That day, I went to see my father, who had abandoned me for 26 years

How can I forgive this father who has disappeared for so long? I didn’t even have the strength to call him “Daddy.” He looked at me and his jaw dropped in surprise. I held back tears to make myself strong, I had a heavy hatred in my heart, what was the meaning of such an old man? I treated him as a familiar but strange adult, asking him questions he hadn’t asked in more than twenty years but wanted to know the answers.

I was born on the outskirts of Tianjin, with a nice river near my home, and sometimes woodpeckers can be seen flying in the forest. My favorite thing to do is lie in a daze in a cotton field, let the puppy snuggle up next to me to sleep, or occasionally lick me and let me go home. I remember that when I was in elementary school, I didn’t like to talk, but I liked to write and write down trees, flowers, and birds with pen and paper, which made me happy.

I didn’t want to go home, because my parents would quarrel every third and fifth, sometimes my father would beat my mother, and I could only hold the puppy helplessly, hide on the side, and cry. The uncle would occasionally come to persuade but unfortunately had little effect. How many times after the argument, my mother pulled me on a long walk, across the river, across the bridge, and ran to the relatives’ house? Along the way, my mother kept shedding tears and almost didn’t say anything. I’m also not in the mood to “explore” my surroundings as usual. Often after a while, Dad would come to apologize to Mom and take her home.

The noise became more and more frequent, and there were no more quiet days in my childhood. The two of them also seemed tired of it. One day when I was six years old, my dad asked me who I would like to live with if they divorced. Obviously, the experience of “escaping” with my mother in tears many times made me answer without hesitation: “I talk to my mother because you always make her cry.” “After a piece of agreement, my mother tore up all the photos related to my father, as if she also took away all the connections between him and me. I haven’t seen my dad since.

When I was 8 years old, my mom married my stepfather, but I never called him daddy because I knew he wasn’t. At that time, I did not understand the truth that “it is difficult to break the mirror”, and I still looked forward to the appearance of my biological father. Every year around my birthday, I would sit on the edge of the school playground and look in the direction of the school gate. How I wish that man would come to see me with something and hug me… I miss him, I wonder if he will think of me too?

At that time, every birthday always coincided with April in the solar calendar, and if it happened to be Thursday, I would wonder, what the unlucky number “four” is, and will I die on that day! So seeing my dad before I die, isn’t that too much? But the reality still disappointed me countless times, and this wait came to no avail. The word “dad” faded away in my life. I can’t help but ask, O man who gave me my life, why did you bring me into this world?

1. Longing to be loved in a foreign land

In order to stay away from such a gloomy life, my cousin helped me fill out the volunteer after the college entrance examination, and I came to Inner Mongolia, far from home, to attend university. The distance did not bring any comfort to my heart, and I still wept silently whenever I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare. The father who gave birth to me didn’t love me, so who else would love me?

During my university years, I participated in the organization of a Heart Together Association, and I went with my classmates to elementary schools around the city to offer condolences, charity sales, and fundraisers to support the “Mother Water Cellar”. I think I’m still young and can have constant love to help others. But when I am alone, I know very well that this broken self needs someone to love more.

One snowy winter evening, a student of the association waited at the service point for someone to donate clothes. I saw her through the window of the dormitory and felt so distressed, so I came downstairs and said to her: “Go back, it’s too cold, come back tomorrow when the weather is good!” Unexpectedly, she said happily: “It’s okay, sister, you know?” Man’s love is finite, and God’s love is infinite. Hearing this, somehow, my nose soured, and tears welled up. I asked in my heart, “Is there such a God?” Can He stop me from crying? If it’s true, I want to know this God. ”

Later, my junior invited me to her house for a party. In my life, her mother and friends were full of concern for me, which touched me deeply. In the past, I often told myself that there was no home and that only the place where my mother was was home. But now that I am in a foreign land, I have experienced the warmth of a long absence, and I feel at home for the first time.

How I longed for love, and I sought love again. I fell in love during college, and after graduation, in order to be closer to home, I came to Beijing to work, and my boyfriend and I also became a long-distance relationship. Distance makes feelings indifferent, boyfriends call less and less, and finally, love is gone. I feel that this encounter is similar to my mother, when I was a child, watching her cry and waiting for her father to take her home, I even had the luxury of letting love come back at the cost of tears. The results were obvious, and I lived a life of disappointment for three years.

