That day, I went to see my father, who had abandoned me for 26 years
How can I forgive this father who has disappeared for so long? I didn’t even have the strength to call him “Daddy.” He looked at me and his jaw dropped in surprise. I held back tears to make myself strong, I had a heavy hatred in my heart, what was the meaning of such an old man? I treated him as a familiar but strange adult, asking him questions he hadn’t asked in more than twenty years but wanted to know the answers.
I was born on the outskirts of Tianjin, with a nice river near my home, and sometimes woodpeckers can be seen flying in the forest. My favorite thing to do is lie in a daze in a cotton field, let the puppy snuggle up next to me to sleep, or occasionally lick me and let me go home. I remember that when I was in elementary school, I didn’t like to talk, but I liked to write and write down trees, flowers, and birds with pen and paper, which made me happy.
I didn’t want to go home, because my parents would quarrel every third and fifth, sometimes my father would beat my mother, and I could only hold the puppy helplessly, hide on the side, and cry. The uncle would occasionally come to persuade but unfortunately had little effect. How many times after the argument, my mother pulled me on a long walk, across the river, across the bridge, and ran to the relatives’ house? Along the way, my mother kept shedding tears and almost didn’t say anything. I’m also not in the mood to “explore” my surroundings as usual. Often after a while, Dad would come to apologize to Mom and take her home.
The noise became more and more frequent, and there were no more quiet days in my childhood. The two of them also seemed tired of it. One day when I was six years old, my dad asked me who I would like to live with if they divorced. Obviously, the experience of “escaping” with my mother in tears many times made me answer without hesitation: “I talk to my mother because you always make her cry.” “After a piece of agreement, my mother tore up all the photos related to my father, as if she also took away all the connections between him and me. I haven’t seen my dad since.
When I was 8 years old, my mom married my stepfather, but I never called him daddy because I knew he wasn’t. At that time, I did not understand the truth that “it is difficult to break the mirror”, and I still looked forward to the appearance of my biological father. Every year around my birthday, I would sit on the edge of the school playground and look in the direction of the school gate. How I wish that man would come to see me with something and hug me… I miss him, I wonder if he will think of me too?
At that time, every birthday always coincided with April in the solar calendar, and if it happened to be Thursday, I would wonder, what the unlucky number “four” is, and will I die on that day! So seeing my dad before I die, isn’t that too much? But the reality still disappointed me countless times, and this wait came to no avail. The word “dad” faded away in my life. I can’t help but ask, O man who gave me my life, why did you bring me into this world?
Longing to be loved in a foreign land
In order to stay away from such a gloomy life, my cousin helped me fill out the volunteer after the college entrance examination, and I came to Inner Mongolia, far from home, to attend university. The distance did not bring any comfort to my heart, and I still wept silently whenever I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare. The father who gave birth to me didn’t love me, so who else would love me?
During my university years, I participated in the organization of a Heart Together Association, and I went with my classmates to elementary schools around the city to offer condolences, charity sales, and fundraisers to support the “Mother Water Cellar”. I think I’m still young and can have constant love to help others. But when I am alone, I know very well that this broken self needs someone to love more.
One snowy winter evening, a student of the association waited at the service point for someone to donate clothes. I saw her through the window of the dormitory and felt so distressed, so I came downstairs and said to her: “Go back, it’s too cold, come back tomorrow when the weather is good!” Unexpectedly, she said happily: “It’s okay, sister, you know?” Man’s love is finite, and God’s love is infinite. Hearing this, somehow, my nose soured, and tears welled up. I asked in my heart, “Is there such a God?” Can He stop me from crying? If it’s true, I want to know this God. ”
Later, my junior invited me to her house for a party. In my life, her mother and friends were full of concern for me, which touched me deeply. In the past, I often told myself that there was no home and that only the place where my mother was was home. But now that I am in a foreign land, I have experienced the warmth of a long absence, and I feel at home for the first time.
How I longed for love, and I sought love again. I fell in love during college, and after graduation, in order to be closer to home, I came to Beijing to work, and my boyfriend and I also became a long-distance relationship. Distance makes feelings indifferent, boyfriends call less and less, and finally, love is gone. I feel that this encounter is similar to my mother, when I was a child, watching her cry and waiting for her father to take her home, I even had the luxury of letting love come back at the cost of tears. The results were obvious, and I lived a life of disappointment for three years.
02. I got through to my father
God’s love reached out to me again. I was invited to church by my colleagues and heard the song “The Most Beautiful Blessing of This Life”, “In countless dark nights, I draw you with stars… The most beautiful blessing in this life is to know the Lord Jesus…” Tears burst in an instant, a warm force rose from the heart, and bitter tears seemed to turn sweet. If I shed a liter of tears in the old days when I came to believe that “whoever sows with tears will reap,” I also believe that there is a spirit in my heart who is happy and sorrowful with me that is healing me.
After that, I was baptized and began to participate in Sunday school service in the church. Looking back on the road, I was filled with gratitude, and I knew how I was sown and watered along the way, and how I was released with the help of the Lord. I want to repay the Lord who rescued me from darkness into light.
As I became more aware of the Lord, I became clearer about myself. Once, while attending a group prayer at a retreat, the pain of the past was pulled out again. I immersed myself in prayer and let the tears endure. Then I heard God say to me, “I am your father, I give you love, don’t feel alone.” I saw the scenes of my parents arguing when I was a child, and I saw my mother tearing pictures in front of me sadly, “None of this will be again, because I will fill you with my love.” The voice guided me gently, and the word “forgiveness” was repeated five times.
After this experience, God helped me understand God’s intention through pastor sermons, devotional article sharing, my own devotional prayers, and Reverend Robert Tillman Kendall’s sermon on “total forgiveness” to forgive the people in the world who hurt me the most, because my Father in heaven pleased me to do so. Subsequently, I looked for my father’s contact information through my cousin. Originally, I didn’t have much hope, after all, I haven’t been in touch for more than twenty years, and as a result, my cousin gave me my father’s phone number the next day!
