Testimony…

恩典见证 25.生…

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莫非 常觉这世上到处充满望向窗外的人。

他们脸上都有一共同神情，空洞而失望。像一疲倦的面具。望出窗外的眼神，似乎对什麽都视若无睹，对所见也无动於衷。任何街景皆似轻浮之云，飘进又飘出，引不起他们丁点注意。 在他们的呆视里，看到的是空洞，看不见的是抖颤──在我们每个人内里，一个被我们强压抑下去的抖颤。 有一期时代杂誌，刊出它著名的封面故事「上帝之死」，提到上帝说实在并不是问题，也未濒临危险。祷告才是阵亡的中心，问题应在於祷告之死亡。 好像也是，现代人虽忙著追求属灵之事，求神、拜佛、烧香、许愿，但很多只为神圣魅影给吸引。

也有人是为内心巨大渴望，给摧逼地伸手求告，但更多的是玩世不恭的无神论者。我们已不再单纯的为想与神圣接触而伸手祷告了。 所以上帝没有死亡，是人们已不再寻求上帝了。 然而，抖颤仍在，且永远都在。所以世间悲苦无奈如此多。 但若循著抖颤认真寻求起来，却并非求告无门。马丁、布伯就曾说：「所有人都可以来到神面前，但每个人都有不同的进口。我们最大的机会，就在於我们的不同。上帝的全面，就彰显在无限可能走向祂的方式中。每一个方式，都向某一个人开放。」 多年来，我怀著渴望寻求，并不知那是神在经由我不同的需要──身分、家庭、或归属感──来带领我归向祂。

也正是透过这些乡愁与在爱里的渴望，我终於了悟：在我里面有个渴望，是渴望一比我更大的东西或力量来满足我。是那样一个家人、朋友、自己都无法满足的饥饿与深层需要。也是在那样一种无力感下，我才开始举目望神。 所以我体验到相信上帝，很难只停留在知识层面。所有的生命答案，都带有某种激情来触动我们的深层内里。 但矛盾的是，虽然我们全身每一根骨头都渴求祂，但渴望，有时也是走近神的最大障碍。我们很怕是因著自己的渴望，而创造出一个神，像伏尔泰所说的：「若上帝不存在，我们便必须创造祂。」 然而许多事实證明，当虚假出现，暂时满足後我们便得抛弃。然後，又要面临下一个追求的苦恼。迟早，我们会发现我们所渴求的，不是一个我们可在现有时空中拥有的主观经验。

所以路易师说：「渴望本身，就是神存在的證明。」 也因此对知识份子来说，用辩證来追寻神是痛苦的。渴望既然存在心里，如何能用头脑来解决？ 那是一种心头叩问。一个提示，一个唤醒，时紧时松。但却是一真实力量，决不模糊，也非似乎，而是一种坚持的真实，坚持著你去面对，去倾听。然後寻求。 然而认识主，是那样一个谦卑的经验。似走过一黑暗幽道，没有浪漫与美丽，只望见自己的灵魂痛苦又腐烂。在那一刻，我初次会想脱逃出自己灵魂的痛苦，尖锐、迫切的想做些什麽，那是一种扎心的痛。同时混合著喜悦，像初恋，心中充满无限地喜悦。也是初恸，深深感觉什麽是哀伤痛悔的灵。

原本对罪的认识，我总停留於外在。觉得一切争战，是在外界的宇宙中进行。是人负人，是人负我。认识神後，方使我了解世上最大的善恶之争，仍在人的内里，在我心灵深处。 但这一发现，却使我天地骤然间倾斜。一下子把我由过去熟悉的海岸给推下了海。而我在海中的所有挣扎，绝非靠智识与理智可以扫到一边。那是一种生命的翻转，一个内在危机，在我内里必须作从未曾面对过的深层思考。

也与自己的深渊初次赤裸裸地相遇，一无遮掩，也无可逃逸。 这样的与自我挣扎，可说是我生命中的初次，但却绝非信仰路上的最後一次。当然会有不安，因必须与过去所有熟悉情绪一刀切断。毅然，解缆放舟，进入未知的大海，且不知何时能再登岸。 但面对自己的罪，是一种诚实。面对自己而不逃避，也须一种光照。重要的是，挣扎到了某一刻，会忽然跨过一个临界点，瞬间，所有抵禦与疑问，会转为祥和与顺服。 一悠忽，轻舟已过万重山。

生命是如此翻转(二)

莫非 回首自己，虽出生在天主教家庭，有一点上帝观念，一点圣经故事根基，但因从未主动寻求与那宇宙中的主宰素面相识。不自觉间，信仰由我的生命中流失了。 但信仰也不是一样东西，任人可以失去，像失去一把钥匙、一个皮包。失去信仰真正的意义，便是停止用信仰来形塑自我的生活。东飘西荡，没根没底，我活的像个住在家中的流浪儿，一点不认识自己的父亲，天父。 至後来，我已渐成信仰的「外人」了，活得绝望而失落。但很明显的，上帝并未放弃我，祂为我一路预留线索，以供我有一天若改变心意，仍能搜寻著一路找回家。

犹记受洗次日，也是「回家」次日，一个同学打电话给我，问我感觉如何？我知他为什麽问。曾经我和他立於同一立场大放厥词，批评这海外查经班的兴旺效应，全缘由乡愁与认同，才一堆人聚在一起取暖。那时，我不了解我只有「人」的视野与角度，把属灵之事看得又扁又浅。 他想必好奇，我怎麽也一下给「洗脑」了？说的、作的，全像那些基督徒一样，我是来真的麽？ 当时，电话上我只回说：「很好，我现感觉很好！」词彙贫穷至可憎。 但是，我如何解释那崭新心情真像春雨新绿？眼中望出去的世界处处浮有一层光晕？即使所住之处仍是孤灯独陋，所在乎之人已别有怀抱。

外界境遇并无丁点好转，然而，却不断有一股喜悦泊泊地流出？ 我如何解释那种不著边际的失落感已瞬间消失，对生命看法由灰黯转为无尽希望，且过了一天、一月、一年，再一年後，仍会有深深的感动？ 我更如何解释我之信主，不是因为对死亡恐惧，而是对生命不安。在我眼前摆清了两条路，一条望来艰难不可能，但赋予我生命力量。另一条望来容易，不用转变，但有绝望的无奈。选择自是必须就重避轻？ 这些，置入话语中全只显得轻飘肤浅，但在生活中用时间来体现後，却显出如山坚毅，如水长流的份量。生命转变，实非可用两、叁句话语就可打发的呀！ 然而生命，却就此完完全全地翻转了。

信主後没多久，我便面对前途问题。工作、身分，何去何从？是所有海外遊子会面对，却每面对都显脆弱不堪的问题。有人找不到工作，只好一个又一个学位唸下去，硕士、博士、後博士。有人为熬身分，可栖身一息影绝尘的孤清小城，一待数年不得翻身。再加上单身身分，天下之大，更显飘絮般的无处存身。 然而现在，我发现自己那种心慌感没了。

我学会交托，祷告。所以一方面积极往外丢自传，找工作，一方面又觉得若找不到，留在美国中西部的普渡大学也会过得很好。那是一种对未知生命有一种笃定与踏实的感觉。 没多久，便收到加州休斯飞机(Hughes Aircraft)公司的回音了，找我去面试。在这其中，我学会用祷告投石问路。果然没多久便顺利拿到聘约。却没想到为工作得申请身分，而一下翻出我压在美国国务院八年的外交身分文件，意外的发现我身分早已过期了。顿时，我成为一个非法移民！ 错误完全出在於父母离开时，年纪轻，不管事，对身分文件太没概念，所以耽误了。

这可是在美攸关生存的大事啊！ 那时，我所有东西原已打包準备上任，公寓里家徒四壁。我坐在一堆纸箱中，思索自己的出路。奇怪，明明像个难民，心底却平静的不得了。我知在美非法移民上千、上万，仍然呼吸著美国空气，工作、过日子一如常人。路其实还是有的，问题是我自己要怎麽走法？ 去请教当时的查经班辅导，他提到：既然已是基督徒，「非法」绝不是一个好的见證。所以，最好是循法律途径，看如何由非法转为合法。 也对，於是我联络休斯公司，看有什麽途径没有。公司方面回说要询问律师。唉！人浮於事，有谁是公司非要不可，愿意付代价来争取留下的？等待期间前途未卜，但初信时的一把热火托住了我，一直有一种平安在心里悠著。

在这之间，一位朋友为情自杀住院了。想到自己信主也是因为情殇，於是自愿跑医院照顾她，向她解说信仰，希望能把她由情感困惑中拉拔出来。每一天早出晚归，几乎忘了自己尚有悬而未决之事。 一日，方回到家，赫然有一移民官上门。拿出一纸递解出境的通知令。这对非法移民是很要命的。当时我冷静异常，心想，刚经过一场鬼门关生死鬥，这世上再也没有什麽事吓得到我了。 但奇怪的是，这六呎高，金髮，一身西装的白人移民官竟十分和善，他主动告诉我：「不要害怕，妳有许多路可走。比如说：休斯公司便可以再帮妳办回来。」然後他便与休斯公司的律师电话联繫，两下竟讲得十分愉快。 掛了电话後，他强调一般人对移民官有个错误印象，以为他们都是横眉竖眼，会拎著非法移民的衣领，粗暴地扔出境外。

但实际上他们是很有礼貌的，且作事有一道道程序，所以，不要怕。 不要怕？这句话听来熟悉，後才想起是在圣经上，天使出现对马利亚所说的话。一个递解我出境的移民官，居然表现的像个天使？这是恩典，我知道。 於是出境是必然。天下之大，我能去哪？ 经过一番思索，我选择回台湾。出国八年，梦里不知身是客。

常梦到自己身在台湾，醒来却发觉自己仍在异乡，很是惘然。一个八年圆不了的梦，会在这种情况下成形麽？我知这也是神的成全。 但许多好心朋友劝我叁思，说出去了，就不见得回得来，尤其是台湾。 是麽？回不来？重要麽？对一个基督徒来说，只要带一本圣经，大江南北哪里不能待？既有神的同在？吾何惧哉？ 终於，到了离去的那一天，我坐上由普渡起飞的小飞机，由小窗中望著寄居叁年的大地，一点、一点地变得遥远。所有曾发生其中的喜怒哀乐，爱恨情仇，现也都远了。所有的束缚与牵绊，也全解脱了。我现是鸟，我的世界是更宽阔的天空。 叹一口气，转移眼光，我望向云端高处的阳光，浩浩乎凭虚御风，心中充满无限的嚮往

Testimony…

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erudite prayer and silent moments, the heart swelled with indescribable sourness. I don’t know if it’s an intensification of my feelings or if is it inspired by divine revelation, but I gradually fell in love with prayer, and the gesture of crying in my heart was so moving and painful. How incredible is this! For a “post-80s” boy who is recognized as having extreme thoughts, a strange personality, and an indifferent expression, there is the softest blood and heart. And this softness, gentleness, and true self of me is fully awakened when I face God directly. This is my inner room, this is the magic of my communication with the universe. all the outward laughter and strength, disguise and meanness, are shattered in an instant. I have seen my death at the same time, and I will see my resurrection at the same time.

The resurrection may take a long time.

I’m a mortal! I was uneasy when I suddenly realized this big problem. Even when I prayed, I thought that I had entered the supernatural realm and obtained some kind of supernatural energy, but I did not feel humbled and felt the cosmic kinship that the transcendent had bestowed upon me, and I was connected by blood. When He approached me, the mountain of my soul was moved, torn down, and returned naked with a new life. It’s all grace! Nothing but grace. If it weren’t for grace, my life, the changes in the world, the withering of plants and trees, and the movement of the planet. All of this is maintained by the benevolent protection of the first driving force. There is no greater power of faith between heaven and earth than this.

