灵糧
圣商恩典[93]创…
音频 1 分钟
我们若认自己的罪， 神是信实的，是公义的，必要赦免我们的罪，洗净我们一切的不义。【约一1:9】
一位很有影响力的经济学家说，当今中国的企业家不是在监狱里，就是在进去的路上。的确，创业原罪论，成了许多创业者永远的痛；企业家不是怀着侥幸心理存活，就是跑路到异国他乡躲避。
再先进的科技也无法抹去昨天的问题记录，那些不规范、不成熟的年代，那些不堪回首、无法面对的过犯，除了酒精的麻痹，就是刚硬无耻的自我辩护。
以前，我们只能听天由命，我们只能愿赌服输。在大家都如此的感叹中，我们只好认倒霉，自我安慰。
今天，上帝应许每一个有错、有罪的人，在认罪悔改归向他的时刻，都会被赦免，被饶恕！我们可以脱去世界污秽的旧衣，沐浴着十字架爱的光芒，重新开始自由的人生！
今天，让我们明白，世人都亏欠了神的荣耀。企业家在罪的问题上没有什么特殊性，特殊的是企业家往往过于刚硬、不能在主面前自愿认罪。抓住今天，向主坦白。主必赦免，主必拯救！奉主蒙恩! 阿们!
圣商恩典[92]祷…
音频 2 分钟
他就稍往前走，俯伏在地，祷告说：“我父啊，倘若可行，求你叫这杯离开我。然而，不要照我的意思，只要照你的意思。”【太26: 39】
祷告是我们信仰生活的基石，而祷告的内容是我们个人信仰生命的一面镜子。基督徒最容易犯的错误就是，遇事通过祷告，要求上帝为自己的私欲服务。
基督耶稣给我们做了一个很好的榜样：作为人，在危难面前都希望脱离险境，渴望平安；同时，因为已经完全把自己交托给主，就要懂得主才是最终的决定者。无论怎样，我们都要学会顺服主的意思，而不是让主满足我们的需要。
在企业发展过程中，往往在成功的时刻容易体会上帝的帮助，感恩哈利路亚；但是如何在遇到挫折的时候明白主的旨意、选择顺服自己不愿接受的环境，这是企业家一生都要操练的功课。
在与竞争对手投标报价的情况中，如果你的祷告是上帝单单保佑你赢，无论你报价多少，那都是强迫上帝给你打工；如果你祷告让报价最合理的一方赢，而不管这一方是否是你，这等于说让上帝的公义施行，就体现了顺服上帝意思，而不是我们的私欲。
今天，让我们明白，祷告是个自我悔改、更新的过程，不是给上帝安排工作。无论我们能否接受，求主按他自己的意思带领我们，我们都要顺服。奉主蒙恩! 阿们!
圣商恩典[91]你…
音频 1 分钟
耶和华呼唤撒母耳。撒母耳说：“我在这里！”【撒上3:4】
当有弟兄跌倒需要帮助时，不要问上帝在哪里，要问你在哪里？
对有信仰的人来说，上帝一直都在。如同现今的互联网，信号一直都有，问题是你没有上网。其实上帝一直在找你！只要你愿意连接，就会找到。
企业管理每天都面临问题，人们习惯于推卸责任，都等待领导来解决。市场不好的时候，抱怨上帝不帮忙；业绩下滑的时候，觉得上帝不给力。
每当我们寻求智慧的时候，上帝给了我们一大堆问题，学会解开这些问题，就自然得到了智慧。如同我们祈求健康的时候却得了重感冒，感冒好了的时候，我们懂得了锻炼身体。上帝祝福我们的方式超出我们的想象！遗憾的往往是祝福来了，你常常缺席。
今天，让我们向主说：“我在这里！”奉主蒙恩! 阿们!
Testimony…
Listen for 4 min
Fu Mingxia is a famous former Chinese diver, Leung Kam-chung is a successful Hong Kong business celebrity and later abandoned business to become financial secretary before being baptized in November 2009. Both of them witnessed the changes in their lives after their conversion.
According to the Distant Xinyue blog, Chinese diver Fu Mingxia and her husband Leung Kam-song, the former financial secretary of Hong Kong, testify to their faith. Fu Mingxia is a former famous Chinese diver, known as the queen of diving, and a three-time Olympic gold medalist. Leung Kam-chung was a successful Hong Kong business celebrity, having left business to become the Financial Secretary. They married in 2002 and were baptized in November 2009.
