见证篇176.我交…

《叛教者》生產之痛

小說以二十年代在上海由中國人自己成立的地方教會為背景，寫一群基督徒經歷抗戰、解放和三反五反等各種運動，因著不同的選擇而有了不同的人生。

這群不問政治、遠離世俗的信徒，在社會大動盪中，對帶領人從崇拜到震驚、憤怒，導致信仰崩潰和人生逆轉。然而，真實的盼望卻在拆毀後又被奇妙地重建。

一　等著

冬季是洛杉磯的雨季。但今年，雨一直沒能落得下來。植物和人，都等著；空氣和地，也等著

這是《叛教者》小說自序中的第一句話。當《恩福》雜誌讓我談談這本書的誕生經過時，我看著開頭的這一句話，再次流下了眼淚等著

我從歸信上帝後，似乎總是在“等著”。寫《叛教者》和我之前的寫作最大的不同，也是“等著”。

1999年的復活節我受洗歸信基督。那時我所在的教會有“小群”背景，初信的我卻並不瞭解。誠實地說，在那個教會中我流了許多眼淚；但離開後卻發現，那些日子給我的新生命打下比較紮實的基礎，經歷“破碎”帶給我的祝福，遠遠大於虧損。

1999年底，在達拉斯的跨年禱告會中，趙天恩和滕近輝等老一代牧者關心我，為我按手禱告。結束那天，趙牧師突然在會上提我名說：你是個詩人，要為中國教會寫史詩。他還說了許多，我記不清，但這句話卻扎進我的心底。我當時想，他也就是一時激動之語，真正現代的所謂“史詩”，可不是一首長詩那麼簡單。

這個呼召我有意識地忘了，它卻總是時時隱隱刺痛我，特別是每當我讀到老基督徒的見證，或是在採訪中面對那個時代的掙扎與眼淚。我常在深夜問自己：難道能讓這些鮮活的生命就這樣沉默在塵土中嗎？上帝在這些生命中所做的，不正是要對一代代人說話嗎？

2004年，趙天恩牧師歸天家。我安慰自己，他大概早就忘了對一個小姊妹的這個呼召；但每每有人提到他時，我就心裡忐忑不安，彷彿天父和十字架上耶穌的眼睛總是在看著我；還有許多我採訪過的、為我禱告的、將人生剖在我面前的許多老弟兄老姊妹的目光──他們陸續歸天家了。

但我還是只能等著

因為我不知道從哪裡開始寫？怎麼寫？甚至也懼怕進入這麼龐雜、紛亂、真偽難辨的史料中──我的神學和屬靈體驗能夠理解、剖析這一切嗎？

二　預備

2013年春，我完成了教牧博士學業，研究方向是《舊約聖經文學的漢語處境化研究》。在論文的最後一段，我寫道：“藉助對《聖經》文體和藝術特質的研究，可以為漢語基督教文學創作，提供新的敘事視角和表達方式，讓《聖經》真正成為基督教文學的創作範本，不僅在神學思想上，也在文學形式上？漢語基督教文學在表述的內容和表述的形式都應扎根於《聖經》，從而得著全新的生命力。”

其實這一段文字所表述的，正是我去讀博士的主要目的。夏天參加完畢業典禮，論文由香港浸信會正式出版，我卻知道這只是預備期的結束，是真正征途的開始。

這時我已經基本上明確知道，將以上海的地方教會為材料，描述中國基督徒如何創辦獨立的教會，探索處境化的神學教導、發展教會建構。我希望藉著展示當中一些人的心路歷程和人生故事，來讓讀者和我一起“以人為鏡”、“以史為鑒”，反思個人和教會中存在的問題，深入認識人的罪性和上帝的救恩。

我選擇以小說形式來寫，是為了要讓更多教會以外的人了解基督徒，直面他們的人性、信仰和生活。中國現當代文學界尚沒有一部作品，對這群人作正面、直接的描述，這個缺失理當由基督徒作家去補上。既然要給教外人看，所以我刻意以文學筆法來描述基督教的基本禮儀，如“受洗”、“擘餅”等。

到2014年，我收集的材料基本上都全了，似乎一切都準備好了，但我卻仍只能“等著”。因為這些人物都還在紙上，與我隔著一層紗，我進入不了他們的內心。並且，因著“自愛”、“自憐”，我也懼怕進入他們內心中去。

三　交託

2014年夏，我在新墨西哥州的一次會議中，見到了從上海地方教會出來讀神學院的一個年輕傳道人。會議期間，我連續四個晚上採訪了他；之後，又承蒙他來洛杉磯繼續接受我採訪。透過他身在其中的反思，這些歷史人物終於活生生地出現在我面前。但同時，他們的痛苦、信仰和生命中的矛盾與糾結，也血淋淋地呈現出來。

我覺得，這可能是我一生的呼召和使命，所以還是放一放，到老了再寫吧！那時，也許社會、政治、教會各種環境都更好些，我也更成熟些。於是我開筆寫另一本小說。但上帝卻停了我的筆。

那年秋天，我們為基督徒文學藝術的核心人士在中國辦了一次退修會，主題是“恐懼”。我是從禱告中確定這個主題的，但當時一點不覺得這與我自己有什麼關係。會中一個個同路人輪流分享，大家懇切彼此代禱。輪到我時，我跪下來，突然就面對了自己裡面巨大的恐懼。這恐懼像一個巨大的黑洞，要把我吞進去。

我那時是《海外校園》的主編，兼教會的傳道人，這樣的身份能投入文學創作嗎？長篇小說的創作，就如同替書中角色活一遍。倘若要寫《叛教者》這小說，我不知道自己在過程中會不會懷疑上帝、懷疑信仰？我能帶著筆下人物進入並走出死蔭幽谷嗎？寫作過程中，我的情緒會起伏很大，我能自控並繼續在教會教導、牧養嗎？若失控，弟兄姊妹們怎麼看？我若一層層剖開人性的真實，會不會“絆倒人”？教會是否會把我開除？

其實，那一刻的恐懼比這些能想到的理由還要大得多，我彷彿要被壓碎。

感謝上帝讓我並非孤單而行。退修會中幾位文學的基督徒同路人以及陪伴我們的牧者，一起為我按手禱告。他們不客氣地指出我的“自愛”，鼓勵我願意被主完全破碎。然後他們又一個個擁抱我，說：無論我在寫作過程中發生什麼問題，將來華人教會如何看待這本書和作者，他們都認我為肢體。

緊接著，在香港一次大會中，我和華人牧者團隊中的幾位理事老友分享了這個異象。幾位牧者也感到這個

寫作任務十分艱巨，他們一同為跪在地上的我按手禱告。他們的禱告也正是我心中的禱告，祈求上帝天父完全掌管，拿去我一切的自主意識，讓天父的意思暢行在我的心中和筆下。我想，如此交託後，就算結果不好，主也紀念，我也可算是為主受苦。若是出於自己，我不僅寫不好，寫出來也承擔不了。

四　禱寫

回到洛杉磯後，我開始寫作。從2014年12月到2015年8月24日完成了27萬字初稿。再用三個月實地核查小說中的故地，重新閱讀相關著作，與見證人和學者、牧師討論，並得到中美各處地方教會牧長們的盡力幫助。2016年1月到4月進行補充和修改，完成32萬字的《叛教者》全稿。

整個寫作過程真是天天經歷神跡！

其一，上帝讓一對來自上海地方教會的母女成為我的鄰居，她倆天天為我寫作禱告。每次要開筆時，我都會微信她們，她們就開始禱告。有時還是寫不出來，她們就會放下一切手中的事，跪下禱告。有時她們因事沒有集中精力禱告，我筆下就不暢了。等我完成當天的寫作，發微信告訴她們，我們才一同輕鬆下來。這真是讓我完全依賴禱告來寫作。不誇張地說，《叛教者》寫作過程中，寫字的時間沒有禱告的時間多。

其二，很多場景，特別是監獄中的事，還有許多生動感人的細節，都是我想像不出來的。聖靈帶領我，多次在凌晨的夢裡進入當天要寫的場景中，像是走進電影中一般。

其三，寫作和修改過程中，天父不斷將相關歷史的研究者、見證人、補充材料等，帶到我面前。

感謝主，在寫作過程中雖然經歷身體和心靈的煎熬，但信仰卻在我心中越來越真實而堅定。一方面我深深感嘆：“若將我扔進那個絞肉機般的時代，我最大的可能就是成為一個叛教者。”另一方面，我又比任何時候都更感恩！“因為知道我所信的是誰，也深信祂能保全我所交付祂的（或作：祂所交托我的），直到那日。”（提摩太後書1:12）

6月底，美國南方出版社簽下合同，7月面市。一個多月來，這本書已經得到基督徒和非基督徒讀者、文學評論家、牧者、歷史學者和社會學者的關注與好評。

我深感自己和書中這群人站在一起，成了一台戲，給世人和天使觀看。瓦器雖然破碎，但裡面的寶貝卻發出了光來。

01.创作的主旨、初衷和目的

《叛教者》这本书的主旨，是揭示出人是各样的不可把握——对环境不可把握，对自己不可把握，甚至对于自己所信的，我们也很难持守，但上帝却是永恒不变的，并且祂的爱也是永恒不变的。

这本书我就是想写一群有信仰的人，在这种变幻的历史之中，经历各样的苦难，各样的不能把握，他们和那些没有信仰的人之间有什么不同？因为在中国历史中，特别是近当代历史中，发生了一连串的政治事件。其实所有的动荡，都呈现出人心中的真实、隐恶和软弱。

这时，我们似乎看上帝好像没有做什么，只是默默地旁观我们受苦。当我借着这本书，梳理那个时代的人物和故事，梳理他们在历史中命运的转折变化以及他们最终的结果，我们看到上帝的手，也看到祂的保守和关爱。

在中国历史中，特别是这本书主要描写的三四十年代一直到七十年代，在这个过程中，通过文学也好，通过历史记录也好，我们看到各个人群在现当代历史中的命运。但是，基督徒这群有信仰的人，在这个历史阶段的生命状态是怎样的？他们所经历所遭受的，其实大家都不知道。

换言之，有这么一大群人生活在我们中间，却被历史掩盖了，后人记录的历史中没有这群人！以至于我们以为，中国近当代史里面好像是没有信仰群体的。

但事实上，这样一个族群，他们同样经历了现当代史的整个波澜壮阔的起伏跌宕。我想把他们的生命重新呈现出来。

那么，对于非基督徒来说，他们也需要知道这个社会中基督徒的人生是怎样的？或者说，在中华民族经受各样苦难的时候，这群人和其他人一样承受了各样的苦难；而且，在承受苦难的同时，他们承受的撕裂和压力更大。然而，他们对待苦难的态度，以及他们里面那个信仰被重新建立、甚至压碎重塑的过程，是非常有意义的。

