If you ask your friends whether they believe in God or not, you will be amazed to find that the reasons for the unbelievers are all similar (rationalism, materialism, etc.), while the reasons for the believers are different. Every Christian’s experience of becoming a Christian is different, and the process may seem bizarre, illogical, and flippant to non-Christian friends. But for a person who has experienced it firsthand, it is so real and believable.
Like all Chinese who were “born in New China and grew up under the red flag”, I received an atheistic education since I was a child, believed in Marxism-Leninism, and was determined to “fight for the cause of × for life”. When “the spring breeze of reform and opening up blew all over the motherland”, I was still a carefree college student. Curious and excited, I began to come into contact with a variety of “worldviews” and philosophies of life. As a result, in a short period of time, the concepts of education that had been instilled for more than ten years were abandoned by me.
Although I don’t know about it, I believe that I have embraced Western ideas such as “existentialism” and “pragmatism”. One of my favorite sayings at the time was, “Everything that exists is reasonable.” I no longer believe that there is anything absolute in the world, I believe that everything is relative: truth, right and wrong, and morality. It has become my goal to have fun and enjoy life while I am young.
All I think about all day long is how to make money and how to enjoy it. But when the coveted material life came true one by one, I found that these things were not attractive. My heart was even more empty, it was a deep emptiness in my soul. I look up to the sky: why do I exist here and now in the vast universe? If everything is accidental, and existence is absurd in the first place, then is it really like some philosophers say that suicide is the only way out?
At that time, Sanmao’s death caused confusion and confusion among my peers: how could a writer with such a successful career and so much experience think of ending his young and beautiful life? For a person who is extremely lonely in his heart, if life has no meaning in the first place, it is not a pity to end it, but on the contrary, it may be a relief.
I also thought about suicide when I was in pain, but I was reluctant to do so, and I always thought that life should be meaningful. So I became interested in religion, I read Buddhism, Taoism, and the Bible, and went to church. But none of this really freed me. I’m really like duckweed on the surface of the water, I don’t know where to float. The future has also lost its appeal to me, and my heart is restless all the time.
I came to the United States when I was desperately hopeless, empty and confused on the road of life. That’s because soon after I got married, my husband went to the United States to study, and half a year later, I also gave up my job in China to visit relatives in the United States to reunite with my husband. I never had much hope for the United States. In my impression, the United States is a desert of “spiritual civilization”, although its “material civilization” is leading in the world. The United States, as I know it through the eyes of an American modernist novelist, is a country where everyone is constantly on the run and desperately striving for fame and fortune (or the so-called “realization of self-worth”). And after having fame and fortune, they either go to the absurd or embrace nothingness. So I believe my answer is not in the United States.
However, the United States is a strange world after all, and since my husband has chosen to Xi study there, I am willing to “go out” to see it. To my great surprise, however, my husband had only been there for a few months when he told me in our “Wild Goose Story” that he had “believed” and become a Christian. This news surprised me, because I always felt that my husband was a thoughtful person who would not easily be superstitious and blindly believed.
This news also made me a little sad: How did my husband, a “man who understands,” suddenly become a slave of religion? I think he must have chosen religion because he was too lonely, too much in need of love, and empty in heart. I was heartbroken for him. At the same time, I also made up my mind that I must give my husband more love and care and drag him back from the church. At that time, I mailed my husband dozens of kilograms of Chinese books, which I believed belonged to “the essence of human civilization for thousands of years”. I hope that with this “spiritual food”, Mr. will no longer need religion as a “spiritual opium”. I am also prepared that when I arrive in the United States, I must use tender love to “save” my husband from the religion I don’t want to believe.
After I came to the United States, my husband seemed to be more and more convinced, and there was no sign of me being “redeemed”. It was I who came into contact with Christians and the Christian faith because my husband attended Bible study every week. My husband studied in Tower City, a small college town in Alabama. There’s a small Chinese Bible study class there: the Tacheng Chinese Christian Fellowship. As soon as I entered this Bible study class, I was immediately attracted by the warm and friendly atmosphere, and at the same time, I was surprised that most of the members of the Bible study class were international students and professors at the university where my husband studied. They were all energetic, confident, and capable, not illiterate or weak women, as I had imagined. Curious about the Christian faith, coupled with being drawn to Christian love, I went to Bible study almost every week, and because I wasn’t in school at the time, I had time to read a little bit of the Bible.
10,000 reasons, but I don’t think I need to be Christian. What are the benefits of being a Christian? Peace of mind? I feel that I have always been a person who is content and happy with what comes his way. To understand the sinful nature of human beings, I have long confessed that “no one is a saint or a sage.” “I confess that although I don’t kill people or set fires, I’m inherently sinful. But since everyone is like this, I’m not ashamed of it, and I don’t want to change. And I’m better than some Christians in many ways? I have self-discipline and I don’t need religion to do good.
As for heaven and hell, I think that’s a myth at all, and I don’t care about anything so far away and unfathomable. What’s more, if there is only absolute beauty in heaven, then what is the value of beauty? Beauty must be opposed to ugliness to show its beauty. Isn’t it too boring for believers in heaven to be with God every day, and all they do is sing songs and praises? More importantly, if I want to believe in one religion, why do I have to believe in Christianity? There are so many religions in the world that all say they are true, how can I know which one is true? In short, I have a thousand reasons not to believe, but none of them have one reason to believe.
Almost everyone from the mainland has had a similar experience: we used to believe some “beautiful” lies very, very innocently. When the old faith is smashed, it is very difficult to re-establish the faith, because it is very difficult to believe what the deceived people believe, not to mention the superficial similarities between the old and the new faith.
I remember when I first came to the United States, I attended a gospel camp and one of the speakers asked, “Have you ever seen a counterfeit seven-dollar bill?” and everyone replied in unison, “No.” Then the speaker asked, “Why not?” and no one knew how to answer. The speaker said, “Because there is no truth, there is no false.” This made me ponder: Is the existence of so many false gods in the world a proof of the existence of a true God? Moreover, everything that is “fake and shoddy” always tries to imitate the real thing in appearance. It is often said that the most brilliant liar is one percent lie mixed with ninety-nine percent truth. Because there is a fake, even if people encounter the real one, they will doubt it and can’t believe it, is it because I have encountered the fake one, and I can’t even believe the truth?
I have also seen such a “bet theory” (it is said that the original words were said by the great French thinker Pascal): If there is a God, you will make a lot of money if you become a Christian, but if you are not a Christian, you will be miserable; if there is no God, you will have peace and joy as a Christian all your life, and there is no harm in it, so you will only make money and not lose money by betting on “faith…… But I can’t bet on my faith. I still don’t want to be blindly trusted.
I read a lot of books and wanted to seek the truth. I have read “Ironclad Evidence”, which is of great help to many people, and I no longer doubt the authenticity of the Bible; I have read “Scientific Creationism” and no longer have superstitious beliefs about the “theory of evolution”; I have read “The World’s Major Religions”, “The Comparison between Christianity and Islam”, “The Book of Mormon”, etc., and have gained more knowledge and understanding of other non-Christian religious beliefs. I also read some expository books while reading the Bible, which was also very helpful in answering some of the questions in the Bible that have been bothering me.