Fu Mingxia and Liang JinsongFu Mingxia: Fu Mingxia, a famous Chinese diver and three-time Olympic gold medalist, shared that an older friend was a little surprised to believe in the Lord, because, in his eyes, my career and family were quite smooth, why did I believe in the Lord?
Everything is God’s arrangement. At the end of 06 and the beginning of 07, Fu Mingxia and her mother’s family had an opinion over some things, and her husband was very incomprehensible, and she felt very uncomfortable as a daughter. At this time, Fu Mingxia talked to the parents of one of her daughter’s classmates, who was a devout Christian and began to pray together, after praying, her heart was completely peaceful, and her previous depression and unhappiness towards her family were completely swept away.
At the same time, the Christian friends around her suddenly invited Fu Mingxia to participate in the Bible study class, and after participating, in addition to learning Xi the teachings of Christ, she also learned a lot of principles of life. Her husband, Liang Jinsong, said that it happened to be him praying for Fu Mingxia at that time. Since then, for more than two years, Fu Mingxia and her husband have regularly attended Sunday worship services and weekly Bible study classes.
Fu Mingxia said that before believing in the Lord, her career and family development were relatively smooth, and she did not have many worries. But after having a child, there are more things to worry about. Especially when I see a large-scale disaster, I feel that people are really small, and I am worried about the present and future of my home.
After believing in the Lord, the biggest difference is that I feel at peace in my heart. Knowing that God will arrange the problems in my heart makes me feel much more relaxed. After believing in the Lord, praying every day has become an indispensable Xi for me, giving thanks every day, and confiding in the Lord about my problems. In addition, it is clear and certain that there is eternal life, that there is eternal hope, and that we no longer take the problems we face too seriously.
Like many people born and educated in Hong Kong, Leung had attended a church school for more than 10 years, singing hymns and reciting the Lord’s Prayer every day, but he did not have a great sense of the Lord before. After graduating from secondary school, both his studies and career went well. The so-called young people have no room in their hearts to accept the Lord.
He shared, “After I left Z/- House in 2003, my classmates taught me to know more about the Lord and helped me finish reading the book ‘Benchmark Life’. But I didn’t understand everything about life and God’s predestination, so I didn’t continue to look for God. ”
In 2006, he went to the Gangfu Church to attend the prayer. He said: “I thought back to my prayer to the Lord Jesus at the beginning of ’04 and later learned that He had answered my prayer and that I had been pursuing what I had exchanged with the Lord and promised me to give up. I decided to become a Christian in early 2007 and have since told my friends about my experience and benefits. ”
Liang Jinsong testified that after believing in the Lord, he felt that the burden on his shoulders was lighter. When you come to know the Lord, you know that He is the leader in everything. In layman’s terms, there is a “big guy to follow”, and the mood is much more relaxed. Besides, knowing that believing in the Lord leads to eternal life, the things of this world are relatively less important.
Finally, Leung said, “The Lord Jesus taught us to walk with righteousness, to be merciful, to walk with humility, and to walk with God. I’m still learning Xi, especially Xi’s humility. I hope that in the future, I will follow the Lord’s command to glorify God, benefit others, and do my best. ”
恩典见证 28.伏…
音频 4 分钟
