见证篇179.更广…
我们心里不易察觉的黑暗和脏污很多。所有人都在光明与黑暗两边之间，尽管你心中仍有黑暗，但那份对光明的向往，其实就是光明在你生命中浮现的开始：那在你里面动善工的，必在基督耶稣的日子里成全这工。但这需要一个过程，其中充满了挣扎。
01. 关键不是速度，而是方向
性犯罪本质上就是与错误的情欲对象交合，可能发生在实际层面，也可能发生在想象中。人心总是在使用、滥用、误用上帝的恩典和其他人，而不在乎别人的纯洁，让原本美好的性变得肮脏、可怕。受害者因为别人对你做的事而感到愧疚和羞耻，在千奇百怪的污秽之中，有不洁的痛苦，也有不洁的快感。
“色情”并非专属男性的问题。我们必须认清，女性完全有能力和男性犯下同样的罪。但有时男女的心态会不同。典型的女性心态，通常是寻找爱与关系。我认识许多女同性恋者，她们对亲密感的渴望很强，当她们发现别的女人能满足她，就将这种关系渐渐情欲化了。色情网站或许是许多男性的问题，但浪漫小说可能就是女性的色情网站：只是它们诉诸于浪漫的情欲，而不是赤裸裸的情欲。小说封面上美女被男人强壮的手臂搂着，得到关爱和保护，这正是世界所给的救赎之一。
并非结婚就能解决性问题。恐惧、罪咎感、不好的回忆，都可能带入婚姻。即使你已经不再犯罪，但罪恶感仍缠着你，你感觉自己像受损的物品，价值打了折扣。基督的救赎将要对一切黑暗之处动工，不只是对情欲动工，它也对不圣洁的痛苦动工，对亲密感的缺乏动工，对那种透过性来发泄的愤怒动工。
我们所面对的黑暗比我们想象的更广、更深，争战也比我们想象的更长。我们常常把门训、辅导当作成圣的速效药，似乎只要研读某节经文，记住因信称义，不断聚会听道，问题就迎刃而解。当事情依旧，我们就不知所措。观察历史，你会发现上帝似乎乐意用几个世代甚至几个世纪，来对祂的人群动工。因为爱是恒久忍耐。当你把这个道理放在个人身上，上帝愿意花几十年在你我生命中动工。所谓门徒，就是终生的学习者。这是一场会持续到最后的争战，最终会有一个荣耀的结果。
成圣的过程非常多样化，有些人像飞跃的羚羊一下子摆脱各种污秽。也许你生命比较像是平稳走路，养成纪律，逐步学习。也有些时候你举步维艰，甚至有时你在爬行，用指甲前进。你知道吗？这样也很好。真正重要的不是距离或速度，而是方向。尽管有时或许你连动都动不了，但至少是面对正确的方向——你面向上帝，把信心放在上帝身上。
当耶稣说“悔改”的时候，祂要信徒用一生的时间来悔改。这很惊人！我们通常把悔改想得很简单，就是做错事要回头。马丁·路德的说法比较接近圣经，他写道：“我们尚未成为我们应当成为的样子，但我们正在朝它逐渐成长。这个过程还没结束，而是正在进行。这并不是结束，而是道路。这一切尚未在荣耀中发光，但都正在被洁净。”
02. 情欲只是你排解其他压力的排气阀
这场争战比我们想象得更宽广。就像一间多厅影院门口招牌上写着本周热门电影：情欲大片，里面有几部戏，这场争战其实在多间影厅中同时展开。我在服事那些在性罪中挣扎的人时发现，他们常常是在别的影厅中有所突破，反过来改变了他们与性罪争战的战果。
一个35岁的单身男子，从15岁信主就开始了长达20年的情欲挣扎。他不时接触色情、自慰，时好时坏。虽试过所有方法，包括彼此问责监督、背经、祷告、禁食，甚至还有剧烈运动和冷水澡，但仍无法摆脱。他很气馁，“我真的是基督徒吗？”“何必这么辛苦呢？”
身为他的牧师，我不想跟他说一堆他尝试过但做不到的道理，我从简单的问题开始，“你能不能做个记录？记下你何时、什么情况之下受试探，试着找到规律，是否还有其他跟性犯罪有关的事正在发生？”
他笑着说：“我已经知道答案了，我只会在周五或周六晚上软弱。因为我和上帝闹脾气。”我感到惊讶，他继续说，“我每周五下班回家，孤伶伶回到公寓，我的单身朋友们大都出门约会了，已婚朋友则正和妻子欢度良宵，只有我独自一人自艾自怜。到了晚上九、十点，我就会对自己说：‘今天你可以好好放松一下，毕竟上帝欺骗了你。’然后我就跌倒了。”
许多问题都是性犯罪的温床。这位男士面对的不只是情欲问题，他有两股念头，一方面想，“所有正确的事我都做了，但上帝却没给我妻子作为奖励，所以我责怪祂。”另一方面，他又把罪咎感和控告指向自己：“我仍然没有得胜，只要我得胜就能得到一个妻子！”上帝让他看见自己的生命建在脆弱不堪的基础上——试图靠自己的表现赚取上帝的奖赏，这种彻底败坏的心态需要被洗净。
我们花了很多时间处理他的自义以及对妻子的渴望，多过我们用来处理色情影碟的时间。无论是幻想层面或行为层面，情欲对人来说就像蒸汽炉的排气阀。当一个人遇到太多压力、失败和挫折的时候，他想去寻找一个虚假的避难所，用性来缓解。这场争战必须扩大，“性”与你整个生活是嵌在一起的，与其他许多层面的问题有关。生活中正常的压力，我们应当凭着信心来处理，而不是犯罪。
03. 最肮脏的罪，其实最容易解决
这场争战比我们想的更深入。面对性罪就像玩电子游戏，一开始你的等级最低，敌人行动缓慢，几下就被你打飞了。第2级，敌人会变快一点。当你到了42级的时候，敌人难以捉摸，行动迅速，你会输很多次。在性犯罪上，初级的敌人最简单，像通奸、淫乱，因为它们显而易见，为了犯这种罪，你必须撒很多谎才能掩人耳目，所以某种程度上它们是比较容易摆脱的。
中级的罪可能是色情。色情比奸淫更难对付，因为它不易察觉，容易得到却较难被发现。只要上网点几下鼠标就可以了，然后删除历史记录。更高级的可能是意淫，更不易察觉，你什么都不用做，一切都在脑袋里发生，不留痕迹。虽然你没有跟人乱来，却同样充满罪恶。随着争战进展越来越深入，不易察觉的敌人会越来越多。
不仅主动犯罪的人如此，被动受害者也是如此。处在受虐关系中，虽然艰难但还算比较容易逃离和打破。但要真正处理对方带给你的恐惧就比较困难，而去处理充满绝望、伤害与补偿式情欲的幻想，更是难解的问题。
在意淫之上，还有一种状况：你没有寻找罪，而是罪寻找你。广告里几乎没穿衣服的女性找上你，不是你主动找她，你受试探想多看一眼。没有人会为此受到教会惩戒，但这可能才是很难搞定的战场。
再升高一级就是按照外貌判断人的潜意识，就像有人喜欢用财富或职位高低来衡量别人。这种罪无关你做了什么，而关乎你的本质。纯洁的潜意识是有可能培养出来的，但需要经过许多祷告、思考、争战、悔改，多次和自己摔跤，然后才有办法看待异性为需要被关怀、被在乎与爱的人，视他人为姐妹、弟兄和朋友，而不受他们的外表影响。我们对成圣的看法必须更深入，不能因为停止了奸淫与色情，就以为问题解决了。看起来最肮脏的罪，某种程度上其实只是最容易解决的部分。
关于成圣的深刻真理之一就是，一方面你正朝着光明前进，比以前更有爱、喜乐、信心；另一方面你也意识到自己败坏的程度有多深。用加尔文的话说：“我们心里有邪恶的余烬，随时都会再烧起来。”你越深入了解罪，越会发现从最深层的罪来看，我们基本上都是一样的，无论是外在的行为或脑袋里的想象，无论是意淫或看了不该看的东西第二眼，或是不知不觉就对人品头论足。最深层的罪，并不是你做了什么，而是你为什么做。
04. 我们都在战斗，但敌人不同
刚才提到的那个35岁男子的案例中，性欲望是他犯罪的真实动机，但它与其他动机相关联，包括“我想要有妻子”，“上帝欠我一个妻子”。所有的偶像崇拜，都是用受造界的东西来取代上帝。人在上帝以外寻找避难所。这是多层次的偶像崇拜。我们也许和那个男人截然不同，但也有同样的偶像崇拜。
偶像崇拜关乎你想得到的一些东西，以及生命变艰难的时候你逃往何处。性犯罪有许多特别的动机，除了性欲之外，人们有时会因为渴望亲密感和被爱而犯这种罪。很多性生活很乱的女孩，外表并不出众，当男孩们对她说“你好美，我好爱你”，她虽然知道是谎言，但甘愿被骗，为了能体验到被爱的感觉。
有些人性犯罪，是想要在性方面操控对方的反应，他们更深层的愉悦来自能在性方面体会操控对方的感觉，他们渴望诱惑、玩弄别人。还有对权威的堕落服从欲，让人无法逃出被虐待的情形。此外，金钱也是性犯罪的动机之一，当然不仅是卖淫、色情作家之类以金钱为直接目标的动机，还有更难察觉的模式。我的教会曾有一个经济拮据的单亲妈妈，房东让她可以用性交易抵租金。她并不喜欢那个房东，觉得他很脏，但她遇到的是经济方面的试探。
如果你在为这样的人做辅导和门训，你最好别假定一切性犯罪的试探都单纯来自性欲，性犯罪还有最后一个动机：报复。我看过许多性犯罪的行为，是出自愤怒。例如“你对我不忠，所以我就去跟你最好的朋友上床”；一对夫妻争执后彼此心怀苦毒，于是先生跑去看色情片，太太则上网和人调情。
我们必须深化这场争战，然后你会发现我们大家都一样在战斗。有人和骄傲争战、有人和情欲争战、有人和控制欲争战、有人和被控制的混乱感争战、有人和愤怒争战、有人和拜金争战。
05. 我们的目标不只是停止犯罪
同样重要的是，我们要记得自己争战的目标。有两个常见的错误，一个是只把目标订为“停止犯罪”，“我已经半年没有上色情网站了”，他们认为胜利看起来就是这样的。另一种错误目标就是把恩典的管道当成目标，忽略了恩典的目的。彷佛目标就只是要有问责机制、背经文，或进到传讲真理的教会，没有把这些当作手段，用来达到主的目标。
主的目标就是和上帝的关系得到更新，使我们可以以爱待人。没错，上帝想要你停止犯罪，但更要你和祂有一段真实的关系，彻底需要祂，从心底呼求祂。心灵贫穷的人有福了，上帝没有兴趣创造靠自我控制就能成为良好公民的人，祂要的是需要祂、爱祂、寻求祂、以祂为乐的人。然后祂呼召我们去爱，“请让我别犯罪、帮助我作恩典的管道，好让我的信心能藉由爱而表达出来”。
经历这样的奇妙转变，你会开始热心于守护别人的纯洁与幸福，你将不再把别人当作满足你眼目情欲的物品，你不想看到他们遭受情欲的污染，当然自己也不会想去污染他们。你会渴望你所爱的人成为圣洁。
这种正向的眼光，只用三种分类方式“家人、配偶、威胁”来看每个异性。以男性为例，我遇到的每个女性，只有一位是配偶，我的性生活只属于她。我的母亲、女儿是我的家人，在这个败坏的文化中，我们会保护她们免受性罪污染。还有一个类别是“威胁”，可能在性方面诱惑我。我应当远离她们，而不是被吸引过去。这可以帮助人们彼此相爱、安全相处。
现在你要思考，你此刻的挣扎，具体是在什么事情上？你目前的挣扎，就是你今天需要基督来满足你的内容。祂在你里面放了福音：“我永不离开你、永不抛弃你。”假设我生命中的黑暗是曾经被人伤害，因此性对我而言是充满恐惧的。如果祂真的永不离弃我，那么我的生命就真的有亮光了。或者你面对的是罪咎感，因为你在性生活上犯了许多罪，祂对你的污秽并不惊讶，祂正是为了洗净污秽而降生受死，“我永不离弃你”就是对你的罪咎感说的。
如果你的问题是受试探去和别人搞暧昧，如果你是一个掠食者，“我永不离弃你”这句话对你又有什么涵义呢？其中一个意义，是让你敬畏上帝。祂看得见你一切的作为，你无从隐藏。但也有另外一层意义：祂总是在你身边，祂会帮助你。你若寻找祂，就会寻见祂。只要一声呼求，祂就来了。
求神让我们看清这场争战的真面目，帮助我们了解一切敌人，包含明显的和隐蔽的。增广我们的视野，让我们能处理整个成圣过程中各种失败和起伏，帮我们了解这场争战的宽度和深度，帮我们看见我们的目的地。我们不想要只是在行为上不再做恶，我们想要美好的事物。主啊，最重要的是，求你让我们在需要遇见你的地方遇见你。
见证篇178. 那…
我该怎样原谅这个消失这么久的父亲？我甚至没有力气叫他一声“爸爸”。他看着我，惊讶得下巴快掉了。我忍住眼泪让自己坚强，我心里留着沉重的恨，对这样一位老人还有什么意义？我把他当做本该熟悉却又陌生的成年人，问他二十多来不曾问过却想知道答案的问题。
我出生在天津郊区，家附近有一条漂亮的小河，有时候可以看到啄木鸟在林间飞翔。我最喜欢的事是躺在棉花田里发呆，任小狗在旁边依偎着我睡觉，或者偶尔舔舔我，央我回家。记得上小学时我不爱说话，但很喜欢写作文，喜欢用纸和笔记录树木花鸟，这样的恬静让我快乐。
我不想回家，因为爸妈隔三差五就会吵架，有时爸爸还会打妈妈，幼小的我只能无助地抱着小狗，躲在一旁哭个不停。大伯偶尔会来劝架，可惜收效甚微。多少次争吵过后，妈妈拉着我走长长的路，跨过小河，走过小桥，跑到亲戚家。一路上，妈妈不停流着眼泪，几乎无话。我也没有心情像平常一样“探险”周遭的环境。往往过一段时间后，爸爸会来跟妈妈道歉，再接她回家。
吵闹越来越频繁，我的童年不再有恬淡的日子。他们两人似乎也厌倦了。六岁那年的一天，爸爸问我，如果他俩离婚，我想跟谁生活。很显然，多次陪着妈妈流泪“逃走”的经历让我毫不迟疑地回答：“我跟妈妈，因为你老是让她哭。”一纸协议后，妈妈把所有和爸爸有关的照片都撕掉了，仿佛也把他和我所有的联结都带走了。从那以后，我再也没有见过爸爸。
8岁那年，妈妈嫁给了继父，但我从没叫过他爸爸，因为我知道他不是。那时的我并不懂得“破镜难圆”的道理，心里仍然期待着生父的出现。每年生日前后，我都会坐在学校操场边上，望着校门口的方向。我多么希望那个男人会提着东西来看我，抱抱我 . 我想他了，不知道他是否也会想起我？
那时候，每年生日总是赶上阳历的四月，如果又恰逢周四，我就会想，“四”是多么不吉利的数字，我会不会在那天死去！那么在我临死前见一见爸爸，这个想法不过分吧？可是现实仍然让我无数次的失望，这种等待没有任何结果。“爸爸”这个词在我的生活里逐渐消失了。我不禁要问，给我生命的男人啊，你为什么把我带到这个世界上？
- 在异乡渴望被爱
为了远离这样灰暗的生活，高考后表哥帮我填写了志愿，我来到离家很远的内蒙古上大学。距离并没有给我的心带来任何安慰，每当夜半被噩梦惊醒时，我还是会默默流泪。生我的父亲都不爱我，还有谁会来爱我呢？
大学期间，我参与组织了一个同心结爱心协会，和同学一起去城市周边的小学慰问、义卖筹款，支援“母亲水窖”。我想自己还年轻，可以有不断的爱去帮助别人。但当我一个人的时候，心里非常清楚，这个破碎的自己更需要有人来爱。
一个冬日下雪的晚上，协会的一位学妹在服务点等人来捐衣服。我透过宿舍的窗户看到她，觉得好心疼，便下楼来对她说：“回去吧，太冷了，明天天气好再来！”没想到她特别开心地说：“没事的，姐姐，你知道吗？人的爱是有限的，神的爱是无限的。”听到这句话，不知怎么的，我鼻子一酸，眼泪便涌了上来。我在心里问：“竟然有这样一位神吗？祂可以让我不再流泪吗？如果是真的，我想认识这位神。”
后来学妹邀请我到她家里参加聚会。素昧平生，她的妈妈和朋友对我满是关切，这深深触动了我。以前，我经常告诉自己没有家，只有妈妈在的地方才是家。但现在我身处异乡，竟然体会到了久违的温暖，第一次有了家的感觉。
我是多么渴望得到爱啊，我又追寻起爱情来。大学期间我谈了恋爱，毕业后为了离家近一点，我来到北京工作，与男友也变成了异地恋。距离使感情变得淡漠，男友打电话的次数越来越少，最后爱情也走了。我觉得这遭遇和妈妈好像，小时候看她流泪等爸爸来接她回家，我竟然也奢望以流泪为代价让爱情回来。结果显而易见，我浑浑噩噩捱过了三年灰心失望的生活。
02.我打通了给父亲的电话
神的爱再次向我伸出了手。我被同事邀请去教会，听到了那首《这一生最美的祝福》，“在无数的黑夜里，我用星星画出你……这一生最美的祝福，就是能认识主耶稣……”泪水瞬间决堤，一股温暖的力量从心里升腾起来，苦涩的泪水仿佛都变成了甘甜。如果说我在以往的日子里流了一公升的眼泪，那个时候我开始相信“流泪撒种的必欢呼收割”，我也相信在我心里有个和我同喜乐同哀伤的灵在医治我。
这之后我受了洗，开始参与在教会主日学的服侍。回看来时的路，心里充满感恩，我深知自己一路上是如何被撒种、被浇灌，又是如何在主的帮助下得释放的。我想回报这位救我出黑暗入光明的主。
随着对主认识的加深，我对自己的认识也更清楚了。有一次参加退修会的集体祷告时，过去的伤痛又被牵引出来。我把自己沉浸在祷告里，任凭眼泪不止。然后我听到神对我说：“我是你的父亲，我给你爱，你不要觉得孤单。”我又看到了小时候那些父母吵架的场景，看到妈妈难过的在我面前撕照片，“这些都不会再有了，因为我要用我的爱充满你。”这个声音温柔地引导我，其中“饶恕”这个词被重复了五次。
这次经历后，神透过牧师的讲道、灵修文章分享，以及我自己的灵修祷告，和肯德尔牧师（Robert Tillman Kendall）关于“完全饶恕” 的讲道，帮助我明白了神的心意：原谅这个世界上伤我最深的人，因为天上的父亲喜悦我这样做。随后，我通过表哥寻找父亲的联系方式。原本没有抱太大希望，毕竟二十多年没有联系了，结果第二天表哥就把父亲的电话号码给我了！
一想到要面对这么多年没见的父亲，心里实在忐忑。我清楚地记得拿到电话的那天下午，我蒸了一只一斤半的英国面包蟹，吃了两个小时之久。大概快到晚上9点时，我意识到不能再拖了，再不打电话这一晚上就过去了。既然决定好了就行动吧。我拨通了电话，对方接起来却没有说话。我咽了咽口水，壮着胆子问：“请问是祝先生吗？”“是，你是谁？”“我是你的女儿。”
我感受到了他的惊讶，他连连问：“你怎么知道我的电话号码的？”“之前很多从北京打来的电话我都没有接，是你打的吗？”“你要见面吗？”“你遇到什么困难了吗？有什么困难你要说。”
眼泪早就在我脸上肆意流淌，听到久违的关切，我感受到刺心的痛楚。“如果你这么在意，为什么这么多年都不联系我？”这句话我忍住了没有问出口。神啊，我该怎样去原谅这个消失了这么久的父亲？我甚至没有力气叫他一声“爸爸”，心里不情愿极了。挂电话时，他说要保持联系，并问我：“如果有什么问题的话，我可以给你打电话吗？”我说“可以。”多么艰难的开始！但我也清楚地知道，神在帮我释放，因为“一宿虽然有哭泣，早晨便必欢呼”。结束通话后的晚上，我流着泪在沙发上祷告着睡着了。
第二天，我照常去学校上班，午休时和同事来到附近一家咖啡店吃东西。坐定后，我开始在祷告笔记上写出对昨晚通话的疑惑：为什么他接到电话时问我怎么找到他的电话号码？他真的想念我吗？他真的会见我吗？他怕不怕我对他有所图谋、对他有仇恨……写着写着，泪水又打湿了眼眶。突然手机响了，泪光中我看到是父亲的来电，便接了起来。
他急切地提了一连串的问题：“我忍着等到午休的时候给你打电话。你昨天打来，我吓坏了，不知道你发生了什么事？你的工作还好吗？你喜欢现在的工作吗？你具体做什么？”我们聊了约有30分钟，刚刚写下的疑惑在这次通话中一一得到了解答。我深深知道是神在指引我，感谢祂预备的丰盛恩典。此时我也意识到，我必须要正视自己的内心，让自己得到医治。挂了电话，我忍不住哭了起来，桌上的纸巾堆成了小山。旁边的同事甚至都怀疑我是不是被学校辞退了，打击这么大……
熟悉这里的人都知道，店里的客人都是学校的老师和附近的外国人，很少有陌生人来。就在我哭得不能自已时，一位衣着朴素的老妈妈来到旁边问我是不是感冒了，要不要去医院。由于实在忍不住要哭，我求神帮我找一辆顺风车载我回家，果然3分钟之后我坐上了一辆天津牌照的顺风车。终于只有我独自一人了，在车上我尽情地让自己哭了个痛快，如同约瑟见到他的那些哥哥一样，哭声震动埃及全城。
03.父亲看着我，惊讶得下巴快掉了
慢慢的，想见父亲的念头越来越强烈。一次在赞美的时候，我在祷告中请求神激动父亲的心，使他能主动联系我。我低头，泪水落到手机上，父亲发来的短信赫然映入眼帘：“我们保持联系吧，有困难一定告诉我！”我知道神在指引我快快去饶恕，便回复他：“我联系你是因为想告诉你，我原谅你在我生命里的缺席。你不要有负担。我不怪你对我所做的，我想见见你。”
后来我又先后给他发了两条长信息，告诉他我过去二十几年的生活，那些没有他的日子里，我在哪里上学、工作，所有的思念、怨恨，以及由此带来的对男生的仇视，我通通告诉了他。同时我也表达了并不想介入他的生活，更不需要他的经济支援。对于联络他的缘由我也如实说了，我是怎么认识神的，如何被神引导要去原谅。因为神把我放在祂翅膀荫下，把我视作祂眼中的瞳仁，我知道天上的父亲爱我，想让我成为更好的自己，所以我能不去追究地上的缺失，可以坦然无惧地原谅地上的父亲。