另外一点关于我写这本书的初衷是，我是1999年信主的，复活节受洗，1999年底去参加达拉斯的跨年祷告会。在全场祷告的时候，赵天恩牧师突然喊我的名字说：“施玮你来为中国祷告！”那是我第一次在公众面前、在这么大的聚会上带祷告。当时上帝让我看见街上走的那些人、还有公共汽车上那些人的脸……那些脸和灵魂的真实状态深深地印在我的心中。

那次聚会结束时，当时已经是2000年了，赵天恩牧师在台上忽然又说：“施玮，你来为中国教会写史诗。”我当时的理解，史诗就是写一首诗。后来我的确也写了一首组歌，但上帝渐渐就将这个显明了，祂是要我来写中国教会历史中发生的这些事情，要我来写这些用生命、用血来成为种子的信仰者，要我来写这些用生命撒种在那块土地上的殉道者——虽然我用的是“叛教者”这个名字，但每一个因着信仰被压碎，每一个因着信仰而舍己的人，无论是主动舍的还是被动舍的，其实都是殉道者。

另外，书名之所以没有用“殉道者”，我觉得没有一个人是真正自己要殉道的，我们的天性都是“叛教”的，但神拣选我们，使我们成为殉道者。谁能主动来殉道呢？当我们以为自己主动的时候，其实仍然是被动的，我们不过是神手中的器皿。

赵天恩牧师归天家以后，他在台上呼召我的那双眼睛就好像总是在天上看着我。其实我跟赵牧师并没有太多私下的接触，但他那次的呼召就没有离开过我。我总觉得很对不起，因为后来我虽然写了很多东西，做了很多事，但总觉得辜负了刚刚信主时他的呼召。

所以，我就决心来写《叛教者》，目前在写宋尚节，而且我打算一直写下去，以半虚构和非虚构的形式，将中国教会历史中的重大事件和人物，特别是将那一个个基督的生命，呈现出来。这就是我写作的目的。我的目的不为了别的，甚至也不是为了辨别历史中一些事情细节的真伪，而是要我们的生命在基督生命里被成全的真实，这就是我写这本书的初衷。

02.以史为镜、认识自己

但凡是一个人，他内心都会有“宗教情结”。因为人都是由上帝所造的。人不是动物，不是植物；人之所以为人，是因为我们都有良心，而且这个良心来源于灵魂和生命。这个层面其实才是文学要表达的。

今天我们看到很多文学好像只是讲故事，其实如果文学只是表达我们日常生活的一些奇闻异事，哪怕是很美的故事，这样的文学恐怕渐渐会被新闻所代替，或者被童话所代替。真正的文学，是将一群人灵魂深处的撕裂与挣扎、升华与重造展现给人。

因此，看这本书与其说是看一段历史，不如说是看我们自己，正所谓“以史为镜”，这段历史并不遥远，这些人所经历的可能就是我们父母辈所经历的。

那么，看他们的生活有什么意义呢？我觉得，今天我们常说“活在当下”，但我们活在当下的时候，其实我们只活在自己眼睛所见的事物中。我们以为活在当下非常真实，其实，我们甚至不了解当下；甚至可以说，如果没有历史这面镜子，我们都不知道自己真实的生命、真实的灵魂是怎样的。

比如说今天，无论是基督徒，还是非基督徒，我们常会觉得自己好像一切都挺好的，而这段历史，将人内心深处真实的罪性，以及人心中那个无可把控性，呈现给我们。

打个比方说，有一瓶水，水里面有很多渣滓，如果水和瓶子都处于静止状态，表面看来水挺清的；但一旦瓶子被摇晃，才看见很多渣滓浮上来。同理，当我们生命中没有经历大的苦难，没有经历摇晃的时候，我们有可能活在一种虚假的认识之中，而一旦我们被摇晃，就看见渣滓。

所以，我们借着看前人的历史，看别人在苦难中的生命，我们不等到自己的生命被摇晃，就先来认识自己。只有认识自己里面的罪性，才会更认识救恩的宝贵，也会更认识到我们自己是有限的，是无法自我拯救的。

03.上帝保守的信仰

小说中的基督徒，弃绝信仰成为“叛教者”是有各种原因的。比如说，这个小说里面有一个弟兄，他当时就是看到一些由外部揭露出来的领袖的问题，也看到一些教会内部彼此互相揭发出来的问题，好像这教会不是那么美啊，这个信仰也不是那么完美……他这时其实仍然不想弃绝这位神，病中的他就跟神有个祷告：“今天晚上，你让我的这个指标降下来，那么，不管外面怎么变化，我都信你。”

我觉得这个祷告我非常能理解——就让我的指标降下来，哪怕之后指标再上去都可以，我要你显给我看！但是第二天他一量，他的指标不降反升，所以他就彻底崩溃。他不是不爱主，也不是说一定要被主医治，他是要神——你按我的方式向我显明一次！

这样的信仰在今天看来是太正常不过的事了，但如果回到圣经来看，主对我们的带领、主对我们祷告的应许就不是按照我们的意思。所以，第二天他发现指标不降反升，他就因此认定没有神。

之后，他妻子和女儿仍然信主，还为他祷告，他就非常恨她们。他经常责骂他们，还打他妻子。他还开始追求“进步”……但是，他毕竟还是个基督徒，所以他在政治上并没有前途，他又自暴自弃：打牌、抽烟、喝酒……到一定程度，他甚至非常厌恶自己。

一方面，他每次看到他的妻子女儿祷告的时候，他就有一个自我责备和连带产生的绝望感。这样熬到一九七几年的时候，大概已经二十年了，那时，他就想结束自己的生命，觉得活着毫无意义。他原来是青岛某银行的一个高管，曾经放弃自己所有的东西，将自己的财产、房子全部捐献给教会。他认为自己捐献那么多，所以上帝就应该对他更好一些。

这种信仰的心态，其实也反映了当下我们对信仰的理解和实践。我们忘记了，我们只是上帝的仆人和使女。

这种情况下，他到七几年时想结束生命。那时，他捐献了自己的房子，他住在上海父母家里，他就想从阳台跳下去。他一只腿跨过阳台栏杆的时候，听到敲门声。他问：“谁呀？”没有声音，他就下来了，去开门，门外没人。他就再要去自杀，又到阳台要跳下去时，又听到敲门声，他去开门，还是没有人。

所以，当他第三次听到敲门声，他说：“谁还敲门啊，我都要死了，不开门了！”这时，他听到耶稣说：“是我。”

就这两个字。他说：“我当时就知道是谁的声音！”

这是真实的一个见证，他们回忆的。

当我听到这个见证并写下来时，我非常感动。一个二十年不认主、背叛主的人，仍然能够认得他救主的声音，我觉得这个救恩是有一个确实的把握！我们若是神的羊，就听得见神的声音。所以，他当时听到“是我”，他就知道是主，然后他从阳台栏杆上下来，跪在客厅说：“主，是你？你不是早就走了吗？”主说：“我没有走，我一直在这里。”他就嚎啕痛哭。

当时他跪下来祷告说：“主啊，原来你没有走，你一直在这里！”就这样，他重新回到神的怀里，后来他成为一个传福音非常有能力的人。

我在思想并写作这个小人物的故事的时候，我想到，在这个世界上有多少事是我们有把握的呢？无论是有信仰的还是没有信仰的，我们常常都在一种没有把握之中；但是如果你有真正的信仰，你就知道你的信心和确据，并不在你手中，而是在神的保守之中，就如圣经所说：“因为知道我所信的是谁，也深信他能保全我所交付他的，直到那日。”（参 提摩太后书1:12)

因此，在这个小人物身上我感受到一点——这样由上帝亲自保守的信仰，才是人真正的希望，否则靠我们自己努力修行的，靠我们自己来持守的信仰，其实都是没有把握的，因为我们人都是靠不住的。

基督信仰所讲的不是被动忍耐，而是忍耐生老练，老练生盼望。无论我们怎样得不可靠，上帝的可靠却在我们的生命之中。我相信，这种超越人自我把握、自我控制的一个超越性的恩典和怜悯，是今天的教会、基督徒和所有的人，最需要认识的。因为只有这种超越，可以使我们脱离我们眼见的，脱离我们对自己的那些绝望和困惑，能够转眼仰望耶稣，仰望祂在十字架上所成就的。

耶稣在十字架上成就的是完全的救恩，就是说，我们所有的罪都由祂担当。只要你对这个有信心，你跟祂的生命连结，你就得着。这种超越的信心是这个时代超越宗教、超越文化的一种盼望，这个盼望可以使我们脱离肉体和环境的限制与捆绑。

04《叛教者》背后的故事

在《叛教者》之前，我大概写过三本长篇小说，之前比较多创作的是诗歌、散文等体裁。《叛教者》这本书，开始了我一个全新的写作。因为之前我写的小说，基本上都和自己的生活有关；而关于《叛教者》，起初并没有想过要写这本书。

我是1999年信主以后，深受两个人的影响——宋尚节和倪柝声弟兄。倪弟兄很多的属灵书籍帮助我对自己灵里面的很多细微之处有更多的分析，帮助我学习来炼净自己。我经历很多困难的时候，倪弟兄的诗歌，像《炼我愈精》《让我爱》等对我影响非常大，所以我看他的书也比较多。我所在的那个教会也是有小群背景的，所以我会对地方教会和小群教会比较感兴趣，也收集到比较多的资料。

那年，某福音机构请我去采访许梅骊——许梅骊就是《叛教者》中徐文英的原型，她跟我讲了很多。后来她也写了《难泯岁月》这本书。她是比较写实地记录她所经历的这些难以泯灭的岁月。另外，我也从张锡康弟兄那得到很多见证——张锡康写过一本《地方教会六十年》。

这些书给了我很多史料，我并没有打算要写，但他们一直萦绕在我心中。其实大家对这段经历和这群人最纠结的，就是书中主人公的原型究竟有没有犯这个罪？我却觉得，那不是最重要的！他有没有犯这个罪，是上帝和他之间的关系。但是这一群人，他们的生命向我彰显的，是一群有罪的、和我们有一样性情的人，所以我用小说这个形式的目的，就是写一群和我们一样，甚至是写我自己这样一个或许一定会“叛教”的，一定会犯罪的人，如何因着耶稣而站立，如何被耶稣挽回。

后来，上帝不断带人到我跟前，包括我书中写的这些人的原型，他们年老时给他们送终养老的年轻传道人，我得到很多信息。最后我觉得，大家争论的那个问题我并不关心。也有人问我：“为什么你要写成小说，不写成真名实姓的传记或是历史见证？”我说：“我的目的就不是纠结某个人、某些人、某件事。我的目的，是追问自己的内心。”

如果我们在这本书中寻找的，是别人有没有犯罪，那我不用写这本书！他或犯罪或不犯罪与我何干？我也希望我的读者在这本书中要寻求的是自己：我的信仰里面有哪些是虚谎的？我的生命中有哪些是不讨神喜悦的，是需要被上帝重新破碎、剔除、雕琢、制作的？

在这种情况下，我心中那源自上帝的呼召已经很明确了——要写这本书！甚至“叛教者”这个书名，也是祷告的时候神给的很清楚的。我起初并不想用这个书名，我觉得有些刺激，又不合我的心意，当然也会得罪人。但是一次又一次想改书名，一次又一次神不允许改。