Many of the obstacles to reason have been removed, but I still don’t want to become a Christian. Emotionally, many Christians around me have set a good example for me, and I want to be able to love each other with them and love others as they do. But why am I still reluctant to become a Christian? Looking back now, behind many excuses, it was my hard-hearted refusal to accept God. Because deep down I knew very well that being a Christian meant that I no longer belonged to this world and that I had to say goodbye to my past. And I still have too much nostalgia for the world and my past, and there are too many things that are difficult to let go of.
Another “reason” was that I was preparing for the GRE test at the time, and I wanted to take the test on my ability, to prove that I was relying on strength rather than relying on God’s protection, and to achieve my dream of going to school. It has been said that faith has several aspects: feelings, reason, and will. Indeed, even when I was emotionally and intellectually attached to the Christian faith, I still “chose” not to believe in God—a decision made by the will.
Someone said to me that your husband believed in the Lord before you, and it should be logical for you to be influenced by him and become a Christian again. My husband knows this best: I am a person with a particularly heavy “rebellious mentality” and likes to raise the bar with others. If you say that Christianity is bad, I may “defend” Christians, and if you say that it is good to be a Christian, I will try to find a reason to oppose it. So I went to Bible study for more than a year, and every time I was willing to argue with others, I became a “senior catechumen” who was an old “seeker” and did not believe in the Lord. My husband is an anxious person, but when it comes to my faith, he knows that I can’t be in a hurry, so he is quite calm and never pushes me.
That Christmas I went with my husband to Atlanta to attend a Christian meeting. Because I was not yet a Christian, I had to attend “catechumens.” Most of the people in this class had just come to the United States from China and had little understanding of Christianity and the Bible. The questions I asked seemed to me to be “rudimentary” and superficial, questions that had been asked countless times by others and that I had heard Christians answer countless times. I couldn’t resist “helping” the presiding Christian’s answer, which made people wonder why I hadn’t come to faith yet. On the last day of the meeting, a pastor we knew said he was going to lead me in prayer. I was immediately “alert” and knew what a “decision” was. I quickly affirmed that I would not make up my mind, and the pastor laughed and said that we could still pray together. So I prayed to the pastor, “God if you really exist, help me and open my heart so that I may know you and receive you.”
Coming back from that party, I was busy preparing for the GRE again. There was no particular emotion, no miracles, and I forgot to pray to the pastor, just listening to my husband pray for my exams every day before going to bed. My English foundation is not very good, it is really sad to take the GRE, and I often worry about not making progress in Xi for a long time, but my husband’s prayers and encouragement give me a lot of comfort.
One day when we went to Sunday service, after the pastor finished the sermon, everyone sang a song that they had heard many times before: “Just As I Am.” It was a song with great lyrics, and it was very moving. As I listened that day, tears began to fall. I knew my time had come. God has been patient with me again and again, and because of my hard heart, I have given me many opportunities, and now it is time for me to turn back, to return. Then I said, “Forgive me, O God, my stubbornness and my pride, and I will accept you as my Savior, and the Lord of my life, and I will give you my whole life to be in charge of you…… This is the first time I have asked someone else to “take control” of my life, but what is there to be ashamed of when I am prostrated before the Creator of heaven and earth?
The GRE test in February was fast approaching, and as I had done every time I faced an important test, I felt that I was not fully prepared, I was very nervous, and I was afraid that my mind would go blank when I went to the test room. After the exam, I left the examination room, and my husband, who was waiting outside, came over and asked me how I felt. I said that I was a little nervous when I first entered the examination room, so I started praying, and then I didn’t feel nervous at all, and I answered the questions very quickly, and many of the questions seemed to be “déjà vu”, and I couldn’t remember where I saw them. The gentleman didn’t say much. When the results came down, the score was far better than when I usually did the mock test, which can be said to be “super level performance”. My husband and I knew in our hearts that it was God’s gift for my little weak faith that I had first believed. So, having just come to faith and most afraid to speak in front of people, I testified in the church fellowship that “I found favor at the first faith.”
The lonely earth looks back on the road he has traveled in this life, and it can be said that it is very smooth. I grew up in a harmonious family, my parents loved me, and my siblings were close to each other. My studies have been smooth sailing, from primary school to university, I have always been a good student and class cadre in the class, and after graduation, I was assigned to work in a research unit in my hometown with an absolute counterpart, and I was also reused by the leaders and listed as a “key training object”. When I reached the age of marriage, I married a gentleman who loved me and loved me, and had good quality and character. In the eyes of the world, I have everything I should have materially and spiritually, and I should be very satisfied. But why do I still feel empty and irritable, and why do I still feel a lingering sorrow in the bustling streets, after a short period of happiness?
In the past, I thought that this was because the earth was lonely in the vast universe, so people on the earth also had an innate loneliness and despair. Now I realize that I have this feeling of loneliness and hopelessness because I have left God, so I have no peace of mind. As the philosopher said, there is a hole in the human heart, and this hole cannot be filled with anything in the world – money, fame, health, friendship, family affection, love – only God can fill it. I think it’s because we are God’s creation, and in his own image. He puts the “Spirit” in our hearts, so that we will only find true satisfaction and peace when our Spirit is connected and communed with God.
Ever since I came to know God, I have finally found my place in life, and since then my wandering mind has found peace. I know where I’m coming from, where I’m going, and I know the true meaning of life. I began to learn to cherish every day of my life and my marriage even more. When I got married, I didn’t have the luxury of having a happy marriage, because I didn’t believe that there would be any happy marriages in the world, and I didn’t believe in the “fairy tale ending” of “staying together for life” and “growing old”.
After I became a Christian, I came to realize that I was selfish, self-willed, strong, and unloving, and I realized how considerate and caring my husband was for me at every turn. In the past, I used to look forward to a “vigorous” life, but now I have experienced God’s care and the beauty of life in my seemingly ordinary life day after day. Three years ago, God gave us a lovely little baby, and for three years I have been studying, working, and taking care of children, and we have experienced God’s presence in the ups and downs. Not only did we come one step at a time, but our family was very loving. I would say that the greatest blessing of my life has been the knowledge of Jesus Christ. In the future journey of life, I may encounter all kinds of difficulties and trials, but I have no fear of facing tomorrow, because I am convinced that “no matter what the circumstances, I have been led by the Lord”.
直到有一天去主日崇拜,牧师讲完道後大家唱一首以前听过多次的歌:《照我本像》(Just As I Am)。那是一首词曲俱佳的歌,非常动人。那天我听著听著,眼泪就止不住地掉了下来。我知道我的时候到了。神对我一再宽容、忍耐,也因为我的硬心给我很多机会,现在我该回头、该归回了。我便说,神啊,求你赦免我的顽梗和骄傲吧,我愿意接受你做我的救主,我生命的主,我要把自己的一生都交给你,让你掌管……这是我第一次要别人“掌管”我的生命;但是,我是俯伏在天地万物的创造者面前,又有什麽可羞愧的呢?