02. I got through to my father

God’s love reached out to me again. I was invited to church by my colleagues and heard the song “The Most Beautiful Blessing of This Life”, “In countless dark nights, I draw you with stars… The most beautiful blessing in this life is to know the Lord Jesus…” Tears burst in an instant, a warm force rose from the heart, and bitter tears seemed to turn sweet. If I shed a liter of tears in the old days when I came to believe that “whoever sows with tears will reap,” I also believe that there is a spirit in my heart who is happy and sorrowful with me that is healing me.

After that, I was baptized and began to participate in Sunday school service in the church. Looking back on the road, I was filled with gratitude, and I knew how I was sown and watered along the way, and how I was released with the help of the Lord. I want to repay the Lord who rescued me from darkness into light.

As I became more aware of the Lord, I became clearer about myself. Once, while attending a group prayer at a retreat, the pain of the past was pulled out again. I immersed myself in prayer and let the tears endure. Then I heard God say to me, “I am your father, I give you love, don’t feel alone.” I saw the scenes of my parents arguing when I was a child, and I saw my mother tearing pictures in front of me sadly, “None of this will be again, because I will fill you with my love.” The voice guided me gently, and the word “forgiveness” was repeated five times.

After this experience, God helped me understand God’s intention through pastor sermons, devotional article sharing, my own devotional prayers, and Reverend Robert Tillman Kendall’s sermon on “total forgiveness” to forgive the people in the world who hurt me the most, because my Father in heaven pleased me to do so. Subsequently, I looked for my father’s contact information through my cousin. Originally, I didn’t have much hope, after all, I haven’t been in touch for more than twenty years, and as a result, my cousin gave me my father’s phone number the next day!

The thought of facing a father I hadn’t seen for so many years made me feel really apprehensive. I vividly remember the afternoon I got the phone, I steamed a pound and a half of English bread crab and ate it for two hours. It was almost 9 p.m. when I realized I couldn’t delay any longer, and the night was over without calling. Now that you’ve decided, let’s act. I dialed the phone, but the other person answered without speaking. I swallowed my saliva and boldly asked, “Is it, Mr. Zhu?” “Yes, who are you?” “I am your daughter.”

I felt his surprise, and he asked again and again: “How do you know my phone number?” “I didn’t answer a lot of calls from Beijing before, did you call?” “Do you want to meet?” “Have you encountered any difficulties? What difficulties do you have to say? 

Tears had long flowed down my face, and I felt a piercing pain when I heard the long-lost concern. “If you care so much, why haven’t you contacted me for so many years?” I held back this sentence and did not ask. God, how can I forgive this father who has been gone for so long? I didn’t even have the strength to call him “Daddy,” and I was reluctant. When I hung up, he said to keep in touch and asked me, “Can I call you if I have any questions?” I said, “Yes.” “What a tough start! But I also knew very well that God was setting me free, because “though you weep overnight, you will rejoice in the morning.” The night after the call, I fell asleep praying on the couch in tears.

The next day, I went to school as usual, and during my lunch break, I went to a nearby coffee shop with my colleagues to eat. After sitting down, I began to write my doubts about last night’s call on my prayer note: Why did he get the call and ask me how to find his phone number? Does he really miss me? Will he really meet me? He is afraid that I have some plans for him and hatred for him… As he wrote, tears wet his eyes again. Suddenly, my phone rang, and in tears, I saw that it was my father’s call, so I answered it.

He eagerly asked a series of questions: “I’ll bear to wait until my lunch break to call you.” You called yesterday and I was terrified and didn’t know what happened to you. Is your job okay? Do you like your current job? What exactly do you do? We talked for about 30 minutes, and the doubts we had just written down were answered one by one in this call. I knew God was guiding me and thankful for the abundant grace He had prepared. At this point, I also realized that I had to look inside myself and allow myself to be healed. Hanging up the phone, I couldn’t help but cry, and the tissues on the table became a hill. The colleagues next to me even wondered if I was fired from school, the blow was so big.

