When I was 13 years old, my father died in a sudden car accident, and I didn’t even have time to say goodbye to him, let alone ask him if he loved me.

Since I was a child, I was all hope for my father, and he was very strict with me. Every morning at five o’clock, I was pulled up to exercise and study. Except for watching the news feed, I spent the rest of the time studying. If you do not comply, you will be beaten or punished on the balcony. In my memory, I have never experienced the warmth of my father’s love.

Relatives and friends blamed me for my father’s death, saying that I had killed my father. Why me? I felt abandoned by my father, and I felt a strong anger towards my father. A mixed mix of love-hate emotions continued throughout my adolescence.

Why me?

At the same time as his father’s death, his mother’s unit went bankrupt. My mother was hit and washed her face with tears every day for two years. She worked day and night and provided for my education with a very small income. My relationship with my mother was very distant, and every day it was just one or two innocuous greetings.

I can only change my destiny on my own. A few years later, I was admitted to college, but fate played a merciless joke on me. As a freshman, I took a hormone called “steroid” because of my skin allergy, which resulted in necrosis of the femoral head in both legs. The doctor said that without surgery, I would not be able to walk. Unexpectedly, the operation failed, and even if 5 more surgical remedies were performed, it did not improve. Why me? That year, I was 18 years old.

Jumping into college alive, and now only in a wheelchair to travel around campus, my heart was once again filled with anger, shame, and powerlessness. I wanted to give up reading it, but my mother was very firm, saying that she would rather carry me behind my back to support me to finish reading. And just like that, I was in a wheelchair and on my mother’s back, continuing my college. In order to live up to every drop of my mother’s sweat, my grades ranked first all year round and I received various scholarships from the school. At that time, I believed that I could change my destiny by studying hard.

In my junior year, I was found to have lupus erythematosus again. My mom almost cried in the hospital that day. This disease is a disease of the systemic immune system, which can destroy the organs of the whole body and even endanger life, and it has not been completely cured. Treatment mainly relies on hormones, but there are many side effects, in addition to easily leading to obesity, it may also bring diabetes, osteonecrosis of the femoral head, cancer, etc.

The doctor said: “Osteonecrosis of the femoral head and lupus erythematosus are originally two opposing treatments, if you do not eat hormones, you are waiting for death, and if you eat hormones, it will aggravate the necrosis of the femoral head.” “In the process of struggling and waiting, my physical indicators deteriorated more and more, and even put my life in danger. The doctor decisively gave me a large dose of hormonal shock treatment, accompanied by chemotherapy drugs.

My body became bloated, my face was badly deformed, and my hair fell out to a very small pinch left. Not only did the treatment change my appearance, but the femoral head was also becoming more and more painful. Living in the hospital, I thought every day about how to end my life. This disease made me live without dignity. I don’t know, why or me?

By chance, the media in the province reported my incident, but I didn’t expect to attract the attention of major domestic media. The media portrayed me as a positive and optimistic image, but at that time I was full of feelings of worthlessness and often wanted to commit suicide. No matter how strong I seem, I only rely on my own brute strength. In the face of disease, my heart is actually vulnerable, and being strong is just a disguise.

What happened to this group of doctors?

Some Christians read the report and came to see me. I heard the gospel for the first time. As an atheist, I find them incomprehensible. Christians are like a bunch of crazy people with super imaginations who Twitter me every day. In fact, the most unacceptable thing in my heart is – if God exists, why does suffering occur? Why not come and heal me?

Later, I learned that one of my orthopedic surgeons turned out to be a Christian as well. He invited me to a doctor’s fellowship and musical praise, but I reluctantly went because I was embarrassed to refuse. Unexpectedly, I saw a group of intellectuals with high education and high professional titles, but very mild. At that time, every time I appeared at a meeting, I was trying to argue with them with the evidence that God did not exist. They patiently listened to my opinions, but did not argue with me, but cared more about me, which shocked me very much – what is the power that makes their hearts so soft?

To refute them, I read a lot of historical and archaeological documents. I was amazed to find that there was indeed so much evidence for the existence of Jesus. Even non-believers do not easily deny the authenticity of Jesus, which interests me even more. I told myself that reading the Bible was just for research. But many times, I was touched by Jesus’ words. I wondered: Did Jesus really exist?

While I couldn’t believe in God, I felt an indescribable peace in my heart every time I read the Bible. I struggled inwardly. In order to escape this torn of contradiction, I simply stopped reading the Bible. But when I didn’t read, I lost sleep, all night long.