Science and technology workers in the United States. Born in Chengdu, Sichuan, he graduated from the Department of Chemistry at Fudan University. In 1992, he went to the United States to study, and since 1995, he has been engaged in chemical research and development in the United States, serving as an R&D engineer and technical manager, and is now the director of a consulting company. In 1995, he began to touch the Chinese network, and in the past ten years, he has published a large number of articles on the Chinese network, covering religion, science, society, culture, and other aspects, and is known as the “Internet pioneer”. Guest speaker on American campuses and guest on online TV stations. He founded and managed the Gideon Connection
I have always believed that everyone’s experience of believing in the Lord can be said to be a “miracle” in itself because too many people who seem to be completely impossible to believe in the Lord have been found by the true and living God of the universe. Let’s just talk about myself, with the background of the younger generation of “intellectuals” in the mainland, and studying natural sciences, it is really all God’s grace to be able to believe in the Lord and be saved today.
I was born into a family of mainland intellectuals, and my parents both graduated from medical school after graduation, I was “assigned” to work in the Tibetan area of Sichuan, where life is difficult and the climate is “cold”. I was raised by my grandmother when I was a child, so I was able to stay in the city and get some education. When he was a child, he was an “obedient and sensible” child. When I was in middle school, the college entrance examination system had been restored, and although I was still young, I already knew in my mind that the only way out was to go to university, and I could get rid of the “fate” of going back to my parents to work . So he worked harder to study and was later admitted to Fudan University. In addition to Xi studying chemistry during college, I also struggled to absorb knowledge from other aspects and gradually became interested in Western thought and culture, and at the same time formed an “outlook on life” based on self-reliance on “personal struggle”.
At that time, although I was already suspicious and rebelled against the “official” ideology, I didn’t think much about and pursue my beliefs, and I proudly thought in my heart: “I don’t believe in anything but myself.” “After graduating from university, I returned to Chengdu to work and enter society, but I still have no faith at all. On the one hand, he wastes time in the “entertainment” of playing mahjong, but on the other hand, he is still a little “unwilling to sink”, because of the little remnant of the traditional “worrying about the country and the people” of Chinese “intellectuals” in his heart, he also wants to pursue a little “ideal”. Although the concept of “ideal” at that time was vague, it probably meant “doing something useful for the country and the people”. At that time, I thought that I was quite good, and it was better than my peers, the “Beat Generation”, who were completely indifferent to things like “ideals”.
Young intellectuals – The greatest spiritual anguish is the lack of faith in life, the confusion of the meaning of life and its value. I tried my best to get rid of this loss, but the pursuit of fame and fortune made me unable to get real satisfaction, the “entertainment” of “working people and wasting money” is tantamount to “drinking water to quench thirst”, and the state of the world in society made me realize the treacherous and sinister nature of the human heart. I began to realize that “the core of the problem is the problem of people’s hearts”, and at the same time, I saw my insignificance and pathetic: with my hopeless “human weakness”, I could not even “surpass” myself.
Amid my anguish, I was dimly aware of the need for a transcendent faith. I started reading more books on philosophy and religion. From Western philosophy to traditional Chinese thought, from Buddhism, Taoism, Lao, and Zhuang, to existentialism, and even Qigong and Destiny, I can occasionally see flashes of human wisdom, but these things do not give me the answer to the meaning of life. I also read a few books about Christianity, most of which were skeptical, critical, and even invective. The few fairer ones only introduce Christian thought as one of the spiritual pillars of the West. There is a book called “Salvation and Escape”.
From the perspective of “comparative philosophy”, the Christian belief system is “compared” with other Eastern and Western philosophical religions. Although there is no conclusion in the book, after reading it, I have a deep admiration for the Christian faith and a yearning for this belief in God. It was during this time that I was able to get some exposure to the living Christian faith by getting to know some Christians. In 1990, I went to get an amateur English tour guide license to earn some “extra money” as a “second career”. At that time, there was a Chinese escort from the British “Hovercraft Yangtze River Scientific Expedition” who hired me as an interpreter through a travel agency. The purpose of this expedition was to use hovercraft to “explore” the upper reaches of the Yangtze River, going upriver to the source of the Yangtze River.
I thought it was very interesting, and I also wanted to make some money, so I asked the unit for leave to participate in this unusual “long drift”. I later learned that almost all of the members of the group were Christians, and they had their careers and families in England. They volunteered to form a team, and each of them paid out of their pocket to come to China for this event, not for leisure purposes. In addition to scientific investigation and research in geography, geology, materials, medicine, etc., they also have an important purpose, that is, to use hovercraft, a modern means of transportation, to try to deliver medicine to isolated areas such as the upper reaches of the Yangtze River, introduce modern science and technology, and carry out humanitarian assistance. However, their activities have endured several setbacks, not only to fight against the harsh natural environment in the upper reaches of the Yangtze River but also to overcome various man-made obstacles. Despite the approval of the State Council, they still have to deal with bureaucracy and some mercenary Chinese personnel all day long, and sometimes even I, the translator, cannot help but be frustrated. But I saw that these Christians were patiently praying, looking to their God, and loving to forgive and understand others.
I spent more than a month with them in the upper reaches of the Yangtze River, and they did not have the opportunity to systematically preach the gospel to me, but I saw the strength of their faith and the positive impact of their trust in God on their lives from their attitude in the face of difficulties and dangers and from the natural outpouring of their transcendent faith. This kind of living “testimony” is far more authentic and credible than the philosophy in the books, which has made me feel good about the Christian faith, and it has also invisibly offset some preconceived preconceptions and misunderstandings. After this “long drift,” a friend of mine who was studying English told me that he had come to Christ and invited me to a “family meeting” of their young Christians in one state. I had the opportunity to meet a new generation of Chinese Christians and to see and hear how this group of young people from similar backgrounds prayed, studied, sang, and shared. However, at that time, I only had the attitude of “seeing”, and my identification with the Christian faith was still at the level of culture and knowledge, and I never thought of “believing in the Lord” and letting this faith have a relationship with my life. I came to the United States in August ’92 to study. Everyone who comes out of the mainland has a large number of twists and turns of going abroad to “pass five hurdles and kill six generals”, and I am certainly no exception.
The “retention” of the unit, the difficulty of taking the “TOEFL”, and the GRE, and applying for funding are not a problem. I waited in front of the U.S. Consulate for four days and four nights when I got a visa in Chengdu. What’s even more mysterious is that I didn’t get the second I-20 form sent to me until the afternoon of the day before my visa! Although I was not a believer at that time, I also felt a pair of loving hands leading me.
