Testimony…
Listen for 8 min
If you ask your friends whether they believe in God or not, you will be amazed to find that the reasons for the unbelievers are all similar (rationalism, materialism, etc.), while the reasons for the believers are different. Every Christian’s experience of becoming a Christian is different, and the process may seem bizarre, illogical, and flippant to non-Christian friends. But for a person who has experienced it firsthand, it is so real and believable.
Like all Chinese who were “born in New China and grew up under the red flag”, I received an atheistic education since I was a child, believed in Marxism-Leninism, and was determined to “fight for the cause of × for life”. When “the spring breeze of reform and opening up blew all over the motherland”, I was still a carefree college student. Curious and excited, I began to come into contact with a variety of “worldviews” and philosophies of life. As a result, in a short period of time, the concepts of education that had been instilled for more than ten years were abandoned by me.
Although I don’t know about it, I believe that I have embraced Western ideas such as “existentialism” and “pragmatism”. One of my favorite sayings at the time was, “Everything that exists is reasonable.” I no longer believe that there is anything absolute in the world, I believe that everything is relative: truth, right and wrong, and morality. It has become my goal to have fun and enjoy life while I am young.
All I think about all day long is how to make money and how to enjoy it. But when the coveted material life came true one by one, I found that these things were not attractive. My heart was even more empty, it was a deep emptiness in my soul. I look up to the sky: why do I exist here and now in the vast universe? If everything is accidental, and existence is absurd in the first place, then is it really like some philosophers say that suicide is the only way out?
At that time, Sanmao’s death caused confusion and confusion among my peers: how could a writer with such a successful career and so much experience think of ending his young and beautiful life? For a person who is extremely lonely in his heart, if life has no meaning in the first place, it is not a pity to end it, but on the contrary, it may be a relief.
I also thought about suicide when I was in pain, but I was reluctant to do so, and I always thought that life should be meaningful. So I became interested in religion, I read Buddhism, Taoism, and the Bible, and went to church. But none of this really freed me. I’m really like duckweed on the surface of the water, I don’t know where to float. The future has also lost its appeal to me, and my heart is restless all the time.
I came to the United States when I was desperately hopeless, empty and confused on the road of life. That’s because soon after I got married, my husband went to the United States to study, and half a year later, I also gave up my job in China to visit relatives in the United States to reunite with my husband. I never had much hope for the United States. In my impression, the United States is a desert of “spiritual civilization”, although its “material civilization” is leading in the world. The United States, as I know it through the eyes of an American modernist novelist, is a country where everyone is constantly on the run and desperately striving for fame and fortune (or the so-called “realization of self-worth”). And after having fame and fortune, they either go to the absurd or embrace nothingness. So I believe my answer is not in the United States.
However, the United States is a strange world after all, and since my husband has chosen to Xi study there, I am willing to “go out” to see it. To my great surprise, however, my husband had only been there for a few months when he told me in our “Wild Goose Story” that he had “believed” and become a Christian. This news surprised me, because I always felt that my husband was a thoughtful person who would not easily be superstitious and blindly believed.
This news also made me a little sad: How did my husband, a “man who understands,” suddenly become a slave of religion? I think he must have chosen religion because he was too lonely, too much in need of love, and empty in heart. I was heartbroken for him. At the same time, I also made up my mind that I must give my husband more love and care and drag him back from the church. At that time, I mailed my husband dozens of kilograms of Chinese books, which I believed belonged to “the essence of human civilization for thousands of years”. I hope that with this “spiritual food”, Mr. will no longer need religion as a “spiritual opium”. I am also prepared that when I arrive in the United States, I must use tender love to “save” my husband from the religion I don’t want to believe.
After I came to the United States, my husband seemed to be more and more convinced, and there was no sign of me being “redeemed”. It was I who came into contact with Christians and the Christian faith because my husband attended Bible study every week. My husband studied in Tower City, a small college town in Alabama. There’s a small Chinese Bible study class there: the Tacheng Chinese Christian Fellowship. As soon as I entered this Bible study class, I was immediately attracted by the warm and friendly atmosphere, and at the same time, I was surprised that most of the members of the Bible study class were international students and professors at the university where my husband studied. They were all energetic, confident, and capable, not illiterate or weak women, as I had imagined. Curious about the Christian faith, coupled with being drawn to Christian love, I went to Bible study almost every week, and because I wasn’t in school at the time, I had time to read a little bit of the Bible.