后来有一次，我带一个基督徒艺术家、作家的退修会。那次上帝给我们一个主题，就是“去除恐惧”。你有什么最恐惧的事情？他们祷告，我为他们祷告。这个过程中我觉得我好像没有什么恐惧的事情。每个人到神面前祷告，我这人比较天不怕地不怕，可等轮到我的时候，我跪下来，突然之间，我知道自己恐惧什么——我恐惧写这本书！

那时候，我已经牧会一段时间了。我在人面前已经把自己修炼成一个挺完美的传道人，已经有十来年没有写小说，因为一旦写长篇小说，你会跟着人物起伏而情绪敏感，很难保证自己在写作过程中仍然能够对弟兄姐妹、对同工客客气气。

所以我觉得，写这本书既有可能得罪教会和社会，还有可能使我重新回到一个作家的身份。一个真正的作家是很难隐藏的，因为他里面必须要很敏感，而且真实，去除伪装。

今天基督教的很多文学，甚至我们的见证，其实伪装度是很高的……所以，当我要真正来写这本书的时候，我记得那天晚上大家也为我祷告，我觉得我面前就像一个深潭，一旦跳下去，不知道会是怎样！当时有一个姊妹就指出说：“你不就是怕被打碎了你这个完美的外表吗？好像挺属灵的一个传道人的外表。你不就是怕打碎你自己吗？”

这句话给我很大的震动，我要写的这些人，其实他们也是不愿意打碎自己的，但最后被神打得更碎。我不敢写这群人，也是因为我不敢被破碎。可是，我若不敢被破碎，上帝的光如何照出来？所以我后来就跟这些同伴说，如果我写了，教会把我开除了怎么办？他们就说没事，教会开除你，我们认你做弟兄姐妹。他们中间有几个还是我非常尊敬的牧者。我想，有他们认可就够了！然后就抱着这样的心开始了写作。

生命福音[140]…

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「我告诉你们，先前所请的人，没有一个得尝我的筵席。」【路14: 24】

在世界上甚少有正常的人，是不爱自己家人或亲人，更没有不爱自己生命的，但主却要求我们能为着祂把这个重担放下来。这是一个很严厉的要求；人如果不是绝对归回主，就没有法子答应这个要求。

人与人之间处世复杂，亲情、感情的债也难理清，所以不觉得主的爱宝贵；我们对人所得的爱太满足，就看不见主爱的宝贵。我们爱主的心是要与主同哭泣，同喜乐，才能彰显自己有归正的心。

我们不单要轻看自己的性命和亲情，全心愛主；我们的生活便不会以自己为中心，就需要迸入以基督为中心。

主有资格得着人的心，绝对、完全、没有限制的爱事奉祂；我们若以祂为不配，祂也必以我们为不配，因为我们本来就不配得着救恩的。属地的感情必须受对付，然后才能有归正的心向主。

我们要趁着还有今日来临，免得被罪迷惑，免得恩典的日子过去了，关系平安的事已经隐藏了，叫自己的眼看不见。怜悯现在正向我们招手；基督正等候恩待我们；并光照我们。牧师正在呼召 我们；我们的良心正指责自己；我们现在可以白白地得救恩，在主內有生命的自由！

如果人藐视神的供应与爱心，或许祂在忿怒中起誓，这类先前所请的人，沒有一个得尝神的筵席。感谢神 ! 奉主蒙恩 ! 阿们 ! 

每日活灵(255)…

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「按着律法，凡物差不多都是用血洁净的；若不流血，罪就不得赦免了。」【来9: 22】

『流血』意指丧掉生命，因血里有生命；以生命换生命。

神所赐给我们的基督，并非神所不爱、原想丢弃的，乃是神所喜悦的爱子，为我们舍了的。神既为救赎我们而舍去祂的爱子，则这个救赎是要把我们救到像祂爱子一样的可爱。

救赎是赦免的根据，没有救赎就没有赦免；而赦免则是救赎在罪人身上所产生的效果。我们一切所享受的，都是在祂所已经完成的根基上。

爱子的血满足了神公义的要求，神的救赎和赦免，乃是按照神公义的原则，但我们得着神的救赎和赦免，是照祂丰富的恩典。神公义的惩罚，落在祂爱子身上；神恩典的赏赐，却归给了我们！

神说有，就有；命立，就立。出于神的话，没有一句不带能力。我们蒙重生，是借着神活泼常存的话。

神的话是人生命的光；神的话一解开，就发出亮光。光不只是一切生命之源，而且也是真理之源，喜乐之源，并纯洁之源。

按照我们的观念，神赦免我们很容易，因为祂是主宰一切，而且是全能的。经上说，没有流血，就没有赦罪。现在我们要来看，神如何能得着这样无罪且包罗万有的血。得着这样的血比创造宇宙还要难。为了创造宇宙，神只需要说话。

要使主耶稣成孕，需要圣灵接触童女马利亚。为着这事，就需要神恩典的丰富。主耶稣作木匠，直作到三十岁。最后，祂出来尽祂的职事。虽然祂关心罪人，他们却反对祂，逼迫祂，并图谋杀害祂。祂被祂的一个门徒出卖，被人捉拿。祂受审判。然后祂被钉在十字架上，挂在那里六小时。然后祂被埋葬、复活、又升天，领得了悔改和赦罪。这一切都需要何等大的恩典！因着神恩典的丰富，我们能悔改且得着赦罪。神的恩典是何其无限无量！奉主蒙恩! 阿们! 

Testimoni…

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The pain of the production of “The Apostate”

Shi Wei – Set in the local church founded by the Chinese himself in Shanghai in the twenties, the novel writes about a group of Christians who experienced various movements such as resistance war, liberation, and three against five rebellions and had different lives due to different choices.

This group of believers, who do not care about politics and are far from the world, in the midst of great social turmoil, lead people from worship to shock and anger, leading to the collapse of faith and the reversal of life. However, true hope is wonderfully restored after being demolished.

One waits

Winter is the rainy season in Los Angeles. But this year, the rain has not been able to fall. Plants and people, both wait; Air and ground, also wait

This is the first sentence in the preface to the novel “The Apostate”. When Enfu magazine asked me to talk about the birth of this book, I looked at the opening sentence and shed tears again…

Wait. Since I came to God, I always seem to be “waiting.” The biggest difference between writing “The Apostate” and my previous writing is also “waiting”.

At Easter 1999, I was baptized into Christ. At that time, my church had a “small group” background, but I didn’t know about it when I first believed it. To be honest, I shed many tears in that church; But after leaving, I found that those days laid a solid foundation for my new life, and the blessings brought me by experiencing “brokenness” far outweighed the losses.

At the end of 1999, at the New Year’s Eve prayer meeting in Dallas, the older generation of pastors such as Zhao Tianen and Teng Jinhui cared for me and laid hands on my prayers. At the end of the day, Pastor Zhao suddenly mentioned my name at the meeting and said: You are a poet who wants to write epic poems for the Chinese church. He said a lot that I can’t remember, but it pierced my heart. I thought at the time, he was just a moment of excitement, the real modern so-called “epic” is not as simple as a long poem.

This calling, which I consciously forgot, always tings me, especially when I read the testimony of old Christians or face the struggles and tears of that era in interviews. I often ask myself late at night: Is it possible to let these living beings be silent in the dust like this? Isn’t what God is doing in these lives to speak to generations to come?

In 2004, Pastor Zhao Tianen returned to Heaven. I consoled myself that he had probably forgotten this call to a little sister; But whenever He was mentioned, I felt uneasy, as if the eyes of the Father and Jesus on the cross were always looking at me; And the eyes of many old brothers and sisters I interviewed, prayed for me, and cut their lives before me—they are returning home one after another.

But I still have to wait

 Because I don’t know where to start writing? How to write? Even afraid to enter into such a vast, chaotic, and indistinguishable historical source—can my theological and spiritual experience understand and dissect all of this?

 II Preparation

 In the spring of 2013, I completed my doctorate in pastoral studies in the study of the contextualization of Chinese in Old Testament literature. In the last paragraph of the dissertation, I wrote: “With the help of the study of the stylistic and artistic characteristics of the Bible, we can provide a new narrative perspective and expression for the creation of Chinese Christian literature, so that the Bible can truly become a model for the creation of Christian literature, not only in theological thought but also in the literary form… The content and form of Chinese Christian literature should be rooted in the Bible, so as to gain new vitality. ”

In fact, this paragraph expresses the main purpose of my doctoral studies. Attending the graduation ceremony in the summer, and the paper was officially published by the Hong Kong Baptist Church, I knew that this was only the end of the preparatory period, the beginning of the real journey.

At this time, I had basically made it clear that I would use the local church in Shanghai as material to describe how Chinese Christians founded independent churches, explored contextualized theological teachings, and developed church construction. By showing the mental journeys and life stories of some of them, readers can join me in “taking people as mirrors” and “learning from history”, reflecting on the problems existing in individuals and churches, and deeply understanding the sinfulness of people and the salvation of God.

I chose to write in fiction form in order to let more people outside the church understand Christians and confront their humanity, faith, and life. There is not yet a single work in modern and contemporary Chinese literature that provides a positive and direct description of this group of people, and this lack should be filled by Christian writers. Since I want to show it to outsiders, I deliberately use literary writing to describe the basic rites of Christianity, such as “baptism” and “bread breaking”.

By 2014, I had basically collected all the materials and seemed to be ready, but I still had to “wait”. Because these characters are still on paper, separated from me by a veil, I can’t enter their hearts. Moreover, because of “self-love” and “self-pity”, I am also afraid to enter their hearts.

Three-fold

In the summer of 2014, at a conference in New Mexico, I met a young preacher who had come out of the Shanghai local church to attend seminary. During the meeting, I interviewed him for four consecutive nights; After that, he came to Los Angeles to continue his interview with me. Through his reflection on his presence, these historical figures finally appeared alive in front of me. But at the same time, their pain, beliefs, contradictions, and entanglements in their lives are also bloodily presented.

I think this may be my life’s calling and mission, so let it go and write it when I’m old! At that time, perhaps the social, political, and ecclesiastical environment was better, and I was more mature. So I started writing another novel. But God stopped me.

That fall, we held a retreat in China for the core of Christian literature and art on the theme of “Fear.” I identified this theme from prayer, but at the time I didn’t feel that it had anything to do with myself.

During the meeting, one by one, fellow travelers took turns to share and pray earnestly with each other.

When it was my turn, I knelt down and suddenly faced the great fear within myself. This fear is like a huge black hole that wants to swallow me in. I was the editor-in-chief of Overseas Campus and a preacher of the church, could I devote myself to literary creation in such a capacity? The creation of a novel is like living for the characters in the book. If I were to write the novel “The Apostate”, I wonder if I would doubt God and faith in the process. Can I enter and walk out of the valley of the shadow of death with my characters? In the process of writing, my emotions will fluctuate a lot, can I control myself and continue to teach and shepherd in the church? If it gets out of control, what do the brothers and sisters think? If I dissect the truth of human nature layer by layer, will I “trip people”? Will the church expel me?