The thought of facing a father I hadn’t seen for so many years made me feel really apprehensive. I vividly remember the afternoon I got the phone, I steamed a pound and a half of English bread crab and ate it for two hours. It was almost 9 p.m. when I realized I couldn’t delay any longer, and the night was over without calling. Now that you’ve decided, let’s act. I dialed the phone, but the other person answered without speaking. I swallowed my saliva and boldly asked, “Is it, Mr. Zhu?” “Yes, who are you?” “I am your daughter.”
I felt his surprise, and he asked again and again: “How do you know my phone number?” “I didn’t answer a lot of calls from Beijing before, did you call?” “Do you want to meet?” “Have you encountered any difficulties? What difficulties do you have to say?
Tears had long flowed down my face, and I felt a piercing pain when I heard the long-lost concern. “If you care so much, why haven’t you contacted me for so many years?” I held back this sentence and did not ask. God, how can I forgive this father who has been gone for so long? I didn’t even have the strength to call him “Daddy,” and I was reluctant. When I hung up, he said to keep in touch and asked me, “Can I call you if I have any questions?” I said, “Yes.” “What a tough start! But I also knew very well that God was setting me free, because “though you weep overnight, you will rejoice in the morning.” The night after the call, I fell asleep praying on the couch in tears.
The next day, I went to school as usual, and during my lunch break, I went to a nearby coffee shop with my colleagues to eat. After sitting down, I began to write my doubts about last night’s call on my prayer note: Why did he get the call and ask me how to find his phone number? Does he really miss me? Will he really meet me? He is afraid that I have some plans for him and hatred for him… As he wrote, tears wet his eyes again. Suddenly, my phone rang, and in tears, I saw that it was my father’s call, so I answered it.
He eagerly asked a series of questions: “I’ll bear to wait until my lunch break to call you.” You called yesterday and I was terrified and didn’t know what happened to you. Is your job okay? Do you like your current job? What exactly do you do? We talked for about 30 minutes, and the doubts we had just written down were answered one by one in this call. I knew God was guiding me and thankful for the abundant grace He had prepared. At this point, I also realized that I had to look inside myself and allow myself to be healed. Hanging up the phone, I couldn’t help but cry, and the tissues on the table became a hill. The colleagues next to me even wondered if I was fired from school, the blow was so big.
Those who are familiar with this place know that the customers in the store are all school teachers and foreigners from the neighborhood, and few strangers come. Just as I was crying uncontrollably, an old mother dressed in simple clothes came to me and asked me if I had a cold and if I wanted to go to the hospital. Since I couldn’t help crying, I begged God to help me find a hitchhiker to take me home, and sure enough, 3 minutes later I got on a hitchhiker with Tianjin license plates. I was finally alone, and in the car I let myself cry as much as Joseph had seen his brothers, and the cry shook the whole city of Egypt.
03. My father looked at me and was so surprised that his jaw was about to drop
Slowly, the thought of seeing my father became stronger and stronger. Once, during a time of praise, I prayed that God would stir my father’s heart so that he could reach out to me. I looked down, tears fell on my phone, and a text message from my father came into view: “Let’s keep in touch, tell me if you have any difficulties!” I knew God was directing me to forgive, so I replied, “I contacted you because I wanted to tell you that I forgave you for your absence in my life.” You don’t have to be burdened. I don’t blame you for what you did to me, I want to meet you. ”
Later, I sent him two long messages, telling him about my life in the past twenty years, where I went to school and worked in those days without him, all my thoughts, resentments, and the hatred of boys that came with it. At the same time, I also expressed that I did not want to intervene in his life, let alone need his financial support. I also told the truth about the reason for contacting him, how I knew God and how God led me to forgive. Because God has placed me under His wings and regarded me as a pupil in His eyes, I know that my heavenly father loves me and wants me to be a better version of myself, so I can forgive my earthly father without being afraid to pursue the shortcomings of the earth.
After reading my message, my father replied that he felt very guilty and uncomfortable. He was going to book a hotel and ask me to meet his family and children. Considering my current capacity, I refused. I said I only wanted to see him alone for now. We met at a Starbucks.
I went to my appointment that day as scheduled, and when I entered the house, I ordered a matcha latte at the front desk. He happened to walk in and ask if this was Starbucks, but he didn’t know that it was the person he was looking for standing next to him. As soon as he spoke, I recognized him from his voice. I didn’t speak, trying to see if he could recognize me. It’s a pity he didn’t. He turned around and wanted to go to the second floor to confirm the address. Seeing that he was about to walk away from me, I stepped forward and said, “Are you looking for me?” He looked at me, his jaw almost dropping. After all, I haven’t seen it for more than twenty years, so it’s normal to be surprised. Although I recognized him, I was also surprised. In my mind, he looked like he was in his thirties, and now he is almost sixty and has naturally aged a lot.
We sat down and he said I had eyes like him and a chin like Mom. Faced with this father who gave birth to me but did not raise me, who once made me miss, wait, and hate, I endured tears to make myself strong. I don’t know what it means to such an old man to have such a heavy hatred in my heart. I simply treated him as a familiar but strange adult, asking him questions he hadn’t asked in more than twenty years but wanted answers. The two of them talked like this for about three hours, and much of the sadness and sadness of the past was relieved, and I seemed to understand better the feelings of Joseph and his brothers when they met at the same table, it turned out that forgiveness can make people so easy!
04. God is the answer to everything
It is said that time is good medicine, but now I want to say that God alone is the answer to everything. Thank God for choosing me to be His daughter, teaching me the truth, giving me love and tenderness, and leading me to reconciliation with my earthly father.
In the face of this father, who had been absent from my life for 26 years, all the bitterness and sorrow began to fade, and forgiveness set me free. Through Him, we have entered by faith into the grace in which we stand now, and rejoice in the glory of God. Not only that but also rejoice in the midst of affliction. For we know that adversity breeds patience, patience breeds sophistication, and sophistication breeds hope; There is no shame in hope because the Holy Spirit who has been given to us pours out God’s love into our hearts. ”
Just as God’s love poured out on me, I was satisfied, and “a river of living water flowed out of my belly.” I couldn’t help but want my father to know God and pray for Him so that he could have eternal hope and happiness. “Only Christ died for us while we were still sinners, and God’s love was revealed to us here.” “But there you will seek the Lord your God. When you seek Him with all your heart, you will find it. ”
Because of God’s love, the earthly father’s abandonment no longer matters. Through all this, I knew that God had saved me from my misery. May God use my sharing to help you who are going through similar experiences, wash your tears, and connect with the living waters of God’s love.