Those who are familiar with this place know that the customers in the store are all school teachers and foreigners from the neighborhood, and few strangers come. Just as I was crying uncontrollably, an old mother dressed in simple clothes came to me and asked me if I had a cold and if I wanted to go to the hospital. Since I couldn’t help crying, I begged God to help me find a hitchhiker to take me home, and sure enough, 3 minutes later I got on a hitchhiker with Tianjin license plates. I was finally alone, and in the car I let myself cry as much as Joseph had seen his brothers, and the cry shook the whole city of Egypt.

03. My father looked at me and was so surprised that his jaw was about to drop

Slowly, the thought of seeing my father became stronger and stronger. Once, during a time of praise, I prayed that God would stir my father’s heart so that he could reach out to me. I looked down, tears fell on my phone, and a text message from my father came into view: “Let’s keep in touch, tell me if you have any difficulties!” I knew God was directing me to forgive, so I replied, “I contacted you because I wanted to tell you that I forgave you for your absence in my life.” You don’t have to be burdened. I don’t blame you for what you did to me, I want to meet you. ”

Later, I sent him two long messages, telling him about my life in the past twenty years, where I went to school and worked in those days without him, all my thoughts, resentments, and the hatred of boys that came with it. At the same time, I also expressed that I did not want to intervene in his life, let alone need his financial support. I also told the truth about the reason for contacting him, how I knew God and how God led me to forgive. Because God has placed me under His wings and regarded me as a pupil in His eyes, I know that my heavenly father loves me and wants me to be a better version of myself, so I can forgive my earthly father without being afraid to pursue the shortcomings of the earth.

After reading my message, my father replied that he felt very guilty and uncomfortable. He was going to book a hotel and ask me to meet his family and children. Considering my current capacity, I refused. I said I only wanted to see him alone for now. We met at a Starbucks.

I went to my appointment that day as scheduled, and when I entered the house, I ordered a matcha latte at the front desk. He happened to walk in and ask if this was Starbucks, but he didn’t know that it was the person he was looking for standing next to him. As soon as he spoke, I recognized him from his voice. I didn’t speak, trying to see if he could recognize me. It’s a pity he didn’t. He turned around and wanted to go to the second floor to confirm the address. Seeing that he was about to walk away from me, I stepped forward and said, “Are you looking for me?” He looked at me, his jaw almost dropping. After all, I haven’t seen it for more than twenty years, so it’s normal to be surprised. Although I recognized him, I was also surprised. In my mind, he looked like he was in his thirties, and now he is almost sixty and has naturally aged a lot.

We sat down and he said I had eyes like him and a chin like Mom. Faced with this father who gave birth to me but did not raise me, who once made me miss, wait, and hate, I endured tears to make myself strong. I don’t know what it means to such an old man to have such a heavy hatred in my heart. I simply treated him as a familiar but strange adult, asking him questions he hadn’t asked in more than twenty years but wanted answers. The two of them talked like this for about three hours, and much of the sadness and sadness of the past was relieved, and I seemed to understand better the feelings of Joseph and his brothers when they met at the same table, it turned out that forgiveness can make people so easy!

04. God is the answer to everything

It is said that time is good medicine, but now I want to say that God alone is the answer to everything. Thank God for choosing me to be His daughter, teaching me the truth, giving me love and tenderness, and leading me to reconciliation with my earthly father.

In the face of this father, who had been absent from my life for 26 years, all the bitterness and sorrow began to fade, and forgiveness set me free. Through Him, we have entered by faith into the grace in which we stand now, and rejoice in the glory of God. Not only that but also rejoice in the midst of affliction. For we know that adversity breeds patience, patience breeds sophistication, and sophistication breeds hope; There is no shame in hope because the Holy Spirit who has been given to us pours out God’s love into our hearts. ”

Just as God’s love poured out on me, I was satisfied, and “a river of living water flowed out of my belly.” I couldn’t help but want my father to know God and pray for Him so that he could have eternal hope and happiness. “Only Christ died for us while we were still sinners, and God’s love was revealed to us here.” “But there you will seek the Lord your God. When you seek Him with all your heart, you will find it. ”

Because of God’s love, the earthly father’s abandonment no longer matters. Through all this, I knew that God had saved me from my misery. May God use my sharing to help you who are going through similar experiences, wash your tears, and connect with the living waters of God’s love.