In fact, the fear at that moment was much greater than these conceivable reasons, and I felt as if I was going to be crushed.

Thank God I’m not alone. Several fellow literary Christians in the retreat and the pastors who accompanied us laid on my hands and prayed for me. They unceremoniously pointed out my “self-love” and encouraged me to be willing to be completely broken by the Lord. Then they hugged me one by one and said, “No matter what problems I have in the writing process, how the Chinese church will view this book and the author in the future, they will all recognize me as a member.”

Then, at a general meeting in Hong Kong, I shared this vision with several old council members of the Chinese Shepherd team. Several pastors also felt that the task of writing was very difficult, and they laid on my hands and prayed together for me as I knelt on the ground. Their prayer is also the prayer in my heart, asking God that the Father is in complete control, taking away all my autonomy, and letting the Father’s will flow freely in my heart and pen. I think that after such a trust, even if the result is not good, the Lord will commemorate it, and I can be regarded as suffering for the Lord. If it is out of myself, not only can I write badly, but I can’t bear it.

Four prayers are written

After returning to Los Angeles, I started writing. From December 2014 to August 24, 2015, the first draft of 270,000 words was completed. Another three months were spent on-site inspections of the novel’s origins, re-reading the relevant works, discussing with witnesses, scholars, and pastors, and receiving the best help from local church pastors throughout China and the United States. From January to April 2016, it was supplemented and revised to complete the full draft of “The Apostate” of 320,000 words.
The whole writing process is truly miraculous every day!

First, God made a mother and daughter from the local church in Shanghai my neighbors, and they wrote and prayed for me every day. Every time I wanted to write, I would WeChat about them and they would start praying. Sometimes they still can’t write, so they drop everything they have in hand and kneel down to pray. Sometimes they don’t concentrate on prayer, and I don’t write well. When I finished writing for the day and told them on WeChat, we relaxed together. It really made me completely dependent on prayer to write. It is no exaggeration to say that during the writing of “The Apostate”, there was less time for writing than time for prayer.

Second, many scenes, especially the events in prison, and many vivid and touching details that I could not imagine. The Holy Spirit led me many times in my dreams into the scenes I was going to write that day, as if I were in a movie.

Third, in the process of writing and revising the process, the Father constantly brought to me relevant historical researchers, witnesses, supplementary materials, etc.

Thank the Lord that despite the physical and spiritual ordeal I experienced in the process of writing, my faith became more and more true and firm in my heart. On the one hand, I deeply sighed: “If you throw me into that meat grinder-like era, the best I can do is become an apostate.” “On the other hand, I am more grateful than ever!” Because I know who I believe in, and I am confident that He can preserve what I have entrusted to Him (or do: what He has entrusted to me) until that day. (2 Timothy 1:12)

At the end of June, Southern Press signed a contract and launched it in July. For more than a month, the book has received attention and praise from Christian and non-Christian readers, literary critics, pastors, historians, and sociologists.

I felt that I stood with the group of people in the book and became a drama for the world and the angels to see. Although the pottery was broken, the treasure inside emitted light.

 01. The main purpose, original intention, and purpose of creation

The thrust of The Apostate is to show that man is ungraspable in all ways—ungraspable of circumstances, ungraspable of oneself, and difficult to hold on to even what we believe, but God is eternal and his love is eternal.

In this book, I just want to write about a group of people of faith, in this changing history, experiencing all kinds of suffering, all kinds of ungraspable, what is the difference between them and those who do not have faith? Because in Chinese history, especially in modern and contemporary history, a series of political events have taken place. In fact, all turmoil presents the truth, hidden evil, and weakness in the human heart.

At this point, we seem to see God as if he is doing nothing, just silently watching us suffer. When I use this book to comb through the characters and stories of that era, the twists and turns of their fortunes in history, and their final results, we see God’s hand, but also his protection and love.

In Chinese history, especially the thirties and forties to the seventies, which this book mainly describes, in the process, whether through literature or historical records, we see the fate of various groups of people in modern and contemporary history. But what is the state of life of Christians, a group of people of faith, at this stage of history? What they went through and suffered, no one knows.

In other words, there is such a large group of people living among us, but they are covered up by history, and there is no such group of people in history recorded by future generations! So much so that we think that there seems to be no faith community in China’s modern history.

But in fact, such a group of people, they have also experienced the entire ups and downs of modern and contemporary history. I want to bring their lives back to life.

So, for non-Christians, they also need to know what life is like for a Christian in this society. In other words, when the Chinese nation endured all kinds of suffering, this group of people endured all kinds of sufferings like everyone else; And, while suffering is accompanied by greater tears and pressure. However, their attitude toward suffering and the process by which the faith within them is re-established and even crushed is very meaningful.

Another thing about my motivation for writing this book is that I came to Christ in 1999, was baptized at Easter, and went to a New Year’s Eve prayer meeting in Dallas in late 1999. During the prayer in the audience, Pastor Zhao Tianen suddenly called my name and said, “Shi Wei, you come to pray for China!” “It was the first time I had prayed in public, at such a big gathering. God showed me the faces of the people walking on the street and the people on the bus… The true state of those faces and souls is deeply imprinted in my heart.

At the end of that meeting, it was 2,000 years old, and Pastor Zhao Tianen suddenly said on the stage: “Shi Wei, you have come to write an epic poem for the Chinese church.” “My understanding at the time was that epic is writing a poem. Later, I did write a set of songs, but God gradually made it clear that he wanted me to write about these things that happened in the history of the Chinese church, about these believers who used their lives and blood to become seeds, and about these martyrs who sowed their lives on that land – although I used the name “apostate”, but everyone who is crushed because of faith, every person who sacrifices himself because of faith, whether actively or passively, is actually a martyr.

In addition, the reason why the title does not use “martyr” is that I think no one is really martyred himself, our nature is “apostasy”, but God chose us to make us martyrs. Who can take the initiative to martyrdom? When we think we are active, we are still passive, and we are just vessels in God’s hands.

After Pastor Zhao Tianen returned to heaven, the eyes that called me on the stage seemed to always look at me from heaven. Actually, I didn’t have much personal contact with Pastor Zhao, but his call never left me. I always felt sorry, because later on, although I wrote a lot of things and did a lot of things, I always felt that I had failed his call when I first came to Christ.

Therefore, I am determined to write “The Apostate”, which I am currently writing about the Song Shang Festival, and I intend to continue to write about it, in semi-fiction and non-fiction form, to present the major events and figures in history of the Chinese church, especially the life of Christ. That’s what I’m writing for. My purpose is not to do anything else, not even to discern the truth of some of the details of history, but to make our lives true in the life of Christ, which is why I wrote this book.

02. Use history as a mirror and know yourself

But any person will have a “religious complex” in his heart. Because all people were created by God. Man is not an animal, not a plant; We are human because we all have a conscience, and that conscience comes from the soul and life. This level is actually what literature wants to express.

Today we see a lot of literature that seems to be just telling stories, in fact, if literature only expresses some anecdotes of our daily life, even if it is a beautiful story, I am afraid that such literature will gradually be replaced by news, or replaced by fairy tales. True literature is to show people the tearing and struggle, sublimation, and recreation of the soul of a group of people.

Therefore, reading this book is not so much to look at a piece of history as to look at ourselves, the so-called “history as a mirror”, this history is not far away, and what these people have experienced may be what our parents experienced.

So, what’s the point of looking at their lives? I think today we often say “Live in the moment”, but when we live in the present, we only live in what we see with our eyes. We think that living in the present moment is very real, but in fact, we don’t even understand the present moment; It can even be said that without the mirror of history, we do not know what our real life and true soul are.

For example, today, whether Christians or non-Christians, we often feel as if everything is fine, and this history presents to us the true sinfulness of the human heart and the uncontrollable nature of the human heart.

For example, there is a bottle of water, there is a lot of dregs in the water, if the water and the bottle are in a static state, the surface of the water looks quite clear; But once the bottle was shaken, I saw a lot of dregs floating up. In the same way, when we do not experience great suffering in our lives when we do not experience shaking, we may live in a false understanding, and once we are shaken, we see scum.

Therefore, by looking at the history of our predecessors and the lives of others in suffering, we do not wait until our own lives are shaken, and we first come to know ourselves. Only by knowing the sinful nature in ourselves will we better understand the preciousness of salvation and realize that we ourselves are limited and cannot save ourselves.

03. God’s Conservative Faith

Christians in fiction reject faith and become “apostates” for various reasons. For example, there is a brother in this novel, who saw some problems of leaders exposed from the outside and also saw some problems that were exposed to each other within the church, as if this church is not so beautiful, this faith is not so perfect… He still didn’t want to reject this god at this time, and when he was sick, he had a prayer with God: “Tonight, you let this indicator of mine come down, then, no matter what changes outside, I will believe you.” ”

I think I understand this prayer very well – let my indicators come down, even if they go up later, I want you to show me! But the next day, his indicators did not fall but rose, so he completely collapsed. He doesn’t love the Lord, he doesn’t mean he must be healed by the Lord, he wants God—you show me once the way I do!

Such faith may seem normal today, but if we go back to the Bible, the Lord’s guidance to us and the Lord’s promises to our prayers are not what we intended. So, the next day he found that the indicator had not fallen but risen, and he decided that there was no God.

After that, his wife and daughter still believed in Christ and prayed for him, and he hated them very much. He often scolded them and beat his wife. He also began to pursue “progress”  However, he was still a Christian after all, so he had no future in politics, and he beat himself up: playing cards, smoking, drinking… At some point, he even loathed himself very much.

On the one hand, every time he saw his wife and daughter praying, he felt a sense of self-blame and associated despair. By the time he survived until 1970, it had been about twenty years, and at that time, he wanted to end his life and felt that living was meaningless. He turned out to be an executive of a bank in Qingdao, who once gave up all his belongings and donated all his property and house to the church. He thought he gave so much that God should be kind to him.

This kind of faith mentality actually reflects our current understanding and practice of faith. We forget that we are only servants and handmaids of God.

In this case, he wanted to end his life by the time he was seven years old. At that time, he donated his house, he lived in his parents’ house in Shanghai, and he wanted to jump off the balcony. As he stepped over the balcony railing with one leg, he heard a knock on the door. He asked, “Who?” “There was no sound, so he came down and went to open the door, and there was no one outside the door. He was about to commit suicide again, and when he was about to jump off the balcony, he heard another knock on the door, and he went to open the door, but there was still no one.

So, when he heard a knock on the door for the third time, he said, “Whoever still knocks on the door, I’m going to die, don’t open the door!” Then he heard Jesus say, “It’s me.” ”

Just those two words. He said: “I knew whose voice it was! ”

This is a real testimony, they recall.