看了我的信息，父亲回复说，觉得自己很愧疚、很不是滋味。他打算订一家饭店，要我去见他的家人和孩子。考虑到自己当下的承受能力，我拒绝了。我说目前只想见他一个人。我们约在了一家星巴克。
那天我如期赴约，进了屋就在前台点一杯抹茶拿铁。他恰好走进来问，这里是不是星巴克，却不知道站在旁边的就是他要找的人。他一开口说话，我就从声音里认出了他。我忍着没有说话，想看看他能否认出我来。可惜他没有。他转身想去二楼确认地址。眼见着他就要从我身边走开，我走上前去说：“你是不是在找我？”他看着我，下巴快掉了的样子。毕竟二十多年没见，这样吃惊也属正常。我虽然认出了他，心里却也带着惊讶。在我心中他是三十多岁的模样，如今他都快六十了，自然衰老了许多。
我俩坐下来，他说我眼睛像他，下巴像妈妈。面对这位生我却不养我，曾经让我思念、等待、仇恨的父亲，我忍着眼泪让自己坚强。我不知道心里留着那样沉重的恨，对这样一位老人还有什么意义。索性我把他当作一位本该熟悉却又陌生的成年人，问他二十多来不曾问过却想要知道答案的问题。两个人就这么聊了大约三个小时，以往的许多伤心难过都释然了，我好像更了解了约瑟和他哥哥们相逢同席时的心情，原来饶恕可以让人这么轻松！
04. 神是一切的答案都说时间是一剂良药，而今的我却想说，唯有神才是一切的答案。感谢神拣选我成为祂的女儿，教我真理，给我爱和温柔，并引导我与地上的父亲和好。
面对这位在我生命里缺席26年之久的父亲，所有的辛酸和愁苦开始褪去，饶恕让我得到释放。“我们又藉着祂，因信得进入现在所站的这恩典中，并且欢欢喜喜盼望神的荣耀。不但如此，就是在患难中也是欢欢喜喜的。因为知道患难生忍耐，忍耐生老练，老练生盼望；盼望不至于羞耻，因为所赐给我们的圣灵将神的爱浇灌在我们心里。”
正如神的爱浇灌了我，我得着了满足，便“从腹中流出活水的江河来”。我不禁也想让父亲认识神，为他祷告，可以得到永恒的盼望和福乐。“惟有基督在我们还作罪人的时候为我们死，神的爱就在此向我们显明了。”“但你们在那里必寻求耶和华你的神。你尽心尽性寻求祂的时候，就必寻见。”
因为得着了神的爱，地上父亲的遗弃变得不再重要。经历了这一切，我深知是神把我从苦毒中拯救出来。惟愿神可以使用我的分享，帮助有类似经历的你，洗净你的泪痕，与神爱的活水相连。
Testimoni…
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That day, I went to see my father, who had abandoned me for 26 years
How can I forgive this father who has disappeared for so long? I didn’t even have the strength to call him “Daddy.” He looked at me and his jaw dropped in surprise. I held back tears to make myself strong, I had a heavy hatred in my heart, what was the meaning of such an old man? I treated him as a familiar but strange adult, asking him questions he hadn’t asked in more than twenty years but wanted to know the answers.
I was born on the outskirts of Tianjin, with a nice river near my home, and sometimes woodpeckers can be seen flying in the forest. My favorite thing to do is lie in a daze in a cotton field, let the puppy snuggle up next to me to sleep, or occasionally lick me and let me go home. I remember that when I was in elementary school, I didn’t like to talk, but I liked to write and write down trees, flowers, and birds with pen and paper, which made me happy.
I didn’t want to go home, because my parents would quarrel every third and fifth, sometimes my father would beat my mother, and I could only hold the puppy helplessly, hide on the side, and cry. The uncle would occasionally come to persuade but unfortunately had little effect. How many times after the argument, my mother pulled me on a long walk, across the river, across the bridge, and ran to the relatives’ house? Along the way, my mother kept shedding tears and almost didn’t say anything. I’m also not in the mood to “explore” my surroundings as usual. Often after a while, Dad would come to apologize to Mom and take her home.
The noise became more and more frequent, and there were no more quiet days in my childhood. The two of them also seemed tired of it. One day when I was six years old, my dad asked me who I would like to live with if they divorced. Obviously, the experience of “escaping” with my mother in tears many times made me answer without hesitation: “I talk to my mother because you always make her cry.” “After a piece of agreement, my mother tore up all the photos related to my father, as if she also took away all the connections between him and me. I haven’t seen my dad since.
When I was 8 years old, my mom married my stepfather, but I never called him daddy because I knew he wasn’t. At that time, I did not understand the truth that “it is difficult to break the mirror”, and I still looked forward to the appearance of my biological father. Every year around my birthday, I would sit on the edge of the school playground and look in the direction of the school gate. How I wish that man would come to see me with something and hug me… I miss him, I wonder if he will think of me too?
At that time, every birthday always coincided with April in the solar calendar, and if it happened to be Thursday, I would wonder, what the unlucky number “four” is, and will I die on that day! So seeing my dad before I die, isn’t that too much? But the reality still disappointed me countless times, and this wait came to no avail. The word “dad” faded away in my life. I can’t help but ask, O man who gave me my life, why did you bring me into this world?
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Longing to be loved in a foreign land
In order to stay away from such a gloomy life, my cousin helped me fill out the volunteer after the college entrance examination, and I came to Inner Mongolia, far from home, to attend university. The distance did not bring any comfort to my heart, and I still wept silently whenever I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare. The father who gave birth to me didn’t love me, so who else would love me?
During my university years, I participated in the organization of a Heart Together Association, and I went with my classmates to elementary schools around the city to offer condolences, charity sales, and fundraisers to support the “Mother Water Cellar”. I think I’m still young and can have constant love to help others. But when I am alone, I know very well that this broken self needs someone to love more.
One snowy winter evening, a student of the association waited at the service point for someone to donate clothes. I saw her through the window of the dormitory and felt so distressed, so I came downstairs and said to her: “Go back, it’s too cold, come back tomorrow when the weather is good!” Unexpectedly, she said happily: “It’s okay, sister, you know?” Man’s love is finite, and God’s love is infinite. Hearing this, somehow, my nose soured, and tears welled up. I asked in my heart, “Is there such a God?” Can He stop me from crying? If it’s true, I want to know this God. ”
Later, my junior invited me to her house for a party. In my life, her mother and friends were full of concern for me, which touched me deeply. In the past, I often told myself that there was no home and that only the place where my mother was was home. But now that I am in a foreign land, I have experienced the warmth of a long absence, and I feel at home for the first time.
How I longed for love, and I sought love again. I fell in love during college, and after graduation, in order to be closer to home, I came to Beijing to work, and my boyfriend and I also became a long-distance relationship. Distance makes feelings indifferent, boyfriends call less and less, and finally, love is gone. I feel that this encounter is similar to my mother, when I was a child, watching her cry and waiting for her father to take her home, I even had the luxury of letting love come back at the cost of tears. The results were obvious, and I lived a life of disappointment for three years.
02. I got through to my father
God’s love reached out to me again. I was invited to church by my colleagues and heard the song “The Most Beautiful Blessing of This Life”, “In countless dark nights, I draw you with stars… The most beautiful blessing in this life is to know the Lord Jesus…” Tears burst in an instant, a warm force rose from the heart, and bitter tears seemed to turn sweet. If I shed a liter of tears in the old days when I came to believe that “whoever sows with tears will reap,” I also believe that there is a spirit in my heart who is happy and sorrowful with me that is healing me.
After that, I was baptized and began to participate in Sunday school service in the church. Looking back on the road, I was filled with gratitude, and I knew how I was sown and watered along the way, and how I was released with the help of the Lord. I want to repay the Lord who rescued me from darkness into light.
As I became more aware of the Lord, I became clearer about myself. Once, while attending a group prayer at a retreat, the pain of the past was pulled out again. I immersed myself in prayer and let the tears endure. Then I heard God say to me, “I am your father, I give you love, don’t feel alone.” I saw the scenes of my parents arguing when I was a child, and I saw my mother tearing pictures in front of me sadly, “None of this will be again, because I will fill you with my love.” The voice guided me gently, and the word “forgiveness” was repeated five times.