Faith in mortals takes on a new connotation for everyday life, and faith in the superman leads us to certain glory. This is the promise of the incarnation.

Although the scenery on the side of the road is bleak, a person’s trek has long forgotten the beautiful scenery, as if I have forgotten myself. I’m young, I’m on my way, I’m young, I’m longing to travel.

● The beginning of life

Individual life, as if born with a religious nature, may be strongly adhered to atheism or other discourses in the future, and you will never be able to avoid the myriad complexes of life coming from the chaos to the earth, in Dr. Leung Yin Cheng’s view, this event is the great cosmic affection. The advent of life is the greatest miracle in the universe. All the delicate arrangements and proper arrangements in the universe, all the light and rain, can be seen as a heartfelt welcome to individual life. The life that comes out of life, the light that comes out of eternity, the cold cosmic and biological laws, in the sustainment of divine love, gives dignity and breadth to life itself.

When I was young, I experienced several coming-of-age disasters. My father lived in a remote but historic village, which was once a desert outside the Zhou Dynasty. Facing a large wasteland for generations, I don’t know how many bones have been buried and how many unjust cases have been caused in this piece of yellow earth. Fei Xiang’s song “Hometown” resounded in the sky over China in the 80s, but it did not awaken people’s search for a more beautiful hometown. In the Chinese mainland in the 80s, the vigorous stories of the times were constantly unfolding against the same background, and at the center of all the stories continued to write a common theme: this ancient land, the dignity, and value of human life were devalued to a lower degree.

After the “purge” of Wen Gee, the masses have never been able to produce a deep awakening of the soul, and people yearn for real and certain comfort. In the countryside, many people enter the monastery in a hazy way, worship in front of the statue of the Buddha, and all the goods built come from the donation of each family. People do not know anything about the wisdom of the Buddha and his life, words, and deeds, and they do not know anything about the refuge of Master Hongyi and the journey of faith of Mr. Lin Yutang and only regard the Buddha as a fantasy god to seek prosperity and physical well-being in the future. The countryside in my childhood memories presents an incongruous atmosphere.

Our past and present lives have been laid out by God’s pen. He has never kept humanity in a state of chaos. In the beginning, the earth was empty and chaotic, and the Spirit of God moved on the waters, and also on every chaotic and confused land.

When my mother was young, she came to God. This was an unprecedented move at that time. Almost the whole family could not understand that the people of the clan had always cherished the deepest loyalty to the Buddha and other gods of all kinds, and were vague when asked about the reason for their hopes. Under the mysterious influence of the historical allusion to “Fengming Qishan”, too many people are in a deep-rooted haze and uncivilized state. Faith in God’s Mother shows extraordinary wisdom, tolerance, and fraternity among her neighbors, and although there is little culture, the outpouring of inner life is evident. In the ostentatious countryside, my mother always used Jesus’ teachings as the foundation of her life: blessed are the peacemakers, love God, and love your neighbor as yourself.

After their marriage, their parents have been examples for their neighbors to praise and follow. They had two older sisters, and the third baby boy died in a hurry on the first night of life. In a land where there is no truth to be revealed, any ridiculous thought can flourish: the neighbors agree that a family cannot be sustained without a boy, and the family becomes the talk of others. Due to the pressure of the world, the mother wanted to support the neighbor’s child to make up for the shortcomings.

The mother later said that it was a summer moon, she had contacted a family in the same village, and the baby boy was very cute. Unexpectedly, her hands were swollen and painful for no reason, and a piece of steamed bread was difficult to hold. She prayed, then gave up the idea, and her will was renewed: if she took the neighbor’s child at will, it would bring regret and harm to three sides in the future, and it would last for a lifetime. The mother waited with hope, and she was sure that no life would come for no reason, and no life would be meaningless.

To this day, I believe that the prayer gestures of many people who sincerely look up to God are the most touching emotions in the universe: all the love and longing that come from the heart are like rivers, and the true good and evil, tenderness and longing of human nature are also vividly presented.

It didn’t take long for my parents to have me.

Perhaps only the Mother determines how God sustains the conception and birth of a love life.

In the future, when I experienced the hardships of growing up more deeply, I was greatly comforted by the memory of my mother’s prayers. It is as if every word of the Bible is closely related to the life of an individual:

“You have made my inwards.

I am in my mother’s womb, and you have covered me.

I praise you, for I have been made wonderfully and fearfully.

Your deeds are wonderful, and I know them in my heart.

Your eyes have seen my unformed constitution. ”

Life itself is a miracle. Life science is about the ins and outs of the birth of life, and cannot give nobility and dignity to life itself. Any life, whether president or beggar, is given value and meaning by God at the beginning of life. For God, there are no accidents in life. The Christian faith holds great value for the universal values of humanity, and it is revealed by the light of God. The Bible’s first place of human beings under God’s creation, care, and redemption is more moving than the cold and flawed theory of evolution. When a criminal suddenly discovers that life is not accidental, that his birth contains the most ingenious arrangement of cosmic intelligent design, that he has a pair of divine eyes that transcend worldly judgment, and that he walks lightly into the desert of your heart with the ultimate care of tenderness, he will immediately find hope of survival. He was reborn in the Holy Kingdom.

Although at the beginning of history, there was a scene of the ancestors who turned away from God and brought endless sins and disasters to the history of mankind, however, God’s loving redemption was revealed to mankind on the cross of Jesus Christ to the highest peak so that all who confessed to Jesus Christ could be reconciled to God.

This long journey home, as a sinner, still has a considerable amount of mental road to go.

● Childhood

Memories of childhood are the best testimonies to the care and love of the Most High experienced by a simple and weak individual at the beginning of his life.

When I was three years old, my partner and I were mowing grass for silkworms in the field. The scythe cut cut my left index finger, leaving only a layer of skin attached. When the neighbor who passed by saw it, he immediately wrapped his finger in a handkerchief and took me to the village medical room, where I did not feel pain, washed, stitched, removed stitches, and healed…… One year during the Spring Festival, I fell into a large pot of radish broth that had just come out of the pot, but I did not faint, I received treatment soberly, and I clearly remembered my mother’s call to God: “Lord, save my child.” At the age of six, he suffered from jaundice and hepatitis, and his two months of traditional Chinese medicine and dripping life were unbearable, he was healthier than ordinary children, which made the attending physician feel incredible. Looking back, if it weren’t for God’s love and grace, his life would have been lost.

Many theologians who have never met God in the desert of life mistakenly believe that God created the world and human beings and that we have always been in a “state of abandonment”, and that the universe and human beings seem to have fallen into the abyss, and God has never intervened in the reality of individual life. Tom Watson’s Systematic Theology, a gift from a friend, explains God’s perfect care for his creation: “By his utmost holiness, wisdom, and power, he protects all his creation, and governs all their actions.” “There is no emotion in the universe, and it is difficult to reveal its truth beyond such a divine protection, even in the liturgical form of religion.

It was very sloppy and very warm to end my childhood.

When he was seven years old, his family moved to the provincial capital. I still remember that before leaving, my aunt gave me a bag of books: this is a Bible. Seven years in the countryside, there were simple Christian meetings every week in my house. There is no formal procedure, no indoctrination of high doctrines, just ordinary neighbors, gathered together to sing hymns and pray. Their timbre may be grotesque, their singing skills are almost nil, and they know nothing about the genre. In the eyes of common admiration and simple praise, it reflects a love and tranquility beyond the abnormal.

From an early age, he was able to sing many traditional hymns. A praise for life, what a pure and noble cosmic kinship.

In retrospect, the nourishment of the soul at that time had a powerful effect on one’s wholesome growth, and it will always make you feel in awe of the divine presence in the face of increasing materialization. The dialogue between man and God will make your soul grow stronger, and in the ever-changing times, you will always remain a free soul and never lose the essence of “man”. All the great evils and disasters in the history of mankind are in fact the result of the oppression of the soul by the flesh. When the two dimensions of the soul – spirit and spirituality, mind and emotion – have not yet been redeemed and reformed, and the physical body does whatever it wants in a limited and obscure space, man is not called human. A free soul is a prerequisite for the rebirth of the individual, as Berdyaev said: “For generations, mankind has pursued the path of freedom from slavery.” The decisive factor in this process is Jesus Christ. Mr. Lin Zhiping’s arduous journey of finding people in “Daytime Lantern” is probably the most detailed description of the return to the basics of “people”.

● From anger to redemption

In the city, it seems that everything has become strange, but it is also gradually getting closer to the truth. For the first time, I was deeply aware of the complex contained in Trakl’s poem “The Soul – the Stranger of the Earth”. In the nineties of the last century, the clarion call of reform and opening up sounded in this ancient land, nearby factories rose from the ground, and four towering iron towers pointed to the sky. From the 80s to the 90s, the uniformity of an era has changed to the popularity and swaying posture of an era, and the development trend has continued to the present. The continent that pursues the super-British and catches up with the United States, solidifies all values in GDP growth and personal pleasure, “I” can be above all things, and all things should be born and destroyed because of “me”, but refuse to adhere to the dignity and sacredness of individual life. The 5,000-year-old Chinese history has accumulated the root of national inferiority, and it is even more in line with the external extravagance interpretation to the extreme.

The community has a fresh surface every day. Almost the same face with a weird smile. The multi-million-dollar street garden is a place for people to chat and relax. Excluding this external prosperity, what is hidden inside is the flies and dogs, as well as the real insider trading. It seems that the inferior genes brewed by the ten years of catastrophe have refused to leave, and they still deduce the cannibalism between compatriots, but the disguise is more reasonable. A nearby disco was a place for men to have fun, and many witnessed a young girl named “working girl” being pulled into a “Buick” car by a group of men who were nearly kidnapped, leaving behind a miserable cry. The irony is that a certain office worker woman is a companion in Xi’an, and the man in the same unit goes to the same amusement park, and the two meet unexpectedly, and they are silent with each other.

Just like Mr. Lin’s helpless “daytime lantern”, the awakened suddenly found that in the hustle and bustle, the “person” was gone. “People” are wrapped in money, power, and sex, and have no freedom at all. I often miss the praise of my hometown, the simple people and things in my hometown, and I can only say helplessly like Zhang Ailing in “Love in a Fallen City”: “We can’t go back.” ”

In such an environment, I struggled to grow up as a teenager. Mother’s belief in God has been able to gain more and more respect here. Her virtue and intelligence have also made her much praised. When I was in elementary school, I was lonely and showed an excessively precocious tendency toward other children my age. At the same time, I profoundly discovered that there is a serious problem in China’s current education system, in the same class, there will be a division of 369 and so on, and the only criterion for division is always a score that is like blood illusion, the teacher smiles at the top students, and the corporal punishment is imposed on those who fail to pass the grades, and the students feel that their personality is trampled on, their dignity is violated, and it is hard to imagine that an education system without love has been cultivatedWhat will the “elite” look like, and how serious the psychological annihilation will be to the rest of the students. When the Maccajue case surfaced, the case of the murder of a political science and law student returned, and the extreme ecstasy of Chinese students after the “911” incident in the United States, our distorted national psychology was exposed. Then I think of the lies and drawbacks of “atheism”, because God is not present, and there is bound to be a lack of divine ultimate care in any field so that the cultivation of the quality of life of forgiveness, love, and faith cannot be found in our current education.

When I graduated from elementary school, my grandmother died. This is an old man who has been “Amitabha” all his life, treated badly by his relatives in his old age and died without complaint. Her love for me, and the filial piety of my parents to my grandmother. The past is like yesterday. I am not saddened by the death of my grandmother – death is the only way for all beings, death is a part of life, and death is the end and leap of life, as Kierkegaard said: “Each of us has to walk this way—to cross the bridge of sighs and into eternity.” “The loss of my grandmother prompted me to think more deeply about the ultimate question of life and death. The teenager is immature and difficult to bear. After settling in the aftermath and accompanying my family back from my hometown, I finished mourning for my grandmother in a small homemade box.