When my father died in a car accident when I was 13, I didn’t even have time to say goodbye to him, let alone ask him if he loved me. In my freshman year, I had necrosis of the femoral head in both legs, and in my junior year, I was tested for lupus erythematosus, and my mother almost cried and fainted in the hospital that day. “I may have to be in a wheelchair, I may not be able to have children, I may suddenly become ill and die.” He said, “God put that love for you in me.” ”
When I was 13 years old, my father died in a sudden car accident, and I didn’t even have time to say goodbye to him, let alone ask him if he loved me.
Since I was a child, I was all hope for my father, and he was very strict with me. Every morning at five o’clock, I was pulled up to exercise and study. Except for watching the news feed, I spent the rest of the time studying. If you do not comply, you will be beaten or punished on the balcony. In my memory, I have never experienced the warmth of my father’s love.
Relatives and friends blamed me for my father’s death, saying that I had killed my father. Why me? I felt abandoned by my father, and I felt a strong anger towards my father. A mixed mix of love-hate emotions continued throughout my adolescence.
Why me?
At the same time as his father’s death, his mother’s unit went bankrupt. My mother was hit and washed her face with tears every day for two years. She worked day and night and provided for my education with a very small income. My relationship with my mother was very distant, and every day it was just one or two innocuous greetings.
I can only change my destiny on my own. A few years later, I was admitted to college, but fate played a merciless joke on me. As a freshman, I took a hormone called “steroid” because of my skin allergy, which resulted in necrosis of the femoral head in both legs. The doctor said that without surgery, I would not be able to walk. Unexpectedly, the operation failed, and even if 5 more surgical remedies were performed, it did not improve. Why me? That year, I was 18 years old.
Jumping into college alive, and now only in a wheelchair to travel around campus, my heart was once again filled with anger, shame, and powerlessness. I wanted to give up reading it, but my mother was very firm, saying that she would rather carry me behind my back to support me to finish reading. And just like that, I was in a wheelchair and on my mother’s back, continuing my college. In order to live up to every drop of my mother’s sweat, my grades ranked first all year round and I received various scholarships from the school. At that time, I believed that I could change my destiny by studying hard.
In my junior year, I was found to have lupus erythematosus again. My mom almost cried in the hospital that day. This disease is a disease of the systemic immune system, which can destroy the organs of the whole body and even endanger life, and it has not been completely cured. Treatment mainly relies on hormones, but there are many side effects, in addition to easily leading to obesity, it may also bring diabetes, osteonecrosis of the femoral head, cancer, etc.
The doctor said: “Osteonecrosis of the femoral head and lupus erythematosus are originally two opposing treatments, if you do not eat hormones, you are waiting for death, and if you eat hormones, it will aggravate the necrosis of the femoral head.” “In the process of struggling and waiting, my physical indicators deteriorated more and more, and even put my life in danger. The doctor decisively gave me a large dose of hormonal shock treatment, accompanied by chemotherapy drugs.
My body became bloated, my face was badly deformed, and my hair fell out to a very small pinch left. Not only did the treatment change my appearance, but the femoral head was also becoming more and more painful. Living in the hospital, I thought every day about how to end my life. This disease made me live without dignity. I don’t know, why or me?
By chance, the media in the province reported my incident, but I didn’t expect to attract the attention of major domestic media. The media portrayed me as a positive and optimistic image, but at that time I was full of feelings of worthlessness and often wanted to commit suicide. No matter how strong I seem, I only rely on my own brute strength. In the face of disease, my heart is actually vulnerable, and being strong is just a disguise.
What happened to this group of doctors?
Some Christians read the report and came to see me. I heard the gospel for the first time. As an atheist, I find them incomprehensible. Christians are like a bunch of crazy people with super imaginations who Twitter me every day. In fact, the most unacceptable thing in my heart is – if God exists, why does suffering occur? Why not come and heal me?
Later, I learned that one of my orthopedic surgeons turned out to be a Christian as well. He invited me to a doctor’s fellowship and musical praise, but I reluctantly went because I was embarrassed to refuse. Unexpectedly, I saw a group of intellectuals with high education and high professional titles, but very mild. At that time, every time I appeared at a meeting, I was trying to argue with them with the evidence that God did not exist. They patiently listened to my opinions, but did not argue with me, but cared more about me, which shocked me very much – what is the power that makes their hearts so soft?
To refute them, I read a lot of historical and archaeological documents. I was amazed to find that there was indeed so much evidence for the existence of Jesus. Even non-believers do not easily deny the authenticity of Jesus, which interests me even more. I told myself that reading the Bible was just for research. But many times, I was touched by Jesus’ words. I wondered: Did Jesus really exist?
While I couldn’t believe in God, I felt an indescribable peace in my heart every time I read the Bible. I struggled inwardly. In order to escape this torn of contradiction, I simply stopped reading the Bible. But when I didn’t read, I lost sleep, all night long.
After a month, I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I said, “Jesus if you really exist, tell me and let me die with understanding.” I picked up the Bible again, and just in John 6, Jesus said, “I am the bread of life.” Whoever comes to me will not be hungry; He who believes in me is never thirsty. But I told you that you have seen me and still do not believe me. I was shocked and quickly knelt down and prayed, “God, you really are God.” It is the previous disobedience and pride that prevent me from accepting you. I picked up the pamphlet that my brothers and sisters had given me and followed the format inside and prayed my own resolution. I told my mom about my experience, and a week later, she also decided to believe in Jesus.
As soon as I came to Christ, God gave me a big package. If I had to stand up and walk, I had to do surgery, but my bones were completely dead and could no longer be used. One day, my Christian doctor suddenly called me and a foreign specialist came to the hospital to perform a demonstration operation, and there was only one place, asking if I would like to. I was open and said yes.
On the day of the operation, I heard the sound of drills digging into my bones, and hammers hitting my bones, but I was safe. I felt Jesus standing right next to the operating table and telling me not to be afraid. The surgery successfully helped me get out of my wheelchair and get back on my feet.