After this experience, God helped me understand God’s intention through pastor sermons, devotional article sharing, my own devotional prayers, and Reverend Robert Tillman Kendall’s sermon on “total forgiveness” to forgive the people in the world who hurt me the most, because my Father in heaven pleased me to do so. Subsequently, I looked for my father’s contact information through my cousin. Originally, I didn’t have much hope, after all, I haven’t been in touch for more than twenty years, and as a result, my cousin gave me my father’s phone number the next day!
The thought of facing a father I hadn’t seen for so many years made me feel really apprehensive. I vividly remember the afternoon I got the phone, I steamed a pound and a half of English bread crab and ate it for two hours. It was almost 9 p.m. when I realized I couldn’t delay any longer, and the night was over without calling. Now that you’ve decided, let’s act. I dialed the phone, but the other person answered without speaking. I swallowed my saliva and boldly asked, “Is it, Mr. Zhu?” “Yes, who are you?” “I am your daughter.”
I felt his surprise, and he asked again and again: “How do you know my phone number?” “I didn’t answer a lot of calls from Beijing before, did you call?” “Do you want to meet?” “Have you encountered any difficulties? What difficulties do you have to say?
Tears had long flowed down my face, and I felt a piercing pain when I heard the long-lost concern. “If you care so much, why haven’t you contacted me for so many years?” I held back this sentence and did not ask. God, how can I forgive this father who has been gone for so long? I didn’t even have the strength to call him “Daddy,” and I was reluctant. When I hung up, he said to keep in touch and asked me, “Can I call you if I have any questions?” I said, “Yes.” “What a tough start! But I also knew very well that God was setting me free, because “though you weep overnight, you will rejoice in the morning.” The night after the call, I fell asleep praying on the couch in tears.
The next day, I went to school as usual, and during my lunch break, I went to a nearby coffee shop with my colleagues to eat. After sitting down, I began to write my doubts about last night’s call on my prayer note: Why did he get the call and ask me how to find his phone number? Does he really miss me? Will he really meet me? He is afraid that I have some plans for him and hatred for him… As he wrote, tears wet his eyes again. Suddenly, my phone rang, and in tears, I saw that it was my father’s call, so I answered it.
He eagerly asked a series of questions: “I’ll bear to wait until my lunch break to call you.” You called yesterday and I was terrified and didn’t know what happened to you. Is your job okay? Do you like your current job? What exactly do you do? We talked for about 30 minutes, and the doubts we had just written down were answered one by one in this call. I knew God was guiding me and thankful for the abundant grace He had prepared. At this point, I also realized that I had to look inside myself and allow myself to be healed. Hanging up the phone, I couldn’t help but cry, and the tissues on the table became a hill. The colleagues next to me even wondered if I was fired from school, the blow was so big.
Those who are familiar with this place know that the customers in the store are all school teachers and foreigners from the neighborhood, and few strangers come. Just as I was crying uncontrollably, an old mother dressed in simple clothes came to me and asked me if I had a cold and if I wanted to go to the hospital. Since I couldn’t help crying, I begged God to help me find a hitchhiker to take me home, and sure enough, 3 minutes later I got on a hitchhiker with Tianjin license plates. I was finally alone, and in the car I let myself cry as much as Joseph had seen his brothers, and the cry shook the whole city of Egypt.
03. My father looked at me and was so surprised that his jaw was about to drop
Slowly, the thought of seeing my father became stronger and stronger. Once, during a time of praise, I prayed that God would stir my father’s heart so that he could reach out to me. I looked down, tears fell on my phone, and a text message from my father came into view: “Let’s keep in touch, tell me if you have any difficulties!” I knew God was directing me to forgive, so I replied, “I contacted you because I wanted to tell you that I forgave you for your absence in my life.” You don’t have to be burdened. I don’t blame you for what you did to me, I want to meet you. ”
Later, I sent him two long messages, telling him about my life in the past twenty years, where I went to school and worked in those days without him, all my thoughts, resentments, and the hatred of boys that came with it. At the same time, I also expressed that I did not want to intervene in his life, let alone need his financial support. I also told the truth about the reason for contacting him, how I knew God and how God led me to forgive. Because God has placed me under His wings and regarded me as a pupil in His eyes, I know that my heavenly father loves me and wants me to be a better version of myself, so I can forgive my earthly father without being afraid to pursue the shortcomings of the earth.
After reading my message, my father replied that he felt very guilty and uncomfortable. He was going to book a hotel and ask me to meet his family and children. Considering my current capacity, I refused. I said I only wanted to see him alone for now. We met at a Starbucks.
I went to my appointment that day as scheduled, and when I entered the house, I ordered a matcha latte at the front desk. He happened to walk in and ask if this was Starbucks, but he didn’t know that it was the person he was looking for standing next to him. As soon as he spoke, I recognized him from his voice. I didn’t speak, trying to see if he could recognize me. It’s a pity he didn’t. He turned around and wanted to go to the second floor to confirm the address. Seeing that he was about to walk away from me, I stepped forward and said, “Are you looking for me?” He looked at me, his jaw almost dropping. After all, I haven’t seen it for more than twenty years, so it’s normal to be surprised. Although I recognized him, I was also surprised. In my mind, he looked like he was in his thirties, and now he is almost sixty and has naturally aged a lot.
We sat down and he said I had eyes like him and a chin like Mom. Faced with this father who gave birth to me but did not raise me, who once made me miss, wait, and hate, I endured tears to make myself strong. I don’t know what it means to such an old man to have such a heavy hatred in my heart. I simply treated him as a familiar but strange adult, asking him questions he hadn’t asked in more than twenty years but wanted answers. The two of them talked like this for about three hours, and much of the sadness and sadness of the past was relieved, and I seemed to understand better the feelings of Joseph and his brothers when they met at the same table, it turned out that forgiveness can make people so easy!
04. God is the answer to everything
It is said that time is good medicine, but now I want to say that God alone is the answer to everything. Thank God for choosing me to be His daughter, teaching me the truth, giving me love and tenderness, and leading me to reconciliation with my earthly father.
In the face of this father, who had been absent from my life for 26 years, all the bitterness and sorrow began to fade, and forgiveness set me free. Through Him, we have entered by faith into the grace in which we stand now, and rejoice in the glory of God. Not only that but also rejoice in the midst of affliction. For we know that adversity breeds patience, patience breeds sophistication, and sophistication breeds hope; There is no shame in hope because the Holy Spirit who has been given to us pours out God’s love into our hearts. ”
Just as God’s love poured out on me, I was satisfied, and “a river of living water flowed out of my belly.” I couldn’t help but want my father to know God and pray for Him so that he could have eternal hope and happiness. “Only Christ died for us while we were still sinners, and God’s love was revealed to us here.” “But there you will seek the Lord your God. When you seek Him with all your heart, you will find it. ”
Because of God’s love, the earthly father’s abandonment no longer matters. Through all this, I knew that God had saved me from my misery. May God use my sharing to help you who are going through similar experiences, wash your tears, and connect with the living waters of God’s love.
见证篇177.我竟…
13岁父亲车祸去世，我都没来得及跟他告别，更没来得及问他是不是爱我。大一，我双腿股骨头坏死，大三又被检查出红斑狼疮，那天我妈差点哭晕在医院。“我可能要坐轮椅，我可能无法生小孩，我可能会突然病发死去 ”他说：“是神把那份爱你的心放在我里面。”
13岁那年，父亲突然车祸去世，我都没来得及跟他告别，更没来得及问他，是不是爱我。从小我就是父亲全部的希望，他对我非常严格。每天早上五点，我就被拉起床锻炼、学习。除了看新闻联播以外，其余时间都在学习。如果不服从，就会被打或者罚跪阳台。记忆里，我从没有体验过父爱的温暖。亲友们将父亲的离世归咎于我，说我克死了父亲。为什么是我？我感觉被父亲遗弃了，心里对父亲有一种强烈的愤怒。爱恨交织的复杂心情贯穿了我的整个青春期。
为什么是我？
与父亲过世同时，母亲的单位破产。母亲受到打击，两年之久每天以泪洗面。她没日没夜工作，用非常微薄的收入供我读书。而我与母亲之间的关系却很疏离，每天不过是一两句无关痛痒的问候。
我只能靠自己努力改变命运。几年后，我考上了大学，命运却和我开了一个无情的玩笑。刚读大一，我因为皮肤过敏服用了一种叫“类固醇”的激素，结果导致双腿股骨头坏死。医生说，如果不做手术，我将无法走路。没想到的是，手术失败了，即使后续又做了5次手术补救，也未能改善。为什么是我？那一年，我18岁。
活蹦乱跳进大学，如今只能坐着轮椅穿梭在校园，我心里再次充满愤怒、羞愧和无力。我本想放弃念下去，母亲却异常坚定，说宁肯背着我也要支持我读完。就这样，我在轮椅和母亲的背上，继续我的大学。为了不辜负母亲的每一滴汗水，我的成绩常年排名第一，得到学校的各种奖学金。那时，我相信可以依靠努力学习改变命运。大三那年，我又被查出患有红斑狼疮。那天我妈差点哭晕在医院。这种病是全身免疫系统的病，会破坏全身器官甚至危及生命，至今无法彻底治愈。治疗主要靠激素，但副作用很多，除了容易导致肥胖以外，还可能带来糖尿病、股骨头坏死、癌症等。医生说：“股骨头坏死和红斑狼疮本来就是两种对立的治疗，不吃激素的话就是等死，吃激素的话就会加重股骨头坏死。”在挣扎和等待的过程中，我的身体指标越发恶化，甚至有生命危险。医生果断给我用大剂量的激素冲击治疗，配上化疗药物。
我的身体变得臃肿不堪，脸严重变形，头发脱落到只剩下很少一撮。治疗不仅改变了我的容貌，股骨头也越来越疼痛。住在医院里的我，每天都想着如何结束自己的生命。这个病让我活得毫无尊严。我不知道，为什么还是我？
一次机缘巧合，省内一家媒体报道了我的事，没想到随即吸引了国内各大媒体的注意。媒体把我塑造成正面乐观的形象，可那时候我心里充满了无价值感，常常想自杀。无论我看上去多么坚强，我依靠的只是自己那股蛮劲。在疾病面前，我的内心其实不堪一击，坚强只是伪装。
这群医生怎么了？
有基督徒读了报道后来看我。我第一次听到了福音。作为无神论者，我感到他们简直不可理喻。基督徒就像一群想象力超强的疯子，每天叽叽喳喳地给我洗脑。其实我心底最不能接受的是——如果神存在，为什么会让苦难发生？为什么不来医治我？
后来，我得知我的一位骨科医生竟然也是基督徒。他邀请我参加医生团契和音乐赞美会，因为不好意思拒绝，我就勉为其难地去了。没想到，见到的是一群高学历高职称，却非常温和的知识分子。那时的我，每一次出现在聚会中，就是为了用搜集来的神不存在的证据和他们论战。他们耐心听我的看法，却不与我争论，更多的是关心我，这使我非常震撼——到底是什么力量，使他们的内心如此柔和？
为了驳倒他们，我阅读大量的历史和考古文献。我惊奇地发现，确实有很多证据证明耶稣的存在。哪怕是那些不信神的学者，也不轻易否认耶稣的真实性，这让我的兴趣更大了。我告诉自己，阅读圣经只是为了做研究。但有许多次，我被耶稣的话触动。我不禁思索：耶稣真的存在吗？
我一面难以相信有神，一面每每在读了圣经后，内心感到一股说不出的平安。我内心挣扎剧烈。为了逃避这种矛盾的撕裂，我索性不读圣经了。可当我不读却失眠了，整夜整夜失眠。
一个月以后，我终于忍受不了了。我说：“耶稣，如果你真的存在，请告诉我，让我死也死得明白。”我重新拿起圣经，刚好翻到《约翰福音》6章，耶稣说：“我就是生命的粮。到我这里来的，必定不饿；信我的，永远不渴。只是我对你们说过，你们已经看见我，还是不信。”我心里一惊，赶紧跪下来祷告：“神啊，你真的是神。是先前的悖逆和骄傲拦阻我接受你。”我拿起弟兄姐妹送的小册子，跟着里面的格式自己做了决志祷告。我把自己的经历告诉妈妈，一个星期后，妈妈也决定相信耶稣。
一信主，神就送我一个大礼包。如果我要站起来走路，必须要做手术，但是我的骨头已经完全坏死，无法再使用。有一天，我的基督徒医生突然给我一个电话，有个外国专家来医院做示范手术，只有一个名额，问我是否愿意。我当时豁出去了，就答应了。
手术那天，我听到钻头钻进我骨头的声音、锤子敲打骨头的声音，我却无比平安。我感到耶稣就站在手术台旁边，告诉我不要害怕。这次手术成功地帮助我脱离轮椅，重新站起来。
我听到心碎掉的声音
还在慕道阶段时，神给了我一个感动：“你要来服侍我。”我当时的反应是：“不会吧，病成这个样子，怎么侍奉！”自从2011年3月受洗后，有一股强大的力量吸引我不断追求更多认识神。课余时间我都用来读经、听道，阅读灵修书籍。看边云波弟兄的《献给无名的传道人》，我的眼泪止不住地流，不明白为什么内心有一股强烈的燃烧感。
2012年5月，带领我的导师来探访，鼓励我参与教会的侍奉。她说：“很多人坐轮椅也照样侍奉，你可以通过网络神学院装备自己。”虽然当时的我已经逐步脱离轮椅，但仍需要双拐行走。我担心自己的身体不允许，就没有回应她。
当时的我，内心还有一种渴望没有被满足——爱情。从小缺乏父爱，我依然希望透过爱情来填满心里的空洞。
2012年8月，我恋爱了。我希望对方也有侍奉神的心志，却发现他有点心不在焉。三年的恋爱里，心灵的对话少之又少，我企图改变他，心想只要不停祷告和忍耐等候，他就会成长。事实上，当时我已经把太多精力放在了爱情上。2015年新年，距离我们计划的婚期还有两个月，对方突然用了三条短信和我分手。原来由始至终，他与父母都无法接纳我的身体情况。那一刻我全身颤抖，几乎听到自己的心碎掉的声音。我忽然听到另一个声音：“我要翻转你的生命。”但我什么都不想理会，我感觉自己的心被撕开被踩碎。我无比厌弃自己，恨恶对方。我想不通，为什么总是我？
牧者对我说：“神给你的功课很难。因为上帝很爱你，为了锻造你的生命，扩张你的境界。”我感到心在滴血，生不如死。我已经把对方看成了唯一能满足我对爱渴求的人。我把我的价值和身份认同完全建立在人的身上。一旦对方抛弃我，而且以嫌弃我身体为理由抛弃我的时候，我就像被践踏在泥里的草，没有存在的意义。
神让我重新面对：我是谁？我为什么要信？我为谁而活？如果亲人、健康、爱情这些我看为至宝的东西都被拿走，我还相信神的良善和信实吗？没有了这些宝贝，才经历到和神之间纯粹的关系。我确定，我所有的好处都不在神以外，离开了神，我什么都不能做。每一夜，我只能哭着跪着求大能的神医治我，祈求圣灵用说不出的祷告安慰我。期间我经历了三次崩溃，每次都像死了一样。爬起来时，我慢慢体会到世上的一切都黯淡无光，主耶稣才是真的宝贝。
半年以后，我从失恋的伤痛中恢复。神帮助我不仅饶恕了对方，还甘愿为对方的生命祷告。神真的扩张了我的境界，翻转了我，把我从十多年来的自卑、无价值、害怕被抛弃中带出来。
你要对得起你受的苦难
一天走在路上，我心里忽然浮现出自己的经历：爸爸去世，和妈妈相依为命；身患两种无法医治的重病；身体刚好转又在谈婚论嫁时被分手。我还是忍不住问，为什么是我？这次神当即给了我一句话：“你要对得起你受的苦难。”回想这么多年神给我的恩典，回想我对神的亏欠，我把神的呼召置之不理. 顿时内心非常羞愧，哭得稀里哗啦。
我作了一个祷告，求主亲自引导我去到祂呼召的禾场。一个月后，神回应了我的祷告：一个机构邀请我参与大学生事工。2015年7月，我正式开始了服侍。
通过助学的方式，我接触到这些在名校读书的学生。他们非常努力却不知道目的；灵魂破碎，遭遇各异；有的家境贫穷，有的家庭残缺，有的家人重病；心里自卑，缺乏安全感，不愿敞开，需要长期陪伴建立关系。我在他们身上看到自己的影子，也发现我过去的经历让我很能明白他们。学生很容易信任我，和我分享他们的经历，很多人在我面前痛哭。我常与他们一同哭泣，同得安慰。
从定期的聚会到私下探访，传福音、初信栽培、门训 .每天结束，我心里都充满喜乐。这是过去任何工作都不能给我的满足感。越服侍，我越感受对学生沉甸甸的负担。有些学生常年累月封闭自己，突然有一天他们开始主动关心身边的人，懂得发自内心的感恩……他们生命的一点点转变都会让我欢呼雀跃。当有人远离神，我也由衷心痛。
有时当我的好意遇到冰冷甚至更糟的回应，虽然我很难过，但也因此懂得了耶稣的心：祂也曾被世人弃绝，祂的爱也曾被践踏。当我回到主那里，我的心大得安慰，因为我看到过去的自己也曾如此拒绝耶稣，但神却无条件地接纳和赦免我。我从来没想过软弱的我可以如此服侍。
我感谢神，原来地上父亲的离世，让我可以紧紧抓住天父的爱；病痛中的绝望让我意识到自己的骄傲与无能，愿意放下自己；恋爱中的失败，让我经历到神的无可代替。多年前我那么多个“为什么是我”的追问，原以为是神苦待我，如今却发现神要借着患难生出的忍耐和盼望，让我可以安慰其他人。
神把爱你的心放在我里面
随着年龄渐长，我开始为自己的婚姻祷告。有过之前的经历，我很悲观。我求神帮我理性对待感情。
我为自己未来的配偶列了一个清单：他要很有信心；乐意侍奉，虽不一定全职，但支持我全职，并且和我一起侍奉；他懂得欣赏神透过我软弱的身体彰显出来的神的荣美，赞叹神在我生命中的恩典和大能，愿意与我经历风雨和冠冕；有双方父母的祝福……我把清单发给我的好姐妹，请她提醒我不要随便把心给出去。
我知道我的情况进入婚姻太难。每当软弱时我就呼求神：“我的身体状况是你允许发生在我身上、成为我生命一部分的，在你有医治的大能，你允许这样的情况，相信有特别的心意。求你不要让身体的残缺拦阻我进入一段关系，更不要拦阻我继续服侍你。”
刚信主不久，我就关注了《境界》，是《境界》的老粉。那时我刚好读到力克胡哲的分享，他说：“我当时确实轻看了自己，更可怕的是，我也轻看了神，轻看了他给两个人长久相爱的礼物。如果你也曾经像我一样苦苦等待神赐下人来爱你，我不希望你也犯同样的错误。也许你已经知道，神带给我一个不可思议的良人，她对我的爱之深，每天都让我感到惊讶。如果你想得到爱情就永远不要放弃，因为神把这个愿望摆在你心里是有原因的。”这鼓励我继续为自己的婚姻祷告。
2017年我在一个营会上认识了我现在的丈夫。当时并未留意，后来有机会一起侍奉，我才被他那股单纯信靠的“傻”劲吸引。他在国外长大，是名校的学霸，后来却得了抑郁症，在黑暗中被主得着。信主后，他一直对中国有负担，博士毕业后放弃了很好的机会来到中国。当时，他还不知道自己要去哪个城市，“神让我来，我就来了”。
随着彼此了解增多，恐惧再次涌上心头。我很怕旧事重演，所以诚实说出我的身体情况以及未来的风险：“我可能会坐轮椅，可能无法生育，可能突然病发死去……”听完我的话，他说想慎重祷告一下。