Perhaps, from that moment on, my memory became heavy. What comes into the faith comes from a longer period of growth later on. Whether it is joy or sorrow, sorrow or joy, all of this is still grace. There is nothing but grace.

When I was in middle school, my Chinese teacher assigned a propositional essay about the immortality of the Dead Sea. The rest of the students only analyzed from the perspective of physics and chemistry in a one-sided way, which is no different from the main text of the textbook. I thought of God’s creation, the vitality of life, and other beautiful and moving scenes, and related them to the ecological protection of the times, and wrote a “Dialogue between the Creator and Man”. Although it was praised, it also seemed to hint at the state of mind that followed with the chaos that followed. This kind of thinking was already latent in the cells of my grandmother when she died.

I traveled to many hospitals in Xi’an by my mother’s side. Occasionally sleepy, occasionally awake. The definition given by medicine made me feel funny in the future. The nurses on duty, young girls who had just graduated from medical school, judged that there were no abnormal pathologies through my fragmentary records, one chief physician scribbled the diagnosis with “depression”, and another specialist wrote “intermittent loss of consciousness”. My doubts about the nature of modern medicine as a result of this, and at the same time, I have a little more understanding of Lu Xun’s move to abandon medicine and follow literature: the two doctors with prestigious titles have no mercy, and their professional ethics make people suspicious. Modern medicine, if it lacks a divine caring orientation, is only the initiator of human troubles.

The sentence given by the medicine made me fall into an unnamed struggle for a while, and I felt a sense of hopelessness beyond words. My upbringing made it impossible for me to avoid a major breach in my life: I had a hidden disease of intermittent confusion, which would cause individuals to be unable to attain normal joy and perceive the happiness of life and the value of existence. This reminds me of the madman Nietzsche, who invented “God is dead, Superman is born” and finally died of madness; I think of Van Gogh, the impressionist master who committed suicide by drinking bombs in a delirium at the age of 37; and even Shi Lu of the Chang’an School of painting who was persecuted because of political turmoil and ran mad. These individuals who did not perceive the existence of God, or experienced the reality of God, but eventually abandoned their faith, all ended up committing suicide. The vigor of the flesh and the fame of the talent will go down in history, and the followers and admiration of the younger generations, but with the dust of history, draw a meaningful end.

In the night of life, I resolutely cannot see the morning star overhead. Mother’s faith in God has been tested like never before. All of John Bunyan’s experiments with Christians described in Pilgrim’s Progress are condensed into a mother’s concern and anxiety about her son. She still prays for me. So much so that I associated my mother with Augustine’s mother, Monica. For a while, the mother gave up her faith. The mother’s loss stems from her unforgettable love for her son, and she has a tragic episode of the prodigal son leaving home on the stage of life and faith. In the month of her departure from God, my mother said that it was the bleakest day, and she could not help herself when she thought of the praise she had received and the infinite kindness she had received. The mother immediately fell to her knees and prayed for mercy from the Lord, and no longer prayed for any satisfaction other than God, but only God Himself. The return of the prodigal son from home is also the most intimate and starry cosmic family affection.

I walked in the desert of youth in extreme anger and speculation about death. Even fantasizing about completing the last leap in life in the deep messianic complex like Haizi although it is called a leap, it is tantamount to self-destruction. This denies not only existence itself but also God who gives meaning and value to life.

God’s commandment “Thou shalt not kill” includes suicide.

The true Messianic complex is a willingness to go to the cross, where there is truth and life, and to be able to forgive the world as Jesus Christ did: “Forgive, Father. ”

● Healing light

About three years ago, I stopped taking medication and no one who communicated with me to a greater or lesser degree could connect me with the patient. The phrase “medication for life” on my medical card scares me, but it finally gives me confidence. I made the decision to wean off the medicine, and based on my mother’s persistent prayers, she sought God’s healing of me in all aspects. Mother is a smart person, and she has seen too many similar cases in the psychology subject. She was sure that the diagnosis of “depression” and “affective disorder” was true. Mother’s prayers always revolve around one theme: “Lord, His life belongs to you.” Pray that you will renew his vision of the world, give him a new creation spirit, and put perfect love in him. ”

My mother’s understanding of me stems in large part from God’s bonding for my family. People with depression are trapped in deep negative emotions, which are often caused by self-centeredness and a lack of a balanced worldview. More and more people with depression are moving towards suicide in anger and depression. All my judgments of my society are still based on self-righteousness, and even in Bai Yang’s “The Ugly Chinese”, I have found a trace of solace as the basis for my correct judgment of national character, but in the end I found that there is still no way out. The criticism that originates from the sinful nature has no light at all, but only proves the narrowness and self-esteem of human nature. The resulting depressed mood will gradually eat away at the normal functioning of the individual, becoming autistic in anger and resentment, and looking at everything around him tastelessly.

Mother prayed to God to give me perfect love. I was blown away by that.

When my reason, emotion, and will were renewed by God, I realized a great fact: all people have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory. The Bible encircles the cynical, self-righteous “me” among the “criminals,” and I realize that I am no more noble than others, and not only that, but I can touch the bitterness within. All the criticism and resentment only illustrate one fact: my love is not perfect. There is no criminal law in perfect love, and when love is perfect, it removes fear.

In the wandering of life, about God’s grace and redemption, I have an encounter from eternity and life. What a wonderful renewal, God’s perfect healing of a sinner!

St. Francis’ prayer for peace is the truest voice of all those who come to God:

“Lord, make us your instruments of peace: sow forgiveness where there is hurt, hope where there is despair, and joy where sorrow. Lord, give us what we have always dreamed of: that we should seek comfort not for comfort, not for understanding, but for understanding, not for love, but for love. Because giving is what we gain, forgiving others and we are forgiven. Such death is our rebirth. ”

●Epilogue

“There are two things, the deeper and more persistent I think about them, the more the wonder and awe they evoke in my soul will grow with each passing day: these are the stars above my head and the moral law in my heart. ”

Kant said.

For Mother, about me, and even for everyone who looks up to the stars amid great sorrow, they live out the call of their ancestors: “Lord, if my soul does not find rest in you, it will always be troubled.” ”

Looking back, it was just the first answer sheet in life. It doesn’t matter what the results are, what the victory or defeat is, participating in a feast of life, inviting to be invited to a feast of love of life, this is already infinite grace. A person’s life trek, inadvertently, receives the true consolation of Christ’s incarnation, and henceforth does not surprise words and misunderstandings, but looks at all things with a new God-given eye, blesses and prays for one another. Christ completed God’s redemption by accepting a broken me and will heal me again. Greek philosophy’s profound and exquisite argument on the “Dao”, and Lao Zhuang’s philosophy on the “Dao” argument of the mean. And only Jesus Christ, with His outstretched arms, embraces every indifferent and lonely life in the universe.

At the moment of embrace, God said there should be light, and there was light. Since then, all beings have been perfected, and all things have been sublimated.

“Death is at me, and my body is about to return to dust, eaten by worms. How unfathomable is the abyss between my deep anguish and the eternal kingdom of Christ! I am amazed that my ambition and that of Julius Caesar and Alexander the Great have vanished in the air, and that Jewish redneck, Jesus, has stretched out his hand across the ages to control the fate of mankind and nation. ”

Napoleon. On his deathbed. Said.

恩典见证 24.《…

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祈祷与静默的时刻，内心涌动着难以名状的酸楚。我不知这是一种自我情感的强化？或是源自于神圣天启的感召？我逐渐爱上了祈祷，伴随着心灵哭泣的姿态，如此动人，又痛彻心扉。这是多么不可思议啊！对于一个被人们公认为思想偏激个性怪异神情冷漠的“八零后”男生，竟也存在着最柔软的血液和心脏。而我的此般的柔软、温和、最具真我的一面，当我直接面对上帝时，方被完全唤醒。这是我的内室，这是我和宇宙互通的神奇？所有外在的欢笑与坚强、伪装和卑劣，瞬间变得支离破碎。我同时看到了我的死，也将同时看到我的复活。

复活，也许是需要一段相当漫长的时间。

我是一个凡人！当我突然意识到这个重大问题，我感到不安。甚至在我祈祷时，妄以为进入超自然领域，获得了某种超自然能量，却未曾自觉卑微，感知那位超越者赋予我的宇宙亲情，血脉相连。当祂亲自向我靠近，我的灵魂高山被移动，被拆毁，从此赤身归回，有了一个全新生命的复活。这一切都是恩典！除了恩典，再没有什么了。若非恩典，我的存活、世事变迁、草木枯荣、星球运转……这一切都维系于第一推动力的仁慈护佑。天地间的信力，莫过于此。

信力之于凡人，推动每日的生活有了更新的内涵；信力之于超人，带领我们进入确定的荣耀。这是道成肉身的应许。

路边的风景虽则黯淡，一个人的跋涉早已忘却良辰美景，如同忘却我本身。我还年轻，我正在路上，我还年轻，我渴望远行。

●生命之初

个体生命，仿佛与生俱来带有宗教性，也许日后你会强烈坚持无神论或其它论述，你始终无法回避生命自浑浑噩噩中降临到尘世的万千情结，在梁燕诚博士看来，此事件，即是伟大的宇宙亲情。一个生命的降临，这是宇宙间最恢弘的奇迹。宇宙中所有精密的安排与妥善的布置，所有的光线和雨露，都可看作对个体生命由衷的欢迎。从生命而出的生命，从永恒而出的光明，冰寒的宇宙与生物法则，在神圣之爱的维系中，赋予生命本身以尊严和广度。

当我年幼时，数次经历成长劫难。父辈生活在一个偏远但颇具历史遗韵的村庄，这里曾是周王朝关外的一片荒漠。祖祖辈辈面向一大片荒原，在这块黄土地上，不知掩埋了多少尸骨，造成多少冤案。费翔的一曲《故乡》响彻八十年代的中国上空，却丝毫不能唤醒人们对更美故乡的追寻。八十年代的中国大陆，在清一色的背景下不断演绎着轰轰烈烈的时代故事，所有故事的中心，续写着共同的主题：这块古老的土地，人的生命尊严和价值被贬低到更低的程度。经历文g e的“肃清”，大众始终无法产生灵魂深处的觉醒，人们渴望一种真实而确定的安慰。身处乡村，许多人朦胧中进入寺院，面对佛陀造像顶礼膜拜，建造的所有财物，皆来源于各家各户的周济。人们对佛陀的智慧与生平言行一无所知，对弘一法师的皈依和林语堂先生的信仰之旅也只字未闻，仅仅将佛陀当作幻想中的神明，以此求前途富贵身体康泰。幼年记忆中的乡村，呈现出不协调的气氛。

我们的前世今生，都已经被上帝的笔铺陈叙事。祂从不会使人类一直陷入混沌未开的状态。起初，地是空虚混沌，上帝的灵运行在水面上，也运行在每一块混沌迷茫的土地。

母亲年轻时，便归信上帝。这在当时的年月，称得上破天荒的举动。几乎全家族人也不能理解，族人对佛陀以及其它形形色色的神明，始终怀抱最深的忠诚，若是问到他们心中盼望的缘由，却又含糊其辞。在“凤鸣岐山”历史典故的神秘影响下，太多人处于根深蒂固的阴霾与未开化状态。信仰上帝的母亲，在邻里间表现出非凡的智慧、宽容和博爱，虽无多少文化，内在生命的流露显而易见。在是非招摇的乡村，母亲始终以耶稣的训诲作为处世为人的根基：使人和睦的人有福了，爱上帝，并要爱人如己。父母婚后一直是邻里称赞效法的榜样。她们先后有了我的两个姐姐，第三个男婴在出生的第一个夜里便匆匆夭折。在无真理彰显的大地上，任何可笑的思想都可泛滥成灾：乡邻一致认为一个家庭若无男孩，香火难以维系，而这个家庭便成为他人议论的谈资。碍于世俗压力，母亲希望抱养邻家孩子，以补不足。