I heard the sound of a broken heart
While still in the catechumenate stage, God gave me a touch: “You are coming to serve me.” My reaction was, “No, it’s sick like this, how to serve!” “Since my baptism in March 2011, there has been a powerful force that has drawn me to seek to know more about God. In my spare time, I spend my spare time reading the Bible, listening to sermons, and reading devotional books. Reading Brother Bian Yunbo’s “To the Nameless Preacher”, my tears couldn’t stop flowing, and I didn’t understand why there was a strong burning feeling in my heart.
In May 2012, I led my mentor to visit me and encouraged me to participate in church service. “A lot of people serve in wheelchairs, and you can equip yourself with online seminaries,” she said. “Although I was gradually out of my wheelchair at that time, I still had to walk on crutches. I was afraid that my body would not allow it, so I did not respond to her.
At that time, there was still a longing in my heart that was not satisfied – love. Since I was a child, I lacked my father’s love, and I still hope to fill the hole in my heart through love.
In August 2012, I fell in love. I hope that the other person also has the desire to serve God, but I find that he is a little absent-minded. In three years of love, there was very little dialogue between hearts, and I tried to change him, thinking that if I kept praying and waiting patiently, he would grow. In fact, I was already putting too much energy into love at the time.
On New Year’s Day 2015, two months before our planned wedding date, the other party suddenly broke up with me with three text messages. It turned out that from beginning to end, neither he nor his parents could accept my physical condition. At that moment my whole body trembled, and I almost heard the sound of my own heart breaking. I suddenly heard another voice: “I want to turn your life upside down.” “But I didn’t want to pay attention to anything, I felt like my heart was being torn apart and trampled on. I hated myself and hated each other. I can’t figure it out, why is it always me?
The pastor said to me, “God’s homework for you is hard. Because God loves you very much, in order to forge your life and expand your realm. “I felt my heart dripping blood, and it was better to live than to die. I’ve come to see the other person as the only person who can satisfy my thirst for love. I base my worth and identity entirely on people. Once the other party abandons me and abandons me on the grounds of disgust for my body, I am like grass trampled in the mud, and there is no meaning in existence.
God made me face again: Who am I? Why should I believe? Who do I live for? If my relatives, health, and love, which I consider most treasured, are taken away, do I still believe in God’s goodness and faithfulness? Without these treasures, a pure relationship with God is experienced. I am sure that all my good is outside of God, and without God, I can do nothing. Every night, I could only cry and kneel and ask the mighty God to heal me, asking the Holy Spirit to comfort me with unspoken prayers. I experienced three crashes during this time, and each time it was like death. When I got up, I slowly realized that everything in the world was bleak, and the Lord Jesus was the real baby.
Six months later, I recovered from the pain of falling out of love. God helped me not only to forgive the other person but also to pray for the other person’s life. God really expanded my realm, turned me upside down, and brought me out of more than a decade of inferiority, worthlessness, and fear of abandonment.
You are to be worthy of your suffering
One day walking on the road, my own experience suddenly appeared in my heart: my father died, and I depended on my mother for life; suffering from two serious illnesses that cannot be treated; Just after the body improved, he was broken up when he was talking about marriage. I still can’t help but ask, why me? This time God immediately gave me a message: “Be worthy of your suffering.” “Thinking back to the grace God has given me over the years, and thinking back to what I owe to God, I have ignored God’s call. Suddenly, I was very ashamed and cried.
I prayed that the Lord Himself would guide me to the field of His calling. A month later, God answered my prayer: an organization invited me to participate in college student ministry. In July 2015, I officially started serving.
Through financial aid, I came into contact with these students who are studying at prestigious schools. They work very hard without knowing the purpose; their Souls are broken, encounters are different; Some families are poor, some families are crippled, and some family members are seriously ill; Low self-esteem, insecurity, unwillingness to open up, need long-term companionship to build relationships. I see myself in them, and I find that my past experiences have made me understand them very well. Students easily trusted me and shared their experiences with me, and many cried in front of me. I often wept with them and found comfort together.
From regular meetings to private visits, evangelism, first faith cultivation, discipleship… At the end of each day, my heart is filled with joy. This is a satisfaction that no job has given me in the past. The more I serve, the more I feel the heavy burden on my students. Some students have been closing themselves off for many years, and suddenly one day they began to take the initiative to care about the people around them and know how to be grateful from the bottom of their hearts… The slightest change in their lives makes me cheer. When someone turns away from God, I also feel heartache.
Sometimes when my good intentions met with cold or even worse responses, although I was sad, I also understood the heart of Jesus: He was rejected by the world, and His love was trampled on. When I returned to the Lord, my heart was greatly comforted because I saw that my past self had rejected Jesus in this way, but God had accepted and forgiven me unconditionally. I never thought I could serve so much when I was weak.
I thank God that the death of my earthly father allowed me to hold on to the love of my heavenly father; The despair in the pain made me realize my pride and incompetence, and was willing to let go of myself; Failure in love made me experience God’s irreplaceability. Years ago, I asked so many “why me” questions, thinking that God was suffering me, but now I find that God wants to use the patience and hope that afflictions give me so that I can comfort others.
God has placed in me the heart that loves you
As I got older, I began to pray for my marriage. Having had previous experiences, I was pessimistic. I asked God to help me deal rationally with my feelings.
I made a list for my future spouse: he should be very confident; Willing to serve, although not necessarily full-time, but support me full-time and serve with me; He knows how to appreciate the beauty of God through my weak body, admires God’s grace and power in my life, and is willing to go through storms and crowns with me; With the blessings of both parents. I sent the list to my good sister and asked her to remind me not to give my heart away.
I knew my situation was too hard to get into marriage. Whenever I was weak, I cried out to God: “My physical condition is something that you have allowed to happen to me and become a part of my life, and in your healing power, you allow such a situation, believing that there is a special intention.” Please don’t let my physical disability prevent me from entering a relationship, let alone from continuing to serve you. ”
Not long after I came to Christ, I paid attention to “Realm” and was an old fan of “Realm”. At that time, I happened to read Nick Hochul sharing, he said: “I really looked down on myself at that time, and what is even more frightening is that I also underestimated God and the gift he gave to two people who have loved each other for a long time.” If you’ve ever waited for God to send someone to love you, as I did, I don’t want you to make the same mistake. As you may already know, God has brought me an incredibly good person, and the depth of her love for me amazes me every day. Never give up if you want love, because God has this desire in your heart for a reason. “This encouraged me to continue praying for my marriage.