我向神求两个印证，第一个，如果是出于神，求神让他不单单是接纳我，而是能透过我身体的软弱看到神的大能；超越我的残缺而看到我内里的美好；第二个，是他的父母能接纳我。我知道我信心不足，总要看到实质东西才愿意踏出去。但神偏偏要在这方面修剪我。神了解我的品性，整整三个月里，无论是个人灵修还是主日讲道，都是围绕着“信心”的主题。
有一天，他约我出来，支支吾吾说了一堆话。两个小时后我才反应过来，原来他在对我表白。离开前，他告诉我，除非神让他放手，不然他是不会放弃的。他确实担心过，身边的属灵长辈也让他慎重，但他看到我透过身体的软弱经历到神的大能，欣赏我在这么多挫败后依然有对神的笃定。他跟父母如实说明了情况，父母尊重并支持他的决定。
我们开始小心翼翼地交往，每次见面时，我都向神祷告，求神帮助我们更多敞开自己，哪怕是脆弱不堪的自己，帮助我们彼此认识更全面。我发现，原来他的品格正符合我当年写下的择偶清单！神所赐的超出我的所求所想。我们过去各自的经历，磨得我们不敢为自己夸口，所以不会吵得你死我活。当然，圣灵所赐的温柔与自省，也让我们看见各自生命的缺口和罪性，而不是一味指责对方。
刚刚步入婚姻的我，忍不住几次问他：“我是一个一无所有的人，你为什么这么爱我呢？”他的回答都是一样：“因为是神把那份爱你的心放在我里面。”
Testimoni…
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When my father died in a car accident when I was 13, I didn’t even have time to say goodbye to him, let alone ask him if he loved me. In my freshman year, I had necrosis of the femoral head in both legs, and in my junior year, I was tested for lupus erythematosus, and my mother almost cried and fainted in the hospital that day. “I may have to be in a wheelchair, I may not be able to have children, I may suddenly become ill and die.” He said, “God put that love for you in me.” ”
When I was 13 years old, my father died in a sudden car accident, and I didn’t even have time to say goodbye to him, let alone ask him if he loved me.Since I was a child, I was all hope for my father, and he was very strict with me. Every morning at five o’clock, I was pulled up to exercise and study. Except for watching the news feed, I spent the rest of the time studying. If you do not comply, you will be beaten or punished on the balcony. In my memory, I have never experienced the warmth of my father’s love.Relatives and friends blamed me for my father’s death, saying that I had killed my father. Why me? I felt abandoned by my father, and I felt a strong anger towards my father. A mixed mix of love-hate emotions continued throughout my adolescence.
Why me?
At the same time as his father’s death, his mother’s unit went bankrupt. My mother was hit and washed her face with tears every day for two years. She worked day and night and provided for my education with a very small income. My relationship with my mother was very distant, and every day it was just one or two innocuous greetings.
I can only change my destiny on my own. A few years later, I was admitted to college, but fate played a merciless joke on me. As a freshman, I took a hormone called “steroid” because of my skin allergy, which resulted in necrosis of the femoral head in both legs. The doctor said that without surgery, I would not be able to walk. Unexpectedly, the operation failed, and even if 5 more surgical remedies were performed, it did not improve. Why me? That year, I was 18 years old.
Jumping into college alive, and now only in a wheelchair to travel around campus, my heart was once again filled with anger, shame, and powerlessness. I wanted to give up reading it, but my mother was very firm, saying that she would rather carry me behind my back to support me to finish reading. And just like that, I was in a wheelchair and on my mother’s back, continuing my college. In order to live up to every drop of my mother’s sweat, my grades ranked first all year round and I received various scholarships from the school. At that time, I believed that I could change my destiny by studying hard.In my junior year, I was found to have lupus erythematosus again. My mom almost cried in the hospital that day. This disease is a disease of the systemic immune system, which can destroy the organs of the whole body and even endanger life, and it has not been completely cured. Treatment mainly relies on hormones, but there are many side effects, in addition to easily leading to obesity, it may also bring diabetes, osteonecrosis of the femoral head, cancer, etc.The doctor said: “Osteonecrosis of the femoral head and lupus erythematosus are originally two opposing treatments, if you do not eat hormones, you are waiting for death, and if you eat hormones, it will aggravate the necrosis of the femoral head.” “In the process of struggling and waiting, my physical indicators deteriorated more and more, and even put my life in danger. The doctor decisively gave me a large dose of hormonal shock treatment, accompanied by chemotherapy drugs.
My body became bloated, my face was badly deformed, and my hair fell out to a very small pinch left. Not only did the treatment change my appearance, but the femoral head was also becoming more and more painful. Living in the hospital, I thought every day about how to end my life. This disease made me live without dignity. I don’t know, why or me?
By chance, the media in the province reported my incident, but I didn’t expect to attract the attention of major domestic media. The media portrayed me as a positive and optimistic image, but at that time I was full of feelings of worthlessness and often wanted to commit suicide. No matter how strong I seem, I only rely on my own brute strength. In the face of disease, my heart is actually vulnerable, and being strong is just a disguise.
What happened to this group of doctors?
Some Christians read the report and came to see me. I heard the gospel for the first time. As an atheist, I find them incomprehensible. Christians are like a bunch of crazy people with super imaginations who Twitter me every day. In fact, the most unacceptable thing in my heart is – if God exists, why does suffering occur? Why not come and heal me?
Later, I learned that one of my orthopedic surgeons turned out to be a Christian as well. He invited me to a doctor’s fellowship and musical praise, but I reluctantly went because I was embarrassed to refuse. Unexpectedly, I saw a group of intellectuals with high education and high professional titles, but very mild. At that time, every time I appeared at a meeting, I was trying to argue with them with the evidence that God did not exist. They patiently listened to my opinions, but did not argue with me, but cared more about me, which shocked me very much – what is the power that makes their hearts so soft?
To refute them, I read a lot of historical and archaeological documents. I was amazed to find that there was indeed so much evidence for the existence of Jesus. Even non-believers do not easily deny the authenticity of Jesus, which interests me even more. I told myself that reading the Bible was just for research. But many times, I was touched by Jesus’ words. I wondered: Did Jesus really exist?
While I couldn’t believe in God, I felt an indescribable peace in my heart every time I read the Bible. I struggled inwardly. In order to escape this torn of contradiction, I simply stopped reading the Bible. But when I didn’t read, I lost sleep, all night long.
After a month, I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I said, “Jesus if you really exist, tell me and let me die with understanding.” I picked up the Bible again, and just in John 6, Jesus said, “I am the bread of life.” Whoever comes to me will not be hungry; He who believes in me is never thirsty. But I told you that you have seen me and still do not believe me. I was shocked and quickly knelt down and prayed, “God, you really are God.” It is the previous disobedience and pride that prevent me from accepting you. I picked up the pamphlet that my brothers and sisters had given me and followed the format inside and prayed my own resolution. I told my mom about my experience, and a week later, she also decided to believe in Jesus.
As soon as I came to Christ, God gave me a big package. If I had to stand up and walk, I had to do surgery, but my bones were completely dead and could no longer be used. One day, my Christian doctor suddenly called me and a foreign specialist came to the hospital to perform a demonstration operation, and there was only one place, asking if I would like to. I was open and said yes.
On the day of the operation, I heard the sound of drills digging into my bones, and hammers hitting my bones, but I was safe. I felt Jesus standing right next to the operating table and telling me not to be afraid. The surgery successfully helped me get out of my wheelchair and get back on my feet.
I heard the sound of a broken heart
While still in the catechumenate stage, God gave me a touch: “You are coming to serve me.” My reaction was, “No, it’s sick like this, how to serve!” “Since my baptism in March 2011, there has been a powerful force that has drawn me to seek to know more about God. In my spare time, I spend my spare time reading the Bible, listening to sermons, and reading devotional books. Reading Brother Bian Yunbo’s “To the Nameless Preacher”, my tears couldn’t stop flowing, and I didn’t understand why there was a strong burning feeling in my heart.
In May 2012, I led my mentor to visit me and encouraged me to participate in church service. “A lot of people serve in wheelchairs, and you can equip yourself with online seminaries,” she said. “Although I was gradually out of my wheelchair at that time, I still had to walk on crutches. I was afraid that my body would not allow it, so I did not respond to her.
At that time, there was still a longing in my heart that was not satisfied – love. Since I was a child, I lacked my father’s love, and I still hope to fill the hole in my heart through love.
In August 2012, I fell in love. I hope that the other person also has the desire to serve God, but I find that he is a little absent-minded. In three years of love, there was very little dialogue between hearts, and I tried to change him, thinking that if I kept praying and waiting patiently, he would grow. In fact, I was already putting too much energy into love at the time.On New Year’s Day 2015, two months before our planned wedding date, the other party suddenly broke up with me with three text messages. It turned out that from beginning to end, neither he nor his parents could accept my physical condition. At that moment my whole body trembled, and I almost heard the sound of my own heart breaking. I suddenly heard another voice: “I want to turn your life upside down.” “But I didn’t want to pay attention to anything, I felt like my heart was being torn apart and trampled on. I hated myself and hated each other. I can’t figure it out, why is it always me?
The pastor said to me, “God’s homework for you is hard. Because God loves you very much, in order to forge your life and expand your realm. “I felt my heart dripping blood, and it was better to live than to die. I’ve come to see the other person as the only person who can satisfy my thirst for love. I base my worth and identity entirely on people. Once the other party abandons me and abandons me on the grounds of disgust for my body, I am like grass trampled in the mud, and there is no meaning in existence.
God made me face again: Who am I? Why should I believe? Who do I live for? If my relatives, health, and love, which I consider most treasured, are taken away, do I still believe in God’s goodness and faithfulness? Without these treasures, a pure relationship with God is experienced. I am sure that all my good is outside of God, and without God, I can do nothing. Every night, I could only cry and kneel and ask the mighty God to heal me, asking the Holy Spirit to comfort me with unspoken prayers. I experienced three crashes during this time, and each time it was like death. When I got up, I slowly realized that everything in the world was bleak, and the Lord Jesus was the real baby.
Six months later, I recovered from the pain of falling out of love. God helped me not only to forgive the other person but also to pray for the other person’s life. God really expanded my realm, turned me upside down, and brought me out of more than a decade of inferiority, worthlessness, and fear of abandonment.
You are to be worthy of your suffering
One day walking on the road, my own experience suddenly appeared in my heart: my father died, and I depended on my mother for life; suffering from two serious illnesses that cannot be treated; Just after the body improved, he was broken up when he was talking about marriage. I still can’t help but ask, why me? This time God immediately gave me a message: “Be worthy of your suffering.” “Thinking back to the grace God has given me over the years, and thinking back to what I owe to God, I have ignored God’s call. Suddenly, I was very ashamed and cried.
I prayed that the Lord Himself would guide me to the field of His calling. A month later, God answered my prayer: an organization invited me to participate in college student ministry. In July 2015, I officially started serving.
Through financial aid, I came into contact with these students who are studying at prestigious schools. They work very hard without knowing the purpose; their Souls are broken, encounters are different; Some families are poor, some families are crippled, and some family members are seriously ill; Low self-esteem, insecurity, unwillingness to open up, need long-term companionship to build relationships. I see myself in them, and I find that my past experiences have made me understand them very well. Students easily trusted me and shared their experiences with me, and many cried in front of me. I often wept with them and found comfort together.