母亲后来讲：那是一个夏月，她已联系好同村的一户人家，男婴非常可爱。不料，她的手无故肿痛起来，一块馒头也难以手持。她于是祈祷，随后放弃此想法，她的意志得到更新：如果随意抱养邻家孩子，日后将给三方面带来憾恨与伤害，且一生之久。母亲存着盼望等候，她确定任何生命都不会无缘无故的被降临，也不会毫无意义的行此一生。

我至今认为：许许多多虔诚仰望上帝的人，他们祈祷的姿态是宇宙间最动人的情感：一切源自内心的爱与渴求，都如江河涌现；人性本真的善与恶、温柔与渴盼，也都淋漓尽致的呈现。

未过多久，父母便有了我。

也许只有母亲确定：上帝如何在爱中维系了一个生命的孕育和降生。

当我在日后，更深的经验到成长的艰辛，每每回忆起母亲的祷文，便得到极大安慰。仿佛圣经的每一言，都与个体生命息息相关：

“我的肺腑是你所造的。

我在母腹中，你已覆庇我。

我要称谢你，因我受造奇妙可畏，

你的作为奇妙，这是我心深知道的。

我未成形的体质，你的眼早已看见了。”

生命本身就是一次神迹。生命科学关于生命诞生的来龙去脉，无法赋予生命本身的高贵和尊严。任何生命，无论总统或乞儿，在生命之初皆被上帝赋予价值和意义。对于上帝而言，生命没有偶然。基督信仰对人类普世价值的珍视，是如此恢弘，带着神圣之光的启示。圣经首先将人置于上帝的创造、呵护、和救赎之下，这显然比冰寒冷酷漏洞百出的进化论更令人动容。当一个罪犯突然发现生命并非偶然，他的出生蕴含着宇宙智能设计最精妙的安排，有一双超越世俗判断的神圣之眼，携带着温柔的终极关怀轻盈地走向你心灵的荒漠，他会立即找到存活的希望。他在神圣的王国里获得新生。

纵然，在历史的开端，上演过一幕始祖背离上帝带给人类史无穷的罪恶和灾难，然而，上帝充满情爱的救赎，在耶稣基督的十字架上向人类显明到最高峰，使凡认信耶稣基督的人，得以与神和解。

这一条漫长的归途，在本为罪人的我身上，还有相当一段心路要走。

●童年

关于童年的记忆，最能验证一个单纯柔弱的个体，在人生之初经历到的至高者的眷顾和慈爱。

三岁时，我与伙伴在田里给蚕割草。镰刀划伤了我的左手食指，只连结了一层皮。路过的相邻看到时，立即用手绢将手指包裹，带我到村里的医疗室，我并未感到疼痛，清洗、缝针、拆线、愈合……一切都是在微笑的状态下完成；有一年春节，我浑身跌入一大盆刚出锅的萝卜肉汤里，却未曾昏厥，清醒的接受了治疗，清晰的记得母亲彼时呼唤上帝：“主啊，拯救我的孩子。”；六岁时，患黄疸肝炎，两个月的中药和点滴生活委实难耐，比一般患儿更显健康，让主治医师也感到不可思议；回首起来，若非源于上帝的爱与恩典，性命早已不保。

许多在生命的荒漠未曾与神相遇的神学家，误以为上帝创造了世界和人类，我们便一直处于“被抛状态”，宇宙和人类仿佛因此坠入万丈深渊，上帝从未介入个体生命的真实。而友人相赠汤姆•华森的《系统神学》中，便阐释出上帝对所造之物的完备护理：“用祂至极的圣洁、智慧、权能，保护祂所造的万物，并管理他们一切的动作。”宇宙间再无任何情感，高于这样一种神圣的护佑，甚至宗教的礼仪形式，也是难以显明其真实。

很潦草，也很温馨的结束了我的童年。

当七岁时，举家迁入省城。还记得临走，伯母送我一本包的严实的书：这是一本圣经。乡村七年，每周在我家有简单的基督徒之间的聚会。无任何形式上的既定程序，也无高深教义的灌输，只是普通乡邻，汇聚一起唱赞美诗、并祈祷。她们的音色也许怪诞，歌唱技巧几乎为零，关于音乐流派也一无所知；在共同仰望的目光与单纯的赞美中，却体现出超乎异常的爱与宁静。

从小，便可以唱许多赋有传统色彩的赞美诗。一个生命的赞美，这是多么纯粹而高贵的宇宙亲情。

如今回想起来，那时得到的灵魂滋养，对一个人的健全成长会产生多么强大的影响，它会让你在日益物化的当下，始终对神圣存在满怀敬畏。人与上帝对话，使你的心灵不断壮大，在瞬息万变的时代风云中，永远保持自由的灵魂，永不丢失“人”的本质。人类史上一切巨大的罪恶和灾难，事实上都是肉身压迫灵魂所导致。当灵魂的两个层面——精神与灵性，思想和情感——尚未得到救赎和归正，肉身在有限昏昧的空间中为所欲为，人也不称之为人。自由的灵魂是个体获得新生的先决条件，如别尔嘉耶夫所说：“世世代代的人类都在追寻着摆脱奴役，达到自由的道路。在这一过程中起决定作用的，便是耶稣基督。”林治平先生在《白昼提灯》中艰辛的找人旅程，大约是对“人”的返璞归真最详尽的叙述。

●从愤怒到救赎

在都市，仿佛一切都变得陌生，却也渐渐靠近真实。我第一次深切的体会到特拉克尔的诗句“灵魂——大地上的异乡者”所饱含的万般情结。上世纪的九十年代，改革开放的号角声吹响在这块古老的土地上，附近的一座座工厂拔地而起，四座高耸的铁塔直指穹苍。从八十年代跨入九十年代，一个时代的清一色转变为一个时代的风靡和摇曳的姿势，发展的态势一直延续到当下。追求超英赶美的大陆，将所有价值观凝固在GDP的增长以及个人享乐，“我”可以凌驾于万物之上，万物理当因“我”而生，因“我”而灭，却拒绝对个体生命尊严和神圣的坚守。五千年华夏历史积淀下的国民劣根性，更是配合了外在的奢靡演绎到极致。

小区里每日有着表面新鲜的景致。几乎相同的面孔带着怪异的笑。耗资百万修建的街心花园是人们聊以休闲的去处。排除这些外在的盛世繁华，隐藏于内的，是蝇营狗苟，以及真实存在的内幕交易。仿佛十年浩劫给人们酿造的劣质基因一直不肯离去，仍然演绎着同胞之间骨肉相残，只是伪装的更有理可循。附近的一间迪厅是男人们寻欢作乐的场所，许多人目睹一个被冠以“打工妹”的少女，被一群男人近乎绑架式的拉上“别克牌”轿车，留下一声凄惨的呼喊。具讽刺意味的是：某上班族女人在西安作陪女，同单位男士去同一间游乐场所，两人不期相遇，彼此默然无语。

正仿佛林先生无奈的“白昼提灯”，觉醒者突然发现：在一片的喧嚣中，“人”不见了。“人”被钱、权、色重重包裹，无自由可言。我时常怀念起故乡的赞美，故乡纯朴的人和事，也只能如张爱玲在《倾城之恋》中那般无奈的说：“我们再也回不去了。”

在这样一个环境，我艰难完成着一个少年的成长。母亲对上帝的信仰，居然能在此地日益获得人们的尊重。她的贤德与聪敏，也令其倍受称赞。小学时光，我过的孤独，且比同龄孩子显示出过度的早熟倾向。我目睹着成人世界太多的隐秘，将它们写进日记，又必须面对每天枯燥的课程，同时，我深刻的发现：中国现行的教育体制出现了严重的问题，同一个班级里，会有三六九等的划分，划分的唯一标准，永远是一个个如同鲜血幻化而成的分数，老师对优等生投以微笑，对成绩不合格者则施行体罚，学生感受到人格被践踏，尊严被侵犯，很难想象，一个没有爱的教育体制所培育出来的“精英”会是什么样子，对其余学子造成的心理歼害会是多么严重。当马加爵一案浮出水面，政法学子弑师案卷土重来，美国“911”事件后中国学生表露出的极端狂喜，我们扭曲的民族心理昭然若揭。我随之会想到“无神论”的谎言和弊端，因为上帝不在场，任何领域势必缺乏神圣的终极关爱，以至于在我们现行的教育中，找不到宽恕、仁爱、信仰的生命素质的培育。

小学毕业那年，祖母去世。这是一位“阿弥陀佛”了一生、在晚年受到至亲恶待、终久毫无怨言撒手人寰的老人。她对我的爱，父母对祖母的万般孝顺……往事如在昨天。对于祖母的离世，我并非痛苦于至亲的亡故——死亡是众生的必由之路，死是生的一部分，死也是生的完结和跨越，如克尔凯郭尔所言：“我们每个人都不得不走这条道——跨过叹息桥，进入永恒。”祖母的离去，促使我更深思考生与死的终极性问题。少年稚嫩，显然难以承担。安置完后事，陪同家人从家乡返回，我在一个自制的小盒子里，完成着对祖母的哀悼。

也许，从那一刻开始，我的记忆变得沉重。真正进入信仰内在的，源于日后更漫长的成长。无论苦与乐、悲或喜，这一切仍然都是恩典。除了恩典，再没有什么了。

中学时，语文老师布置了一道命题作文：关于死海不死。其余同学只是单面性从物理与化学角度作分析，与教科书正文无异。我联想到上帝的创造、生命的活力等等美好而动人的场景，并将其和时代的生态环保联系起来，写了一篇《造物主与人的对话》。虽获得赞许，却也似乎暗示了随后而来混沌未开的思想状态。此般的思维在祖母离世的那一段时间，已潜藏于细胞。

我在母亲的陪伴下奔波于西安很多医院。偶或沉睡，偶或清醒。医学所下的定义让日后的我觉得滑稽。值班护士是医学院刚毕业的年轻姑娘，她们通过我零碎记录的文字，判定毫无非正常病理现象；一位主任医师潦草的在诊断书上写着“忧郁症”云云；另一位专家却写着“间歇性意识消失”。我关于现代医学因此产生本质的怀疑，也同时对鲁迅弃医从文的举动多了一分理解：两位拥有赫赫头衔的医师毫无悲悯，其职业道德让人怀疑，任凭患者游离于生死边缘，含糊作此判读，无非企图给各自单位招揽患者，也好作为晋升职称的凭据。现代医学如果缺乏神圣的关爱导向，也不过是人间祸乱的始作俑者。

医学所下的判语，让我一度陷入未名的挣扎，并产生无可名状的绝望感。自身的成长经历，令我无法回避生命的重大破口：我有着间歇性意识模糊的隐疾？它会导致个体无法获得正常的喜悦，也无力感知生活的幸福与存在的价值。这让我想起了发明“上帝已死，超人诞生”最终疯癫而亡的狂人尼采；想起了37岁那年精神错乱饮弹自杀的印象派大师梵高；甚至想起了因政zh i动乱被迫害以至于疯癫奔跑的长安画派石鲁……这些未曾感知上帝的实存，或经验到上帝的真实，却最终放弃信仰的个体，皆无一例外以自杀告终。肉身的轰轰烈烈，才华的名垂青史，后辈的追随与景仰，不过伴随着历史的尘埃，划一个意味深长的句号。