When I heard this testimony and wrote it down, I was very moved. A person who has not confessed and betrayed the Lord for twenty years can still recognize the voice of his Savior, and I think this salvation is a sure certainty! If we are God’s sheep, we can hear God’s voice. So, when he heard “It’s me,” he knew it was the Lord, and then he got down from the balcony railing, knelt in the living room, and said, “Lord, is it you?” Didn’t you leave long ago? The Lord said, “I have not left, I have always been here.” He cried.

He knelt down and prayed, “Lord, you haven’t left, you’ve been here!” In this way, he returned to God’s arms, and later he became a very powerful evangelist.

As I was thinking and writing the story of this little man, I thought, how many things in this world are we sure of? Whether we have faith or not, we are often in a state of uncertainty; But if you have true faith, you know that your faith and assurance are not in your hands, but in God’s protection, as the Bible says, “For knowing who I believe and confident that He can preserve what I have entrusted to Him until that day.” (See 2 Timothy 1:12)

Therefore, in this little person, I feel a little – such a faith that is personally guarded by God is the real hope of man, otherwise, the faith that we work hard to practice and maintain by ourselves is actually unsure, because we are all unreliable.

Christianity is not about passive patience but about patience and sophistication, and sophistication of hope. No matter how unreliable we may be, God’s reliability is in our lives. I believe that this transcendent grace and mercy that transcends one’s self-grasp and self-control is what the church, Christians and all people today need to know most. Only this transcendence can free us from what we see, from our despair and confusion about ourselves, and turn our eyes to Jesus and what He accomplished on the cross.

What Jesus accomplished on the cross was complete salvation, that is, all our sins were borne by Him. As long as you have faith in this, you are connected to His life, and you will have it. This transcendent faith is a hope in this age that transcends religion and culture and can free us from the limitations and bondage of the flesh and the environment.

04The story behind “The Apostate”

Before The Apostate, I had written about three novels, and before that, I wrote more poetry, prose, and other genres. The book “The Apostate” began a whole new writing for me. Because the novels I wrote before were basically related to my own life; And about “The Apostate”, at first it was not thought to write this book.

After I came to Christ in 1999, I was deeply influenced by two people, Brother Soong Shangjie and Brother Watchman Nee. Brother Ni’s many spiritual books have helped me to analyze many subtleties in my spirit and help me learn to purify myself. When I experienced a lot of difficulties, Brother Ni’s poems, such as “Refine Me and Refine Me” and “Let Me Love”, had a great influence on me, so I read his books more. The church I work in also has a small group background, so I will be more interested in local churches and small group churches, and I will collect more information.

That year, a gospel organization asked me to interview Xu Meili, the prototype of Xu Wenying in “The Apostate,” and she told me a lot. Later, she also wrote the book “Hard Years”. She is a more realistic record of these indelible years she has experienced. In addition, I have received many testimonies from Brother Zhang Xikang, who wrote the book “Sixty Years of the Local Church”.

These books gave me a lot of historical information that I didn’t intend to write, but they haunted me. In fact, what everyone is most entangled with this experience and this group of people is whether the prototype of the protagonist in the book committed this crime. But I don’t think that’s the most important thing! Whether he sinned or not is a relationship between God and Him. But this group of people, whose lives show me, is a group of sinful people who have the same temperament as us, so my purpose in the form of fiction is to write about a group of people who are just like us, or even myself, who may definitely be “apostasy” and must sin, how they stand because of Jesus and how they are redeemed.

Later, God kept bringing people to me, including the prototypes of these people in my book, the young preacher who gave them the end of their life when they were old, and I got a lot of information. In the end, I don’t think I care about the issue that everyone is arguing about. Some people also asked me: “Why do you write a novel, not a biography or historical testimony with your real name?” I said, “My purpose is not to get entangled with someone, someone, or something.” My purpose is to ask my heart. ”

If what we’re looking for in this book is whether someone else has sinned, then I don’t need to write this book! What does it matter to me whether he sins or not? I also want my readers to seek themselves in this book: What Lies in my faith? What are the things in my life that are not pleasing to God and need to be broken, removed, carved, and made again by God?

In this case, the call from God in my heart is clear—to write this book! Even the title “The Apostate” was given clearly by God during prayer. I didn’t want to use the title at first, I felt a little excited, it didn’t suit my heart, and of course, it offended people. But again and again, I wanted to change the title of the book, and again and again, God did not allow it.

Later, I took a retreat from a Christian artist and writer. That time God gave us a theme, which was “removing fear.” What are your worst fears? They pray, and I pray for them. I felt as if I didn’t have anything to fear during this process. Everyone prayed before God, and I was a fearless person, but when it was my turn, I got down on my knees, and all of a sudden, I knew what I was afraid of—I was afraid to write this book!

At that time, I had been a shepherd for some time. I have cultivated myself into a perfect preacher in front of people, and I have not written a novel for more than ten years, because once you write a long novel, you will follow the ups and downs of the characters and be emotionally sensitive, and it is difficult to ensure that you can still be polite to brothers and sisters and fellow workers in the process of writing.

So I felt that writing this book would both offend the church and society, and it might bring me back to being a writer. It is difficult for a real writer to hide because he must be sensitive and truthful inside, without pretense.

Much of the literature of Christianity today, and even our testimony, is actually very disguised… So, when I was going to actually write this book, I remember that night everyone was praying for me, and I felt like a deep pool in front of me, and once I jumped, I didn’t know what it would be! At that time, a sister pointed out: “Aren’t you afraid that your perfect appearance will be broken?” It seems to be quite a spiritual preacher’s appearance. Aren’t you afraid of breaking yourself? ”

This sentence shocked me a lot, these people I want to write about, in fact, are not willing to break themselves, but in the end, they are beaten even more by God. I don’t dare to write about this group of people, also because I don’t dare to be broken. But if I dare not be broken, how will God’s light shine? So I later said to these companions, what if I write and the church excommunicates me? They said it’s okay, the church excommunicates you, and we recognize you as a brother and sister. Several of them are pastors I respect very much. I think it’s enough to have their approval! Then I started writing with that in mind.

见证篇175.《叛…

《叛教者》——让人“路转粉”（亚萨）

开始就是为了下班路上打发一下时间。然而，我仿佛一个懵懂的渔夫，一不小心踏入一个神秘的山洞，进到一个隐藏于历史某个时空的纷繁世界。不同的是，这不是陶渊明式的桃花源之旅，而更象是东野圭吾式的侦探之旅。

这本小说分为既独立又相互关联的4部分：揭发者、献身者、跟随者、擘饼者。下面我想分享一下我的阅读体验；事先声明，你可能完全不同意我的看法；这只是我的个人感受。

第1部：“揭发者”

这部小说刚开头的几章给我的感觉，有点像《泰坦尼克号》中的老露丝一般，回忆一段老套的、民国时期大户小姐的恋爱故事。

只不过，由于她生活涂抹上了一层基督信仰的油彩——那时上流社会的时髦和洋派作风，以至还缺少了一些鸳鸯蝴蝶派的不作不死的曲折趣味。

我呢，就好像是沿着一段波澜不惊、平直无趣的小溪行走了一阵，左顾右盼没有发现有什么特别的，越来越觉得乏味而气馁。我心说：得了，还是别看了。

正准备抽身离开时，突然看到前面——不是“豁然开朗；有良田美池桑竹之属”（编注：《桃花源记》）；而是峰回路转，河水急流而下，陡然间坠入了万丈深渊！

就在作者话锋一转之间，仿佛电影里突然变了背景音乐一般，社会变革如飓风袭来，人物矛盾突然爆发，人际关系中所有温情的面纱被猛然撕破，以往隐藏在黑暗里的丑陋一下子大白于天下！

于是，在火炼一般的考验下，最令人敬仰的领袖被发现是私德败坏的恶徒，而最真诚的信徒则成了最气急败坏的揭发者。爱情与阴谋交织，真相与谎言纠缠……而政治斗争又席卷一切。令人心跳加速，应接不暇。
我一下子呆住了！

等回过神来，我不由自主地回翻前面的内容，这时感觉就完全不一样了：

前面貌似平淡无奇的情节中，一点一点地积蓄着矛盾爆发的因素，不动声色地埋下定时炸弹。甚至我先前轻视的那些“涂着基督信仰油彩的生活”的描述，也重新有了新的视角：

这不就是一个旁观者对许多基督徒精神面貌的直观印象么？这不就是我们所谓的城市基督徒的“正常”信仰生活么？而且还是自认有知识，正义感爆棚，对罪毫不妥协的热心基督徒呢！

然而，这样的“好基督徒”，却在真正的大风暴来临时，被检验出信仰建在一片流沙上。
想到这点，再反照自己：我要是生活在那个严峻的时代，或是那个时代如今再重现，我将会怎样一种表现呢？真是细思恐极，冷汗直流。

再想起前面对作品的观感，我发现自己中了作者“圈套”——但是我是带着愉快和欣喜的心情发现这一点的。因为，好久没有看到这么精彩的小说了！更不用说是有深度的信仰小说了！

第2部：献身者

一群为了上帝献身的年轻人，有的放弃了富有显赫的家世，有的放弃了光明远大的前途，有的放弃了青梅竹马的恋情。他们才华横溢，青春热情，为着同一个目标，从不同的地方，汇聚到了上海的文德里，建立起中国历史上第一个自力更生、具有全国范围影响力的信仰团体——基督徒聚会处。

这一群完全献上的人，被信徒们万众敬仰。他们的文字和事迹，在各地信徒中流传。

然而，当那股大揭发、大批判、打倒一切反对派的政治洪流来临，基督徒聚会处的创立者李夜声——那位被视为神人的领袖，那位具有深刻属灵洞见和权柄，那位教导大家要绝对、完全、“交出去给主”的人，却被大家发现，是一位与多位女性犯了淫乱，且在自己经营的化工厂和教会之间的财务上不清不楚的人！

信徒们完完全全“蒙圈”（迷糊。编注）了：究竟哪一面才是“真实”的他？难道那些刺入人心的讲道只是出于演讲技巧？难道那些如火焚烧的灵性复兴是集体自欺？

那些毫无保留地奉献家产、那些放弃世上大好前途过来投奔、那些毅然决然地“福音移民”的信徒，觉得无比的震惊、撕裂

越是事工核心的同工，受到的冲击越大。

主人翁之一，一位公认的灵里成熟通透，对上帝全然奉献，被称为聚会处“文胆”、“女状元”的李如是，也被揭发出来关于李夜声的“真相”，打瘫在地，之后在监狱度过了漫长、羞辱、苦毒、不信的15年的漫长时光。

她直到生命的最后一刻，才略微释怀。

第2部也勾起了我的一段痛苦回忆。

几年前，我所在的教会，那位直接牧养和关怀过我好几年的Z牧师，竟然出轨并与年轻女孩私奔。这事件，给整个教会带来“地震”。

得知这个消息后，我有一种强烈的愤怒和被欺骗的感觉。情感上受到了重创，甚至信仰也产生了动摇。因为我早已将教会看成心灵的家，将牧师视为属灵的父亲。

不仅我是如此。我发现，相比与Z牧师交往不多的人，我们这些被他直接牧养、关怀的信徒，受到的信仰冲击最大，情绪也最激烈.