I met my current husband at a camp in 2017. I didn’t notice it at the time, but when I had the opportunity to serve together, I was attracted by his “silly” energy of simple trust. He grew up abroad and was a top student in a prestigious school, but later suffered from depression and was won by the Lord in the dark. After he came to Christ, he has always been a burden to China, and after graduating with a doctorate, he gave up a good opportunity to come to China. At the time, he didn’t know which city he was going to, “God asked me to come, and I came.”
As we got to know each other better, fear came back to mind. I was afraid of repeating the past, so I was honest about my physical condition and the risks ahead: “I may be in a wheelchair, I may not be able to give birth, I may suddenly die of illness…” After listening to my words, he said that he wanted to pray carefully.
I asked God for two confirmations, the first, if it was from God, asked God not only to accept me, but to see God’s power through the weakness of my body; Beyond my incompleteness, and see the beauty within me; The second is that his parents can accept me. I know that I don’t have enough confidence and always have to see something tangible before I want to step out. But God wants to prune me in this regard. God knew my character, and for three months, both in personal devotion and Sunday sermons, revolved around the theme of “faith.”
One day, he asked me out and said a bunch of things. It took me two hours to react, and it turned out that he was confessing to me. Before leaving, he told me that he would not give up unless God told him to let go. He was indeed worried, and the spiritual elders around him also made him cautious, but he saw me experience God’s power through physical weakness, and appreciated my determination in God even after so many setbacks. He told his parents the truth, and they respected and supported his decision.
We began to relate carefully, and every time we met, I prayed to God to help us open up more about ourselves, even our fragile selves, and help us get to know each other more fully. I found that his character matched the list of mates I had written down back then! God has given more than I ask or think. Our respective experiences in the past are so worn that we dare not boast for ourselves, so we will not quarrel with you to death. Of course, the gentleness and introspection of the Holy Spirit also allow us to see the gaps and sinful nature of each other’s lives, rather than blindly accusing each other.
Having just entered marriage, I couldn’t help but ask him several times: “I am a person who has nothing, why do you love me so much?” His answer was the same: “Because God has put in me the heart that loves you.” ”
Shi Wei – Set in the local church founded by the Chinese himself in Shanghai in the twenties, the novel writes about a group of Christians who experienced various movements such as resistance war, liberation, and three against five rebellions and had different lives due to different choices.
This group of believers, who do not care about politics and are far from the world, in the midst of great social turmoil, lead people from worship to shock and anger, leading to the collapse of faith and the reversal of life. However, true hope is wonderfully restored after being demolished.
One waits
Winter is the rainy season in Los Angeles. But this year, the rain has not been able to fall. Plants and people, both wait; Air and ground, also wait
This is the first sentence in the preface to the novel “The Apostate”. When Enfu magazine asked me to talk about the birth of this book, I looked at the opening sentence and shed tears again…
Wait. Since I came to God, I always seem to be “waiting.” The biggest difference between writing “The Apostate” and my previous writing is also “waiting”.
At Easter 1999, I was baptized into Christ. At that time, my church had a “small group” background, but I didn’t know about it when I first believed it. To be honest, I shed many tears in that church; But after leaving, I found that those days laid a solid foundation for my new life, and the blessings brought me by experiencing “brokenness” far outweighed the losses.
At the end of 1999, at the New Year’s Eve prayer meeting in Dallas, the older generation of pastors such as Zhao Tianen and Teng Jinhui cared for me and laid hands on my prayers. At the end of the day, Pastor Zhao suddenly mentioned my name at the meeting and said: You are a poet who wants to write epic poems for the Chinese church. He said a lot that I can’t remember, but it pierced my heart. I thought at the time, he was just a moment of excitement, the real modern so-called “epic” is not as simple as a long poem.
This calling, which I consciously forgot, always tings me, especially when I read the testimony of old Christians or face the struggles and tears of that era in interviews. I often ask myself late at night: Is it possible to let these living beings be silent in the dust like this? Isn’t what God is doing in these lives to speak to generations to come?
In 2004, Pastor Zhao Tianen returned to Heaven. I consoled myself that he had probably forgotten this call to a little sister; But whenever He was mentioned, I felt uneasy, as if the eyes of the Father and Jesus on the cross were always looking at me; And the eyes of many old brothers and sisters I interviewed, prayed for me, and cut their lives before me—they are returning home one after another.
But I still have to wait
Because I don’t know where to start writing? How to write? Even afraid to enter into such a vast, chaotic, and indistinguishable historical source—can my theological and spiritual experience understand and dissect all of this?
II Preparation
In the spring of 2013, I completed my doctorate in pastoral studies in the study of the contextualization of Chinese in Old Testament literature. In the last paragraph of the dissertation, I wrote: “With the help of the study of the stylistic and artistic characteristics of the Bible, we can provide a new narrative perspective and expression for the creation of Chinese Christian literature, so that the Bible can truly become a model for the creation of Christian literature, not only in theological thought but also in the literary form… The content and form of Chinese Christian literature should be rooted in the Bible, so as to gain new vitality. ”
In fact, this paragraph expresses the main purpose of my doctoral studies. Attending the graduation ceremony in the summer, and the paper was officially published by the Hong Kong Baptist Church, I knew that this was only the end of the preparatory period, the beginning of the real journey.
At this time, I had basically made it clear that I would use the local church in Shanghai as material to describe how Chinese Christians founded independent churches, explored contextualized theological teachings, and developed church construction. By showing the mental journeys and life stories of some of them, readers can join me in “taking people as mirrors” and “learning from history”, reflecting on the problems existing in individuals and churches, and deeply understanding the sinfulness of people and the salvation of God.
I chose to write in fiction form in order to let more people outside the church understand Christians and confront their humanity, faith, and life. There is not yet a single work in modern and contemporary Chinese literature that provides a positive and direct description of this group of people, and this lack should be filled by Christian writers. Since I want to show it to outsiders, I deliberately use literary writing to describe the basic rites of Christianity, such as “baptism” and “bread breaking”.