伏明霞是中国前著名跳水运动员，梁锦松是成功的香港商界大腕，后曾弃商从政出任财政司司长，2009年11月受洗。两人纷纷见证信主之后，生活的改变。
据远方的心月博客分享，中国跳水运动员伏明霞及丈夫梁锦松前任香港财政司长信仰见证。伏明霞是中国前著名跳水运动员，被称为跳水女皇，曾是三届奥运金牌得主。梁锦松是成功的香港商界大腕，后曾弃商从政出任财政司司长。他们于2002年结婚，2009年11月受洗。
伏明霞与梁锦松伏明霞：中国著名跳水运动员、三届奥运金牌得主伏明霞幸福一家伏明霞分享说，有一位年长一点的朋友对信主觉得有点惊讶，因为在他眼中我事业与家庭都颇顺利，为什么会信主呢？而且，我以前在国内时也拜过佛，受过密宗活佛灌顶。
一切都是上帝的安排。06年底07年初伏明霞与娘家因一些事情闹意见，与丈夫都非常不能理解，作为女儿心里很难受。这时，伏明霞与女儿的一位同学的家长谈起，她是虔诚基督徒，开始一起祷告，祷告后心里完全平和了，之前的郁闷和对家人的不快感觉，完全一扫而光。
与此同时，身边的基督徒朋友也忽然很积极邀请伏明霞参加查经班，参加后除了学习基督的教导外，也学了不少做人的道理。丈夫梁锦松说，当时恰好是他为伏明霞祷告。自此，二年多来，伏明霞和丈夫经常参加主日祟拜，及每周的查经班。
伏明霞说，信主前，她的事业及家庭发展比较较顺，顾虑不多。但有了孩子后，挂虑的事情多了。特别是看见大规模灾难，感觉人实在渺小，亦担心家的现在和未来。
信主后，最大的不同是心里觉得平安。知道心里的问题有上帝会安排，感觉是轻松多了。信主后，每天祷告成为我不可或缺的习惯，每天感恩，亦把问题向主倾诉。另外，亦清楚及肯定有永生，有了永恒的盼望，对现在面临的问题不再看得太重。
梁锦松和很多香港出生、受教育的人一样，读了十年以上的教会学校，每天唱圣诗、念主祷文，但之前对主没有很大的感觉。中学毕业后，学业及事业都较顺利。所谓少年得志，心里没有空间去接纳主。
他分享说，“2003年离开z /-府后有较多时间，以前同学教导我多认识主，并辅导我读毕《标竿人生》一书。但我对人生一切及上帝命定(Pre-destination) 不理解，便没有继续寻找神。”
2006年他到港福堂参加祟拜。他说：“当时回想到我04年初向主耶稣祷告，后来知道他答应了我的祈求，而我却一直追寻我曾与主交换、并承诺我放弃的事。2007年初我决志信主，之后并经常向朋友介绍我信主的经历和好处。”
梁锦松见证，信主后明显的感到肩上的担子轻了。认识主后，知道事事都有他带领。通俗一点说，是有“大佬可跟”，心情上是轻松多了。况且，知道信主可得永生，现世的事相对不是这么重要了。
最后梁锦松说，“主耶稣教我们要行公义、好怜悯、存谦卑的心、与神同行。我仍然在不断学习，特别是学习谦卑。我希望以后能紧跟主的命令，荣神、益人、尽己。”
Testimony…
Listen for 8 min
If you ask your friends whether they believe in God or not, you will be amazed to find that the reasons for the unbelievers are all similar (rationalism, materialism, etc.), while the reasons for the believers are different. Every Christian’s experience of becoming a Christian is different, and the process may seem bizarre, illogical, and flippant to non-Christian friends. But for a person who has experienced it firsthand, it is so real and believable.
Like all Chinese who were “born in New China and grew up under the red flag”, I received an atheistic education since I was a child, believed in Marxism-Leninism, and was determined to “fight for the cause of × for life”. When “the spring breeze of reform and opening up blew all over the motherland”, I was still a carefree college student. Curious and excited, I began to come into contact with a variety of “worldviews” and philosophies of life. As a result, in a short period of time, the concepts of education that had been instilled for more than ten years were abandoned by me.
Although I don’t know about it, I believe that I have embraced Western ideas such as “existentialism” and “pragmatism”. One of my favorite sayings at the time was, “Everything that exists is reasonable.” I no longer believe that there is anything absolute in the world, I believe that everything is relative: truth, right and wrong, and morality. It has become my goal to have fun and enjoy life while I am young.
All I think about all day long is how to make money and how to enjoy it. But when the coveted material life came true one by one, I found that these things were not attractive. My heart was even more empty, it was a deep emptiness in my soul. I look up to the sky: why do I exist here and now in the vast universe? If everything is accidental, and existence is absurd in the first place, then is it really like some philosophers say that suicide is the only way out?
At that time, Sanmao’s death caused confusion and confusion among my peers: how could a writer with such a successful career and so much experience think of ending his young and beautiful life? For a person who is extremely lonely in his heart, if life has no meaning in the first place, it is not a pity to end it, but on the contrary, it may be a relief.
I also thought about suicide when I was in pain, but I was reluctant to do so, and I always thought that life should be meaningful. So I became interested in religion, I read Buddhism, Taoism, and the Bible, and went to church. But none of this really freed me. I’m really like duckweed on the surface of the water, I don’t know where to float. The future has also lost its appeal to me, and my heart is restless all the time.