From regular meetings to private visits, evangelism, first faith cultivation, discipleship… At the end of each day, my heart is filled with joy. This is a satisfaction that no job has given me in the past. The more I serve, the more I feel the heavy burden on my students. Some students have been closing themselves off for many years, and suddenly one day they began to take the initiative to care about the people around them and know how to be grateful from the bottom of their hearts… The slightest change in their lives makes me cheer. When someone turns away from God, I also feel heartache.
Sometimes when my good intentions met with cold or even worse responses, although I was sad, I also understood the heart of Jesus: He was rejected by the world, and His love was trampled on. When I returned to the Lord, my heart was greatly comforted because I saw that my past self had rejected Jesus in this way, but God had accepted and forgiven me unconditionally. I never thought I could serve so much when I was weak.
I thank God that the death of my earthly father allowed me to hold on to the love of my heavenly father; The despair in the pain made me realize my pride and incompetence, and was willing to let go of myself; Failure in love made me experience God’s irreplaceability. Years ago, I asked so many “why me” questions, thinking that God was suffering me, but now I find that God wants to use the patience and hope that afflictions give me so that I can comfort others.
God has placed in me the heart that loves you
As I got older, I began to pray for my marriage. Having had previous experiences, I was pessimistic. I asked God to help me deal rationally with my feelings.
I made a list for my future spouse: he should be very confident; Willing to serve, although not necessarily full-time, but support me full-time and serve with me; He knows how to appreciate the beauty of God through my weak body, admires God’s grace and power in my life, and is willing to go through storms and crowns with me; With the blessings of both parents. I sent the list to my good sister and asked her to remind me not to give my heart away.
I knew my situation was too hard to get into marriage. Whenever I was weak, I cried out to God: “My physical condition is something that you have allowed to happen to me and become a part of my life, and in your healing power, you allow such a situation, believing that there is a special intention.” Please don’t let my physical disability prevent me from entering a relationship, let alone from continuing to serve you. ”
Not long after I came to Christ, I paid attention to “Realm” and was an old fan of “Realm”. At that time, I happened to read Nick Hochul sharing, he said: “I really looked down on myself at that time, and what is even more frightening is that I also underestimated God and the gift he gave to two people who have loved each other for a long time.” If you’ve ever waited for God to send someone to love you, as I did, I don’t want you to make the same mistake. As you may already know, God has brought me an incredibly good person, and the depth of her love for me amazes me every day. Never give up if you want love, because God has this desire in your heart for a reason. “This encouraged me to continue praying for my marriage.
I met my current husband at a camp in 2017. I didn’t notice it at the time, but when I had the opportunity to serve together, I was attracted by his “silly” energy of simple trust. He grew up abroad and was a top student in a prestigious school, but later suffered from depression and was won by the Lord in the dark. After he came to Christ, he has always been a burden to China, and after graduating with a doctorate, he gave up a good opportunity to come to China. At the time, he didn’t know which city he was going to, “God asked me to come, and I came.”
As we got to know each other better, fear came back to mind. I was afraid of repeating the past, so I was honest about my physical condition and the risks ahead: “I may be in a wheelchair, I may not be able to give birth, I may suddenly die of illness…” After listening to my words, he said that he wanted to pray carefully.
I asked God for two confirmations, the first, if it was from God, asked God not only to accept me, but to see God’s power through the weakness of my body; Beyond my incompleteness, and see the beauty within me; The second is that his parents can accept me. I know that I don’t have enough confidence and always have to see something tangible before I want to step out. But God wants to prune me in this regard. God knew my character, and for three months, both in personal devotion and Sunday sermons, revolved around the theme of “faith.”
One day, he asked me out and said a bunch of things. It took me two hours to react, and it turned out that he was confessing to me. Before leaving, he told me that he would not give up unless God told him to let go. He was indeed worried, and the spiritual elders around him also made him cautious, but he saw me experience God’s power through physical weakness, and appreciated my determination in God even after so many setbacks. He told his parents the truth, and they respected and supported his decision.
We began to relate carefully, and every time we met, I prayed to God to help us open up more about ourselves, even our fragile selves, and help us get to know each other more fully. I found that his character matched the list of mates I had written down back then! God has given more than I ask or think. Our respective experiences in the past are so worn that we dare not boast for ourselves, so we will not quarrel with you to death. Of course, the gentleness and introspection of the Holy Spirit also allow us to see the gaps and sinful nature of each other’s lives, rather than blindly accusing each other.
Having just entered marriage, I couldn’t help but ask him several times: “I am a person who has nothing, why do you love me so much?” His answer was the same: “Because God has put in me the heart that loves you.” ”
见证篇176.我交…
《叛教者》生產之痛
小說以二十年代在上海由中國人自己成立的地方教會為背景，寫一群基督徒經歷抗戰、解放和三反五反等各種運動，因著不同的選擇而有了不同的人生。
這群不問政治、遠離世俗的信徒，在社會大動盪中，對帶領人從崇拜到震驚、憤怒，導致信仰崩潰和人生逆轉。然而，真實的盼望卻在拆毀後又被奇妙地重建。
一 等著
冬季是洛杉磯的雨季。但今年，雨一直沒能落得下來。植物和人，都等著；空氣和地，也等著
這是《叛教者》小說自序中的第一句話。當《恩福》雜誌讓我談談這本書的誕生經過時，我看著開頭的這一句話，再次流下了眼淚等著
我從歸信上帝後，似乎總是在“等著”。寫《叛教者》和我之前的寫作最大的不同，也是“等著”。
1999年的復活節我受洗歸信基督。那時我所在的教會有“小群”背景，初信的我卻並不瞭解。誠實地說，在那個教會中我流了許多眼淚；但離開後卻發現，那些日子給我的新生命打下比較紮實的基礎，經歷“破碎”帶給我的祝福，遠遠大於虧損。
1999年底，在達拉斯的跨年禱告會中，趙天恩和滕近輝等老一代牧者關心我，為我按手禱告。結束那天，趙牧師突然在會上提我名說：你是個詩人，要為中國教會寫史詩。他還說了許多，我記不清，但這句話卻扎進我的心底。我當時想，他也就是一時激動之語，真正現代的所謂“史詩”，可不是一首長詩那麼簡單。
這個呼召我有意識地忘了，它卻總是時時隱隱刺痛我，特別是每當我讀到老基督徒的見證，或是在採訪中面對那個時代的掙扎與眼淚。我常在深夜問自己：難道能讓這些鮮活的生命就這樣沉默在塵土中嗎？上帝在這些生命中所做的，不正是要對一代代人說話嗎？
2004年，趙天恩牧師歸天家。我安慰自己，他大概早就忘了對一個小姊妹的這個呼召；但每每有人提到他時，我就心裡忐忑不安，彷彿天父和十字架上耶穌的眼睛總是在看著我；還有許多我採訪過的、為我禱告的、將人生剖在我面前的許多老弟兄老姊妹的目光──他們陸續歸天家了。
但我還是只能等著
因為我不知道從哪裡開始寫？怎麼寫？甚至也懼怕進入這麼龐雜、紛亂、真偽難辨的史料中──我的神學和屬靈體驗能夠理解、剖析這一切嗎？
二 預備
2013年春，我完成了教牧博士學業，研究方向是《舊約聖經文學的漢語處境化研究》。在論文的最後一段，我寫道：“藉助對《聖經》文體和藝術特質的研究，可以為漢語基督教文學創作，提供新的敘事視角和表達方式，讓《聖經》真正成為基督教文學的創作範本，不僅在神學思想上，也在文學形式上？漢語基督教文學在表述的內容和表述的形式都應扎根於《聖經》，從而得著全新的生命力。”
其實這一段文字所表述的，正是我去讀博士的主要目的。夏天參加完畢業典禮，論文由香港浸信會正式出版，我卻知道這只是預備期的結束，是真正征途的開始。
這時我已經基本上明確知道，將以上海的地方教會為材料，描述中國基督徒如何創辦獨立的教會，探索處境化的神學教導、發展教會建構。我希望藉著展示當中一些人的心路歷程和人生故事，來讓讀者和我一起“以人為鏡”、“以史為鑒”，反思個人和教會中存在的問題，深入認識人的罪性和上帝的救恩。
我選擇以小說形式來寫，是為了要讓更多教會以外的人了解基督徒，直面他們的人性、信仰和生活。中國現當代文學界尚沒有一部作品，對這群人作正面、直接的描述，這個缺失理當由基督徒作家去補上。既然要給教外人看，所以我刻意以文學筆法來描述基督教的基本禮儀，如“受洗”、“擘餅”等。
到2014年，我收集的材料基本上都全了，似乎一切都準備好了，但我卻仍只能“等著”。因為這些人物都還在紙上，與我隔著一層紗，我進入不了他們的內心。並且，因著“自愛”、“自憐”，我也懼怕進入他們內心中去。
三 交託
2014年夏，我在新墨西哥州的一次會議中，見到了從上海地方教會出來讀神學院的一個年輕傳道人。會議期間，我連續四個晚上採訪了他；之後，又承蒙他來洛杉磯繼續接受我採訪。透過他身在其中的反思，這些歷史人物終於活生生地出現在我面前。但同時，他們的痛苦、信仰和生命中的矛盾與糾結，也血淋淋地呈現出來。我覺得，這可能是我一生的呼召和使命，所以還是放一放，到老了再寫吧！那時，也許社會、政治、教會各種環境都更好些，我也更成熟些。於是我開筆寫另一本小說。但上帝卻停了我的筆。那年秋天，我們為基督徒文學藝術的核心人士在中國辦了一次退修會，主題是“恐懼”。我是從禱告中確定這個主題的，但當時一點不覺得這與我自己有什麼關係。會中一個個同路人輪流分享，大家懇切彼此代禱。輪到我時，我跪下來，突然就面對了自己裡面巨大的恐懼。這恐懼像一個巨大的黑洞，要把我吞進去。
我那時是《海外校園》的主編，兼教會的傳道人，這樣的身份能投入文學創作嗎？長篇小說的創作，就如同替書中角色活一遍。倘若要寫《叛教者》這小說，我不知道自己在過程中會不會懷疑上帝、懷疑信仰？我能帶著筆下人物進入並走出死蔭幽谷嗎？寫作過程中，我的情緒會起伏很大，我能自控並繼續在教會教導、牧養嗎？若失控，弟兄姊妹們怎麼看？我若一層層剖開人性的真實，會不會“絆倒人”？教會是否會把我開除？
其實，那一刻的恐懼比這些能想到的理由還要大得多，我彷彿要被壓碎。
感謝上帝讓我並非孤單而行。退修會中幾位文學的基督徒同路人以及陪伴我們的牧者，一起為我按手禱告。他們不客氣地指出我的“自愛”，鼓勵我願意被主完全破碎。然後他們又一個個擁抱我，說：無論我在寫作過程中發生什麼問題，將來華人教會如何看待這本書和作者，他們都認我為肢體。
緊接著，在香港一次大會中，我和華人牧者團隊中的幾位理事老友分享了這個異象。幾位牧者也感到這個
寫作任務十分艱巨，他們一同為跪在地上的我按手禱告。他們的禱告也正是我心中的禱告，祈求上帝天父完全掌管，拿去我一切的自主意識，讓天父的意思暢行在我的心中和筆下。我想，如此交託後，就算結果不好，主也紀念，我也可算是為主受苦。若是出於自己，我不僅寫不好，寫出來也承擔不了。
四 禱寫
回到洛杉磯後，我開始寫作。從2014年12月到2015年8月24日完成了27萬字初稿。再用三個月實地核查小說中的故地，重新閱讀相關著作，與見證人和學者、牧師討論，並得到中美各處地方教會牧長們的盡力幫助。2016年1月到4月進行補充和修改，完成32萬字的《叛教者》全稿。
整個寫作過程真是天天經歷神跡！
其一，上帝讓一對來自上海地方教會的母女成為我的鄰居，她倆天天為我寫作禱告。每次要開筆時，我都會微信她們，她們就開始禱告。有時還是寫不出來，她們就會放下一切手中的事，跪下禱告。有時她們因事沒有集中精力禱告，我筆下就不暢了。等我完成當天的寫作，發微信告訴她們，我們才一同輕鬆下來。這真是讓我完全依賴禱告來寫作。不誇張地說，《叛教者》寫作過程中，寫字的時間沒有禱告的時間多。
其二，很多場景，特別是監獄中的事，還有許多生動感人的細節，都是我想像不出來的。聖靈帶領我，多次在凌晨的夢裡進入當天要寫的場景中，像是走進電影中一般。
其三，寫作和修改過程中，天父不斷將相關歷史的研究者、見證人、補充材料等，帶到我面前。
感謝主，在寫作過程中雖然經歷身體和心靈的煎熬，但信仰卻在我心中越來越真實而堅定。一方面我深深感嘆：“若將我扔進那個絞肉機般的時代，我最大的可能就是成為一個叛教者。”另一方面，我又比任何時候都更感恩！“因為知道我所信的是誰，也深信祂能保全我所交付祂的（或作：祂所交托我的），直到那日。”（提摩太後書1:12）
6月底，美國南方出版社簽下合同，7月面市。一個多月來，這本書已經得到基督徒和非基督徒讀者、文學評論家、牧者、歷史學者和社會學者的關注與好評。
我深感自己和書中這群人站在一起，成了一台戲，給世人和天使觀看。瓦器雖然破碎，但裡面的寶貝卻發出了光來。
01.创作的主旨、初衷和目的
《叛教者》这本书的主旨，是揭示出人是各样的不可把握——对环境不可把握，对自己不可把握，甚至对于自己所信的，我们也很难持守，但上帝却是永恒不变的，并且祂的爱也是永恒不变的。这本书我就是想写一群有信仰的人，在这种变幻的历史之中，经历各样的苦难，各样的不能把握，他们和那些没有信仰的人之间有什么不同？因为在中国历史中，特别是近当代历史中，发生了一连串的政治事件。其实所有的动荡，都呈现出人心中的真实、隐恶和软弱。