By 2014, I had basically collected all the materials and seemed to be ready, but I still had to “wait”. Because these characters are still on paper, separated from me by a veil, I can’t enter their hearts. Moreover, because of “self-love” and “self-pity”, I am also afraid to enter their hearts.
Three-fold
In the summer of 2014, at a conference in New Mexico, I met a young preacher who had come out of the Shanghai local church to attend seminary. During the meeting, I interviewed him for four consecutive nights; After that, he came to Los Angeles to continue his interview with me. Through his reflection on his presence, these historical figures finally appeared alive in front of me. But at the same time, their pain, beliefs, contradictions, and entanglements in their lives are also bloodily presented.
I think this may be my life’s calling and mission, so let it go and write it when I’m old! At that time, perhaps the social, political, and ecclesiastical environment was better, and I was more mature. So I started writing another novel. But God stopped me.
That fall, we held a retreat in China for the core of Christian literature and art on the theme of “Fear.” I identified this theme from prayer, but at the time I didn’t feel that it had anything to do with myself.
During the meeting, one by one, fellow travelers took turns to share and pray earnestly with each other.
When it was my turn, I knelt down and suddenly faced the great fear within myself. This fear is like a huge black hole that wants to swallow me in. I was the editor-in-chief of Overseas Campus and a preacher of the church, could I devote myself to literary creation in such a capacity? The creation of a novel is like living for the characters in the book. If I were to write the novel “The Apostate”, I wonder if I would doubt God and faith in the process. Can I enter and walk out of the valley of the shadow of death with my characters? In the process of writing, my emotions will fluctuate a lot, can I control myself and continue to teach and shepherd in the church? If it gets out of control, what do the brothers and sisters think? If I dissect the truth of human nature layer by layer, will I “trip people”? Will the church expel me?
In fact, the fear at that moment was much greater than these conceivable reasons, and I felt as if I was going to be crushed.
Thank God I’m not alone. Several fellow literary Christians in the retreat and the pastors who accompanied us laid on my hands and prayed for me. They unceremoniously pointed out my “self-love” and encouraged me to be willing to be completely broken by the Lord. Then they hugged me one by one and said, “No matter what problems I have in the writing process, how the Chinese church will view this book and the author in the future, they will all recognize me as a member.”
Then, at a general meeting in Hong Kong, I shared this vision with several old council members of the Chinese Shepherd team. Several pastors also felt that the task of writing was very difficult, and they laid on my hands and prayed together for me as I knelt on the ground. Their prayer is also the prayer in my heart, asking God that the Father is in complete control, taking away all my autonomy, and letting the Father’s will flow freely in my heart and pen. I think that after such a trust, even if the result is not good, the Lord will commemorate it, and I can be regarded as suffering for the Lord. If it is out of myself, not only can I write badly, but I can’t bear it.
Four prayers are written
After returning to Los Angeles, I started writing. From December 2014 to August 24, 2015, the first draft of 270,000 words was completed. Another three months were spent on-site inspections of the novel’s origins, re-reading the relevant works, discussing with witnesses, scholars, and pastors, and receiving the best help from local church pastors throughout China and the United States. From January to April 2016, it was supplemented and revised to complete the full draft of “The Apostate” of 320,000 words. The whole writing process is truly miraculous every day!
First, God made a mother and daughter from the local church in Shanghai my neighbors, and they wrote and prayed for me every day. Every time I wanted to write, I would WeChat about them and they would start praying. Sometimes they still can’t write, so they drop everything they have in hand and kneel down to pray. Sometimes they don’t concentrate on prayer, and I don’t write well. When I finished writing for the day and told them on WeChat, we relaxed together. It really made me completely dependent on prayer to write. It is no exaggeration to say that during the writing of “The Apostate”, there was less time for writing than time for prayer.
Second, many scenes, especially the events in prison, and many vivid and touching details that I could not imagine. The Holy Spirit led me many times in my dreams into the scenes I was going to write that day, as if I were in a movie.
Third, in the process of writing and revising the process, the Father constantly brought to me relevant historical researchers, witnesses, supplementary materials, etc.
Thank the Lord that despite the physical and spiritual ordeal I experienced in the process of writing, my faith became more and more true and firm in my heart. On the one hand, I deeply sighed: “If you throw me into that meat grinder-like era, the best I can do is become an apostate.” “On the other hand, I am more grateful than ever!” Because I know who I believe in, and I am confident that He can preserve what I have entrusted to Him (or do: what He has entrusted to me) until that day. (2 Timothy 1:12)
At the end of June, Southern Press signed a contract and launched it in July. For more than a month, the book has received attention and praise from Christian and non-Christian readers, literary critics, pastors, historians, and sociologists.
I felt that I stood with the group of people in the book and became a drama for the world and the angels to see. Although the pottery was broken, the treasure inside emitted light.
01. The main purpose, original intention, and purpose of creation
The thrust of The Apostate is to show that man is ungraspable in all ways—ungraspable of circumstances, ungraspable of oneself, and difficult to hold on to even what we believe, but God is eternal and his love is eternal.
In this book, I just want to write about a group of people of faith, in this changing history, experiencing all kinds of suffering, all kinds of ungraspable, what is the difference between them and those who do not have faith? Because in Chinese history, especially in modern and contemporary history, a series of political events have taken place. In fact, all turmoil presents the truth, hidden evil, and weakness in the human heart.
At this point, we seem to see God as if he is doing nothing, just silently watching us suffer. When I use this book to comb through the characters and stories of that era, the twists and turns of their fortunes in history, and their final results, we see God’s hand, but also his protection and love.
In Chinese history, especially the thirties and forties to the seventies, which this book mainly describes, in the process, whether through literature or historical records, we see the fate of various groups of people in modern and contemporary history. But what is the state of life of Christians, a group of people of faith, at this stage of history? What they went through and suffered, no one knows.
In other words, there is such a large group of people living among us, but they are covered up by history, and there is no such group of people in history recorded by future generations! So much so that we think that there seems to be no faith community in China’s modern history.
But in fact, such a group of people, they have also experienced the entire ups and downs of modern and contemporary history. I want to bring their lives back to life.