10,000 reasons, but I don’t think I need to be Christian. What are the benefits of being a Christian? Peace of mind? I feel that I have always been a person who is content and happy with what comes his way. To understand the sinful nature of human beings, I have long confessed that “no one is a saint or a sage.” “I confess that although I don’t kill people or set fires, I’m inherently sinful. But since everyone is like this, I’m not ashamed of it, and I don’t want to change. And I’m better than some Christians in many ways? I have self-discipline and I don’t need religion to do good.
As for heaven and hell, I think that’s a myth at all, and I don’t care about anything so far away and unfathomable. What’s more, if there is only absolute beauty in heaven, then what is the value of beauty? Beauty must be opposed to ugliness to show its beauty. Isn’t it too boring for believers in heaven to be with God every day, and all they do is sing songs and praises? More importantly, if I want to believe in one religion, why do I have to believe in Christianity? There are so many religions in the world that all say they are true, how can I know which one is true? In short, I have a thousand reasons not to believe, but none of them have one reason to believe.
Almost everyone from the mainland has had a similar experience: we used to believe some “beautiful” lies very, very innocently. When the old faith is smashed, it is very difficult to re-establish the faith, because it is very difficult to believe what the deceived people believe, not to mention the superficial similarities between the old and the new faith.
I remember when I first came to the United States, I attended a gospel camp and one of the speakers asked, “Have you ever seen a counterfeit seven-dollar bill?” and everyone replied in unison, “No.” Then the speaker asked, “Why not?” and no one knew how to answer. The speaker said, “Because there is no truth, there is no false.” This made me ponder: Is the existence of so many false gods in the world a proof of the existence of a true God? Moreover, everything that is “fake and shoddy” always tries to imitate the real thing in appearance. It is often said that the most brilliant liar is one percent lie mixed with ninety-nine percent truth. Because there is a fake, even if people encounter the real one, they will doubt it and can’t believe it, is it because I have encountered the fake one, and I can’t even believe the truth?
I have also seen such a “bet theory” (it is said that the original words were said by the great French thinker Pascal): If there is a God, you will make a lot of money if you become a Christian, but if you are not a Christian, you will be miserable; if there is no God, you will have peace and joy as a Christian all your life, and there is no harm in it, so you will only make money and not lose money by betting on “faith…… But I can’t bet on my faith. I still don’t want to be blindly trusted.
I read a lot of books and wanted to seek the truth. I have read “Ironclad Evidence”, which is of great help to many people, and I no longer doubt the authenticity of the Bible; I have read “Scientific Creationism” and no longer have superstitious beliefs about the “theory of evolution”; I have read “The World’s Major Religions”, “The Comparison between Christianity and Islam”, “The Book of Mormon”, etc., and have gained more knowledge and understanding of other non-Christian religious beliefs. I also read some expository books while reading the Bible, which was also very helpful in answering some of the questions in the Bible that have been bothering me.
Many of the obstacles to reason have been removed, but I still don’t want to become a Christian. Emotionally, many Christians around me have set a good example for me, and I want to be able to love each other with them and love others as they do. But why am I still reluctant to become a Christian? Looking back now, behind many excuses, it was my hard-hearted refusal to accept God. Because deep down I knew very well that being a Christian meant that I no longer belonged to this world and that I had to say goodbye to my past. And I still have too much nostalgia for the world and my past, and there are too many things that are difficult to let go of.
Another “reason” was that I was preparing for the GRE test at the time, and I wanted to take the test on my ability, to prove that I was relying on strength rather than relying on God’s protection, and to achieve my dream of going to school. It has been said that faith has several aspects: feelings, reason, and will. Indeed, even when I was emotionally and intellectually attached to the Christian faith, I still “chose” not to believe in God—a decision made by the will.
Someone said to me that your husband believed in the Lord before you, and it should be logical for you to be influenced by him and become a Christian again. My husband knows this best: I am a person with a particularly heavy “rebellious mentality” and likes to raise the bar with others. If you say that Christianity is bad, I may “defend” Christians, and if you say that it is good to be a Christian, I will try to find a reason to oppose it. So I went to Bible study for more than a year, and every time I was willing to argue with others, I became a “senior catechumen” who was an old “seeker” and did not believe in the Lord. My husband is an anxious person, but when it comes to my faith, he knows that I can’t be in a hurry, so he is quite calm and never pushes me.