生命中的黑夜，依凭自身坚决无法看到头顶的晨星。母亲对上帝的信受到了前所未有的考验。约翰·班扬在《天路历程》中描述的对基督徒的所有试验，都凝聚在母亲对儿子的牵挂和焦虑中。她仍然为我祈祷。以至于我将母亲与奥古斯丁的母亲莫妮卡联系在一起。有一段时间，母亲放弃了信仰。母亲的失落源于对儿子刻骨铭心的爱，她在生命与信仰的舞台上有着浪子离家的悲剧情节。离开上帝的那个月，母亲言称这是最黯淡无光的日子，她每每想起从前的赞美，与获得的无限恩德，便情不自已。母亲立即双膝跪地，祈求主的怜悯，不再祈求上帝之外的任何满足，只寻觅上帝本身。浪子离家的归回，这亦是最为亲密，震撼星空的宇宙亲情。

我在极端的愤怒与对死亡的猜测中行走在青春的荒漠。甚至幻想着如同海子那样，在深刻的弥赛亚情结中完成生命里的最后一次跨越，显然，虽名为跨越，却无异于自毁。这不仅否定了存在本身，更否定了赋予生命以意义和价值的上帝。

上帝“不可杀人”的诫命中，包含自杀。

真实的弥赛亚情结，是甘愿走上十字架，十字架上有真理和生命，能够在十字架上如耶稣基督那样，发出对世界的宽恕：“父啊，求你赦免。”

●医治之光

大约三年前，我不再接受药物治疗，凡是与我或多或少有所交流的人，无法将我和病患联系在一起。医疗卡上注明的“终生服药”，曾让我恐慌，又最终使我满怀信心。做出断药的主张，基于母亲持之以恒的祈祷，她寻求上帝对我的全方面医治。母亲是聪慧的人，她在心理科目睹了太多类似的病例。她明确诊断书上“忧郁症”和“情感障碍”的判定属实。母亲的祈祷始终围绕着一个主题：“主啊，他的生命属于你。祈求你更新他看待世界的眼光，赐他新造的灵，将完全的爱放在他的里面。”

母亲对我的理解，很大程度源自上帝对亲情的维系。忧郁症患者陷入深深的负面情绪，造成此负面情绪的，多是自我中心，以及缺乏平衡的世界观。越来越多的忧郁症患者在愤怒和抑郁中走向自杀。我对自身所处社会的一切评判，仍然基于自以为义的心态，甚至在柏杨《丑陋的中国人》中，我曾找到过一丝慰藉，并以此作为我对国民性评判正确的依据，却最终发现仍然毫无出路。源于罪性的批判，丝毫没有亮光，只是证明了人性的狭隘与自我。由此引发的抑郁心境，会逐渐蚕食个体的正常功能，在愤怒与怨恨中变得自闭，看待周遭的一切，也索然无味。

母亲祈求上帝将完全的爱赐予我。我为此而深感震撼。

当我的理性、情感、意志得到上帝的更新，我意识到一项重大事实：世人都犯了罪，亏缺了上帝的荣耀。圣经将那个愤世嫉俗、自以为义的“我”也圈在“罪犯”之中，我意识到自身并不比别人崇高，不仅如此，我可以触摸到隐藏于内的苦毒。所有的批判与愤懑，仅仅说明了一项事实：我的爱并不完全。完全的爱里没有刑法，爱既完全，就把惧怕除去。

在生命颠沛流离的漂泊中，关于上帝的恩典与救赎，我因此有了出自永恒，源于生命的相遇。上帝对一个罪人的完全医治，竟有如此奇妙的更新！

圣·方济各的和平祈祷词，是一切走向上帝之人最真实的心声：

“主啊，求你使我们成为你和平的工具：在有伤害的地方，让我播种宽恕；在有绝望的地方，让我播种希望；在有悲伤的地方，让我播种喜乐……主啊，求你给予我们那梦寐以求的：叫我们不求安慰，但去安慰；不求理解，但去理解；不求被爱，但去爱。因为给予就是我们的收获，宽恕别人，我们就被宽恕。这样的死亡，就是我们的重生。”

●尾声

“有两种东西，我对它们的思考越是深沉和持久，它们在我心灵中唤起的惊奇和敬畏就会日新月异、不断增长，这就是我头上的星空和心中的道德定律。”

康德如是说。

对于母亲，关于我，甚至每一个在巨大悲苦中仰望星空的人，都在生命中践行先辈的仰望与呼唤：“主啊，我的灵魂若不在你那里找到安息，便永远烦躁不安。”

回首，只是人生的第一张答卷。无所谓成绩如何，胜负如何，参与了一次生命的盛筵，邀请被赴一场生命的爱筵，这已经是无限的恩典。一个人的生命跋涉，不经意间，获得基督道成肉身的真实慰藉，从此不在意外界的言语和误解，反而以上帝赋予的崭新目光审视万物，为彼此祝福，为彼此祈祷。基督完成了上帝的救赎，接纳了一个支离破碎的我，也必将重新使我愈合。希腊哲学对“道”的博大精深的精湛论辩；老庄哲学对“道”的中庸论证……而唯有耶稣基督，以祂伸开的膀臂，拥抱着宇宙间每一个被冷漠和孤单的生命。

在拥抱的那一刻，神说要有光，就有了光。此后众生圆满，万象升华。

“死亡已经逼近我，我的身体将要归回尘土，被虫子吃光。我深切的痛苦与基督永恒的国度之间的深渊，是多么深不可测！我感到惊讶，我自己的野心和凯撒、亚历山大大帝的野心居然在空中消失了，那个犹太的乡下人——耶稣——反而伸展祂的手横越世世代代，控制人类与国家的命运。”

拿破仑。临终前。如是说。

Testimony…

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He was born in extreme poverty, but through his hard work, he achieved great success in society, and because of God’s miraculous arrangement, his life took on a completely different track. It is hoped that readers will experience the value and meaning of life from the life journey of this entrepreneur who was called by God to become a pastor and serve God wholeheartedly.

In the past 40 years of my life, I have had many benefactors and good friends that I have missed. I often think of giving them the best gift to express my love and gratitude to them, what gift can I give them that represents my heart, is meaningful to them, and has real value? Today, I would love to share my life experience as a gift to you, my dear siblings and friends. I love you!

Poor family – looking for change

I was born in a very poor, remote rural area in Hunan. In my childhood, starvation and freezing were the most vivid memories of me. Most of our clothes were coarse cloth woven from cotton threads, and we were often unclothed, our staple food was shredded sweet potatoes, and we were often hungry. My parents had five children, but my father was bedridden due to overwork when he was 37 years old, my father had sold everything in the family for treatment, and even demolished two of the small mud houses he lived in, selling them for less than 300 yuan, which was still far from enough to pay for my father’s medical expenses. His father’s illness dragged on for nearly three years, and finally, at the age of thirty-nine, his father left this world. It was my eighth birthday, and my father’s birthday present was a cry for the whole family, I didn’t shed a single tear at that time. I seem to be sensible. I was determined that one day, I would be able to go out and earn money so that my mom my siblings, and I could have a meal of white rice and be truly full!

A few years later, I left my secondary school Xi to work as a migrant worker, doing the lowest job and receiving the least income; I had no human dignity, let alone any labor insurance or medical insurance. I’ve moved cement, I’ve pulled pallet trucks, I’ve been a quarryman, I’ve been a construction mason. In winter, we migrant workers slept in simple sheds, in the cold wind; in summer, we spent the night on the construction site and the side of the road, accompanied by mosquitoes! On a hot summer day, I dragged a cart to pull goods in the city, and when I passed by the door of an office room, the cold air seeping out of the cracks in the glass door made me feel very cool, and I thought that if I had the opportunity to spend an hour in such a room one day, I would be very satisfied! This was my greatest wish for a happy life at that time.

The day of the Dragon Boat Festival in 1985 was very special in my life, because Xiao Qiao, a migrant worker who slept in the bed next to me, suddenly had an accident! At that time, we were digging trenches and laying communication cables along the Beijing-Guangzhou railway line. Little Joe and I finished our work that day and went to the ditch on the other side of the railroad to wash our clothes, and turned around and stood in the middle of the double-track line waiting for the train to pass, and when the train in front of us passed, Little Joe, who was standing next to me, was gone!

It turned out that he had not paid attention to the train coming from behind while waiting for the train in front of him, and the fast wind of the train swept him in! A living young man, in an instant, became a blur of flesh and blood, and his face was unrecognizable. Another migrant friend and I dragged him out from under the stopped train, and when he saw that his mouth squirmed twice, but he didn’t say anything, he died. His skull was smashed by a train, and his brains flowed out. The man had already made several turns under the car, his whole body was covered with oil and blood, and his left foot was broken into two sections, leaving only a piece of skin attached. I and another migrant worker friend brought his body to his house and saw a father in his seventies, a child of about three years old, and a baby who was about to give birth in his belly.

The whole family was counting on this young man to go out and earn money to support the family, but a sturdy man went out and returned with a mutilated corpse! Only then did I understand what Xiao Qiao wanted to say but did not say before he died! When I left the deceased’s house, I was very emotional: It is really hard to be a migrant worker! I have no identity and no insurance. Will I be the next one to die in a car accident? What is my future? I am at a loss.

Personal struggle – struggle to the death

I decided to go to school, maybe reading could change my fate, I thought at that time. Through the financial support of my uncle, who was a farmer from a slightly better family, I was admitted to university after a year of hard work. I have always been an excellent student in college, and when I was about to graduate, I received a letter from a professor at East China University of Science and Technology, asking me to be his graduate student without examination. However, due to the inopportune time, some special circumstances at that time prevented me from continuing my studies. But I believed that man would win the day, and I would be in charge of my destiny, so I applied for a job at the “Zhengda” Group, a foreign-funded company that was a bit famous at the time, and was exceptionally admitted with my three-inch tongue. Unfortunately, two years later, our department was shut down, and the “iron rice bowl” really didn’t work at that time. I declared war on fate again – to start my own company. At that time, there was no private enterprise, so I used my cleverness to make flexible use of the name of the Science and Technology Commission, and I quickly got the business license.

In 1994, when the Chinese Company Law was officially promulgated, my company became one of the first private enterprises. The business was also relatively successful, and soon I was making some money. At the beginning of 1999, I passed five more hurdles, six generals, passed the exams, became an EMBA student of CEIBS, and set up branches in the United States, Hong Kong, and other places. At that time, the expectation was to create a successful career, make my company into the Fortune 500, and become the second Bill Gates.

I’m proud of every step I’ve walked and proud of myself. However, my life was corrupted day by day, and I spent most of my time at the wine table, card table, or dance hall except for working hard. My children felt strange to me and refused to call me dad, and my wife often troubled me. Sometimes I am also confused: I have doubled the dream of eating white rice and dreaming of blowing the wind in an air-conditioned room, but not only can people not be happy, on the contrary, they have more sorrow. Today, I am saved, I wonder if someone gave me a gift at that time, it was the words of the Lord Jesus: “What good is it for a man to gain the whole world and lose his life? What can a man exchange for his life?” (Matthew 16:26) Maybe I’ll think seriously and ask why I’m struggling for my futile pursuits, or maybe I’ll see my sinful nature and repent and turn to the Lord. But no one gave me such a gift. Today, I am also thinking that even if someone gave me such a gift at that time, I might not accept it at all.

Hear the Gospel – Salvation by grace

I became more and more selfish and stubborn, more and more self-righteous, and often self-righteous and proud. If it weren’t for God’s special mercy, I don’t know where I would be today. In September 1999, by chance, I came to the United States on a business trip. I went to see a friend in Denver and he told me, “I’m grateful that you’ve come from China to come and see me in such a tight time, but I’m sorry I don’t have time for you because we’re preparing an evangelistic meeting, and if you don’t mind, please come too.” “I thought it was a little funny at the time, I said that I had never seen any immortal emperors, and every step I took was made by myself. But I am also amazed: Why is the United States, a place that stresses civilization and science, so ignorant and still believes in God? Even those intellectuals with doctorates are like this. Anyway, out of respect for my friends, I went. Who knows, I got a very unexpected gift, the value of which is not 10 million, not 100 billion, it is worth everything and even my life to seek, but it is a grace that I have obtained for nothing!