When I first arrived in the United States, I faced many difficulties at once due to the Xi of life and the loneliness of being separated from my wife. But as soon as I arrived in Alabama, “Lao Liu”, a fellow villager and fellow of the same lineage, came to pick me up at the airport. The family helped me a lot during that time, and it became a common thing for me to run here and there in a car, I soon learned that they had just become Christians at that time. Through them, I gradually got to know more Chinese and American Christian friends, and these “brothers and sisters” helped me a lot in life and spiritually, and also took me to “Bible study” and church.
I saw in them the flashes of life full of God’s love, full of peace and joy, and made me yearn for the faith behind this real life again. Studying the Bible in the Bible study allowed me to understand the basic essence of the Christian faith directly and authentically. At first, of course, I had endless questions, but because the atmosphere of the Bible study was very free and lively, I was unceremonious, and bold to ask questions and debate with my Christian friends, and the brothers and sisters always answered patiently and humbly discussed. I gradually realized my previous prejudices and misunderstandings about theism and Christianity, and I began to break through some of the barriers that I used to think of as “scientific reason”. The truth of the Bible, the comparison between evolution and creationism, the difference between Christianity and other religions – the repeated thinking and discussion made me more and more rationally agree with the Christian faith. The Bible and the words of the Lord Jesus have often shaken and touched my heart.
One Sunday in October ’92, I attended a service at a local American church. I can’t remember exactly what the American pastor said that day, but my heart was deeply touched by God’s love. When the pastor “called” after the sermon to ask those who are willing to accept the Lord Jesus at that moment to come forward, although I still have struggles in my heart and still have so many questions that I can’t understand, I am so deeply moved, I seem to be involuntary, I move to the front desk, make my decision in public, accept the Lord Jesus into my life, be my personal Savior and Lord of life, and let Him manage my life. After believing in the Lord, my life has undergone a lot of changes unconsciously, just like “blind eyes can see now”, my worldview, outlook on life, and values have been completely renewed. I used to be self-centered, morally self-righteous, and denied the existence of God, but now I know God’s creation and the sinful nature of man, and God has given me a heart of obedience to God and thanksgiving.
In the past, I searched hard for the meaning of life but found nothing, but now I can know the God who created all things in the universe and the breath of life because of the love of Jesus Christ, and through prayer and reading God’s Word and Bible, we can get close to God, experience God’s guidance in life, get God’s care every day, have a “spiritual pillar” when we are working and sorrowful, and have a source of strength when we encounter difficulties. I used to be irritable, selfish, and aggressive, but now by living in Christ and relying on God’s leading, my temper has gradually improved, and I can learn to love others in Xi church. The most obvious example is the relationship between husband and wife with his wife. Now everyone says that we are “loving and considerate”, but in fact, our original personality and temper are not so good, it is entirely because after believing in the Lord, the two of us can pray together from time to time and “obey one another” according to the teachings of the Bible, and the beautiful family life is so preserved by God. I deeply feel that becoming a Christian and being a child of God has given me the ultimate faith and purpose in my life, and it has also given me a positive attitude towards life.
My wandering soul no longer wanders, and my lost soul returns to its eternal homeland. I have been lovingly guided by God in my previous studies, job search, and current job, and I have enjoyed God’s gift of “a richer life” spiritually, this “lifestyle” has brought me a calm and stable state of mind and spiritual satisfaction and happiness beyond the environment. Looking back on the path I have traveled, I am grateful for God’s grace in me. I used to lament that fate is like “God’s dice”, but in fact, there is no “accident” with God at all. Looking back today, every step of my “journey of faith” is the traction of God’s grace and the care of God himself. God’s love makes me marvel at it, look up to it, and wish I could share it with my family and friends. Friend, if you are willing to open the door of your heart, if you truly desire to seek the truth, I believe that God will also seek you so that you too can enjoy this “amazing grace” and have this eternal life. For this is God’s will and God’s promise. “Ask, and it will be given to you, seek and find, and knock, and it will be opened to you.” (Matthew 7:7)
I often feel that the world is full of people looking out the window.
They all had a common look on their faces, empty and disappointed. Like a tired mask. When I look out the window, I seem to be indifferent to everything I see, and I am indifferent to what I see. Any streetscape is like a frivolous cloud, drifting in and out, without attracting the slightest attention from them. In their blank eyes, what they see is emptiness, and what they can’t see is trembling—a tremor that we forcibly suppress within each of us. One issue of the Times magazine published its famous cover story, “The Death of God,” which mentioned that God was not a problem and was not in danger. Prayer is the center of death, and the problem is the death of prayer. It seems that although modern people are busy pursuing spiritual things, praying to God, worshiping Buddha, burning incense, and making wishes, many of them are only attracted by the divine phantom. Some people reach out and cry out for a great desire in their hearts, but more often they are cynical atheists. We are no longer simply reaching out and praying for divine contact. So God did not die, but people no longer sought God. Yet, the tremors are still there and always will be. That’s why there is so much sorrow and helplessness in the world. But if we seek it earnestly with trembling, it is not that there is no way to ask for help. Martin Buber once said, “All men can come to God, but every man has a different entrance. Our greatest opportunity lies in our differences. God’s fullness is manifested in the infinite possible ways to reach Him. Each of these methods is open to a certain person. For years, I sought with a desire, not knowing that God was leading me to Him through my different needs—identity, family, or belonging.
It was through these nostalgias and longings in love that I finally realized that there was a longing within me, a desire for something greater than me, or a power to satisfy me. It’s the hunger and deep needs of a family, friends, and oneself that can’t be satisfied. It was with that sense of powerlessness that I began to lift my eyes to God. So I experienced that believing in God makes it hard to stay at the level of knowledge. All the answers to life come with a certain passion that touches our deep depths.
Paradoxically, while we yearn for Him in every bone of our body, longing is sometimes the greatest obstacle to drawing closer to God. We are afraid that we will create a god out of our desires, as Voltaire said, “If God does not exist, we must create Him.” But many facts prove that when falsehood arises, we have to abandon it after temporary gratification. Then, we have to face the anguish of the next pursuit. Sooner or later, we will find that what we desire is not a subjective experience that we can have in our existing plane. So C. S. Lewis said, “Longing itself is proof of God’s existence. Therefore, it is painful for intellectuals to pursue God with arguments. Since longing exists in the heart, how can it be solved with the mind? That’s a kind of heart-to-heart questioning. A prompt, a wake-up, sometimes tight and sometimes loose. But it is a real force, not vague, not seeming, but a kind of insistent truth, insisting that you face and listen. Then seek. But knowing the Lord is such a humble experience. It is like walking through a dark and secluded path, without romance and beauty, only to see your soul painful and rotten. At that moment, for the first time, I wanted to escape the pain of my soul, and I wanted to do something sharply and urgently, and it was a heart-piercing pain. At the same time, it is mixed with joy, like first love, and the heart is full of infinite joy. It is also the first mourning, a deep feeling of what a spirit of sorrow and contrite is. Originally, my knowledge of sin was always on the outside. I feel that all battles are fought in the universe of the outside world. It is the people who bear the people, and the people who bear me.