因此，我特别能体会到小说中那些同工的苦毒和愤怒的情绪——不仅是对人，也是对上帝。然而，超越人去与上帝建立关系，这不正是每个人在信仰历程上必经过的一道坎么？

“不要看人，而要看上帝”，做起来何等的难啊！人性是多么复杂啊！圣徒也会犯下可怕的错误，而恶人也有人性闪光的时刻。这部小说展现了令人赞叹的丰富度。

第3部：跟随者

这一部中，最令我感动的是3个字：“主知道”。

领袖必然会有跟随者。没有跟随者的人，成不了领袖。跟随李夜声一同走信仰道路的，有文思敏捷的青年才子，有秀外慧中的大家闺秀，有精明强干的中年经理人，有忠诚朴实的白发信徒.

这些人在政治高压的环境下，在政府要求大家对李夜声的“累累罪行”进行揭发时，有的见风使舵，有的曲线救国，有的义愤填膺，有的缄默不语。

读者看到的是人性和命运中奇异的反合性。最聪明的盘算，最后却成了自掘陷阱；想保全生命的，却丢了生命；算定必死的人，却死里逃生。那些自以为义的，那些脚踏两只船的，那些义正辞严的，那些决不宽恕的，一个个栩栩如生地活画在面前。

我发现一个有趣的事实，就是凡跟随李夜声超过跟随主的，在信仰上都或迟或早、或轻或重地跌倒了；凡是怀着谦卑、敬畏的态度，跟随上帝超过跟随人的，都没有因李夜声跌倒或不信。“

人只是一根苇杖，你却将他当成了磐石。”其实明天会怎么样，有谁能知道呢？除了上帝，有谁能掌管明天的道路呢？当我读到如下的段落时，我流泪了：

“老人没有转过头来，他脸转向大海，沉默了一会儿说：‘那些人都过去了，那些事也过去了，那个时代也过去了那块土地都远了，现在，对于一个80岁的老人，最重要的，只有永生。’

“老人坐上轮椅，被孙子推着走向停车场， 越走越远……我狠了狠心，跨前一步问道：‘您觉得您是对了？还是错了？’话一出口，我就后悔了，我有什么资格来问他呢？真希望海风淹没了这句话。老人却在轮椅上转过身来，我真真切切地看见了他孩子般灿烂的笑容，他说：‘主知道！’

“是的，只有主知道明天的道路，只有祂知道每个人每个阶段的真实状况和需要，也只有祂配得我们紧紧跟随。”

第4部：擘饼者

第4部有点象是侦探小说中最后揭晓谜底的部分。

前3部虽然都成自成一体，每个故事里都各有主人公，但是每个故事也都有一条暗线，指向核心人物：李夜声——这个对于别人的质疑和批评，从来保持沉默的人。

看前两部的时候，我心里一直盘旋着一个问题：这个人究竟是一个圣徒呢？还是一个自欺欺人的超级大骗子？

正如作者所形容的，面对李夜声时，“如同面对一个幽黑的、表面平静、内里涌动的深潭。一个涌动着各种气流般的对话、面容、身影和心思的时空之洞。”

我也是这样的感觉：单从“破案”的思路来看，直到最后，我也需要老实承认，我依旧没有看清当事人的全部面目。这就好比一个遗落在深渊里的古董，被探照灯扫射过去，亮了一下，又隐没在沈沈的黑暗里了。

第4部有李夜声在监狱中的自我反思，在以往的文献、资料中从未曾见过，所以具有某种珍贵的史料价值。
然而，其意义远远不止如此，他在监狱中的这些只言片语的记录，仿佛是一声声穿越时空的叹息，令人的灵魂深处都颤动。

“才知道在主眼里，地上的一切都是不可积累的上帝要的不是个不同寻常的人，而只是个合用的器皿。

“哦，我的神！我竟是这样地遮蔽了你的荣耀？若这些人不是这样崇拜我，以我为‘神人’，你会如此彻底地拆毁我吗？若我不是用恩赐、启示、事工，一点点完善自己、雕琢自己、坚固自己、修饰自己，我会成为这样一个偶像.
“我怎能不流泪？你竟然是在我成为囚犯后释放了我，竟然是在我成了众人唾骂的私德败坏的人时洁净了我。这么多年，我向你求的释放与洁净，现在突然就成了。我像被人当场捉住的淫妇般，真真切切地体会了你的赦免.

“我几乎是要感谢这牢狱了，若不是在这里，我又怎能这么安安逸逸地，坐在你的同在中，吃你设立的晚餐呢？”

我们的文化一直倾向于脸谱化地评价人，非黑即白，为尊者讳，同时将坏人描写为十恶不赦。然而人是复杂多面的，且是不断变化的。

对于李夜声究竟是圣徒还是骗子的问题，其实到了第3部时，看到张氏父子在生命将终时都只是说“主知道”，而拒绝对李夜声进行评判时，我就觉得这个问题不那么重要了。

到了第4部，我更进一步发现，我先前问的这个“问题”，本身就有问题！

除了上帝本身，古往今来，世界上可曾有一个完全没有犯错的人？显然没有。李夜声所犯的那些错误，男女关系的，经济上的，真的存在吗？答案可能是“是”。然而，他的信仰是真实、诚恳的吗？答案同样是“是”。

“人犯了错误（男女问题，经济问题），上帝会原谅吗？”

“当然。”

“牧师犯了错误（男女问题，经济问题），上帝会原谅吗？”

“人犯了严重的错误后，他先前的贡献也应被抹杀吗？”

“当然不应该。”

“牧师犯了严重的错误后，他先前的贡献也应被抹杀吗？”

这就是我看完第4部后，这位中国教会历史上大名鼎鼎的争议人物带给我的思考。

结语

我觉得，一部优秀的小说，作者为里面的人物塑造出形象，赋予灵魂；一部伟大的小说，里面的人物的形象与灵魂，则并非被作者的头脑塑造，而是本来就存在在那里的——只不过先前隐藏在黑暗中——静静等待巡夜人的提灯将其照亮。

不夸张地讲，在《叛教者》中，我觉得自己看到了伟大小说的模样。正如作者（可能是无意识）在自序里如此写道：

“写了大半辈子的我写不出这本小说，我生不出这团荆棘，它们卡在那里……无力架构这些故事和秘密，甚至也无力定义这其中的人和情绪，更无力填补其中的断裂。

“这些断裂如天堑般让我恐惧，因为我笔下的人物将是不合逻辑的一群人，是拒绝被定义、被判断的一群人。但他们占有了我，占有了我的情感和我的体验。

“我决定，其实也是不得不，将这些片段写出来，即便是粗糙的、血肉模糊的，象是采石厂的生坯般，我也要把它们写出来，以便救我自己脱离他们，重新开始生活。”

不知为什么，读完后，我总会想起日本的远藤周作，以及他的《沉默》。我隐约觉得，《叛教者》是不输于前者的一部力作。其人性的深度和广度，矛盾冲突的张力和尖锐，是近二三十年来中文小说中所没有的。

我确信，现在只是刚刚开始，会有越来越多的读者，对它“路转粉”的！

Testimoni…

🔊 Listen to this  Listen for 8 min

“The Apostate” – make people “turn the road” (Asaph)

This article was originally published on the official website of Jumu on October 27, 2016

One day in June 2016, on a whim, I bought my first e-book, Shi Wei’s newly published novel “The Apostate” through WeChat.

It started out to pass the time on the way to work. However, I was like an ignorant fisherman, accidentally stepping into a mysterious cave and entering a complicated world hidden in a certain time and space in history. The difference is that this is not Tao Yuanming’s peach blossom source tour, but more like a detective journey like Keigo Higashino’s.

The novel is divided into 4 parts that are both independent and interrelated: the whistleblower, the devotee, the follower, and the bread breaker. Below I want to share my reading experience – to be clear, you may completely disagree with me – this is just my personal feelings.

Part 1: “The Whistleblower”

The first few chapters of this novel give me the feeling that I am a bit like the old Ruth in “Titanic”, recalling an old-fashioned, Republican-period Miss Dahu’s love story.

It’s just that because her life is smeared with a layer of Christian oil paint, the fashionable and Western-style style of high society at that time, there is still a lack of some of the twists and turns of the Mandarin Duck Butterfly School.

As for me, it was as if I had been walking for a while along a quiet, straight, and boring stream, looking left and right to find nothing special, and I felt more and more bored and discouraged. I said in my heart: yes, don’t look at it.

Just as I was about to pull away, I suddenly saw ahead – not “suddenly enlightened… Arida Miike Kusutake’s genus” (Editor’s note: “Peach Blossom Source”) – but the peak turns, the river rushes down, and suddenly falls into the abyss!

Just as the author’s words turned, as if the background music suddenly changed in the movie, social changes hit like a hurricane, character contradictions suddenly broke out, all the veils of warmth in interpersonal relationships were suddenly torn, and the ugliness hidden in the darkness in the past was suddenly revealed to the world!

Thus, under the test of fiery, the most admired leaders were found to be evil people with corrupt morals, while the most sincere believers became the angriest and most corrupt whistleblowers. Love and intrigue are intertwined, and truth and lies are entangled. And the political struggle swept through everything. It’s heart-racing and overwhelming.

I froze all at once!

When I came back to my senses, I involuntarily turned back to the previous content, and then the feeling was completely different:

In the seemingly prosaic plot in the front, little by little, the factors of the outbreak of contradictions accumulated, and time bombs were quietly planted. Even the descriptions of “life painted in Christian paint” that I had previously despised have taken on a new perspective:

Isn’t this an intuitive impression of the spiritual outlook of many Christians by a bystander? Isn’t this what we call the “normal” faith life of urban Christians? And they are ardent Christians who think they have the knowledge, a sense of justice, and an uncompromising sin attitude!

However, such “good Christians” were tested when the real storm came, and their faith was built on quicksand.
Think of this and reflect on yourself: If I lived in that grim era, or if that era reappears now, how would I behave? It’s really scary, cold sweat.
Remembering my previous perception of the work, I found myself in the author’s “trap” – but I found this with joy and joy. Because I haven’t seen such a wonderful novel for a long time! Not to mention a deep-faith novel!

Part 2: The Devotee

A group of young people who sacrificed their lives for God, some gave up their rich and prominent family lineages, some gave up their bright future, and some gave up their childhood sweethearts’ romances. Talented and youthful, they came to Wendry, Shanghai, from different places with the same goal, to establish the first self-reliant faith community in Chinese history, the Christian Meeting.

This group of fully consecrated people is revered by the believers. Their writings and deeds circulated among believers everywhere.

However, when the political torrent of revelations, mass judgments, and the overthrow of all opposition came, the founder of the Christian meeting place, Li Yesheng, the leader who was regarded as a man of God, the one who had profound spiritual insight and authority, the one who taught everyone to be absolute, complete, and “surrendered to the Lord”, was discovered to be a man who committed adultery with many women and was financially unclear between the chemical factory he ran and the church!