That was the first time I heard the Gospel. I realized that there is a God who is in charge of our lives and is watching over us every day! I realized that money does not bring peace, education does not bring peace, and identity and status do not bring peace! It turns out that the root of all human disasters is “sin” – the thoughts and actions that deviate from God’s standards. Ever since our first patriarch Adam disobeyed the Creator’s command to sin, “sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and death came to all men because all sinned” (Romans 5:12). There can be no true peace and joy in the bondage and curse of sin! Thank God that “Christ gave Himself for our sins, according to the will of God our Father, to save us from this sinful generation” (Galatians 1:4). The Creator loves us, and He gave His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, His blood on the Cross for our sins and His resurrection from the dead, providing us with saving grace.

It was the grace of God that moved me that day to accept Him as my personal Savior and Lord of my life. When I knelt before God, my sins were revealed before my eyes, and these sins have always been righteous and glorious in my eyes in the past. Now it makes me feel indebted and guilty. I wept bitterly over my sins, weeping that I was born of sin, that our sins crucified our Lord. I wept over my filth, and I was not worthy to come to God, because God is a righteous God and a holy God. After a long confession of sin, I calmed down, and I also felt Jesus take me by his loving hand and say to me, “Son, I have taken all your sins upon me, and I have given you new life!” I was completely freed, and I knew that I was no longer a slave to “sin”, but the creator of heaven and earth, and a child of God the Father!

After I came to faith, my life changed radically, and my wife began to seek it because she saw my change. Thank God that the next year, my wife and eight-year-old daughter were baptized! With God’s love, my wife and I began to learn to love each other Xi, and to love our children with our hearts. Later, God wonderfully gave us three children: the second daughter, the second daughter, the third Geshun, and the fourth Caleb. Our family has time to gather together for prayer almost every day, and we often have thanksgiving worship as a family, sharing God’s grace, and we all have endless testimonies. Temptation of distress – God gives faith。

After I became a believer, God showed me to stay away from sin, especially from too many sins in business: eating, drinking, prostitution, gambling, bribery, and tax evasion. Many people ridiculed me for being “ignorant” and “living a Christian life in a vacuum.” In the meantime, we have lost many customers as a result, and some employees have gone to companies with “advantages” because of inflexible company policies and difficulties in “operation”, and sometimes I am confused. But God’s Word always gives me confidence and strength at this time. I believe that everything is under God’s control, and it depends on how God leads. During that time, we lost some employees and lost a lot of customers. Amazingly, by the end of the year, I found that our employees’ business capabilities had grown in particular, we had added a lot of direct users and agents who did not talk about business at the wine table but did serious things, and our turnover and profits that year were higher than in previous years!

The Lord has led me through many victorious experiences in the mall, in my family life, and my personal growth. Many things that seem impossible to people are happening around me. Although I have been weak and failing, the hand of the Lord’s grace has never forsaken me, and I have been upheld by Him. Sometimes some difficulties or things don’t go your way, but when you come to the Lord, you will have an answer immediately.

God’s call—for the Lord’s use

At the end of 2001, when my company was at its best, God moved me to give up my career and receive equipment to better use the Lord and feed the Lord’s sheep. After a period of preparation, God opened the door for me to be equipped at Moody Bible Institute, allowing me to be theologically equipped and edified! My greatest takeaway at Moody has been to know our Lord better. The more you know God, the more you see your shortcomings, the more you know God, the more sensitive you are to your sins, the more you know God, the more you see your grace, the more you know God, the more you see the meaning of your life in this world. I have no reason to live for myself, I should live for Him who shed His blood and died for me. Galatians 2:20 is the verse of my life: “I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me, and I now live in the flesh, by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” ”

Although my material living conditions as a preacher are far less privileged than those of my “entrepreneur,” and although the work I do today is not as handy as my work as an “entrepreneur,” God has taught me Xi humility, Xi to look up to him, and Xi to be a servant and a minister. That’s why every day I am filled with peace and joy and experience his presence! This is the peace and joy that I didn’t have in the past, whether I was a migrant worker or an entrepreneur, whether I slept on the road or slept on Simmons, whether I ate shredded sweet potatoes or ate a five-star hotel. Especially when my relatives and friends receive the most precious gift of my life because of my evangelism, I am happier than anything else. This is the true meaning and value of life that I have found!

恩典见证 23.一…

10A.God h…

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“Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree,” a single she recorded when she was 13, is making chart history 65 years after its debut.

hours of TV performances

Brenda Lee debuted at the age of 5 and signed with a record label at the age of 12 to record the song “Dynamite” before earning the title of “Little Miss Dynamite” in 1957; It also made her one of the first pop stars to have an international reach. BTS’ 2020 debut English-language single also bears its name. When Brenda Lee was 13 years old, she sang “Rock ‘n’ Roll Christmas Tree”, an enduring Christmas song. Her performances span rock, pop, country, and gospel music. Assist News reports that she didn’t have much success in the United States in the late ’50s and early ’60s, so she moved to England and met the fledgling Beatles. When she toured West Germany, she also invited them to be the opening guests and introduced them to the record label they gave her. Dolly Parton was also promoted to the music industry by her.

The movie “Little Ghost Becomes Home” once again hyped up the famous song of the Red Christmas

The 90s Christmas movie “Home Alone” repeatedly played her famous song in the film, making it popular again at the time, but it wasn’t until Billboard changed the weighting calculation method in 2012 that songs that had already entered the charts in the past could still be counted as long as they were heavily streamed on music streaming platforms, which made Mariah Carey’s Christmas song “You Are My Most Wanted Christmas Present”, and finally rushed to the top of the charts 25 years after its release, and also allowed Grandma Brenda’s competing songs to follow closely.

The single “Rock ‘n’ Roll Christmas Tree” sold only 5,000 copies in its first year.

For the first time this year, Universal Music funded the music video for “Rock ‘n’ Roll Christmas Tree,” using recordings of Brenda when she was 13 years old, to commemorate the song’s 65th anniversary. Even persuaded the grandmother, who retired 23 years ago (2000), to participate in a special music program on the TV station, and the social media platform TikTok also vigorously promoted the song, and sure enough, this publicity worked.

He started singing at the age of 5, started raising a family at the age of 10, and danced with Elvis Presley at the age of 13

Brenda Mae Tarpley, whose real name is Brenda Mae Tarpley, was born on December 11, 1944, in Lithonia, GA. My childhood impression is that my parents have been looking for jobs and sleeping in the same bed with my older brother and sister. Because of her family’s poverty, her mother and sister often took her to a local candy store before she was 3 years old, and put her on the counter so that she could earn candy or coins by singing.

At the age of 5, Brenda Lee won a talent show at school, which led her to sing on local radio and television. Because her family could not afford a record player or radio, only the church allowed her to hear music, and she grew up in a Baptist church and immersed herself in gospel music. Her father died in a construction accident at the age of 8, and she became the breadwinner of the family from the age of 10, and at the age of 13, she met and danced with Elvis Presley at a concert. “At the time, all the churches said Elvis was the devil and burned his records, but I didn’t think so. The two became friends until Elvis died.

At just 145 centimeters tall, Brenda says she has many colleagues who have worked with her since she was 10 years old and later joined the younger ones, all of whom have worked very hard, and that she has a very die-hard fan base that has been with her since she first started singing. Now that “Rock ‘n’ Roll Christmas Tree” has won the award, she is happier for her fans than for herself, “Good songs don’t get out!” she said.

Regarding overcoming the “Mariah Carey barrier” and becoming the new Queen of Christmas, she said that she just wants to be a musician, she wants to have good songs, sing well, and if others take the first place, it is good for her, and she knows how to appreciate others.

“God has been kind to me and has prevented me from going the wrong way”

When asked if she has ever had a hard time as a religious woman in her career, and how she was able to stay in the industry for so long and be clean and self-loving after many of her show business friends died of drug overdoses? I’d be lying if I said I had never been exposed to or ever been tempted. But because God has been kind to me, He has given me enough wisdom to know which roads to take and which not to take, and I have known this for a long time. I was vulnerable in the early years, and I was very well isolated and protected during those years when I could have been in trouble, and I was surrounded by a lot of wonderful people who cared about me. When I’m older, those temptations won’t interest me anymore!”

“I always pray before concerts – I’m lucky to be energetic, fit and love to work,” she added. In fact, what I do on stage doesn’t count as work for me, it’s a blessing for me to be able to sing, and I’m grateful to the fans, they treat me so well. 」

In addition to production, work 11 months per year

From the 50s to the 70s of the 20th century, in addition to production, Brenda spent 11 months a year, either working or on the way to the studio. She was called “legendary” 16 years ago, when she modestly told the American evangelical magazine Christianity Today, “I don’t think it’s possible because I don’t see myself that way! I’m just a woman who is lucky enough to do what I want to do.” Many people shed a lot of tears and put in their life’s work for me to make my dream come true. So, if I’m a legend, then they’re also a legend, and they’re a part of it. 」

Brenda never worried that she would get out of luck. “It’s only natural that the popularity has dropped,” she said. We open the door to music for other singers, and then they become famous, and we grow old. You can’t maintain that scorching reputation forever, and I’ve always been there because of my fans. All I care about is the work on stage, I don’t care about anything else!”

“I retired not because I didn’t like the industry, but because I loved – you know what? I ran well and I won all the awards,” she said. Brenda Lee said that she later learned that there was a personal life outside of showbiz! In the past, she never recognized this properly, so she decided to slow down and have fun with her children and grandchildren. She used to be busy working every weekend, so she slowed down and chose to smell the roses.

Brenda met Ronnie Shacklett at a concert when she was 18 years old, and the two got married less than half a year later, they have two daughters, two granddaughters, and one grandson after 60 years of holding hands. As of 2023, her net worth is estimated to be about $20 million.