That Christmas I went with my husband to Atlanta to attend a Christian meeting. Because I was not yet a Christian, I had to attend “catechumens.” Most of the people in this class had just come to the United States from China and had little understanding of Christianity and the Bible. The questions I asked seemed to me to be “rudimentary” and superficial, questions that had been asked countless times by others and that I had heard Christians answer countless times. I couldn’t resist “helping” the presiding Christian’s answer, which made people wonder why I hadn’t come to faith yet. On the last day of the meeting, a pastor we knew said he was going to lead me in prayer. I was immediately “alert” and knew what a “decision” was. I quickly affirmed that I would not make up my mind, and the pastor laughed and said that we could still pray together. So I prayed to the pastor, “God if you really exist, help me and open my heart so that I may know you and receive you.”
Coming back from that party, I was busy preparing for the GRE again. There was no particular emotion, no miracles, and I forgot to pray to the pastor, just listening to my husband pray for my exams every day before going to bed. My English foundation is not very good, it is really sad to take the GRE, and I often worry about not making progress in Xi for a long time, but my husband’s prayers and encouragement give me a lot of comfort.
One day when we went to Sunday service, after the pastor finished the sermon, everyone sang a song that they had heard many times before: “Just As I Am.” It was a song with great lyrics, and it was very moving. As I listened that day, tears began to fall. I knew my time had come. God has been patient with me again and again, and because of my hard heart, I have given me many opportunities, and now it is time for me to turn back, to return. Then I said, “Forgive me, O God, my stubbornness and my pride, and I will accept you as my Savior, and the Lord of my life, and I will give you my whole life to be in charge of you…… This is the first time I have asked someone else to “take control” of my life, but what is there to be ashamed of when I am prostrated before the Creator of heaven and earth?
The GRE test in February was fast approaching, and as I had done every time I faced an important test, I felt that I was not fully prepared, I was very nervous, and I was afraid that my mind would go blank when I went to the test room. After the exam, I left the examination room, and my husband, who was waiting outside, came over and asked me how I felt. I said that I was a little nervous when I first entered the examination room, so I started praying, and then I didn’t feel nervous at all, and I answered the questions very quickly, and many of the questions seemed to be “déjà vu”, and I couldn’t remember where I saw them. The gentleman didn’t say much. When the results came down, the score was far better than when I usually did the mock test, which can be said to be “super level performance”. My husband and I knew in our hearts that it was God’s gift for my little weak faith that I had first believed. So, having just come to faith and most afraid to speak in front of people, I testified in the church fellowship that “I found favor at the first faith.”
The lonely earth looks back on the road he has traveled in this life, and it can be said that it is very smooth. I grew up in a harmonious family, my parents loved me, and my siblings were close to each other. My studies have been smooth sailing, from primary school to university, I have always been a good student and class cadre in the class, and after graduation, I was assigned to work in a research unit in my hometown with an absolute counterpart, and I was also reused by the leaders and listed as a “key training object”. When I reached the age of marriage, I married a gentleman who loved me and loved me, and had good quality and character. In the eyes of the world, I have everything I should have materially and spiritually, and I should be very satisfied. But why do I still feel empty and irritable, and why do I still feel a lingering sorrow in the bustling streets, after a short period of happiness?
In the past, I thought that this was because the earth was lonely in the vast universe, so people on the earth also had an innate loneliness and despair. Now I realize that I have this feeling of loneliness and hopelessness because I have left God, so I have no peace of mind. As the philosopher said, there is a hole in the human heart, and this hole cannot be filled with anything in the world – money, fame, health, friendship, family affection, love – only God can fill it. I think it’s because we are God’s creation, and in his own image. He puts the “Spirit” in our hearts, so that we will only find true satisfaction and peace when our Spirit is connected and communed with God.
Ever since I came to know God, I have finally found my place in life, and since then my wandering mind has found peace. I know where I’m coming from, where I’m going, and I know the true meaning of life. I began to learn to cherish every day of my life and my marriage even more. When I got married, I didn’t have the luxury of having a happy marriage, because I didn’t believe that there would be any happy marriages in the world, and I didn’t believe in the “fairy tale ending” of “staying together for life” and “growing old”.
After I became a Christian, I came to realize that I was selfish, self-willed, strong, and unloving, and I realized how considerate and caring my husband was for me at every turn. In the past, I used to look forward to a “vigorous” life, but now I have experienced God’s care and the beauty of life in my seemingly ordinary life day after day. Three years ago, God gave us a lovely little baby, and for three years I have been studying, working, and taking care of children, and we have experienced God’s presence in the ups and downs. Not only did we come one step at a time, but our family was very loving. I would say that the greatest blessing of my life has been the knowledge of Jesus Christ. In the future journey of life, I may encounter all kinds of difficulties and trials, but I have no fear of facing tomorrow, because I am convinced that “no matter what the circumstances, I have been led by the Lord”.