So, for non-Christians, they also need to know what life is like for a Christian in this society. In other words, when the Chinese nation endured all kinds of suffering, this group of people endured all kinds of sufferings like everyone else; And, while suffering is accompanied by greater tears and pressure. However, their attitude toward suffering and the process by which the faith within them is re-established and even crushed is very meaningful.
Another thing about my motivation for writing this book is that I came to Christ in 1999, was baptized at Easter, and went to a New Year’s Eve prayer meeting in Dallas in late 1999. During the prayer in the audience, Pastor Zhao Tianen suddenly called my name and said, “Shi Wei, you come to pray for China!” “It was the first time I had prayed in public, at such a big gathering. God showed me the faces of the people walking on the street and the people on the bus… The true state of those faces and souls is deeply imprinted in my heart.
At the end of that meeting, it was 2,000 years old, and Pastor Zhao Tianen suddenly said on the stage: “Shi Wei, you have come to write an epic poem for the Chinese church.” “My understanding at the time was that epic is writing a poem. Later, I did write a set of songs, but God gradually made it clear that he wanted me to write about these things that happened in the history of the Chinese church, about these believers who used their lives and blood to become seeds, and about these martyrs who sowed their lives on that land – although I used the name “apostate”, but everyone who is crushed because of faith, every person who sacrifices himself because of faith, whether actively or passively, is actually a martyr.
In addition, the reason why the title does not use “martyr” is that I think no one is really martyred himself, our nature is “apostasy”, but God chose us to make us martyrs. Who can take the initiative to martyrdom? When we think we are active, we are still passive, and we are just vessels in God’s hands.
After Pastor Zhao Tianen returned to heaven, the eyes that called me on the stage seemed to always look at me from heaven. Actually, I didn’t have much personal contact with Pastor Zhao, but his call never left me. I always felt sorry, because later on, although I wrote a lot of things and did a lot of things, I always felt that I had failed his call when I first came to Christ.
Therefore, I am determined to write “The Apostate”, which I am currently writing about the Song Shang Festival, and I intend to continue to write about it, in semi-fiction and non-fiction form, to present the major events and figures in history of the Chinese church, especially the life of Christ. That’s what I’m writing for. My purpose is not to do anything else, not even to discern the truth of some of the details of history, but to make our lives true in the life of Christ, which is why I wrote this book.
02. Use history as a mirror and know yourself
But any person will have a “religious complex” in his heart. Because all people were created by God. Man is not an animal, not a plant; We are human because we all have a conscience, and that conscience comes from the soul and life. This level is actually what literature wants to express.
Today we see a lot of literature that seems to be just telling stories, in fact, if literature only expresses some anecdotes of our daily life, even if it is a beautiful story, I am afraid that such literature will gradually be replaced by news, or replaced by fairy tales. True literature is to show people the tearing and struggle, sublimation, and recreation of the soul of a group of people.
Therefore, reading this book is not so much to look at a piece of history as to look at ourselves, the so-called “history as a mirror”, this history is not far away, and what these people have experienced may be what our parents experienced.
So, what’s the point of looking at their lives? I think today we often say “Live in the moment”, but when we live in the present, we only live in what we see with our eyes. We think that living in the present moment is very real, but in fact, we don’t even understand the present moment; It can even be said that without the mirror of history, we do not know what our real life and true soul are.
For example, today, whether Christians or non-Christians, we often feel as if everything is fine, and this history presents to us the true sinfulness of the human heart and the uncontrollable nature of the human heart.
For example, there is a bottle of water, there is a lot of dregs in the water, if the water and the bottle are in a static state, the surface of the water looks quite clear; But once the bottle was shaken, I saw a lot of dregs floating up. In the same way, when we do not experience great suffering in our lives when we do not experience shaking, we may live in a false understanding, and once we are shaken, we see scum.
Therefore, by looking at the history of our predecessors and the lives of others in suffering, we do not wait until our own lives are shaken, and we first come to know ourselves. Only by knowing the sinful nature in ourselves will we better understand the preciousness of salvation and realize that we ourselves are limited and cannot save ourselves.
03. God’s Conservative Faith
Christians in fiction reject faith and become “apostates” for various reasons. For example, there is a brother in this novel, who saw some problems of leaders exposed from the outside and also saw some problems that were exposed to each other within the church, as if this church is not so beautiful, this faith is not so perfect… He still didn’t want to reject this god at this time, and when he was sick, he had a prayer with God: “Tonight, you let this indicator of mine come down, then, no matter what changes outside, I will believe you.” ”
I think I understand this prayer very well – let my indicators come down, even if they go up later, I want you to show me! But the next day, his indicators did not fall but rose, so he completely collapsed. He doesn’t love the Lord, he doesn’t mean he must be healed by the Lord, he wants God—you show me once the way I do!
Such faith may seem normal today, but if we go back to the Bible, the Lord’s guidance to us and the Lord’s promises to our prayers are not what we intended. So, the next day he found that the indicator had not fallen but risen, and he decided that there was no God.
After that, his wife and daughter still believed in Christ and prayed for him, and he hated them very much. He often scolded them and beat his wife. He also began to pursue “progress” However, he was still a Christian after all, so he had no future in politics, and he beat himself up: playing cards, smoking, drinking… At some point, he even loathed himself very much.
On the one hand, every time he saw his wife and daughter praying, he felt a sense of self-blame and associated despair. By the time he survived until 1970, it had been about twenty years, and at that time, he wanted to end his life and felt that living was meaningless. He turned out to be an executive of a bank in Qingdao, who once gave up all his belongings and donated all his property and house to the church. He thought he gave so much that God should be kind to him.
This kind of faith mentality actually reflects our current understanding and practice of faith. We forget that we are only servants and handmaids of God.
In this case, he wanted to end his life by the time he was seven years old. At that time, he donated his house, he lived in his parents’ house in Shanghai, and he wanted to jump off the balcony. As he stepped over the balcony railing with one leg, he heard a knock on the door. He asked, “Who?” “There was no sound, so he came down and went to open the door, and there was no one outside the door. He was about to commit suicide again, and when he was about to jump off the balcony, he heard another knock on the door, and he went to open the door, but there was still no one.
So, when he heard a knock on the door for the third time, he said, “Whoever still knocks on the door, I’m going to die, don’t open the door!” Then he heard Jesus say, “It’s me.” ”
Just those two words. He said: “I knew whose voice it was! ”
This is a real testimony, they recall.