After a month, I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I said, “Jesus if you really exist, tell me and let me die with understanding.” I picked up the Bible again, and just in John 6, Jesus said, “I am the bread of life.” Whoever comes to me will not be hungry; He who believes in me is never thirsty. But I told you that you have seen me and still do not believe me. I was shocked and quickly knelt down and prayed, “God, you really are God.” It is the previous disobedience and pride that prevent me from accepting you. I picked up the pamphlet that my brothers and sisters had given me and followed the format inside and prayed my own resolution. I told my mom about my experience, and a week later, she also decided to believe in Jesus.

As soon as I came to Christ, God gave me a big package. If I had to stand up and walk, I had to do surgery, but my bones were completely dead and could no longer be used. One day, my Christian doctor suddenly called me and a foreign specialist came to the hospital to perform a demonstration operation, and there was only one place, asking if I would like to. I was open and said yes.

On the day of the operation, I heard the sound of drills digging into my bones, and hammers hitting my bones, but I was safe. I felt Jesus standing right next to the operating table and telling me not to be afraid. The surgery successfully helped me get out of my wheelchair and get back on my feet.

I heard the sound of a broken heart

While still in the catechumenate stage, God gave me a touch: “You are coming to serve me.” My reaction was, “No, it’s sick like this, how to serve!” “Since my baptism in March 2011, there has been a powerful force that has drawn me to seek to know more about God. In my spare time, I spend my spare time reading the Bible, listening to sermons, and reading devotional books. Reading Brother Bian Yunbo’s “To the Nameless Preacher”, my tears couldn’t stop flowing, and I didn’t understand why there was a strong burning feeling in my heart.

In May 2012, I led my mentor to visit me and encouraged me to participate in church service. “A lot of people serve in wheelchairs, and you can equip yourself with online seminaries,” she said. “Although I was gradually out of my wheelchair at that time, I still had to walk on crutches. I was afraid that my body would not allow it, so I did not respond to her.

At that time, there was still a longing in my heart that was not satisfied – love. Since I was a child, I lacked my father’s love, and I still hope to fill the hole in my heart through love.

In August 2012, I fell in love. I hope that the other person also has the desire to serve God, but I find that he is a little absent-minded. In three years of love, there was very little dialogue between hearts, and I tried to change him, thinking that if I kept praying and waiting patiently, he would grow. In fact, I was already putting too much energy into love at the time.

On New Year’s Day 2015, two months before our planned wedding date, the other party suddenly broke up with me with three text messages. It turned out that from beginning to end, neither he nor his parents could accept my physical condition. At that moment my whole body trembled, and I almost heard the sound of my own heart breaking. I suddenly heard another voice: “I want to turn your life upside down.” “But I didn’t want to pay attention to anything, I felt like my heart was being torn apart and trampled on. I hated myself and hated each other. I can’t figure it out, why is it always me?

The pastor said to me, “God’s homework for you is hard. Because God loves you very much, in order to forge your life and expand your realm. “I felt my heart dripping blood, and it was better to live than to die. I’ve come to see the other person as the only person who can satisfy my thirst for love. I base my worth and identity entirely on people. Once the other party abandons me and abandons me on the grounds of disgust for my body, I am like grass trampled in the mud, and there is no meaning in existence.

God made me face again: Who am I? Why should I believe? Who do I live for? If my relatives, health, and love, which I consider most treasured, are taken away, do I still believe in God’s goodness and faithfulness? Without these treasures, a pure relationship with God is experienced. I am sure that all my good is outside of God, and without God, I can do nothing. Every night, I could only cry and kneel and ask the mighty God to heal me, asking the Holy Spirit to comfort me with unspoken prayers. I experienced three crashes during this time, and each time it was like death. When I got up, I slowly realized that everything in the world was bleak, and the Lord Jesus was the real baby.

Six months later, I recovered from the pain of falling out of love. God helped me not only to forgive the other person but also to pray for the other person’s life. God really expanded my realm, turned me upside down, and brought me out of more than a decade of inferiority, worthlessness, and fear of abandonment.

You are to be worthy of your suffering

One day walking on the road, my own experience suddenly appeared in my heart: my father died, and I depended on my mother for life; suffering from two serious illnesses that cannot be treated; Just after the body improved, he was broken up when he was talking about marriage. I still can’t help but ask, why me? This time God immediately gave me a message: “Be worthy of your suffering.” “Thinking back to the grace God has given me over the years, and thinking back to what I owe to God, I have ignored God’s call. Suddenly, I was very ashamed and cried.

I prayed that the Lord Himself would guide me to the field of His calling. A month later, God answered my prayer: an organization invited me to participate in college student ministry. In July 2015, I officially started serving.

Through financial aid, I came into contact with these students who are studying at prestigious schools. They work very hard without knowing the purpose; their Souls are broken, encounters are different; Some families are poor, some families are crippled, and some family members are seriously ill; Low self-esteem, insecurity, unwillingness to open up, need long-term companionship to build relationships. I see myself in them, and I find that my past experiences have made me understand them very well. Students easily trusted me and shared their experiences with me, and many cried in front of me. I often wept with them and found comfort together.