这时，我们似乎看上帝好像没有做什么，只是默默地旁观我们受苦。当我借着这本书，梳理那个时代的人物和故事，梳理他们在历史中命运的转折变化以及他们最终的结果，我们看到上帝的手，也看到祂的保守和关爱。
在中国历史中，特别是这本书主要描写的三四十年代一直到七十年代，在这个过程中，通过文学也好，通过历史记录也好，我们看到各个人群在现当代历史中的命运。但是，基督徒这群有信仰的人，在这个历史阶段的生命状态是怎样的？他们所经历所遭受的，其实大家都不知道。
换言之，有这么一大群人生活在我们中间，却被历史掩盖了，后人记录的历史中没有这群人！以至于我们以为，中国近当代史里面好像是没有信仰群体的。
但事实上，这样一个族群，他们同样经历了现当代史的整个波澜壮阔的起伏跌宕。我想把他们的生命重新呈现出来。那么，对于非基督徒来说，他们也需要知道这个社会中基督徒的人生是怎样的？或者说，在中华民族经受各样苦难的时候，这群人和其他人一样承受了各样的苦难；而且，在承受苦难的同时，他们承受的撕裂和压力更大。然而，他们对待苦难的态度，以及他们里面那个信仰被重新建立、甚至压碎重塑的过程，是非常有意义的。
另外一点关于我写这本书的初衷是，我是1999年信主的，复活节受洗，1999年底去参加达拉斯的跨年祷告会。在全场祷告的时候，赵天恩牧师突然喊我的名字说：“施玮你来为中国祷告！”那是我第一次在公众面前、在这么大的聚会上带祷告。当时上帝让我看见街上走的那些人、还有公共汽车上那些人的脸……那些脸和灵魂的真实状态深深地印在我的心中。
那次聚会结束时，当时已经是2000年了，赵天恩牧师在台上忽然又说：“施玮，你来为中国教会写史诗。”我当时的理解，史诗就是写一首诗。后来我的确也写了一首组歌，但上帝渐渐就将这个显明了，祂是要我来写中国教会历史中发生的这些事情，要我来写这些用生命、用血来成为种子的信仰者，要我来写这些用生命撒种在那块土地上的殉道者——虽然我用的是“叛教者”这个名字，但每一个因着信仰被压碎，每一个因着信仰而舍己的人，无论是主动舍的还是被动舍的，其实都是殉道者。
另外，书名之所以没有用“殉道者”，我觉得没有一个人是真正自己要殉道的，我们的天性都是“叛教”的，但神拣选我们，使我们成为殉道者。谁能主动来殉道呢？当我们以为自己主动的时候，其实仍然是被动的，我们不过是神手中的器皿。
赵天恩牧师归天家以后，他在台上呼召我的那双眼睛就好像总是在天上看着我。其实我跟赵牧师并没有太多私下的接触，但他那次的呼召就没有离开过我。我总觉得很对不起，因为后来我虽然写了很多东西，做了很多事，但总觉得辜负了刚刚信主时他的呼召。
所以，我就决心来写《叛教者》，目前在写宋尚节，而且我打算一直写下去，以半虚构和非虚构的形式，将中国教会历史中的重大事件和人物，特别是将那一个个基督的生命，呈现出来。这就是我写作的目的。我的目的不为了别的，甚至也不是为了辨别历史中一些事情细节的真伪，而是要我们的生命在基督生命里被成全的真实，这就是我写这本书的初衷。
02.以史为镜、认识自己
但凡是一个人，他内心都会有“宗教情结”。因为人都是由上帝所造的。人不是动物，不是植物；人之所以为人，是因为我们都有良心，而且这个良心来源于灵魂和生命。这个层面其实才是文学要表达的。
今天我们看到很多文学好像只是讲故事，其实如果文学只是表达我们日常生活的一些奇闻异事，哪怕是很美的故事，这样的文学恐怕渐渐会被新闻所代替，或者被童话所代替。真正的文学，是将一群人灵魂深处的撕裂与挣扎、升华与重造展现给人。
因此，看这本书与其说是看一段历史，不如说是看我们自己，正所谓“以史为镜”，这段历史并不遥远，这些人所经历的可能就是我们父母辈所经历的。
那么，看他们的生活有什么意义呢？我觉得，今天我们常说“活在当下”，但我们活在当下的时候，其实我们只活在自己眼睛所见的事物中。我们以为活在当下非常真实，其实，我们甚至不了解当下；甚至可以说，如果没有历史这面镜子，我们都不知道自己真实的生命、真实的灵魂是怎样的。
比如说今天，无论是基督徒，还是非基督徒，我们常会觉得自己好像一切都挺好的，而这段历史，将人内心深处真实的罪性，以及人心中那个无可把控性，呈现给我们。打个比方说，有一瓶水，水里面有很多渣滓，如果水和瓶子都处于静止状态，表面看来水挺清的；但一旦瓶子被摇晃，才看见很多渣滓浮上来。同理，当我们生命中没有经历大的苦难，没有经历摇晃的时候，我们有可能活在一种虚假的认识之中，而一旦我们被摇晃，就看见渣滓。
所以，我们借着看前人的历史，看别人在苦难中的生命，我们不等到自己的生命被摇晃，就先来认识自己。只有认识自己里面的罪性，才会更认识救恩的宝贵，也会更认识到我们自己是有限的，是无法自我拯救的。
03.上帝保守的信仰
小说中的基督徒，弃绝信仰成为“叛教者”是有各种原因的。比如说，这个小说里面有一个弟兄，他当时就是看到一些由外部揭露出来的领袖的问题，也看到一些教会内部彼此互相揭发出来的问题，好像这教会不是那么美啊，这个信仰也不是那么完美……他这时其实仍然不想弃绝这位神，病中的他就跟神有个祷告：“今天晚上，你让我的这个指标降下来，那么，不管外面怎么变化，我都信你。”
我觉得这个祷告我非常能理解——就让我的指标降下来，哪怕之后指标再上去都可以，我要你显给我看！但是第二天他一量，他的指标不降反升，所以他就彻底崩溃。他不是不爱主，也不是说一定要被主医治，他是要神——你按我的方式向我显明一次！
这样的信仰在今天看来是太正常不过的事了，但如果回到圣经来看，主对我们的带领、主对我们祷告的应许就不是按照我们的意思。所以，第二天他发现指标不降反升，他就因此认定没有神。
之后，他妻子和女儿仍然信主，还为他祷告，他就非常恨她们。他经常责骂他们，还打他妻子。他还开始追求“进步”……但是，他毕竟还是个基督徒，所以他在政治上并没有前途，他又自暴自弃：打牌、抽烟、喝酒……到一定程度，他甚至非常厌恶自己。
一方面，他每次看到他的妻子女儿祷告的时候，他就有一个自我责备和连带产生的绝望感。这样熬到一九七几年的时候，大概已经二十年了，那时，他就想结束自己的生命，觉得活着毫无意义。他原来是青岛某银行的一个高管，曾经放弃自己所有的东西，将自己的财产、房子全部捐献给教会。他认为自己捐献那么多，所以上帝就应该对他更好一些。
这种信仰的心态，其实也反映了当下我们对信仰的理解和实践。我们忘记了，我们只是上帝的仆人和使女。
这种情况下，他到七几年时想结束生命。那时，他捐献了自己的房子，他住在上海父母家里，他就想从阳台跳下去。他一只腿跨过阳台栏杆的时候，听到敲门声。他问：“谁呀？”没有声音，他就下来了，去开门，门外没人。他就再要去自杀，又到阳台要跳下去时，又听到敲门声，他去开门，还是没有人。
所以，当他第三次听到敲门声，他说：“谁还敲门啊，我都要死了，不开门了！”这时，他听到耶稣说：“是我。”就这两个字。他说：“我当时就知道是谁的声音！”
这是真实的一个见证，他们回忆的。
当我听到这个见证并写下来时，我非常感动。一个二十年不认主、背叛主的人，仍然能够认得他救主的声音，我觉得这个救恩是有一个确实的把握！我们若是神的羊，就听得见神的声音。所以，他当时听到“是我”，他就知道是主，然后他从阳台栏杆上下来，跪在客厅说：“主，是你？你不是早就走了吗？”主说：“我没有走，我一直在这里。”他就嚎啕痛哭。
当时他跪下来祷告说：“主啊，原来你没有走，你一直在这里！”就这样，他重新回到神的怀里，后来他成为一个传福音非常有能力的人。
我在思想并写作这个小人物的故事的时候，我想到，在这个世界上有多少事是我们有把握的呢？无论是有信仰的还是没有信仰的，我们常常都在一种没有把握之中；但是如果你有真正的信仰，你就知道你的信心和确据，并不在你手中，而是在神的保守之中，就如圣经所说：“因为知道我所信的是谁，也深信他能保全我所交付他的，直到那日。”（参 提摩太后书1:12)
因此，在这个小人物身上我感受到一点——这样由上帝亲自保守的信仰，才是人真正的希望，否则靠我们自己努力修行的，靠我们自己来持守的信仰，其实都是没有把握的，因为我们人都是靠不住的。
基督信仰所讲的不是被动忍耐，而是忍耐生老练，老练生盼望。无论我们怎样得不可靠，上帝的可靠却在我们的生命之中。我相信，这种超越人自我把握、自我控制的一个超越性的恩典和怜悯，是今天的教会、基督徒和所有的人，最需要认识的。因为只有这种超越，可以使我们脱离我们眼见的，脱离我们对自己的那些绝望和困惑，能够转眼仰望耶稣，仰望祂在十字架上所成就的。
耶稣在十字架上成就的是完全的救恩，就是说，我们所有的罪都由祂担当。只要你对这个有信心，你跟祂的生命连结，你就得着。这种超越的信心是这个时代超越宗教、超越文化的一种盼望，这个盼望可以使我们脱离肉体和环境的限制与捆绑。
04《叛教者》背后的故事
在《叛教者》之前，我大概写过三本长篇小说，之前比较多创作的是诗歌、散文等体裁。《叛教者》这本书，开始了我一个全新的写作。因为之前我写的小说，基本上都和自己的生活有关；而关于《叛教者》，起初并没有想过要写这本书。
我是1999年信主以后，深受两个人的影响——宋尚节和倪柝声弟兄。倪弟兄很多的属灵书籍帮助我对自己灵里面的很多细微之处有更多的分析，帮助我学习来炼净自己。我经历很多困难的时候，倪弟兄的诗歌，像《炼我愈精》《让我爱》等对我影响非常大，所以我看他的书也比较多。我所在的那个教会也是有小群背景的，所以我会对地方教会和小群教会比较感兴趣，也收集到比较多的资料。
那年，某福音机构请我去采访许梅骊——许梅骊就是《叛教者》中徐文英的原型，她跟我讲了很多。后来她也写了《难泯岁月》这本书。她是比较写实地记录她所经历的这些难以泯灭的岁月。另外，我也从张锡康弟兄那得到很多见证——张锡康写过一本《地方教会六十年》。
这些书给了我很多史料，我并没有打算要写，但他们一直萦绕在我心中。其实大家对这段经历和这群人最纠结的，就是书中主人公的原型究竟有没有犯这个罪？我却觉得，那不是最重要的！他有没有犯这个罪，是上帝和他之间的关系。但是这一群人，他们的生命向我彰显的，是一群有罪的、和我们有一样性情的人，所以我用小说这个形式的目的，就是写一群和我们一样，甚至是写我自己这样一个或许一定会“叛教”的，一定会犯罪的人，如何因着耶稣而站立，如何被耶稣挽回。
后来，上帝不断带人到我跟前，包括我书中写的这些人的原型，他们年老时给他们送终养老的年轻传道人，我得到很多信息。最后我觉得，大家争论的那个问题我并不关心。也有人问我：“为什么你要写成小说，不写成真名实姓的传记或是历史见证？”我说：“我的目的就不是纠结某个人、某些人、某件事。我的目的，是追问自己的内心。”
如果我们在这本书中寻找的，是别人有没有犯罪，那我不用写这本书！他或犯罪或不犯罪与我何干？我也希望我的读者在这本书中要寻求的是自己：我的信仰里面有哪些是虚谎的？我的生命中有哪些是不讨神喜悦的，是需要被上帝重新破碎、剔除、雕琢、制作的？
在这种情况下，我心中那源自上帝的呼召已经很明确了——要写这本书！甚至“叛教者”这个书名，也是祷告的时候神给的很清楚的。我起初并不想用这个书名，我觉得有些刺激，又不合我的心意，当然也会得罪人。但是一次又一次想改书名，一次又一次神不允许改。
后来有一次，我带一个基督徒艺术家、作家的退修会。那次上帝给我们一个主题，就是“去除恐惧”。你有什么最恐惧的事情？他们祷告，我为他们祷告。这个过程中我觉得我好像没有什么恐惧的事情。每个人到神面前祷告，我这人比较天不怕地不怕，可等轮到我的时候，我跪下来，突然之间，我知道自己恐惧什么——我恐惧写这本书！
那时候，我已经牧会一段时间了。我在人面前已经把自己修炼成一个挺完美的传道人，已经有十来年没有写小说，因为一旦写长篇小说，你会跟着人物起伏而情绪敏感，很难保证自己在写作过程中仍然能够对弟兄姐妹、对同工客客气气。
所以我觉得，写这本书既有可能得罪教会和社会，还有可能使我重新回到一个作家的身份。一个真正的作家是很难隐藏的，因为他里面必须要很敏感，而且真实，去除伪装。
今天基督教的很多文学，甚至我们的见证，其实伪装度是很高的……所以，当我要真正来写这本书的时候，我记得那天晚上大家也为我祷告，我觉得我面前就像一个深潭，一旦跳下去，不知道会是怎样！当时有一个姊妹就指出说：“你不就是怕被打碎了你这个完美的外表吗？好像挺属灵的一个传道人的外表。你不就是怕打碎你自己吗？”
这句话给我很大的震动，我要写的这些人，其实他们也是不愿意打碎自己的，但最后被神打得更碎。我不敢写这群人，也是因为我不敢被破碎。可是，我若不敢被破碎，上帝的光如何照出来？所以我后来就跟这些同伴说，如果我写了，教会把我开除了怎么办？他们就说没事，教会开除你，我们认你做弟兄姐妹。他们中间有几个还是我非常尊敬的牧者。我想，有他们认可就够了！然后就抱着这样的心开始了写作。
Testimoni…
Listen for 7 min
The pain of the production of “The Apostate”
Shi Wei – Set in the local church founded by the Chinese himself in Shanghai in the twenties, the novel writes about a group of Christians who experienced various movements such as resistance war, liberation, and three against five rebellions and had different lives due to different choices.
This group of believers, who do not care about politics and are far from the world, in the midst of great social turmoil, lead people from worship to shock and anger, leading to the collapse of faith and the reversal of life. However, true hope is wonderfully restored after being demolished.
One waits
Winter is the rainy season in Los Angeles. But this year, the rain has not been able to fall. Plants and people, both wait; Air and ground, also wait
This is the first sentence in the preface to the novel “The Apostate”. When Enfu magazine asked me to talk about the birth of this book, I looked at the opening sentence and shed tears again…
Wait. Since I came to God, I always seem to be “waiting.” The biggest difference between writing “The Apostate” and my previous writing is also “waiting”.
At Easter 1999, I was baptized into Christ. At that time, my church had a “small group” background, but I didn’t know about it when I first believed it. To be honest, I shed many tears in that church; But after leaving, I found that those days laid a solid foundation for my new life, and the blessings brought me by experiencing “brokenness” far outweighed the losses.
At the end of 1999, at the New Year’s Eve prayer meeting in Dallas, the older generation of pastors such as Zhao Tianen and Teng Jinhui cared for me and laid hands on my prayers. At the end of the day, Pastor Zhao suddenly mentioned my name at the meeting and said: You are a poet who wants to write epic poems for the Chinese church. He said a lot that I can’t remember, but it pierced my heart. I thought at the time, he was just a moment of excitement, the real modern so-called “epic” is not as simple as a long poem.
This calling, which I consciously forgot, always tings me, especially when I read the testimony of old Christians or face the struggles and tears of that era in interviews. I often ask myself late at night: Is it possible to let these living beings be silent in the dust like this? Isn’t what God is doing in these lives to speak to generations to come?
In 2004, Pastor Zhao Tianen returned to Heaven. I consoled myself that he had probably forgotten this call to a little sister; But whenever He was mentioned, I felt uneasy, as if the eyes of the Father and Jesus on the cross were always looking at me; And the eyes of many old brothers and sisters I interviewed, prayed for me, and cut their lives before me—they are returning home one after another.
But I still have to wait
Because I don’t know where to start writing? How to write? Even afraid to enter into such a vast, chaotic, and indistinguishable historical source—can my theological and spiritual experience understand and dissect all of this?
II Preparation
In the spring of 2013, I completed my doctorate in pastoral studies in the study of the contextualization of Chinese in Old Testament literature. In the last paragraph of the dissertation, I wrote: “With the help of the study of the stylistic and artistic characteristics of the Bible, we can provide a new narrative perspective and expression for the creation of Chinese Christian literature, so that the Bible can truly become a model for the creation of Christian literature, not only in theological thought but also in the literary form… The content and form of Chinese Christian literature should be rooted in the Bible, so as to gain new vitality. ”
In fact, this paragraph expresses the main purpose of my doctoral studies. Attending the graduation ceremony in the summer, and the paper was officially published by the Hong Kong Baptist Church, I knew that this was only the end of the preparatory period, the beginning of the real journey.