After knowing God, I realized that the greatest battle between good and evil in the world is still in the heart of man, in the depths of my heart. But this discovery made my heaven and earth tilt suddenly. All at once pushed me out into the sea from the shores I had been familiar with. And all my struggles in the sea can not be swept aside by intellect and reason. It was a reversal of life, an inner crisis, and I had to think deeply inside me that I had never faced before. also met his abyss naked for the first time, without concealment or escape. This struggle with self was the first time in my life, but it was by no means the last time on the path of faith. Of course, there will be uneasiness, because it will have to be cut off from all the familiar emotions of the past. Resolutely, unties the cable and releases the boat, enters the unknown sea, and does not know when he will be able to land again. But there is an honesty in the face of one’s sin. To face oneself without running away from it is also necessary to have a kind of illumination. The important thing is that at a certain point in the struggle, a critical point will suddenly be crossed, and in an instant, all resistance and doubts will turn into peace and obedience. In a flash, the light boat has passed the ten thousand mountains.
Looking back on myself, although I was born into a Catholic family, I have a little concept of God and a little foundation in Bible stories, but I have never actively sought to know the Lord of the universe. Unconsciously, faith was lost in my life. But faith is not the same thing, which can be lost, like losing a key or a purse. To lose the true meaning of faith is to stop using faith to shape one’s life. Wandering around, without roots and bottoms, I live like a homeless child living at home, and I don’t know my father, Heavenly Father. Eventually, I became an “outsider” of the faith, living in despair and loss. But it is clear that God has not given up on me, and He has set up clues for me to search all the way home if I change my mind one day.
I remember the day after I was baptized and the day after I “went home,” a classmate called me and asked me how I felt. Once, he and I took the same position and criticized the thriving effect of this overseas Bible study school, all because of nostalgia and recognition, so a bunch of people got together to keep warm.
At that time, I didn’t understand that I only had a “human” perspective and a narrow and shallow view of spiritual things. He must have wondered, how did I “brainwash” all at once? What I said and did was like those Christians, and I was here for real? At the time, all I could say on the phone was, “Good, I feel good now!” The words were abhorrent to the point of abhorrence. But how can I explain that the new mood is really like the spring rain and the new green, the world that I look out of my eyes is full of halos, even if the place where I live is still lonely, and the people I care about have no other arms. The external situation has not improved in the slightest, but there is a constant stream of joy flowing out of the world. How do I explain that the boundless sense of loss has disappeared in an instant, and the view of life has changed from gloomy to hopeful and that after a day, a month, a year, and another year, it will still be deeply moving? How can I explain that my belief in the Lord is not because of fear of death, but because of anxiety about life? There are two paths in front of my eyes, one that seems difficult and impossible, but gives me the strength to live.
The other is easy to look at, with no need to change, but there is hopelessness and helplessness. Is it necessary to choose the most important and avoid the light? These are all superficial when placed in words, but after being reflected in life with time, they show the weight of perseverance like a mountain and a long stream of water. The transformation of life cannot be done in two or three sentences! However, life has been completely turned upside down. * Not long after I came to faith, I was faced with the question of my future. Work, identity, and where to go? is a problems that all overseas travelers face, but every time they face it is fragile. Some people can’t find a job, so they have to go on with one degree after another, master’s degree, doctorate, or post-doctorate. Some people can live in a lonely small city that is out of the dust, and they can’t turn over for a few years. Coupled with the single status, the world is so big, and it seems that there is nowhere to live. Now, however, I find that feeling of panic gone. I learned to give and pray.
So on the one hand, I actively threw away my autobiography and looked for a job, and on the other hand, I felt that if I couldn’t find it, I would do well if I stayed at Purdue University in the Midwest of the United States. It is a sense of certainty and steadfastness about the unknown life. It wasn’t long before I heard back from Hughes Aircraft in California who asked me for an interview. In the midst of this, I learned to pray and throw stones to ask for directions. Sure enough, it didn’t take long to get the offer. However I didn’t expect to apply for status for work, and when I pulled out my diplomatic status documents for eight years in the U.S. State Department, I was surprised to find that my status had already expired. Suddenly, I became an illegal immigrant! The mistake was entirely because when my parents left, they were young, they didn’t care about anything, and they didn’t have any idea about identity documents, so they were delayed.
This is a major matter of survival in the United States! At that time, I had everything packed and ready for work, and my apartment was surrounded by walls. I sat in a pile of cardboard boxes and thought about my way out. It’s strange, obviously like a refugee, but the bottom of my heart is very calm. I know that there are thousands, tens of thousands of illegal immigrants in the United States, and they still breathe the American air, work and live as ordinary people. There are still roads, but the question is how do I go by myself? When I consulted with a Bible study counselor at the time, he mentioned that since he was a Christian, “illegality” was never a good testimony. Therefore, it is best to follow the legal route to see how to change from illegal to legal. Yes, so I contacted Hughes to see if there was anyway. The company replied that it would ask a lawyer. Alas, people are superficial, who is the company that has to pay the price, to fight for to stay? During the waiting period, the future is uncertain, but the fire of the first letter held me up, and there has always been a kind of peace in my heart. In between, a friend committed suicide and was hospitalized. Thinking that his belief in the Lord was also because of his love, he volunteered to go to the hospital to take care of her and explain his faith to her, hoping to pull her out of emotional confusion. Every day, I go out early and return late, almost forgetting that I still have unresolved matters. One day, when Fang returned home, an immigration officer came to the door. Take out a notice of deportation. This is very fatal for illegal immigrants. At that time, I was unusually calm, thinking to myself, that I had just passed through a ghost gate life and death struggle, and nothing in this world could scare me anymore.
But strangely, the six-foot-tall, blonde-haired, white-dressed immigration officer was so kind that he offered to tell me, “Don’t be afraid, you have a lot to do. For example, Hughes can help you get it back. Then he got in touch with Hughes’s lawyer on the phone, and the two of them were very pleasant. After hanging up the phone, he stressed that most people have a misconception of immigration officers, thinking that they are all cross-eyed and will carry illegal immigrants by the collar and rudely throw them out of the country. But in fact, they are very polite and have a process for doing things, so don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid. This sounded familiar, and then I remembered that it was in the Bible that an angel appeared to Mary. An immigration officer who deported me behaved like an angel? It’s grace, I know. So leaving the country is inevitable.
The world is so big, where can I go? After some thought, I chose to go back to Taiwan. After going abroad for eight years, I didn’t know that I was a guest in my dreams. I often dream that I am in Taiwan, but when I wake up, I find that I am still in a foreign land, which is very sad. Can a dream that cannot be fulfilled in eight years take shape under such circumstances? I know that this is also the fulfillment of God. However, many well-meaning friends advised me to think twice, and if I said it, I might not be able to come back, especially in Taiwan.