From regular meetings to private visits, evangelism, first faith cultivation, discipleship… At the end of each day, my heart is filled with joy. This is a satisfaction that no job has given me in the past. The more I serve, the more I feel the heavy burden on my students. Some students have been closing themselves off for many years, and suddenly one day they began to take the initiative to care about the people around them and know how to be grateful from the bottom of their hearts… The slightest change in their lives makes me cheer. When someone turns away from God, I also feel heartache.

Sometimes when my good intentions met with cold or even worse responses, although I was sad, I also understood the heart of Jesus: He was rejected by the world, and His love was trampled on. When I returned to the Lord, my heart was greatly comforted because I saw that my past self had rejected Jesus in this way, but God had accepted and forgiven me unconditionally. I never thought I could serve so much when I was weak.

I thank God that the death of my earthly father allowed me to hold on to the love of my heavenly father; The despair in the pain made me realize my pride and incompetence, and was willing to let go of myself; Failure in love made me experience God’s irreplaceability. Years ago, I asked so many “why me” questions, thinking that God was suffering me, but now I find that God wants to use the patience and hope that afflictions give me so that I can comfort others.

God has placed in me the heart that loves you

As I got older, I began to pray for my marriage. Having had previous experiences, I was pessimistic. I asked God to help me deal rationally with my feelings.

I made a list for my future spouse: he should be very confident; Willing to serve, although not necessarily full-time, but support me full-time and serve with me; He knows how to appreciate the beauty of God through my weak body, admires God’s grace and power in my life, and is willing to go through storms and crowns with me; With the blessings of both parents. I sent the list to my good sister and asked her to remind me not to give my heart away.

I knew my situation was too hard to get into marriage. Whenever I was weak, I cried out to God: “My physical condition is something that you have allowed to happen to me and become a part of my life, and in your healing power, you allow such a situation, believing that there is a special intention.” Please don’t let my physical disability prevent me from entering a relationship, let alone from continuing to serve you. ”

Not long after I came to Christ, I paid attention to “Realm” and was an old fan of “Realm”. At that time, I happened to read Nick Hochul sharing, he said: “I really looked down on myself at that time, and what is even more frightening is that I also underestimated God and the gift he gave to two people who have loved each other for a long time.” If you’ve ever waited for God to send someone to love you, as I did, I don’t want you to make the same mistake. As you may already know, God has brought me an incredibly good person, and the depth of her love for me amazes me every day. Never give up if you want love, because God has this desire in your heart for a reason. “This encouraged me to continue praying for my marriage.

I met my current husband at a camp in 2017. I didn’t notice it at the time, but when I had the opportunity to serve together, I was attracted by his “silly” energy of simple trust. He grew up abroad and was a top student in a prestigious school, but later suffered from depression and was won by the Lord in the dark. After he came to Christ, he has always been a burden to China, and after graduating with a doctorate, he gave up a good opportunity to come to China. At the time, he didn’t know which city he was going to, “God asked me to come, and I came.”

As we got to know each other better, fear came back to mind. I was afraid of repeating the past, so I was honest about my physical condition and the risks ahead: “I may be in a wheelchair, I may not be able to give birth, I may suddenly die of illness…” After listening to my words, he said that he wanted to pray carefully.

I asked God for two confirmations, the first, if it was from God, asked God not only to accept me, but to see God’s power through the weakness of my body; Beyond my incompleteness, and see the beauty within me; The second is that his parents can accept me. I know that I don’t have enough confidence and always have to see something tangible before I want to step out. But God wants to prune me in this regard. God knew my character, and for three months, both in personal devotion and Sunday sermons, revolved around the theme of “faith.”

One day, he asked me out and said a bunch of things. It took me two hours to react, and it turned out that he was confessing to me. Before leaving, he told me that he would not give up unless God told him to let go. He was indeed worried, and the spiritual elders around him also made him cautious, but he saw me experience God’s power through physical weakness, and appreciated my determination in God even after so many setbacks. He told his parents the truth, and they respected and supported his decision.

We began to relate carefully, and every time we met, I prayed to God to help us open up more about ourselves, even our fragile selves, and help us get to know each other more fully. I found that his character matched the list of mates I had written down back then! God has given more than I ask or think. Our respective experiences in the past are so worn that we dare not boast for ourselves, so we will not quarrel with you to death. Of course, the gentleness and introspection of the Holy Spirit also allow us to see the gaps and sinful nature of each other’s lives, rather than blindly accusing each other.

Having just entered marriage, I couldn’t help but ask him several times: “I am a person who has nothing, why do you love me so much?” His answer was the same: “Because God has put in me the heart that loves you.” ”