10A.上帝一直厚…

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78歲的老奶奶布蘭達．李（Brenda Lee）以她13歲時錄製的單曲〈搖滾聖誕樹〉（Rockin’Around the Christmas Tree〉在首次亮相65年後，正在創造排行榜歷史。

小時電視台表演

布蘭達．李5歲就出道，12歲時與唱片公司簽約，錄製了歌曲〈Dynamite〉後，於1957 年獲得了「炸藥小姐姐」（Little Miss Dynamite）的稱號；也使她成為第一批擁有國際影響力的流行音樂明星之一。韓國防彈少年團2020年推出的首張英語單曲也與它同名。布蘭達．李13歲時，演唱了〈搖滾聖誕樹〉這首歷久不衰的聖誕名曲。她的表演涵蓋搖滾樂、流行音樂、鄉村音樂和福音音樂。《Assist News》報導，她在50年代末期和60年代初期在美國並沒有取得很大成功，於是轉往英國發展，因此認識了初出茅廬的披頭四。她在西德巡迴演唱時，還邀請他們擔任開場嘉賓，並引介他們給她的唱片公司。桃莉．芭頓（Dolly Parton）也是被她提拔進入音樂圈。

電影《小鬼當家》再次炒紅聖誕名曲

90年代的聖誕代表電影《小鬼當家》（Home Alone），在片中就曾一再播放她的這首名曲，讓它在當時再次翻紅；但是直到告示牌於2012年更改了加權計算方法，過去已經進榜的歌曲只要在音樂串流平台被大量點播，依然可以計算成績，才使得瑪麗亞凱莉的聖誕名曲〈你是我最想要的聖誕禮物〉，也終於在發行25年後，衝上排行榜冠軍，也使布蘭達老奶奶的競爭歌曲得以緊跟在後。

〈搖滾聖誕樹〉單曲唱片第一年推出時僅銷售5000張。

環球音樂（Universal Music）在今年破天荒出資替〈搖滾聖誕樹〉拍攝MV，使用布蘭達13歲時的錄音，以紀念這首歌的65週年。甚至說服在23年前（2000年）就退休的老奶奶，參加電視台的音樂特別節目，社群媒體平台TikTok也大力宣傳這首歌，果然這些宣傳奏效。

5歲開始唱歌 10歲開始養家 13歲與貓王共舞

布蘭達．李本名是布蘭達．梅．塔普利（Brenda Mae Tarpley），1944年12 月11日出生於喬治亞州利松尼亞（Lithonia, GA）。童年印象就是父母一直在找工作，和哥哥、姊姊都睡同一張床。因為家貧，3歲前母親和姊姊經常帶她去當地的一家糖果店，把她放在櫃台上，讓她可以透過唱歌來賺取糖果或硬幣。

5歲時，布蘭達．李的演唱在學校的才藝表演比賽獲得冠軍，使她開始在當地廣播和電視節目中唱歌。因為家中買不起電唱機或收音機，唯有教會能讓她聽到音樂，在浸信會教堂長大的她也沉浸在福音音樂中。8歲時，父親在一次建築事故中去世，10歲起她就成為家中主要的經濟支柱；13歲時她在音樂會上認識了貓王，並與其共舞。布蘭達說：「當時，所有的教會都說貓王是魔鬼，並燒毀他的唱片，但我不這麼認為。」日後兩人並成為好友，直到貓王去世。

身高只有145公分的布蘭達表示，她有很多同事從她10歲起就一起工作，後來又加入了年輕人，他們都非常努力；而且她還有非常死忠的歌迷，從她初次開口唱歌起，就一直陪伴著她。如今〈搖滾聖誕樹〉能得獎，她為歌迷感到高興，多於為自己感到高興，「好歌不會被淘汰！」她說。

對於跨越了「瑪麗亞凱莉障礙」，成為新的聖誕女王，她表示只想成為音樂人，想要有好歌，把歌唱好，如果別人拿第一，對她也好，懂得去欣賞別人。

「上帝厚待我 避免我走錯路」

當被問到在職業生涯中，作為一位有宗教信仰的女性是否曾經遇到困難？她的許多演藝界朋友都因吸毒過量而死亡，她是如何能夠在這個行業繼續這麼久的時間並且潔身自愛？一生忠於信仰的布蘭達回答說：「不，這並不難，這很大程度上與我的信仰和我的成長有關。如果我說我從來沒有接觸過或者從未受過誘惑，那是在撒謊。但因為上帝厚待我，祂給了我足夠的智慧，讓我知道哪些路該走，哪些路不該走，我很早就知道這一點。早年我很脆弱，在可能會遇到麻煩的那些年裡，我受到了很好的隔離和保護，我周圍有很多很棒的人，他們真正關心我。等我年紀大了，那些誘惑也不會讓我感興趣了！」

她並說：「我總是在演唱會前祈禱 – 我很幸運，精力充沛、身體健康，而且喜歡工作。事實上，我在舞台上所做的事情對我來說並不算工作，能夠唱歌對我來說是一件幸運的事，我很感謝歌迷們，他們對我很好。」

除了生產 每年工作11個月

20世紀50年代到70年代，布蘭達除了生產外，每年有11個月，不是在工作，就是在往工作室的路上。16年前她就被稱為「傳奇」，當時她謙虛地對美國福音派雜誌《今日基督教》（Christianity Today）說：「我想這是不可能的，因為我不那樣看自己！我只是一個很幸運能做我想做的事情的女性。有很多人流了很多淚水，為我付出畢生的努力，才使我得以實現夢想。所以，如果我是傳奇，那麼他們也是傳奇，他們也有份。」

布蘭達從來不擔心自己會過氣。她說：「知名度下降，這是很自然的事。我們為其他歌手打開音樂大門，然後他們成名，我們則衰老了。你不可能永遠維持那種炙手可熱的名聲，我的存在始終是因為歌迷。我在乎的只有舞台上的工作，其他的我不關心！」

她說：「我退休不是因為我不喜歡這個行業，而是因為我喜歡 – 你知道嗎？我跑得很好，我已經贏得了所有獎項。」布蘭達．李說，她後來了解到演藝圈外還有個人生活！過去的她從沒有好好地認清這一點，所以決定放慢腳步，和兒孫同樂。過去她每個週末都在工作，一直忙碌，於是後來放慢腳步，選擇聞聞玫瑰花香。

布蘭達18歲時與羅尼．沙克利特（Ronnie Shacklett）在音樂會上認識，不到半年兩人就結婚，牽手60年的他們有2個女兒、2個外孫女和1個外孫。截至 2023年，她的淨資產估計約為 2000萬美元（約6億3100萬台幣）。

恩典见证 22.乳…

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两年前的一天，我在一次洗澡时摸到胸口有个包，心里不由得想：怎么突然长个包呢？再看看自己最近无缘无故地消瘦了，会不会得了什么不好的病啊？但转念又想：我这么年轻会得什么病呀？别吓自己了，应该没事吧！可两个月后，我的体重比之前减了20斤；有时突然站起来就两眼墨黑，要等一两分钟才能看到东西；出去购物或办事，回来要休息一两个小时才能恢复体力，而且时不时的胸痛，呼吸也有些困难，我不禁猜想：我是不是真的得了什么病呢？

为了以防万一，我就去医院做了检查，医生说：“胸口的包是肿瘤，活跃性很大，你得去专科医院做切除手术。”心怀忐忑的我又来到肿瘤专科医院。做完全部的检查后，医生告诉我患上了乳腺癌，必须得尽快治疗，不然，等癌细胞扩散，就会有生命危险。他又和其他肿瘤医生确定治疗方案，告诉我开始化疗头发会掉，眼睛会发炎，嘴会长疮，还会有呕吐现象。听着医生说的话，我的脑子一片空白，什么也听不进去，我瘫坐在椅子上，陷入了绝望中：我才24岁就患上了癌症，难道这么年轻就要死吗？丈夫的几个亲戚都患过癌症，没有治好就去世了，他的姨妈也是得了乳腺癌死的，难道我也会这样死吗？

绝望的我走在回家的路上，看着来来往往的人群，听着公园里面大人小孩的欢笑声，我的心情惆怅万千，无助、痛苦涌上心头，一想起自己得了癌症，眼泪止不住地流。回到家后，我向神祷告：“神啊，医院的诊断似乎就是对我的死亡判决，现在我很害怕，也很难受。神啊！我该怎么办啊？愿你带领我，帮助我走出这样的绝境。”祷告中，我想起神的话说：“全能神是全能的医生！活在病里就是病，活在灵里就没病，只要你有一口气，神都不会让你死。”“人的命运都在神的手中掌握……”神的话给了我很大的安慰和信心，让我感动的同时，也明白了神主宰掌管着人类与万物的命运，我的命更在神的手中，没有神的许可，就是得了癌症我也不会死。有神作我的后盾，我没有什么可担心害怕的。我应该把自己交给神，顺服神的主宰安排，任神摆布，勇敢地去面对癌症才对。揣摩到这，我的情绪慢慢地稳定了，也不那么痛苦了。

接下来，我边祷告依靠神，边接受治疗。可第一次化疗回家后，因药物反应我头晕耳鸣、呕吐不止，什么东西也不想吃，没有一点力气。想想还有21次的化疗，这样的痛苦什么时候才能结束，这时我的眼泪又不争气地流了出来，后来，我4天都没有吃饭，身体非常的难受，痛苦中我想放弃治疗，觉得与其这么痛苦，还不如死了算了。室友看到我难受的样子，主动照顾我，安慰我，给我读神的话。我借着祷告神、依靠神的话有了信心，当我对神有信心的时候，我的病情也恢复得很好。一次在医院复查，我刚好碰到一个曾和我一起化疗的病友，她骨瘦如柴、弱不经风，猫着腰和我说话，还不断地喘着粗气。而我和她一起接受治疗，现在却胖了10斤，血液值也恢复了，体力也很好。此时我泪流不止，被神的爱深深地感动着.

2017年3月，我在手机上浏览了一条facebook的信息：一个乳腺癌患者治疗了3年，但最终因治疗无效而死亡。看到她的遭遇，我想到自己也治疗好几个月了，会不会也像她一样治不好死了呢？这条信息使我的心久久不能平静.

没多久，我去医院化疗时，医生说他们已经预约外科医生和整形科医生商量了我的手术方案，乳房得全部切除，让我做好动手术的准备。医生的话使我再次痛苦：我从小就怕痛，现在还要做全切手术，手术后肯定很疼，我会不会像facebook上那个女的一样怎么治也是死啊？如果迟早都会死，我还是不做手术了。医生的话在我脑海里不停地回荡，回到家里后我很痛苦，化疗后身体的不适，情绪的影响，我在床上三天都起不来，除了吃饭就躺在床上。丈夫看到我难受的样子，和我一起看了一段神的话：“有的人喜欢推理、喜欢想象，但是人最大的想象范围能到哪？能不能超出这个世界呢？人的推理、人的想象能不能构造出神权柄的真实性与准确性？能不能使人达到对神的权柄有认识？能不能让人真实地领会与顺服神的权柄？事实证明人的推理、人的想象仅仅是人头脑的产物，对人认识神的权柄没有丝毫的帮助与益处。既然不能靠着想象来认识神的权柄，那么用什么样的方式才能达到真实认识神的权柄呢？通过吃喝神的话、通过交通，也通过对神话语的经历去逐步地体验，逐步地印证达到逐渐地了解，得以循序渐进地认识，这是唯一能达到认识神权柄的途径，除此之外没有其他捷径。不让你们想象不等于让你们坐以待毙，也不等于什么事都不让你们做。不用大脑思考想象，是不用逻辑去推理，不用知识去分析，不以科学为依据，而是通过神的话，通过真理，通过生活接触到的每一样事去体会、验证、证实你所信的神是有权柄的，证实他主宰着你的命运，他的能力时时都在证实着他是真实的神自己，这是每个人达到认识神必须要经历的一个途径。……因为神的所有所是、神的一切都不是空洞的，而是实际的。”

丈夫交通说：“我们凭着想象、推理、猜测病情会恶化，认为自己会像facebook上那个女的会死，甚至准备放弃治疗等死，我们能这样想，也打算这么做，是因我们对神的全能主宰不认识造成的。我们是受造之物，自己掌管不了自己的命运，就连下一秒会发生什么都预测不到，怎么能想象得到更长久的事呢？每个人的命运以及寿命的长短都是神说了算，我们不能根据其他的癌症病例、科学知识来推测、判断自己以后的病情与结果，因为这与神主宰的事实根本不相符。所以，我们得学会放下自己的想象，把自己完全交托给神，真实地依靠神，在以后的治疗中体会神的主宰，这样做才合乎真理，才合神的心意啊！”

听完神的话和丈夫的交通，我认识到自从得了癌症，就总凭想象推理自己会像丈夫家患癌症的亲戚、Facebook的患者一样死去，所以就常常痛苦，总想放弃治疗等死。我现在明白了，猜测与想象不能使我认识神主宰的事实，不能让我顺服神的安排，只能使我远离神活在痛苦中。今天我会受什么苦，身体会变成什么样，医生说了不算，别人的经历也不是我的经历，只有神知道我会面临什么，也只有神能掌握、主宰我的一切。我应该做的就是对神有真实的信，多在这过程中依靠神，按神所作的事实来认识神。我想到之前和其他癌症患者接受一样的治疗，但每次化疗后的副作用比他们都少，恢复得也比他们都快，这不都是神在保守吗？感谢神！看到神的话，我再次有了信心去经历，也愿意放下自己的想象，顺服神的主宰.