Is it that you can’t come back? Is it important? For a Christian, as long as he has a Bible, where can he stay in the north and south of the country? With God’s presence? Why should I be afraid? Finally, on the day of my departure, I got on a small plane that took off from Pudu, and looked out of the small window at the land that I had lived in for three years, and little by little, it became distant. All the joys, sorrows, loves, hatreds, and hatreds that have happened in them are now far away. All the shackles and shackles are also freed. I am now a bird, and my world is a wider sky. Sighing and shifting my eyes, I looked at the sun high above the clouds, and my heart was full of infinite longing.
erudite prayer and silent moments, the heart swelled with indescribable sourness. I don’t know if it’s an intensification of my feelings or if is it inspired by divine revelation, but I gradually fell in love with prayer, and the gesture of crying in my heart was so moving and painful. How incredible is this! For a “post-80s” boy who is recognized as having extreme thoughts, a strange personality, and an indifferent expression, there is the softest blood and heart. And this softness, gentleness, and true self of me is fully awakened when I face God directly. This is my inner room, this is the magic of my communication with the universe. all the outward laughter and strength, disguise and meanness, are shattered in an instant. I have seen my death at the same time, and I will see my resurrection at the same time.
The resurrection may take a long time.
I’m a mortal! I was uneasy when I suddenly realized this big problem. Even when I prayed, I thought that I had entered the supernatural realm and obtained some kind of supernatural energy, but I did not feel humbled and felt the cosmic kinship that the transcendent had bestowed upon me, and I was connected by blood. When He approached me, the mountain of my soul was moved, torn down, and returned naked with a new life. It’s all grace! Nothing but grace. If it weren’t for grace, my life, the changes in the world, the withering of plants and trees, and the movement of the planet. All of this is maintained by the benevolent protection of the first driving force. There is no greater power of faith between heaven and earth than this.
Faith in mortals takes on a new connotation for everyday life, and faith in the superman leads us to certain glory. This is the promise of the incarnation.
Although the scenery on the side of the road is bleak, a person’s trek has long forgotten the beautiful scenery, as if I have forgotten myself. I’m young, I’m on my way, I’m young, I’m longing to travel.
● The beginning of life
Individual life, as if born with a religious nature, may be strongly adhered to atheism or other discourses in the future, and you will never be able to avoid the myriad complexes of life coming from the chaos to the earth, in Dr. Leung Yin Cheng’s view, this event is the great cosmic affection. The advent of life is the greatest miracle in the universe. All the delicate arrangements and proper arrangements in the universe, all the light and rain, can be seen as a heartfelt welcome to individual life. The life that comes out of life, the light that comes out of eternity, the cold cosmic and biological laws, in the sustainment of divine love, gives dignity and breadth to life itself.
When I was young, I experienced several coming-of-age disasters. My father lived in a remote but historic village, which was once a desert outside the Zhou Dynasty. Facing a large wasteland for generations, I don’t know how many bones have been buried and how many unjust cases have been caused in this piece of yellow earth. Fei Xiang’s song “Hometown” resounded in the sky over China in the 80s, but it did not awaken people’s search for a more beautiful hometown. In the Chinese mainland in the 80s, the vigorous stories of the times were constantly unfolding against the same background, and at the center of all the stories continued to write a common theme: this ancient land, the dignity, and value of human life were devalued to a lower degree.
After the “purge” of Wen Gee, the masses have never been able to produce a deep awakening of the soul, and people yearn for real and certain comfort. In the countryside, many people enter the monastery in a hazy way, worship in front of the statue of the Buddha, and all the goods built come from the donation of each family. People do not know anything about the wisdom of the Buddha and his life, words, and deeds, and they do not know anything about the refuge of Master Hongyi and the journey of faith of Mr. Lin Yutang and only regard the Buddha as a fantasy god to seek prosperity and physical well-being in the future. The countryside in my childhood memories presents an incongruous atmosphere.
Our past and present lives have been laid out by God’s pen. He has never kept humanity in a state of chaos. In the beginning, the earth was empty and chaotic, and the Spirit of God moved on the waters, and also on every chaotic and confused land.
When my mother was young, she came to God. This was an unprecedented move at that time. Almost the whole family could not understand that the people of the clan had always cherished the deepest loyalty to the Buddha and other gods of all kinds, and were vague when asked about the reason for their hopes. Under the mysterious influence of the historical allusion to “Fengming Qishan”, too many people are in a deep-rooted haze and uncivilized state. Faith in God’s Mother shows extraordinary wisdom, tolerance, and fraternity among her neighbors, and although there is little culture, the outpouring of inner life is evident. In the ostentatious countryside, my mother always used Jesus’ teachings as the foundation of her life: blessed are the peacemakers, love God, and love your neighbor as yourself.
After their marriage, their parents have been examples for their neighbors to praise and follow. They had two older sisters, and the third baby boy died in a hurry on the first night of life. In a land where there is no truth to be revealed, any ridiculous thought can flourish: the neighbors agree that a family cannot be sustained without a boy, and the family becomes the talk of others. Due to the pressure of the world, the mother wanted to support the neighbor’s child to make up for the shortcomings.
The mother later said that it was a summer moon, she had contacted a family in the same village, and the baby boy was very cute. Unexpectedly, her hands were swollen and painful for no reason, and a piece of steamed bread was difficult to hold. She prayed, then gave up the idea, and her will was renewed: if she took the neighbor’s child at will, it would bring regret and harm to three sides in the future, and it would last for a lifetime. The mother waited with hope, and she was sure that no life would come for no reason, and no life would be meaningless.
To this day, I believe that the prayer gestures of many people who sincerely look up to God are the most touching emotions in the universe: all the love and longing that come from the heart are like rivers, and the true good and evil, tenderness and longing of human nature are also vividly presented.
It didn’t take long for my parents to have me.
Perhaps only the Mother determines how God sustains the conception and birth of a love life.
In the future, when I experienced the hardships of growing up more deeply, I was greatly comforted by the memory of my mother’s prayers. It is as if every word of the Bible is closely related to the life of an individual:
“You have made my inwards.
I am in my mother’s womb, and you have covered me.
I praise you, for I have been made wonderfully and fearfully.
Your deeds are wonderful, and I know them in my heart.
Your eyes have seen my unformed constitution. ”
Life itself is a miracle. Life science is about the ins and outs of the birth of life, and cannot give nobility and dignity to life itself. Any life, whether president or beggar, is given value and meaning by God at the beginning of life. For God, there are no accidents in life. The Christian faith holds great value for the universal values of humanity, and it is revealed by the light of God. The Bible’s first place of human beings under God’s creation, care, and redemption is more moving than the cold and flawed theory of evolution. When a criminal suddenly discovers that life is not accidental, that his birth contains the most ingenious arrangement of cosmic intelligent design, that he has a pair of divine eyes that transcend worldly judgment, and that he walks lightly into the desert of your heart with the ultimate care of tenderness, he will immediately find hope of survival. He was reborn in the Holy Kingdom.
Although at the beginning of history, there was a scene of the ancestors who turned away from God and brought endless sins and disasters to the history of mankind, however, God’s loving redemption was revealed to mankind on the cross of Jesus Christ to the highest peak so that all who confessed to Jesus Christ could be reconciled to God.