At this time, I had basically made it clear that I would use the local church in Shanghai as material to describe how Chinese Christians founded independent churches, explored contextualized theological teachings, and developed church construction. By showing the mental journeys and life stories of some of them, readers can join me in “taking people as mirrors” and “learning from history”, reflecting on the problems existing in individuals and churches, and deeply understanding the sinfulness of people and the salvation of God.
I chose to write in fiction form in order to let more people outside the church understand Christians and confront their humanity, faith, and life. There is not yet a single work in modern and contemporary Chinese literature that provides a positive and direct description of this group of people, and this lack should be filled by Christian writers. Since I want to show it to outsiders, I deliberately use literary writing to describe the basic rites of Christianity, such as “baptism” and “bread breaking”.
By 2014, I had basically collected all the materials and seemed to be ready, but I still had to “wait”. Because these characters are still on paper, separated from me by a veil, I can’t enter their hearts. Moreover, because of “self-love” and “self-pity”, I am also afraid to enter their hearts.
Three-fold
In the summer of 2014, at a conference in New Mexico, I met a young preacher who had come out of the Shanghai local church to attend seminary. During the meeting, I interviewed him for four consecutive nights; After that, he came to Los Angeles to continue his interview with me. Through his reflection on his presence, these historical figures finally appeared alive in front of me. But at the same time, their pain, beliefs, contradictions, and entanglements in their lives are also bloodily presented.I think this may be my life’s calling and mission, so let it go and write it when I’m old! At that time, perhaps the social, political, and ecclesiastical environment was better, and I was more mature. So I started writing another novel. But God stopped me.That fall, we held a retreat in China for the core of Christian literature and art on the theme of “Fear.” I identified this theme from prayer, but at the time I didn’t feel that it had anything to do with myself.
During the meeting, one by one, fellow travelers took turns to share and pray earnestly with each other.
When it was my turn, I knelt down and suddenly faced the great fear within myself. This fear is like a huge black hole that wants to swallow me in. I was the editor-in-chief of Overseas Campus and a preacher of the church, could I devote myself to literary creation in such a capacity? The creation of a novel is like living for the characters in the book. If I were to write the novel “The Apostate”, I wonder if I would doubt God and faith in the process. Can I enter and walk out of the valley of the shadow of death with my characters? In the process of writing, my emotions will fluctuate a lot, can I control myself and continue to teach and shepherd in the church? If it gets out of control, what do the brothers and sisters think? If I dissect the truth of human nature layer by layer, will I “trip people”? Will the church expel me?
In fact, the fear at that moment was much greater than these conceivable reasons, and I felt as if I was going to be crushed.
Thank God I’m not alone. Several fellow literary Christians in the retreat and the pastors who accompanied us laid on my hands and prayed for me. They unceremoniously pointed out my “self-love” and encouraged me to be willing to be completely broken by the Lord. Then they hugged me one by one and said, “No matter what problems I have in the writing process, how the Chinese church will view this book and the author in the future, they will all recognize me as a member.”
Then, at a general meeting in Hong Kong, I shared this vision with several old council members of the Chinese Shepherd team. Several pastors also felt that the task of writing was very difficult, and they laid on my hands and prayed together for me as I knelt on the ground. Their prayer is also the prayer in my heart, asking God that the Father is in complete control, taking away all my autonomy, and letting the Father’s will flow freely in my heart and pen. I think that after such a trust, even if the result is not good, the Lord will commemorate it, and I can be regarded as suffering for the Lord. If it is out of myself, not only can I write badly, but I can’t bear it.
Four prayers are written
After returning to Los Angeles, I started writing. From December 2014 to August 24, 2015, the first draft of 270,000 words was completed. Another three months were spent on-site inspections of the novel’s origins, re-reading the relevant works, discussing with witnesses, scholars, and pastors, and receiving the best help from local church pastors throughout China and the United States. From January to April 2016, it was supplemented and revised to complete the full draft of “The Apostate” of 320,000 words.The whole writing process is truly miraculous every day!
First, God made a mother and daughter from the local church in Shanghai my neighbors, and they wrote and prayed for me every day. Every time I wanted to write, I would WeChat about them and they would start praying. Sometimes they still can’t write, so they drop everything they have in hand and kneel down to pray. Sometimes they don’t concentrate on prayer, and I don’t write well. When I finished writing for the day and told them on WeChat, we relaxed together. It really made me completely dependent on prayer to write. It is no exaggeration to say that during the writing of “The Apostate”, there was less time for writing than time for prayer.
Second, many scenes, especially the events in prison, and many vivid and touching details that I could not imagine. The Holy Spirit led me many times in my dreams into the scenes I was going to write that day, as if I were in a movie.
Third, in the process of writing and revising the process, the Father constantly brought to me relevant historical researchers, witnesses, supplementary materials, etc.
Thank the Lord that despite the physical and spiritual ordeal I experienced in the process of writing, my faith became more and more true and firm in my heart. On the one hand, I deeply sighed: “If you throw me into that meat grinder-like era, the best I can do is become an apostate.” “On the other hand, I am more grateful than ever!” Because I know who I believe in, and I am confident that He can preserve what I have entrusted to Him (or do: what He has entrusted to me) until that day. (2 Timothy 1:12)
At the end of June, Southern Press signed a contract and launched it in July. For more than a month, the book has received attention and praise from Christian and non-Christian readers, literary critics, pastors, historians, and sociologists.
I felt that I stood with the group of people in the book and became a drama for the world and the angels to see. Although the pottery was broken, the treasure inside emitted light.
01. The main purpose, original intention, and purpose of creation
The thrust of The Apostate is to show that man is ungraspable in all ways—ungraspable of circumstances, ungraspable of oneself, and difficult to hold on to even what we believe, but God is eternal and his love is eternal.
In this book, I just want to write about a group of people of faith, in this changing history, experiencing all kinds of suffering, all kinds of ungraspable, what is the difference between them and those who do not have faith? Because in Chinese history, especially in modern and contemporary history, a series of political events have taken place. In fact, all turmoil presents the truth, hidden evil, and weakness in the human heart.
At this point, we seem to see God as if he is doing nothing, just silently watching us suffer. When I use this book to comb through the characters and stories of that era, the twists and turns of their fortunes in history, and their final results, we see God’s hand, but also his protection and love.
In Chinese history, especially the thirties and forties to the seventies, which this book mainly describes, in the process, whether through literature or historical records, we see the fate of various groups of people in modern and contemporary history. But what is the state of life of Christians, a group of people of faith, at this stage of history? What they went through and suffered, no one knows.
In other words, there is such a large group of people living among us, but they are covered up by history, and there is no such group of people in history recorded by future generations! So much so that we think that there seems to be no faith community in China’s modern history.
But in fact, such a group of people, they have also experienced the entire ups and downs of modern and contemporary history. I want to bring their lives back to life.So, for non-Christians, they also need to know what life is like for a Christian in this society. In other words, when the Chinese nation endured all kinds of suffering, this group of people endured all kinds of sufferings like everyone else; And, while suffering is accompanied by greater tears and pressure. However, their attitude toward suffering and the process by which the faith within them is re-established and even crushed is very meaningful.Another thing about my motivation for writing this book is that I came to Christ in 1999, was baptized at Easter, and went to a New Year’s Eve prayer meeting in Dallas in late 1999. During the prayer in the audience, Pastor Zhao Tianen suddenly called my name and said, “Shi Wei, you come to pray for China!” “It was the first time I had prayed in public, at such a big gathering. God showed me the faces of the people walking on the street and the people on the bus… The true state of those faces and souls is deeply imprinted in my heart.
At the end of that meeting, it was 2,000 years old, and Pastor Zhao Tianen suddenly said on the stage: “Shi Wei, you have come to write an epic poem for the Chinese church.” “My understanding at the time was that epic is writing a poem. Later, I did write a set of songs, but God gradually made it clear that he wanted me to write about these things that happened in the history of the Chinese church, about these believers who used their lives and blood to become seeds, and about these martyrs who sowed their lives on that land – although I used the name “apostate”, but everyone who is crushed because of faith, every person who sacrifices himself because of faith, whether actively or passively, is actually a martyr.
In addition, the reason why the title does not use “martyr” is that I think no one is really martyred himself, our nature is “apostasy”, but God chose us to make us martyrs. Who can take the initiative to martyrdom? When we think we are active, we are still passive, and we are just vessels in God’s hands.
After Pastor Zhao Tianen returned to heaven, the eyes that called me on the stage seemed to always look at me from heaven. Actually, I didn’t have much personal contact with Pastor Zhao, but his call never left me. I always felt sorry, because later on, although I wrote a lot of things and did a lot of things, I always felt that I had failed his call when I first came to Christ.
Therefore, I am determined to write “The Apostate”, which I am currently writing about the Song Shang Festival, and I intend to continue to write about it, in semi-fiction and non-fiction form, to present the major events and figures in history of the Chinese church, especially the life of Christ. That’s what I’m writing for. My purpose is not to do anything else, not even to discern the truth of some of the details of history, but to make our lives true in the life of Christ, which is why I wrote this book.
02. Use history as a mirror and know yourself
But any person will have a “religious complex” in his heart. Because all people were created by God. Man is not an animal, not a plant; We are human because we all have a conscience, and that conscience comes from the soul and life. This level is actually what literature wants to express.
Today we see a lot of literature that seems to be just telling stories, in fact, if literature only expresses some anecdotes of our daily life, even if it is a beautiful story, I am afraid that such literature will gradually be replaced by news, or replaced by fairy tales. True literature is to show people the tearing and struggle, sublimation, and recreation of the soul of a group of people.
Therefore, reading this book is not so much to look at a piece of history as to look at ourselves, the so-called “history as a mirror”, this history is not far away, and what these people have experienced may be what our parents experienced.
So, what’s the point of looking at their lives? I think today we often say “Live in the moment”, but when we live in the present, we only live in what we see with our eyes. We think that living in the present moment is very real, but in fact, we don’t even understand the present moment; It can even be said that without the mirror of history, we do not know what our real life and true soul are.
For example, today, whether Christians or non-Christians, we often feel as if everything is fine, and this history presents to us the true sinfulness of the human heart and the uncontrollable nature of the human heart.For example, there is a bottle of water, there is a lot of dregs in the water, if the water and the bottle are in a static state, the surface of the water looks quite clear; But once the bottle was shaken, I saw a lot of dregs floating up. In the same way, when we do not experience great suffering in our lives when we do not experience shaking, we may live in a false understanding, and once we are shaken, we see scum.
Therefore, by looking at the history of our predecessors and the lives of others in suffering, we do not wait until our own lives are shaken, and we first come to know ourselves. Only by knowing the sinful nature in ourselves will we better understand the preciousness of salvation and realize that we ourselves are limited and cannot save ourselves.
03. God’s Conservative Faith
Christians in fiction reject faith and become “apostates” for various reasons. For example, there is a brother in this novel, who saw some problems of leaders exposed from the outside and also saw some problems that were exposed to each other within the church, as if this church is not so beautiful, this faith is not so perfect… He still didn’t want to reject this god at this time, and when he was sick, he had a prayer with God: “Tonight, you let this indicator of mine come down, then, no matter what changes outside, I will believe you.” ”
I think I understand this prayer very well – let my indicators come down, even if they go up later, I want you to show me! But the next day, his indicators did not fall but rose, so he completely collapsed. He doesn’t love the Lord, he doesn’t mean he must be healed by the Lord, he wants God—you show me once the way I do!
Such faith may seem normal today, but if we go back to the Bible, the Lord’s guidance to us and the Lord’s promises to our prayers are not what we intended. So, the next day he found that the indicator had not fallen but risen, and he decided that there was no God.
After that, his wife and daughter still believed in Christ and prayed for him, and he hated them very much. He often scolded them and beat his wife. He also began to pursue “progress” However, he was still a Christian after all, so he had no future in politics, and he beat himself up: playing cards, smoking, drinking… At some point, he even loathed himself very much.
On the one hand, every time he saw his wife and daughter praying, he felt a sense of self-blame and associated despair. By the time he survived until 1970, it had been about twenty years, and at that time, he wanted to end his life and felt that living was meaningless. He turned out to be an executive of a bank in Qingdao, who once gave up all his belongings and donated all his property and house to the church. He thought he gave so much that God should be kind to him.
This kind of faith mentality actually reflects our current understanding and practice of faith. We forget that we are only servants and handmaids of God.
In this case, he wanted to end his life by the time he was seven years old. At that time, he donated his house, he lived in his parents’ house in Shanghai, and he wanted to jump off the balcony. As he stepped over the balcony railing with one leg, he heard a knock on the door. He asked, “Who?” “There was no sound, so he came down and went to open the door, and there was no one outside the door. He was about to commit suicide again, and when he was about to jump off the balcony, he heard another knock on the door, and he went to open the door, but there was still no one.
So, when he heard a knock on the door for the third time, he said, “Whoever still knocks on the door, I’m going to die, don’t open the door!” Then he heard Jesus say, “It’s me.” ”Just those two words. He said: “I knew whose voice it was! ”
This is a real testimony, they recall.
When I heard this testimony and wrote it down, I was very moved. A person who has not confessed and betrayed the Lord for twenty years can still recognize the voice of his Savior, and I think this salvation is a sure certainty! If we are God’s sheep, we can hear God’s voice. So, when he heard “It’s me,” he knew it was the Lord, and then he got down from the balcony railing, knelt in the living room, and said, “Lord, is it you?” Didn’t you leave long ago? The Lord said, “I have not left, I have always been here.” He cried.
He knelt down and prayed, “Lord, you haven’t left, you’ve been here!” In this way, he returned to God’s arms, and later he became a very powerful evangelist.
As I was thinking and writing the story of this little man, I thought, how many things in this world are we sure of? Whether we have faith or not, we are often in a state of uncertainty; But if you have true faith, you know that your faith and assurance are not in your hands, but in God’s protection, as the Bible says, “For knowing who I believe and confident that He can preserve what I have entrusted to Him until that day.” (See 2 Timothy 1:12)
Therefore, in this little person, I feel a little – such a faith that is personally guarded by God is the real hope of man, otherwise, the faith that we work hard to practice and maintain by ourselves is actually unsure, because we are all unreliable.
Christianity is not about passive patience but about patience and sophistication, and sophistication of hope. No matter how unreliable we may be, God’s reliability is in our lives. I believe that this transcendent grace and mercy that transcends one’s self-grasp and self-control is what the church, Christians and all people today need to know most. Only this transcendence can free us from what we see, from our despair and confusion about ourselves, and turn our eyes to Jesus and what He accomplished on the cross.
What Jesus accomplished on the cross was complete salvation, that is, all our sins were borne by Him. As long as you have faith in this, you are connected to His life, and you will have it. This transcendent faith is a hope in this age that transcends religion and culture and can free us from the limitations and bondage of the flesh and the environment.
04The story behind “The Apostate”
Before The Apostate, I had written about three novels, and before that, I wrote more poetry, prose, and other genres. The book “The Apostate” began a whole new writing for me. Because the novels I wrote before were basically related to my own life; And about “The Apostate”, at first it was not thought to write this book.
After I came to Christ in 1999, I was deeply influenced by two people, Brother Soong Shangjie and Brother Watchman Nee. Brother Ni’s many spiritual books have helped me to analyze many subtleties in my spirit and help me learn to purify myself. When I experienced a lot of difficulties, Brother Ni’s poems, such as “Refine Me and Refine Me” and “Let Me Love”, had a great influence on me, so I read his books more. The church I work in also has a small group background, so I will be more interested in local churches and small group churches, and I will collect more information.