化疗3个月后，医生高兴地告诉我，癌瘤已小到用手摸不到，还说我是她见过的恢复得最快最好的一个，经过他们商量，我不用做全切手术，只在乳房里做一点小手术就好。此时，我流出了激动的眼泪，我知道这是神的爱，是神的拯救！当我不凭着观念想象，实际地按神话要求去面对癌症时，我看到了神的作为，神将一切都改变了！感谢神，在做手术那天，我和丈夫一起祷告神、依靠神，手术进行得很顺利。离开医院时，医生很高兴地说：“你真的很幸运，你是我这几年见过治疗最快最好的人，癌瘤已经切除干净，只要以后定期来复查就可以了！”我很高兴地对他说：“是我的神救了我。”

神的话说：“无论你的背景怎么样，也无论你的前方旅途怎么样，总之，没有一个人能逃脱上天的摆布与安排，没有一个人能掌控自己的命运，因为只有那一位——主宰万物的能作这样的工作。”“你跟着神走没错，神不会把你领到沟里去，就是把你交给撒但，神也会负责到底，你得有这个信心，这就是受造之物对神该有的态度，‘神就是把我交给撒但当玩物，他也是神，我不能改变跟随他的心，不能改变对他的信’，这就对了。”

是的，只有神能主宰人的命运，当我们遇到任何的险境时，只有神能作我们的主，我们只要具备对神真实的信心，就能度过眼前任何的难关。回想这次在癌症经历中，神一步步带领我，让我重新燃起了对抗癌症的信心：当我对生命失去希望，躺在床上放弃治疗时，是神的话鼓励我，让我有勇气面对治疗；当我承受治疗的痛苦时，神的爱支撑着我，给我力量、伴随我度过了癌症的折磨；当我迷失方向，凭观念想象定规自己的命运结局时，神没有因我的愚昧无知放弃我，还在用神的话开启带领我，并坚定了我的信心，给了我依靠。经历了一次癌症，我感受到的是神对我无私的爱与眷顾，也真实地体尝到，只有神是我的依靠，只有神能主宰掌握我的一切。这次的经历让我铭刻在心，我由衷地向神献上感谢、赞美！

现在我已经恢复健康，可以正常地生活，正常地工作，在教会中也力所能及地尽上了自己的本分，我感到每天都过得很充实，很快乐！我很庆幸自己跟随了神，感谢神给了我第二次生命！我立下心志：愿将以后的光阴交给神，顺服神的摆布安排，继续经历神的作工，作出见证还报神的爱。

Testimony…

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One day two years ago, I felt a bag on my chest while taking a shower, and I couldn’t help but think: Why did I suddenly grow a bag? If I look at the recent weight loss for no reason, will I get any bad disease? But then I thought: What kind of disease will I get at such a young age? Don’t scare me, I should be fine! But after two months, I lost 20 pounds compared to before, sometimes I suddenly stood up with black eyes, and it took a minute or two to see things, when I went out shopping or ran errands, I had to rest for an hour or two to recover my strength, and from time to time I had chest pain and some difficulty breathing, I couldn’t help but wonder: Did I have some disease?

Just in case, I went to the hospital for a check-up, and the doctor said, “The bag in my chest is a tumor, and it is very active, so you have to go to a specialized hospital for excision.” “I came to the cancer hospital again with trepidation. After doing a thorough examination, the doctor told me that I had breast cancer and that I had to be treated as soon as possible, otherwise, my life would be in danger when the cancer spread. He and other oncologists decided on a treatment plan and told me that if I started chemotherapy, my hair would fall out, my eyes would become inflamed, my mouth would have sores, and I would vomit. Listening to what the doctor said, my mind went blank and I couldn’t listen to anything, I sat down in my chair and fell into despair: I was only 24 years old when I got cancer, should I die at such a young age? Several of my husband’s relatives had cancer and died without being cured, and his aunt also died of breast cancer, should I die like this?

In desperation, I walked on the way home, looking at the crowds coming and going, listening to the laughter of adults and children in the park, my mood was full of melancholy, helplessness, and pain welled up in my heart, and tears flowed uncontrollably when I thought that I had cancer. When I got home, I prayed to God, “God, the diagnosis from the hospital seems to be the verdict of my death, and now I am scared and very sad. What should I do? Lead me and help me out of this desperate situation. During the prayer, I remembered God’s Word: “Almighty God is the Almighty Doctor!” To live in sickness is to be sick, to live in spirit is not to be sick, as long as you have a breath, God will not let you die.” “The fate of man is in the hands of God……” God’s words gave me great comfort and confidence, and at the same time moved me, I also understood that God is in charge of the fate of mankind and all things, and my life is in God’s hands, and without God’s permission, even if I have cancer, I will not die. With God as my back, I have nothing to worry about. I should give myself to God, submit to God’s sovereign arrangement, be at God’s mercy, and face cancer bravely. Thinking about this, my emotions gradually stabilized and became less painful.

Next, I prayed and leaned on God and received healing. But after I went home from chemotherapy for the first time, I was dizzy, had tinnitus, vomiting, and didn’t want to eat anything, and I didn’t have any strength. Thinking about the 21 times of chemotherapy, when this pain ended, my tears flowed out uncontrollably, and later, I didn’t eat for 4 days, my body was very uncomfortable, I wanted to give up the treatment in the pain, and I felt that it was better to die than so painful. When my roommate saw that I was uncomfortable, he took care of me, comforted me, and read God’s Word to me. I gained faith by praying to God and relying on God’s Word, and when I had faith in God, I recovered well. During a follow-up check-up in the hospital, I happened to meet a patient who had been undergoing chemotherapy with me, she was skinny, and weak, and talked to me with a cat, and she was constantly panting. I received treatment with her, but now I have gained 10 pounds, my blood value has also recovered, and my physical strength is also very good. At this time, I burst into tears, deeply touched by God’s love.

In March 2017, I browsed a Facebook message on my phone: A breast cancer patient was treated for 3 years, but eventually died due to ineffective treatment. Seeing what happened to her, I thought that I had been treated for months, could I be like her and die?

Not long after, when I went to the hospital for chemotherapy, the doctor said that they had made an appointment with the surgeon and the plastic surgeon to discuss my surgical plan and that I would have to remove all of my breasts so that I was ready for surgery. The doctor’s words made me suffer again: I have been afraid of pain since I was a child, and now I have to have a total resection, and it will hurt after the operation, will I die like the woman on Facebook? If I will die sooner or later, I will not have surgery. The doctor’s words kept echoing in my mind, I was in pain when I returned home, my physical discomfort after chemotherapy, the impact of my emotions, I couldn’t get up in bed for three days, except for eating, I lay in bed. When my husband saw that I was uncomfortable, he read a passage of God’s Word with me: “Some people like to reason and imagine, but where can the maximum scope of man’s imagination go? Can it go beyond this world? Can man’s reasoning and man’s imagination construct the truth and accuracy of God’s authority? Can man’s reasoning and man’s imagination construct the truth and accuracy of God’s authority? Can man’s reasoning and imagination be able to truly comprehend and obey God’s authority? Facts have proved that man’s reasoning and man’s imagination are only the product of man’s mind, and they are not of the slightest help or benefit to man’s understanding of God’s authority. Since we cannot know God’s authority by imagination, what is the only way to achieve true knowledge of God’s authority? Through eating and drinking God’s Word, through fellowship, and through the experience of God’s Word, we can gradually experience and gradually confirm that we can gradually understand, and we can know it step by step, and there is no other way to know God’s authority. Not letting you imagine it doesn’t mean you sitting still, or not letting you do nothing. Don’t use your brain to think and imagine, you don’t need to reason logically, you don’t use knowledge to analyze, you don’t rely on science, but through God’s Word, through the truth, through everything you come into contact with in life, to experience, verify, and confirm that the God you believe in is authoritative, to prove that He is in charge of your destiny, and His ability to confirm that He is the real God Himself, which is a way that everyone must go through to know God.  For all that God is and that all that God is is not empty, but actual. ”

“We think and plan to do this because we don’t know the Almighty Lord of God,” said the husband. We are creatures, we are in control of our own destiny, we can’t even predict what will happen in the next second, how can we imagine something more long-lasting? Everyone’s fate and the length of life are God’s final say, and we can’t speculate and judge our future illness and outcome based on other cancer cases and scientific knowledge, because this is not at all consistent with the fact that God is in control. Therefore, we must learn to let go of our imagination, surrender ourselves completely to God, truly rely on God, and experience God’s sovereignty in the future treatment, so that it is in line with the truth and God’s heart!”

After listening to God’s Word and my husband’s fellowship, I realized that since I had cancer, I always reasoned by my imagination that I would die like my husband’s relatives who had cancer and Facebook patients, so I was always in pain and wanted to give up treatment and wait for death. I now understand that speculation and imagination cannot make me aware of the fact that God is sovereign, and cannot make me submit to God’s arrangement, but only keep me away from God and live in pain. What I will suffer today, what will become of my body, what the doctor says, and other people’s experiences are not mine, only God knows what I will face, and only God can control and control everything about me. What I should do is to have true faith in God, rely on God more in the process, and know God according to the facts He has done. I think of the same treatment I received for other cancer patients before, but after each chemotherapy treatment, I had fewer side effects and recovered faster than them, isn’t this all God-preserving? Thank God! Seeing God’s Word, I once again had the confidence to experience it, and I was willing to let go of my imagination and submit to God’s Lord.

After 3 months of chemotherapy, the doctor happily told me that the cancer was too small to be touched by hand, that I had the fastest and best recovery she had ever seen, and that after they discussed it, I would not need to have a total resection, just a small operation in the breast. At this time, I shed tears of emotion, I know that this is God’s love, it is God’s salvation! When I face cancer according to the requirements of mythology, I see God’s work, God has changed everything! Thank God, on the day of the operation, my husband and I prayed to God and relied on God, and the operation went smoothly. When I left the hospital, the doctor said happily, “You are really lucky, you are the person I have seen the fastest and best treatment in the past few years, the cancer has been removed, as long as you come back for regular check-ups in the future!” I happily said to him: “It was my God who saved me.” ”

God’s Word: “No matter what your background may be, no matter what your journey lies ahead, no one can escape the mercy and arrangement of God, and no one can control his destiny, because only that One, the Ruler of all things, can do such a work.” “It’s right that you follow God, God won’t lead you into the ditch, even if he hands you over to Satan, God will be responsible to the end, you have to have this faith, this is the attitude of the creature towards God, ‘God just gave me to Satan as a plaything, he is also God, I can’t change my heart to follow him, I can’t change my faith in him’, that’s right. ”

Yes, only God can control the destiny of man, and when we encounter any danger, only God can be our master, as long as we have true faith in God, we can overcome any difficulties in front of us. Looking back on this cancer experience, God led me step by step and rekindled my faith in fighting cancer: when I lost hope in life and lay in bed and gave up treatment, it was God’s Word that encouraged me and gave me the courage to face treatment, and when I endured the pain of treatment, God’s love sustained me and gave me strength. I was with me through the agony of cancer, and when I lost my way and imagined the outcome of my destiny, God did not give up on me because of my ignorance, but still opened and led me with God’s Word, strengthened my faith, and gave me support. After experiencing cancer, I felt God’s selfless love and favor for me, and I truly experienced that only God is my dependence, and only God can control everything I have. This experience is etched in my heart, and I sincerely give thanks and praise to God!

Now that I have recovered my health and can live a normal life, work normally, and do my part as much as I can in the church, I feel that every day is full and happy! I am glad that I have followed God and thank God for giving me a second life! I have made up my mind that I am willing to hand over my future life to God, submit to God’s arrangement, continue to experience God’s work, and testify to repay God’s love.