Believers are completely “confused” (confused. Editor’s note): Which side of him is the “real” him? Are those preaching that pierces people’s hearts just out of oratory skill? Are those burning spiritual revivals collective self-deception?

Those believers who gave their family wealth without reservation, those who gave up the great future of the world to defect, those who resolutely “evangelized the immigration”, felt extremely shocked and torn…

The more the core of the ministry, the greater the impact.

One of the protagonists, a recognized spiritually mature and transparent and fully devoted to God, known as the “bold” and “female champion” of the meeting place, was also exposed about the “truth” about Li Yesheng, paralyzed to the ground, and then spent 15 long years in prison, humiliating, bitter, and unbelieved.

She didn’t let go until the last moment of her life.

Part 2 also brought back a painful memory of me.

A few years ago, my church, Pastor Z, who had directly shepherded and cared for me for several years, cheated and eloped with a young girl. This event brought an “earthquake” to the entire church.

After learning the news, I had a strong feeling of anger and being deceived. Emotionally battered, even faith was shaken. Because I have long regarded the church as the home of the soul and the pastor as the spiritual father.

It’s not just me. I found that compared to those who did not have much contact with Pastor Z, those of us who were directly shepherded and cared for by him were the most impacted by the faith, and the emotions were the most intense…

Therefore, I was especially able to feel the bitterness and anger of my fellow workers in the novel—not only toward people but also toward God. However, isn’t transcending man to have a relationship with God a hurdle that everyone must go through in their journey of faith?

“Look not at people, but at God”, how difficult it is to do! How complex human nature is! Saints also make terrible mistakes, and the wicked have moments of human light. The novel shows an amazing richness.

Part 3: Followers

In this part, what touched me the most was the three words: “The Lord knows”.

Leaders will inevitably have followers. Those who do not have followers cannot become leaders. Following Li Yesheng on the road of faith, there are young talents who are quick to think, there is everyone in the show, there are middle-aged managers who are shrewd and capable, and there are loyal and simple white-haired believers…

In an environment of political repression, when the government asked everyone to expose Li Yesheng’s “numerous crimes,” some saw the wind and steered, some curved to save the country, some were indignant, and some were silent.

The reader sees the strange inverse of human nature and destiny. The smartest calculation, but in the end it became a self-digging trap; Those who want to save their lives lose them; Those who are certain to die, but escape. Those who are righteous, those who step on two boats, those who are righteous, and those who will never forgive, are vividly painted in front of them.

I found an interesting fact that everyone who followed Li Yesheng more than he followed the Lord fell sooner or later or later, lightly or heavily; Whoever followed God more than others with humility and reverence did not fall or unbelieve because of Li Yesheng. “

Man is just a reed staff, but you treat him as a rock. “Actually, what will happen tomorrow, who knows? Who but God is in charge of tomorrow’s way? I burst into tears when I read the following paragraph:
“The old man did not turn his head, he turned his face to the sea, and after a moment of silence said: ‘Those people are gone, those things are gone, that era is gone… That land is far away… Now, for an 80-year-old, the most important thing is only eternal life. ’

“The old man got into a wheelchair and was pushed by his grandson towards the parking lot, walking farther and farther… I took a step forward and asked, ‘You think you’re right?’ Or is it wrong? As soon as the words came out, I regretted it, what right did I have to ask him? I wish the sea breeze drowned out this phrase. But the old man turned around in his wheelchair, and I really saw his childlike smile, and he said, ‘The Lord knows! ’

“Yes, only the Lord knows the way of tomorrow, only He knows the true condition and needs of each person at every stage, and only He is worthy of our close to follow.”

Part 4: The Cake Breaker

Part 4 is a bit like the last part of a detective novel that reveals the mystery.
Although the first 3 films are all self-contained, each story has its own protagonist, but each story also has a dark line pointing to the core character: Li Yesheng, the person who has never remained silent about the doubts and criticisms of others.

When watching the first two films, I kept thinking about the question: Is this person a saint? Or a self-deluded super-big liar?

As the author describes it, facing Li Yesheng is “like facing a dark pool that is calm on the surface and surging inside.” A hole in time and space where various airflows of conversations, faces, figures and minds are surging. ”

I also feel this way: from the perspective of “solving the case” alone, until the end, I also need to honestly admit that I still haven’t seen the full face of the party. This is like an antique left in the abyss, swept by the searchlight, lit up, and hidden in the dark again.

Part 4 has Li Yesheng’s self-reflection in prison, which has never been seen in previous documents and materials, so it has some precious historical value.

However, the significance is much more than that, and these few words of his record in prison are like a sigh through time and space, making people’s souls tremble.

“Only then did I realize that in the eyes of the Lord, everything on earth is non-accumulative, and God wants not an unusual person, but just a suitable vessel.

“Oh, my God! How have I covered your glory? If these people hadn’t worshiped me like this, using me as a ‘man of God,’ would you have demolished me so thoroughly? If I hadn’t perfected myself, sculpted myself, strengthened myself, and groomed myself little by little with gifts, revelations, and ministry, I would have become such an idol.

“How can I not shed tears? You actually released me after I became a prisoner, and you cleansed me when I became a corrupt person of selfish virtue that everyone reviled. The release and cleansing I have asked you for so many years is now suddenly done. Like an adulteress caught red-handed, I truly experienced your forgiveness…

“I am almost thankful for this prison, but if I am not here, how can I sit in your presence so comfortably and eat the dinner you set up?”

Our culture has always tended to judge people in a face-to-face manner, black and white, to praise His Holiness, while portraying bad people as heinous. However, people are complex and ever-changing.
As for the question of whether Li Yesheng is a saint or a liar, in fact, in the third part, when I saw that the Zhang father and son only said “the Lord knows” at the end of their lives, and refused to judge Li Yesheng, I felt that this question was less important.

In Part 4, I further discovered that the “question” I asked earlier was itself problematic!

In addition to God Himself, has there ever been a person in the world who has made no mistakes at all? Apparently not. Do the mistakes made by Li Yesheng, the relationship between men and women, and the economy, really exist? The answer may be “yes”. However, is his faith true and sincere? The answer is also “yes”.

“People make mistakes (male and female problems, economic problems), will God forgive?”

“Of course.”

“Will God forgive pastors who make mistakes (men’s and women’s problems, economic problems)?”

“When a person makes a serious mistake, should his previous contributions also be erased?”

“Of course not.”

“After a pastor has made a serious mistake, should his previous contributions also be erased?”
This is what I thought about after watching Part 4, a famous controversial figure in the history of the Chinese church.
epilogue

I think that in an excellent novel, the author creates an image for the characters in it and gives it a soul; In a great novel, the image and soul of the characters are not shaped by the author’s mind, but are already there—but previously hidden in the darkness—waiting for the night watchman’s lantern to illuminate it.
It’s no exaggeration to say that in The Apostate I feel like I see what a great novel looks like. As the author (probably unconsciously) writes in the preface:

“Having written most of my life, I can’t write this novel, I can’t give birth to this bunch of thorns, they’re stuck there… Unable to frame these stories and secrets, unable to even define the people and emotions in them, and unable to fill the gaps.

“These ruptures frighten me like a heavenly barrier because my characters will be an illogical group of people, a group of people who refuse to be defined and judged. But they possessed me, my emotions, and my experiences.

“I decided, and indeed had to, to write these fragments, even if they were rough and bloody, like raw blanks from a quarry, in order to save myself from them and start my life again.”

For some reason, after reading it, I always think of Shusaku Endo in Japan and his “Silence”. I vaguely feel that “The Apostate” is a masterpiece that is not inferior to the former. The depth and breadth of its humanity, the tension, and the sharpness of contradictions and conflicts, are not found in Chinese novels in the past two or three decades.

I’m sure it’s just the beginning, and there will be more and more readers who “turn fans” (passers-by turn fans. Editor’s note)!

生命福音[139]…

🔊 Play 音频 三分钟

「约书亚对百姓说：“看哪，这石头可以向我们作见证，因为是听见了耶和华所吩咐我们的一切话，倘或你们背弃你们的神，这石头就可以向你们作见证。” 」【书24: 27】

圣徒的一生，乃是要多认识神、多学习 “与神亲交同行” 的日子 ! 当我们透过祂所造的宇宙万有和基督的救恩，看见神那无穷的荣耀、智慧、能力、仁爱、圣洁、丰富和信实的时候,我们就要赞美、敬畏、亲近神 !

然而，神比祂所造的诸天和宇宙万有更大，我们这有限的被造人豈能看透呢 ？神的声音就比将祂所造的一切声音合起来的声音更大，我们怎能听见祂呢 ! 所以，凡要见祂听祂敬拜祂的人，是都要在灵里，以神的话和圣灵敬拜祂。

若不是神降卑自己而成为我们的样子，我们就不能看见神，不能与祂交通。神降卑自己，道成肉身来到我们中间的就是耶稣基督。经厉了耶稣基督，我们更淸楚地认识了神，明白了神的旨意，也认识了圣灵，也能得知如何与神亲交同行。

上帝给我们立了十诫，是给我们规矩，与我们立约，但人不太在意，不好好守上帝的约。我们对上帝的约都不认真，对人的约更不会太认真。

与人立约，我们明知道有些事情不应该犯，但心里面不守规。这说明人里面没有爱神的心，没有像雅各一样的心态，哪怕吃亏也要守好神的约、守住人与人之间的约。要用真诚的心，爱神与爱人。

新约从来不说可以不守律法，而是要坚固律法；我们靠自己守不了律法，要靠耶稣的帮助，我们靠神是可以守住律法的，当我们守住神的约的时候就发现律法带给人何等美妙的祝福。

求神帮助我们因神的恩惠、慈爱好好地守神的约和人的约，求神完全改变我们的生活和生命。坚固我们遵守神的约，直到见主面。感谢神 ! 奉主蒙恩 ! 阿们 ! 

每日活灵(254)…

🔊 Play 音频 三分钟

「我们藉这爱子的血，得蒙救赎，过犯得以赦免，乃是照祂丰富的恩典；」【弗1:7】

我们被称义，实在不是因着我们的行为比人好，而完全是因着耶稣基督救赎的功绩，我们这个人是丝毫没有可夸的。若没有主耶稣在十字架上，为我们成功救赎，满足神的义所有的要求，神就是要因祂的恩典称我们为义，也是没有法子作到。

我们因着相信耶稣基督，神就使耶稣基督成为我们的义。我们是『信入』基督里面的人，我们在祂里面穿着祂，披戴着祂，神就使祂成为我们的义。神如何称耶稣基督为义，神也照样称我们为义。  

虽然神喜悦我们，并使我们成为祂恩典的对象，我们仍然需要救赎，因为祂是公义的神。我们的父喜悦我们，祂是公义的，不能宽容不义、错误或过犯；这类的事有辱祂的公义。神不仅是一位爱的神，祂也是公义的，任何不义的事都使祂不悦。所以为要使神喜悦，祂的爱子【耶稣基督】必须上十字架，为神所拣选的人成就完全的救赎。

子借着祂血的救赎，就是使我们的过犯得以赦免。救赎是基督为我们的过犯所成就的，赦免是将基督所成就的，应用在我们的过犯上。救赎是在十字架上完成的，赦免是在我们相信基督的时候应用的。救赎和赦免实际上是一件事的两端。我们相信基督并向公义的神悔改，这个应用才发生。在那时刻，神的灵将基督在十字架上所完成的救赎应用在我们身上。奉主蒙恩! 阿们!   