I came to the United States when I was desperately hopeless, empty and confused on the road of life. That’s because soon after I got married, my husband went to the United States to study, and half a year later, I also gave up my job in China to visit relatives in the United States to reunite with my husband. I never had much hope for the United States. In my impression, the United States is a desert of “spiritual civilization”, although its “material civilization” is leading in the world. The United States, as I know it through the eyes of an American modernist novelist, is a country where everyone is constantly on the run and desperately striving for fame and fortune (or the so-called “realization of self-worth”). And after having fame and fortune, they either go to the absurd or embrace nothingness. So I believe my answer is not in the United States.
However, the United States is a strange world after all, and since my husband has chosen to Xi study there, I am willing to “go out” to see it. To my great surprise, however, my husband had only been there for a few months when he told me in our “Wild Goose Story” that he had “believed” and become a Christian. This news surprised me, because I always felt that my husband was a thoughtful person who would not easily be superstitious and blindly believed.
This news also made me a little sad: How did my husband, a “man who understands,” suddenly become a slave of religion? I think he must have chosen religion because he was too lonely, too much in need of love, and empty in heart. I was heartbroken for him. At the same time, I also made up my mind that I must give my husband more love and care and drag him back from the church. At that time, I mailed my husband dozens of kilograms of Chinese books, which I believed belonged to “the essence of human civilization for thousands of years”. I hope that with this “spiritual food”, Mr. will no longer need religion as a “spiritual opium”. I am also prepared that when I arrive in the United States, I must use tender love to “save” my husband from the religion I don’t want to believe.
After I came to the United States, my husband seemed to be more and more convinced, and there was no sign of me being “redeemed”. It was I who came into contact with Christians and the Christian faith because my husband attended Bible study every week. My husband studied in Tower City, a small college town in Alabama. There’s a small Chinese Bible study class there: the Tacheng Chinese Christian Fellowship. As soon as I entered this Bible study class, I was immediately attracted by the warm and friendly atmosphere, and at the same time, I was surprised that most of the members of the Bible study class were international students and professors at the university where my husband studied. They were all energetic, confident, and capable, not illiterate or weak women, as I had imagined. Curious about the Christian faith, coupled with being drawn to Christian love, I went to Bible study almost every week, and because I wasn’t in school at the time, I had time to read a little bit of the Bible.
10,000 reasons, but I don’t think I need to be Christian. What are the benefits of being a Christian? Peace of mind? I feel that I have always been a person who is content and happy with what comes his way. To understand the sinful nature of human beings, I have long confessed that “no one is a saint or a sage.” “I confess that although I don’t kill people or set fires, I’m inherently sinful. But since everyone is like this, I’m not ashamed of it, and I don’t want to change. And I’m better than some Christians in many ways? I have self-discipline and I don’t need religion to do good.
As for heaven and hell, I think that’s a myth at all, and I don’t care about anything so far away and unfathomable. What’s more, if there is only absolute beauty in heaven, then what is the value of beauty? Beauty must be opposed to ugliness to show its beauty. Isn’t it too boring for believers in heaven to be with God every day, and all they do is sing songs and praises? More importantly, if I want to believe in one religion, why do I have to believe in Christianity? There are so many religions in the world that all say they are true, how can I know which one is true? In short, I have a thousand reasons not to believe, but none of them have one reason to believe.
Almost everyone from the mainland has had a similar experience: we used to believe some “beautiful” lies very, very innocently. When the old faith is smashed, it is very difficult to re-establish the faith, because it is very difficult to believe what the deceived people believe, not to mention the superficial similarities between the old and the new faith.
I remember when I first came to the United States, I attended a gospel camp and one of the speakers asked, “Have you ever seen a counterfeit seven-dollar bill?” and everyone replied in unison, “No.” Then the speaker asked, “Why not?” and no one knew how to answer. The speaker said, “Because there is no truth, there is no false.” This made me ponder: Is the existence of so many false gods in the world a proof of the existence of a true God? Moreover, everything that is “fake and shoddy” always tries to imitate the real thing in appearance. It is often said that the most brilliant liar is one percent lie mixed with ninety-nine percent truth. Because there is a fake, even if people encounter the real one, they will doubt it and can’t believe it, is it because I have encountered the fake one, and I can’t even believe the truth?
I have also seen such a “bet theory” (it is said that the original words were said by the great French thinker Pascal): If there is a God, you will make a lot of money if you become a Christian, but if you are not a Christian, you will be miserable; if there is no God, you will have peace and joy as a Christian all your life, and there is no harm in it, so you will only make money and not lose money by betting on “faith…… But I can’t bet on my faith. I still don’t want to be blindly trusted.