That year, a gospel organization asked me to interview Xu Meili, the prototype of Xu Wenying in “The Apostate,” and she told me a lot. Later, she also wrote the book “Hard Years”. She is a more realistic record of these indelible years she has experienced. In addition, I have received many testimonies from Brother Zhang Xikang, who wrote the book “Sixty Years of the Local Church”.
These books gave me a lot of historical information that I didn’t intend to write, but they haunted me. In fact, what everyone is most entangled with this experience and this group of people is whether the prototype of the protagonist in the book committed this crime. But I don’t think that’s the most important thing! Whether he sinned or not is a relationship between God and Him. But this group of people, whose lives show me, is a group of sinful people who have the same temperament as us, so my purpose in the form of fiction is to write about a group of people who are just like us, or even myself, who may definitely be “apostasy” and must sin, how they stand because of Jesus and how they are redeemed.
Later, God kept bringing people to me, including the prototypes of these people in my book, the young preacher who gave them the end of their life when they were old, and I got a lot of information. In the end, I don’t think I care about the issue that everyone is arguing about. Some people also asked me: “Why do you write a novel, not a biography or historical testimony with your real name?” I said, “My purpose is not to get entangled with someone, someone, or something.” My purpose is to ask my heart. ”
If what we’re looking for in this book is whether someone else has sinned, then I don’t need to write this book! What does it matter to me whether he sins or not? I also want my readers to seek themselves in this book: What Lies in my faith? What are the things in my life that are not pleasing to God and need to be broken, removed, carved, and made again by God?
In this case, the call from God in my heart is clear—to write this book! Even the title “The Apostate” was given clearly by God during prayer. I didn’t want to use the title at first, I felt a little excited, it didn’t suit my heart, and of course, it offended people. But again and again, I wanted to change the title of the book, and again and again, God did not allow it.
Later, I took a retreat from a Christian artist and writer. That time God gave us a theme, which was “removing fear.” What are your worst fears? They pray, and I pray for them. I felt as if I didn’t have anything to fear during this process. Everyone prayed before God, and I was a fearless person, but when it was my turn, I got down on my knees, and all of a sudden, I knew what I was afraid of—I was afraid to write this book!
At that time, I had been a shepherd for some time. I have cultivated myself into a perfect preacher in front of people, and I have not written a novel for more than ten years, because once you write a long novel, you will follow the ups and downs of the characters and be emotionally sensitive, and it is difficult to ensure that you can still be polite to brothers and sisters and fellow workers in the process of writing.
So I felt that writing this book would both offend the church and society, and it might bring me back to being a writer. It is difficult for a real writer to hide because he must be sensitive and truthful inside, without pretense.
Much of the literature of Christianity today, and even our testimony, is actually very disguised… So, when I was going to actually write this book, I remember that night everyone was praying for me, and I felt like a deep pool in front of me, and once I jumped, I didn’t know what it would be! At that time, a sister pointed out: “Aren’t you afraid that your perfect appearance will be broken?” It seems to be quite a spiritual preacher’s appearance. Aren’t you afraid of breaking yourself? ”
This sentence shocked me a lot, these people I want to write about, in fact, are not willing to break themselves, but in the end, they are beaten even more by God. I don’t dare to write about this group of people, also because I don’t dare to be broken. But if I dare not be broken, how will God’s light shine? So I later said to these companions, what if I write and the church excommunicates me? They said it’s okay, the church excommunicates you, and we recognize you as a brother and sister. Several of them are pastors I respect very much. I think it’s enough to have their approval! Then I started writing with that in mind.
见证篇175.《叛…
《叛教者》——让人“路转粉”（亚萨）
开始就是为了下班路上打发一下时间。然而，我仿佛一个懵懂的渔夫，一不小心踏入一个神秘的山洞，进到一个隐藏于历史某个时空的纷繁世界。不同的是，这不是陶渊明式的桃花源之旅，而更象是东野圭吾式的侦探之旅。这本小说分为既独立又相互关联的4部分：揭发者、献身者、跟随者、擘饼者。下面我想分享一下我的阅读体验；事先声明，你可能完全不同意我的看法；这只是我的个人感受。第1部：“揭发者”
这部小说刚开头的几章给我的感觉，有点像《泰坦尼克号》中的老露丝一般，回忆一段老套的、民国时期大户小姐的恋爱故事。
只不过，由于她生活涂抹上了一层基督信仰的油彩——那时上流社会的时髦和洋派作风，以至还缺少了一些鸳鸯蝴蝶派的不作不死的曲折趣味。
我呢，就好像是沿着一段波澜不惊、平直无趣的小溪行走了一阵，左顾右盼没有发现有什么特别的，越来越觉得乏味而气馁。我心说：得了，还是别看了。
正准备抽身离开时，突然看到前面——不是“豁然开朗；有良田美池桑竹之属”（编注：《桃花源记》）；而是峰回路转，河水急流而下，陡然间坠入了万丈深渊！
就在作者话锋一转之间，仿佛电影里突然变了背景音乐一般，社会变革如飓风袭来，人物矛盾突然爆发，人际关系中所有温情的面纱被猛然撕破，以往隐藏在黑暗里的丑陋一下子大白于天下！
于是，在火炼一般的考验下，最令人敬仰的领袖被发现是私德败坏的恶徒，而最真诚的信徒则成了最气急败坏的揭发者。爱情与阴谋交织，真相与谎言纠缠……而政治斗争又席卷一切。令人心跳加速，应接不暇。我一下子呆住了！
等回过神来，我不由自主地回翻前面的内容，这时感觉就完全不一样了：
前面貌似平淡无奇的情节中，一点一点地积蓄着矛盾爆发的因素，不动声色地埋下定时炸弹。甚至我先前轻视的那些“涂着基督信仰油彩的生活”的描述，也重新有了新的视角：
这不就是一个旁观者对许多基督徒精神面貌的直观印象么？这不就是我们所谓的城市基督徒的“正常”信仰生活么？而且还是自认有知识，正义感爆棚，对罪毫不妥协的热心基督徒呢！
然而，这样的“好基督徒”，却在真正的大风暴来临时，被检验出信仰建在一片流沙上。想到这点，再反照自己：我要是生活在那个严峻的时代，或是那个时代如今再重现，我将会怎样一种表现呢？真是细思恐极，冷汗直流。
再想起前面对作品的观感，我发现自己中了作者“圈套”——但是我是带着愉快和欣喜的心情发现这一点的。因为，好久没有看到这么精彩的小说了！更不用说是有深度的信仰小说了！
第2部：献身者
一群为了上帝献身的年轻人，有的放弃了富有显赫的家世，有的放弃了光明远大的前途，有的放弃了青梅竹马的恋情。他们才华横溢，青春热情，为着同一个目标，从不同的地方，汇聚到了上海的文德里，建立起中国历史上第一个自力更生、具有全国范围影响力的信仰团体——基督徒聚会处。
这一群完全献上的人，被信徒们万众敬仰。他们的文字和事迹，在各地信徒中流传。
然而，当那股大揭发、大批判、打倒一切反对派的政治洪流来临，基督徒聚会处的创立者李夜声——那位被视为神人的领袖，那位具有深刻属灵洞见和权柄，那位教导大家要绝对、完全、“交出去给主”的人，却被大家发现，是一位与多位女性犯了淫乱，且在自己经营的化工厂和教会之间的财务上不清不楚的人！
信徒们完完全全“蒙圈”（迷糊。编注）了：究竟哪一面才是“真实”的他？难道那些刺入人心的讲道只是出于演讲技巧？难道那些如火焚烧的灵性复兴是集体自欺？
那些毫无保留地奉献家产、那些放弃世上大好前途过来投奔、那些毅然决然地“福音移民”的信徒，觉得无比的震惊、撕裂
越是事工核心的同工，受到的冲击越大。
主人翁之一，一位公认的灵里成熟通透，对上帝全然奉献，被称为聚会处“文胆”、“女状元”的李如是，也被揭发出来关于李夜声的“真相”，打瘫在地，之后在监狱度过了漫长、羞辱、苦毒、不信的15年的漫长时光。
她直到生命的最后一刻，才略微释怀。
第2部也勾起了我的一段痛苦回忆。
几年前，我所在的教会，那位直接牧养和关怀过我好几年的Z牧师，竟然出轨并与年轻女孩私奔。这事件，给整个教会带来“地震”。
得知这个消息后，我有一种强烈的愤怒和被欺骗的感觉。情感上受到了重创，甚至信仰也产生了动摇。因为我早已将教会看成心灵的家，将牧师视为属灵的父亲。
不仅我是如此。我发现，相比与Z牧师交往不多的人，我们这些被他直接牧养、关怀的信徒，受到的信仰冲击最大，情绪也最激烈.
因此，我特别能体会到小说中那些同工的苦毒和愤怒的情绪——不仅是对人，也是对上帝。然而，超越人去与上帝建立关系，这不正是每个人在信仰历程上必经过的一道坎么？
“不要看人，而要看上帝”，做起来何等的难啊！人性是多么复杂啊！圣徒也会犯下可怕的错误，而恶人也有人性闪光的时刻。这部小说展现了令人赞叹的丰富度。
第3部：跟随者
这一部中，最令我感动的是3个字：“主知道”。
领袖必然会有跟随者。没有跟随者的人，成不了领袖。跟随李夜声一同走信仰道路的，有文思敏捷的青年才子，有秀外慧中的大家闺秀，有精明强干的中年经理人，有忠诚朴实的白发信徒.
这些人在政治高压的环境下，在政府要求大家对李夜声的“累累罪行”进行揭发时，有的见风使舵，有的曲线救国，有的义愤填膺，有的缄默不语。
读者看到的是人性和命运中奇异的反合性。最聪明的盘算，最后却成了自掘陷阱；想保全生命的，却丢了生命；算定必死的人，却死里逃生。那些自以为义的，那些脚踏两只船的，那些义正辞严的，那些决不宽恕的，一个个栩栩如生地活画在面前。
我发现一个有趣的事实，就是凡跟随李夜声超过跟随主的，在信仰上都或迟或早、或轻或重地跌倒了；凡是怀着谦卑、敬畏的态度，跟随上帝超过跟随人的，都没有因李夜声跌倒或不信。“
人只是一根苇杖，你却将他当成了磐石。”其实明天会怎么样，有谁能知道呢？除了上帝，有谁能掌管明天的道路呢？当我读到如下的段落时，我流泪了：
“老人没有转过头来，他脸转向大海，沉默了一会儿说：‘那些人都过去了，那些事也过去了，那个时代也过去了那块土地都远了，现在，对于一个80岁的老人，最重要的，只有永生。’
“老人坐上轮椅，被孙子推着走向停车场， 越走越远……我狠了狠心，跨前一步问道：‘您觉得您是对了？还是错了？’话一出口，我就后悔了，我有什么资格来问他呢？真希望海风淹没了这句话。老人却在轮椅上转过身来，我真真切切地看见了他孩子般灿烂的笑容，他说：‘主知道！’
“是的，只有主知道明天的道路，只有祂知道每个人每个阶段的真实状况和需要，也只有祂配得我们紧紧跟随。”
第4部：擘饼者
第4部有点象是侦探小说中最后揭晓谜底的部分。
前3部虽然都成自成一体，每个故事里都各有主人公，但是每个故事也都有一条暗线，指向核心人物：李夜声——这个对于别人的质疑和批评，从来保持沉默的人。
看前两部的时候，我心里一直盘旋着一个问题：这个人究竟是一个圣徒呢？还是一个自欺欺人的超级大骗子？
正如作者所形容的，面对李夜声时，“如同面对一个幽黑的、表面平静、内里涌动的深潭。一个涌动着各种气流般的对话、面容、身影和心思的时空之洞。”
我也是这样的感觉：单从“破案”的思路来看，直到最后，我也需要老实承认，我依旧没有看清当事人的全部面目。这就好比一个遗落在深渊里的古董，被探照灯扫射过去，亮了一下，又隐没在沈沈的黑暗里了。
第4部有李夜声在监狱中的自我反思，在以往的文献、资料中从未曾见过，所以具有某种珍贵的史料价值。然而，其意义远远不止如此，他在监狱中的这些只言片语的记录，仿佛是一声声穿越时空的叹息，令人的灵魂深处都颤动。
“才知道在主眼里，地上的一切都是不可积累的上帝要的不是个不同寻常的人，而只是个合用的器皿。
“哦，我的神！我竟是这样地遮蔽了你的荣耀？若这些人不是这样崇拜我，以我为‘神人’，你会如此彻底地拆毁我吗？若我不是用恩赐、启示、事工，一点点完善自己、雕琢自己、坚固自己、修饰自己，我会成为这样一个偶像.“我怎能不流泪？你竟然是在我成为囚犯后释放了我，竟然是在我成了众人唾骂的私德败坏的人时洁净了我。这么多年，我向你求的释放与洁净，现在突然就成了。我像被人当场捉住的淫妇般，真真切切地体会了你的赦免.
“我几乎是要感谢这牢狱了，若不是在这里，我又怎能这么安安逸逸地，坐在你的同在中，吃你设立的晚餐呢？”
我们的文化一直倾向于脸谱化地评价人，非黑即白，为尊者讳，同时将坏人描写为十恶不赦。然而人是复杂多面的，且是不断变化的。
对于李夜声究竟是圣徒还是骗子的问题，其实到了第3部时，看到张氏父子在生命将终时都只是说“主知道”，而拒绝对李夜声进行评判时，我就觉得这个问题不那么重要了。
到了第4部，我更进一步发现，我先前问的这个“问题”，本身就有问题！
除了上帝本身，古往今来，世界上可曾有一个完全没有犯错的人？显然没有。李夜声所犯的那些错误，男女关系的，经济上的，真的存在吗？答案可能是“是”。然而，他的信仰是真实、诚恳的吗？答案同样是“是”。
“人犯了错误（男女问题，经济问题），上帝会原谅吗？”
“当然。”
“牧师犯了错误（男女问题，经济问题），上帝会原谅吗？”
“人犯了严重的错误后，他先前的贡献也应被抹杀吗？”
“当然不应该。”
“牧师犯了严重的错误后，他先前的贡献也应被抹杀吗？”
这就是我看完第4部后，这位中国教会历史上大名鼎鼎的争议人物带给我的思考。
结语
我觉得，一部优秀的小说，作者为里面的人物塑造出形象，赋予灵魂；一部伟大的小说，里面的人物的形象与灵魂，则并非被作者的头脑塑造，而是本来就存在在那里的——只不过先前隐藏在黑暗中——静静等待巡夜人的提灯将其照亮。
不夸张地讲，在《叛教者》中，我觉得自己看到了伟大小说的模样。正如作者（可能是无意识）在自序里如此写道：
“写了大半辈子的我写不出这本小说，我生不出这团荆棘，它们卡在那里……无力架构这些故事和秘密，甚至也无力定义这其中的人和情绪，更无力填补其中的断裂。
“这些断裂如天堑般让我恐惧，因为我笔下的人物将是不合逻辑的一群人，是拒绝被定义、被判断的一群人。但他们占有了我，占有了我的情感和我的体验。
“我决定，其实也是不得不，将这些片段写出来，即便是粗糙的、血肉模糊的，象是采石厂的生坯般，我也要把它们写出来，以便救我自己脱离他们，重新开始生活。”
不知为什么，读完后，我总会想起日本的远藤周作，以及他的《沉默》。我隐约觉得，《叛教者》是不输于前者的一部力作。其人性的深度和广度，矛盾冲突的张力和尖锐，是近二三十年来中文小说中所没有的。
我确信，现在只是刚刚开始，会有越来越多的读者，对它“路转粉”的！