This long journey home, as a sinner, still has a considerable amount of mental road to go.
● Childhood
Memories of childhood are the best testimonies to the care and love of the Most High experienced by a simple and weak individual at the beginning of his life.
When I was three years old, my partner and I were mowing grass for silkworms in the field. The scythe cut cut my left index finger, leaving only a layer of skin attached. When the neighbor who passed by saw it, he immediately wrapped his finger in a handkerchief and took me to the village medical room, where I did not feel pain, washed, stitched, removed stitches, and healed…… One year during the Spring Festival, I fell into a large pot of radish broth that had just come out of the pot, but I did not faint, I received treatment soberly, and I clearly remembered my mother’s call to God: “Lord, save my child.” At the age of six, he suffered from jaundice and hepatitis, and his two months of traditional Chinese medicine and dripping life were unbearable, he was healthier than ordinary children, which made the attending physician feel incredible. Looking back, if it weren’t for God’s love and grace, his life would have been lost.
Many theologians who have never met God in the desert of life mistakenly believe that God created the world and human beings and that we have always been in a “state of abandonment”, and that the universe and human beings seem to have fallen into the abyss, and God has never intervened in the reality of individual life. Tom Watson’s Systematic Theology, a gift from a friend, explains God’s perfect care for his creation: “By his utmost holiness, wisdom, and power, he protects all his creation, and governs all their actions.” “There is no emotion in the universe, and it is difficult to reveal its truth beyond such a divine protection, even in the liturgical form of religion.
It was very sloppy and very warm to end my childhood.
When he was seven years old, his family moved to the provincial capital. I still remember that before leaving, my aunt gave me a bag of books: this is a Bible. Seven years in the countryside, there were simple Christian meetings every week in my house. There is no formal procedure, no indoctrination of high doctrines, just ordinary neighbors, gathered together to sing hymns and pray. Their timbre may be grotesque, their singing skills are almost nil, and they know nothing about the genre. In the eyes of common admiration and simple praise, it reflects a love and tranquility beyond the abnormal.
From an early age, he was able to sing many traditional hymns. A praise for life, what a pure and noble cosmic kinship.
In retrospect, the nourishment of the soul at that time had a powerful effect on one’s wholesome growth, and it will always make you feel in awe of the divine presence in the face of increasing materialization. The dialogue between man and God will make your soul grow stronger, and in the ever-changing times, you will always remain a free soul and never lose the essence of “man”. All the great evils and disasters in the history of mankind are in fact the result of the oppression of the soul by the flesh. When the two dimensions of the soul – spirit and spirituality, mind and emotion – have not yet been redeemed and reformed, and the physical body does whatever it wants in a limited and obscure space, man is not called human. A free soul is a prerequisite for the rebirth of the individual, as Berdyaev said: “For generations, mankind has pursued the path of freedom from slavery.” The decisive factor in this process is Jesus Christ. Mr. Lin Zhiping’s arduous journey of finding people in “Daytime Lantern” is probably the most detailed description of the return to the basics of “people”.
● From anger to redemption
In the city, it seems that everything has become strange, but it is also gradually getting closer to the truth. For the first time, I was deeply aware of the complex contained in Trakl’s poem “The Soul – the Stranger of the Earth”. In the nineties of the last century, the clarion call of reform and opening up sounded in this ancient land, nearby factories rose from the ground, and four towering iron towers pointed to the sky. From the 80s to the 90s, the uniformity of an era has changed to the popularity and swaying posture of an era, and the development trend has continued to the present. The continent that pursues the super-British and catches up with the United States, solidifies all values in GDP growth and personal pleasure, “I” can be above all things, and all things should be born and destroyed because of “me”, but refuse to adhere to the dignity and sacredness of individual life. The 5,000-year-old Chinese history has accumulated the root of national inferiority, and it is even more in line with the external extravagance interpretation to the extreme.
The community has a fresh surface every day. Almost the same face with a weird smile. The multi-million-dollar street garden is a place for people to chat and relax. Excluding this external prosperity, what is hidden inside is the flies and dogs, as well as the real insider trading. It seems that the inferior genes brewed by the ten years of catastrophe have refused to leave, and they still deduce the cannibalism between compatriots, but the disguise is more reasonable. A nearby disco was a place for men to have fun, and many witnessed a young girl named “working girl” being pulled into a “Buick” car by a group of men who were nearly kidnapped, leaving behind a miserable cry. The irony is that a certain office worker woman is a companion in Xi’an, and the man in the same unit goes to the same amusement park, and the two meet unexpectedly, and they are silent with each other.
Just like Mr. Lin’s helpless “daytime lantern”, the awakened suddenly found that in the hustle and bustle, the “person” was gone. “People” are wrapped in money, power, and sex, and have no freedom at all. I often miss the praise of my hometown, the simple people and things in my hometown, and I can only say helplessly like Zhang Ailing in “Love in a Fallen City”: “We can’t go back.” ”
In such an environment, I struggled to grow up as a teenager. Mother’s belief in God has been able to gain more and more respect here. Her virtue and intelligence have also made her much praised. When I was in elementary school, I was lonely and showed an excessively precocious tendency toward other children my age. At the same time, I profoundly discovered that there is a serious problem in China’s current education system, in the same class, there will be a division of 369 and so on, and the only criterion for division is always a score that is like blood illusion, the teacher smiles at the top students, and the corporal punishment is imposed on those who fail to pass the grades, and the students feel that their personality is trampled on, their dignity is violated, and it is hard to imagine that an education system without love has been cultivatedWhat will the “elite” look like, and how serious the psychological annihilation will be to the rest of the students. When the Maccajue case surfaced, the case of the murder of a political science and law student returned, and the extreme ecstasy of Chinese students after the “911” incident in the United States, our distorted national psychology was exposed. Then I think of the lies and drawbacks of “atheism”, because God is not present, and there is bound to be a lack of divine ultimate care in any field so that the cultivation of the quality of life of forgiveness, love, and faith cannot be found in our current education.
When I graduated from elementary school, my grandmother died. This is an old man who has been “Amitabha” all his life, treated badly by his relatives in his old age and died without complaint. Her love for me, and the filial piety of my parents to my grandmother. The past is like yesterday. I am not saddened by the death of my grandmother – death is the only way for all beings, death is a part of life, and death is the end and leap of life, as Kierkegaard said: “Each of us has to walk this way—to cross the bridge of sighs and into eternity.” “The loss of my grandmother prompted me to think more deeply about the ultimate question of life and death. The teenager is immature and difficult to bear. After settling in the aftermath and accompanying my family back from my hometown, I finished mourning for my grandmother in a small homemade box.
Perhaps, from that moment on, my memory became heavy. What comes into the faith comes from a longer period of growth later on. Whether it is joy or sorrow, sorrow or joy, all of this is still grace. There is nothing but grace.