When I heard this testimony and wrote it down, I was very moved. A person who has not confessed and betrayed the Lord for twenty years can still recognize the voice of his Savior, and I think this salvation is a sure certainty! If we are God’s sheep, we can hear God’s voice. So, when he heard “It’s me,” he knew it was the Lord, and then he got down from the balcony railing, knelt in the living room, and said, “Lord, is it you?” Didn’t you leave long ago? The Lord said, “I have not left, I have always been here.” He cried.
He knelt down and prayed, “Lord, you haven’t left, you’ve been here!” In this way, he returned to God’s arms, and later he became a very powerful evangelist.
As I was thinking and writing the story of this little man, I thought, how many things in this world are we sure of? Whether we have faith or not, we are often in a state of uncertainty; But if you have true faith, you know that your faith and assurance are not in your hands, but in God’s protection, as the Bible says, “For knowing who I believe and confident that He can preserve what I have entrusted to Him until that day.” (See 2 Timothy 1:12)
Therefore, in this little person, I feel a little – such a faith that is personally guarded by God is the real hope of man, otherwise, the faith that we work hard to practice and maintain by ourselves is actually unsure, because we are all unreliable.
Christianity is not about passive patience but about patience and sophistication, and sophistication of hope. No matter how unreliable we may be, God’s reliability is in our lives. I believe that this transcendent grace and mercy that transcends one’s self-grasp and self-control is what the church, Christians and all people today need to know most. Only this transcendence can free us from what we see, from our despair and confusion about ourselves, and turn our eyes to Jesus and what He accomplished on the cross.
What Jesus accomplished on the cross was complete salvation, that is, all our sins were borne by Him. As long as you have faith in this, you are connected to His life, and you will have it. This transcendent faith is a hope in this age that transcends religion and culture and can free us from the limitations and bondage of the flesh and the environment.
04The story behind “The Apostate”
Before The Apostate, I had written about three novels, and before that, I wrote more poetry, prose, and other genres. The book “The Apostate” began a whole new writing for me. Because the novels I wrote before were basically related to my own life; And about “The Apostate”, at first it was not thought to write this book.
After I came to Christ in 1999, I was deeply influenced by two people, Brother Soong Shangjie and Brother Watchman Nee. Brother Ni’s many spiritual books have helped me to analyze many subtleties in my spirit and help me learn to purify myself. When I experienced a lot of difficulties, Brother Ni’s poems, such as “Refine Me and Refine Me” and “Let Me Love”, had a great influence on me, so I read his books more. The church I work in also has a small group background, so I will be more interested in local churches and small group churches, and I will collect more information.
That year, a gospel organization asked me to interview Xu Meili, the prototype of Xu Wenying in “The Apostate,” and she told me a lot. Later, she also wrote the book “Hard Years”. She is a more realistic record of these indelible years she has experienced. In addition, I have received many testimonies from Brother Zhang Xikang, who wrote the book “Sixty Years of the Local Church”.
These books gave me a lot of historical information that I didn’t intend to write, but they haunted me. In fact, what everyone is most entangled with this experience and this group of people is whether the prototype of the protagonist in the book committed this crime. But I don’t think that’s the most important thing! Whether he sinned or not is a relationship between God and Him. But this group of people, whose lives show me, is a group of sinful people who have the same temperament as us, so my purpose in the form of fiction is to write about a group of people who are just like us, or even myself, who may definitely be “apostasy” and must sin, how they stand because of Jesus and how they are redeemed.
Later, God kept bringing people to me, including the prototypes of these people in my book, the young preacher who gave them the end of their life when they were old, and I got a lot of information. In the end, I don’t think I care about the issue that everyone is arguing about. Some people also asked me: “Why do you write a novel, not a biography or historical testimony with your real name?” I said, “My purpose is not to get entangled with someone, someone, or something.” My purpose is to ask my heart. ”
If what we’re looking for in this book is whether someone else has sinned, then I don’t need to write this book! What does it matter to me whether he sins or not? I also want my readers to seek themselves in this book: What Lies in my faith? What are the things in my life that are not pleasing to God and need to be broken, removed, carved, and made again by God?
In this case, the call from God in my heart is clear—to write this book! Even the title “The Apostate” was given clearly by God during prayer. I didn’t want to use the title at first, I felt a little excited, it didn’t suit my heart, and of course, it offended people. But again and again, I wanted to change the title of the book, and again and again, God did not allow it.
Later, I took a retreat from a Christian artist and writer. That time God gave us a theme, which was “removing fear.” What are your worst fears? They pray, and I pray for them. I felt as if I didn’t have anything to fear during this process. Everyone prayed before God, and I was a fearless person, but when it was my turn, I got down on my knees, and all of a sudden, I knew what I was afraid of—I was afraid to write this book!
At that time, I had been a shepherd for some time. I have cultivated myself into a perfect preacher in front of people, and I have not written a novel for more than ten years, because once you write a long novel, you will follow the ups and downs of the characters and be emotionally sensitive, and it is difficult to ensure that you can still be polite to brothers and sisters and fellow workers in the process of writing.
So I felt that writing this book would both offend the church and society, and it might bring me back to being a writer. It is difficult for a real writer to hide because he must be sensitive and truthful inside, without pretense.
Much of the literature of Christianity today, and even our testimony, is actually very disguised… So, when I was going to actually write this book, I remember that night everyone was praying for me, and I felt like a deep pool in front of me, and once I jumped, I didn’t know what it would be! At that time, a sister pointed out: “Aren’t you afraid that your perfect appearance will be broken?” It seems to be quite a spiritual preacher’s appearance. Aren’t you afraid of breaking yourself? ”
This sentence shocked me a lot, these people I want to write about, in fact, are not willing to break themselves, but in the end, they are beaten even more by God. I don’t dare to write about this group of people, also because I don’t dare to be broken. But if I dare not be broken, how will God’s light shine? So I later said to these companions, what if I write and the church excommunicates me? They said it’s okay, the church excommunicates you, and we recognize you as a brother and sister. Several of them are pastors I respect very much. I think it’s enough to have their approval! Then I started writing with that in mind.