Testimoni…

见证篇174.为什…

经文：“然而，敬虔加上知足的心便是大利了，因为我们没有带什么到世上来，也不能带什么去，只要有衣有食，就当知足。”提摩太前书6:6-8

一个现象，一份焦虑：

城市教会的牧者普遍存在一个焦虑，就是年轻的弟兄姊妹忙于事业，没时间没精力像以前世代的基督徒那样在属灵上渴慕追求。并非他们不愿意亲近神服事主，而确实是存在着巨大的挑战。就是需要面对大城市高昂的生活费，以及买房子，结婚，抚养小孩，赡养老人，必要的人情开支等。看到现实需要与自己经济现状之间的巨大差距，所以心中焦急，脱口而出一个声音：“我要赚钱！我要赚更多的钱！”这个声音历史上一直在回响人们的心头，“天下熙熙，皆为利来；天下攘攘，皆为利往。”《史记》

到如今，我们考大学、考研读博、进大公司、当公务员，更是目标明确，就是赚更多的钱，一定要出人头地。以前士大夫尚持守的气节操守，早已荡然无存。钱理群教授说：“我们的一些大学，包括北京大学，正在培养一些精致的利己主义者。他们高智商，世俗，老到，善于表演，懂得配合，更善于利用体制达到自己的目的。”此话虽然刺耳，难道不是事实吗？

因为深受世俗文化的渗透与功利主义的洗脑，教会里的年轻人过于看重金钱、忙于事业，我们可以理解，但并不赞成。因为经上明说：“不要忧虑说：吃什么？喝什么？穿什么？这都是外邦人所求的。你们需用的这一切东西，你们的天父是知道的。你们要先求他的国和他的义，这些东西都要加给你们了。所以，不要为明天忧虑，因为明天自有明天的忧虑；一天的难处一天当就够了。”太6:31-34

经文的意思非常清楚，若要求神的国与义，就需要做出必要的选择。或属天或属地，或靠自己或倚靠神。

人天然的选择是靠自己。从某种角度来说这是对的，因为人需要尽自己的本分。使徒也说：“我们在你们那里的时候，曾吩咐你们说，若有人不肯作工，就不可吃饭。”帖后3:10。但我们真的需要知道生命在谁手中？人生的道路是谁来决定的？我们追求拥有的究竟是等价交换物还是自己创造的（比如粮食、水、空气、高楼、电子产品等）？如果真的仔细思想过，并有相当的人生阅历（即经历过苦难、面对过死亡的威胁、受到过背叛与伤害等），恐怕就会说人生真是一场虚空。

所以，说到底，我们还是要信靠万军之上帝，基督徒当然相信这一点。使徒告诉我们：“神从一本（血脉）造出万族的人，住在全地上，并且预先定准他们的年限和所住的疆界， 要叫他们寻求神，或者可以揣摩而得，其实他离我们各人不远，我们生活、动作、存留都在乎他。”徒17:26-28a

一场游戏一场梦：

我们如果只看到自己的需要及未知的恐惧（如生重病、遭遇意外等），就不容易看到供应我们需要的神；如果基督徒失去一颗感恩与赞美的心，属灵光景就更堪怜了。就好比陷入流沙，越拼命挣扎陷得越深；饮鸩止渴，其祸不远。当我们主要的心思集中于赚更多的钱时，玛门（金钱）事实上就成为了我们内心的偶像。

主说：“一个人不能侍奉两个主。不是恶这个爱那个，就是重这个轻那个。你们不能又侍奉神，又侍奉玛门。”太6:24。就算成为亚洲首富又怎么样呢？难道就不死了吗？“人若赚得全世界，赔上自己的生命，有什么益处呢？人还能拿什么换生命呢？”太16:26。生死事大，我们需要做出正确的抉择。

当然，我们的年轻肢体会说：“我根本没想成为李嘉诚、比尔盖兹，只想能成家立业而已。为了基本的需要，也得好好努力啊。相信主耶稣会体谅我！”

此话貌似合乎情理，但其中包含的问题有三：

1、我们现在的诉求是否我们真正的需要。比如，是否非要在北上广买昂贵无比的房子？是否非要送孩子上双语幼儿园？是不是不开豪车身份就降低了？

2、如果我们尽自己的本分，神难道不会供应我们一切的需要吗？要知道，存在一个社会规律：穷忙者迷失自我，贪财者反噬自身。敬畏神者真有智慧，跟随主者一无缺乏。如果我们事业成功了，却远离了神，岂不是极大的损失吗？大卫王说：“以别神代替耶和华的，他们的愁苦必加增。”诗16:4a，祝福、咒诅岂不都是从上主而来吗？申28章。人帮人只有几种办法，神却能用无数种方法来帮助我们。事实上，对神恩典与能力的不信是一种犯罪。“神既不爱惜自己的儿子为我们众人舍了，岂不也把万物和他一同白白的赐给我们吗？”罗8:32

3、什么叫努力？经常加班导致没精力读经，时常出差致使主日不能参加聚会算不算呢？在此事上，我们有没有体贴主的心肠？有没有以基督耶稣的心为心？要论功勋，尼布甲尼撒、亚历山大大帝都超过我们凡人，但他们的努力在上帝眼中毫无价值。是的，人离开了主，还能做什么呢？约15:5b。若凡事为了神的荣耀而行，才有真价值，否则就是南辕北辙，浪费光阴。

收入不多又如何？如果我们读了名校，拿到硕士学位，却没赚很多钱，会不会要命呢？答案当然是否定的。敬畏上帝，是否一定就赚不到钱呢？答案同样是否定的。收入不丰厚是否一定就不幸福呢？常识告诉我们，当然不见得。所以说，很多时候我们是杞人忧天，自取烦恼。不愿接受神的带领，不相信神的祝福，靠自己去抓，结果往往是一场虚空。

钱少点益处良多：

1、避免许多试探。我们不要小觑金钱的魔力，少年财主认为自己遵守律法遵守得很好。但主的一条命令就暴露出他的里面还有贪心。经上说：“他听见这话就甚忧愁，因为他很富足。”路18:23。所以有一个著名的祷告说：“我求你两件事，在我未死之先，不要不赐给我：求你使虚假和谎言远离我；使我也不贫穷也不富足，赐给我需用的饮食。恐怕我饱足不认你说，耶和华是谁呢？又恐怕我贫穷就偷窃，以致亵渎我神的名。”箴30:7-9

2、可以帮助降低自己肉体的欲望。因为人性的倾向是体贴肉体，所以我们往往会花太多的精力与过多的金钱用来满足各种奢华的需要。都市谓之：或时尚或小资或金领生活。如果家里存款不多，收入不多，就能帮助我们开销也不多。那样，生活的乐趣反而增加许多。富豪之家厌于美食，味蕾麻木已久；传道人家里一根香蕉就能给两个人带来许多温馨与感恩（以上是实指）。偶尔烧顿红烧肉好似以前农村过大年。

3、帮助我们挖掘发现不用多花钱的、更高层次的享受（最高层次的享受与我们原来想象的相反，反而是不用多花钱的）：比如办张图书馆的借书卡读好书，听好的音乐，多花时间与肢体们沟通交流，多与亲人谈心，陪孩子做游戏。就算买样东西，也可以多一个等待的时间（储蓄），其中乐趣，就非富翁可以明白的了。

4、可以集中时间与精力来敬拜与侍奉主。通常来说收入越多，责任也越重大，所耗费的精力也越多。反之亦然。我们如果尽了自己本分，收入不算多，那又有何妨？多一些时间可以用来读经祷告参加聚会，那不是更美的事吗？使徒说：“只是我先前以为与我有益的，我现在因基督都当作有损的。不但如此，我也将万事当作有损的，因我以认识我主基督耶稣为至宝。我为他已经丢弃万事，看作粪土，为要得着基督。”腓3:7-8

5、买不起房与车？没关系，租房一样生活，步行更有益健康。圣经说：“只要有衣有食，就当知足”，而不是有衣有食有房有车，就当知足。提前6:8。看中你有房有车有钱才愿与你结婚的，多半是个错误的选择。没房没车但真敬畏神、愿意尽自己在地上本分的弟兄，姊妹们要珍惜。现代人急于求成，往往适得其反。在婚姻家庭上，最佳的选择是两人一起努力、慢慢置业，体会人生，与主同行。

怎样让自己的心安静下来？

这从来就不是外面的问题，而是我们自己内心的问题。亚伯拉罕住帐篷、保罗在地牢一样能侍奉神，如今我们不住大房子就没法服事主？良心告诉我们不是这样的。

推荐几个方法，好使我们有“敬虔加上知足的心”：

1、多读圣经，让圣道更新我们的心思意念。就是调整我们被洗脑过的世界观、价值观、人生观。罗12:2。神的话语带着能力，可以使枯骨复苏，也可以让我们重新得力。结37:1-14

2、委身教会，多参与服事。这能有效帮助我们降低自己的天然欲望。

3、积极乐捐。就是在十分之一以外有甘心乐意的乐捐。使徒说：“少种的少收，多种的多收，这话是真的。各人要随本心所酌定的，不要作难，不要勉强，因为捐得乐意的人是 神所喜爱的。”林后9:6-7。这是非常有益的属灵挑战，能帮助我们对付里面的贪心。主说：“施比受更为有福。”徒20:35b，这话是真实的。

4、请身边清心祷告的基督徒好友与教会牧者为自己的内心祷告，求主赐给我们一颗知足与感恩的心。

5、培养有益而高尚的兴趣爱好，比如读好书、锻炼身体、练字、学门乐器、烧菜、多学门外语、给孩子讲故事之类。既能帮助我们增加见识，又尽自己在地上的本分。且为主而行，就能双重蒙福了，就是在地上蒙福，见主面时得奖赏。

若是出于主的托付，有钱并不是坏事。但也要效法基督，对人大方、乐于施舍；对己要有节制，愿意过简朴的生活。如果神没有让我们当教会金钱方面的管家，内心就当顺服。不管钱多钱少，都需要感恩。明白什么是真正重要的，选择属天的道路。

为了主的缘故，我们不要以贫穷为耻，而是要以不圣洁为耻。主耶稣呼召带领我们走的是十字架的窄路，我们就无须与世界的标准看齐。

“所以你们若真与基督一同复活，就当求在上面的事，那里有基督坐在 神的右边。你们要思念上面的事，不要思念地上的事。因为你们已经死了，你们的生命与基督一同藏在 神里面。”西3:1-3