When I was in middle school, my Chinese teacher assigned a propositional essay about the immortality of the Dead Sea. The rest of the students only analyzed from the perspective of physics and chemistry in a one-sided way, which is no different from the main text of the textbook. I thought of God’s creation, the vitality of life, and other beautiful and moving scenes, and related them to the ecological protection of the times, and wrote a “Dialogue between the Creator and Man”. Although it was praised, it also seemed to hint at the state of mind that followed with the chaos that followed. This kind of thinking was already latent in the cells of my grandmother when she died.
I traveled to many hospitals in Xi’an by my mother’s side. Occasionally sleepy, occasionally awake. The definition given by medicine made me feel funny in the future. The nurses on duty, young girls who had just graduated from medical school, judged that there were no abnormal pathologies through my fragmentary records, one chief physician scribbled the diagnosis with “depression”, and another specialist wrote “intermittent loss of consciousness”. My doubts about the nature of modern medicine as a result of this, and at the same time, I have a little more understanding of Lu Xun’s move to abandon medicine and follow literature: the two doctors with prestigious titles have no mercy, and their professional ethics make people suspicious. Modern medicine, if it lacks a divine caring orientation, is only the initiator of human troubles.
The sentence given by the medicine made me fall into an unnamed struggle for a while, and I felt a sense of hopelessness beyond words. My upbringing made it impossible for me to avoid a major breach in my life: I had a hidden disease of intermittent confusion, which would cause individuals to be unable to attain normal joy and perceive the happiness of life and the value of existence. This reminds me of the madman Nietzsche, who invented “God is dead, Superman is born” and finally died of madness; I think of Van Gogh, the impressionist master who committed suicide by drinking bombs in a delirium at the age of 37; and even Shi Lu of the Chang’an School of painting who was persecuted because of political turmoil and ran mad. These individuals who did not perceive the existence of God, or experienced the reality of God, but eventually abandoned their faith, all ended up committing suicide. The vigor of the flesh and the fame of the talent will go down in history, and the followers and admiration of the younger generations, but with the dust of history, draw a meaningful end.
In the night of life, I resolutely cannot see the morning star overhead. Mother’s faith in God has been tested like never before. All of John Bunyan’s experiments with Christians described in Pilgrim’s Progress are condensed into a mother’s concern and anxiety about her son. She still prays for me. So much so that I associated my mother with Augustine’s mother, Monica. For a while, the mother gave up her faith. The mother’s loss stems from her unforgettable love for her son, and she has a tragic episode of the prodigal son leaving home on the stage of life and faith. In the month of her departure from God, my mother said that it was the bleakest day, and she could not help herself when she thought of the praise she had received and the infinite kindness she had received. The mother immediately fell to her knees and prayed for mercy from the Lord, and no longer prayed for any satisfaction other than God, but only God Himself. The return of the prodigal son from home is also the most intimate and starry cosmic family affection.
I walked in the desert of youth in extreme anger and speculation about death. Even fantasizing about completing the last leap in life in the deep messianic complex like Haizi although it is called a leap, it is tantamount to self-destruction. This denies not only existence itself but also God who gives meaning and value to life.
God’s commandment “Thou shalt not kill” includes suicide.
The true Messianic complex is a willingness to go to the cross, where there is truth and life, and to be able to forgive the world as Jesus Christ did: “Forgive, Father. ”
● Healing light
About three years ago, I stopped taking medication and no one who communicated with me to a greater or lesser degree could connect me with the patient. The phrase “medication for life” on my medical card scares me, but it finally gives me confidence. I made the decision to wean off the medicine, and based on my mother’s persistent prayers, she sought God’s healing of me in all aspects. Mother is a smart person, and she has seen too many similar cases in the psychology subject. She was sure that the diagnosis of “depression” and “affective disorder” was true. Mother’s prayers always revolve around one theme: “Lord, His life belongs to you.” Pray that you will renew his vision of the world, give him a new creation spirit, and put perfect love in him. ”
My mother’s understanding of me stems in large part from God’s bonding for my family. People with depression are trapped in deep negative emotions, which are often caused by self-centeredness and a lack of a balanced worldview. More and more people with depression are moving towards suicide in anger and depression. All my judgments of my society are still based on self-righteousness, and even in Bai Yang’s “The Ugly Chinese”, I have found a trace of solace as the basis for my correct judgment of national character, but in the end I found that there is still no way out. The criticism that originates from the sinful nature has no light at all, but only proves the narrowness and self-esteem of human nature. The resulting depressed mood will gradually eat away at the normal functioning of the individual, becoming autistic in anger and resentment, and looking at everything around him tastelessly.
Mother prayed to God to give me perfect love. I was blown away by that.
When my reason, emotion, and will were renewed by God, I realized a great fact: all people have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory. The Bible encircles the cynical, self-righteous “me” among the “criminals,” and I realize that I am no more noble than others, and not only that, but I can touch the bitterness within. All the criticism and resentment only illustrate one fact: my love is not perfect. There is no criminal law in perfect love, and when love is perfect, it removes fear.
In the wandering of life, about God’s grace and redemption, I have an encounter from eternity and life. What a wonderful renewal, God’s perfect healing of a sinner!
St. Francis’ prayer for peace is the truest voice of all those who come to God:
“Lord, make us your instruments of peace: sow forgiveness where there is hurt, hope where there is despair, and joy where sorrow. Lord, give us what we have always dreamed of: that we should seek comfort not for comfort, not for understanding, but for understanding, not for love, but for love. Because giving is what we gain, forgiving others and we are forgiven. Such death is our rebirth. ”
●Epilogue
“There are two things, the deeper and more persistent I think about them, the more the wonder and awe they evoke in my soul will grow with each passing day: these are the stars above my head and the moral law in my heart. ”
Kant said.
For Mother, about me, and even for everyone who looks up to the stars amid great sorrow, they live out the call of their ancestors: “Lord, if my soul does not find rest in you, it will always be troubled.” ”
Looking back, it was just the first answer sheet in life. It doesn’t matter what the results are, what the victory or defeat is, participating in a feast of life, inviting to be invited to a feast of love of life, this is already infinite grace. A person’s life trek, inadvertently, receives the true consolation of Christ’s incarnation, and henceforth does not surprise words and misunderstandings, but looks at all things with a new God-given eye, blesses and prays for one another. Christ completed God’s redemption by accepting a broken me and will heal me again. Greek philosophy’s profound and exquisite argument on the “Dao”, and Lao Zhuang’s philosophy on the “Dao” argument of the mean. And only Jesus Christ, with His outstretched arms, embraces every indifferent and lonely life in the universe.
At the moment of embrace, God said there should be light, and there was light. Since then, all beings have been perfected, and all things have been sublimated.
“Death is at me, and my body is about to return to dust, eaten by worms. How unfathomable is the abyss between my deep anguish and the eternal kingdom of Christ! I am amazed that my ambition and that of Julius Caesar and Alexander the Great have vanished in the air, and that Jewish redneck, Jesus, has stretched out his hand across the ages to control the fate of mankind and nation. ”