I read a lot of books and wanted to seek the truth. I have read “Ironclad Evidence”, which is of great help to many people, and I no longer doubt the authenticity of the Bible; I have read “Scientific Creationism” and no longer have superstitious beliefs about the “theory of evolution”; I have read “The World’s Major Religions”, “The Comparison between Christianity and Islam”, “The Book of Mormon”, etc., and have gained more knowledge and understanding of other non-Christian religious beliefs. I also read some expository books while reading the Bible, which was also very helpful in answering some of the questions in the Bible that have been bothering me.
Many of the obstacles to reason have been removed, but I still don’t want to become a Christian. Emotionally, many Christians around me have set a good example for me, and I want to be able to love each other with them and love others as they do. But why am I still reluctant to become a Christian? Looking back now, behind many excuses, it was my hard-hearted refusal to accept God. Because deep down I knew very well that being a Christian meant that I no longer belonged to this world and that I had to say goodbye to my past. And I still have too much nostalgia for the world and my past, and there are too many things that are difficult to let go of.
Another “reason” was that I was preparing for the GRE test at the time, and I wanted to take the test on my ability, to prove that I was relying on strength rather than relying on God’s protection, and to achieve my dream of going to school. It has been said that faith has several aspects: feelings, reason, and will. Indeed, even when I was emotionally and intellectually attached to the Christian faith, I still “chose” not to believe in God—a decision made by the will.
Someone said to me that your husband believed in the Lord before you, and it should be logical for you to be influenced by him and become a Christian again. My husband knows this best: I am a person with a particularly heavy “rebellious mentality” and likes to raise the bar with others. If you say that Christianity is bad, I may “defend” Christians, and if you say that it is good to be a Christian, I will try to find a reason to oppose it. So I went to Bible study for more than a year, and every time I was willing to argue with others, I became a “senior catechumen” who was an old “seeker” and did not believe in the Lord. My husband is an anxious person, but when it comes to my faith, he knows that I can’t be in a hurry, so he is quite calm and never pushes me.
That Christmas I went with my husband to Atlanta to attend a Christian meeting. Because I was not yet a Christian, I had to attend “catechumens.” Most of the people in this class had just come to the United States from China and had little understanding of Christianity and the Bible. The questions I asked seemed to me to be “rudimentary” and superficial, questions that had been asked countless times by others and that I had heard Christians answer countless times. I couldn’t resist “helping” the presiding Christian’s answer, which made people wonder why I hadn’t come to faith yet. On the last day of the meeting, a pastor we knew said he was going to lead me in prayer. I was immediately “alert” and knew what a “decision” was. I quickly affirmed that I would not make up my mind, and the pastor laughed and said that we could still pray together. So I prayed to the pastor, “God if you really exist, help me and open my heart so that I may know you and receive you.”
Coming back from that party, I was busy preparing for the GRE again. There was no particular emotion, no miracles, and I forgot to pray to the pastor, just listening to my husband pray for my exams every day before going to bed. My English foundation is not very good, it is really sad to take the GRE, and I often worry about not making progress in Xi for a long time, but my husband’s prayers and encouragement give me a lot of comfort.
One day when we went to Sunday service, after the pastor finished the sermon, everyone sang a song that they had heard many times before: “Just As I Am.” It was a song with great lyrics, and it was very moving. As I listened that day, tears began to fall. I knew my time had come. God has been patient with me again and again, and because of my hard heart, I have given me many opportunities, and now it is time for me to turn back, to return. Then I said, “Forgive me, O God, my stubbornness and my pride, and I will accept you as my Savior, and the Lord of my life, and I will give you my whole life to be in charge of you…… This is the first time I have asked someone else to “take control” of my life, but what is there to be ashamed of when I am prostrated before the Creator of heaven and earth?
The GRE test in February was fast approaching, and as I had done every time I faced an important test, I felt that I was not fully prepared, I was very nervous, and I was afraid that my mind would go blank when I went to the test room. After the exam, I left the examination room, and my husband, who was waiting outside, came over and asked me how I felt. I said that I was a little nervous when I first entered the examination room, so I started praying, and then I didn’t feel nervous at all, and I answered the questions very quickly, and many of the questions seemed to be “déjà vu”, and I couldn’t remember where I saw them. The gentleman didn’t say much. When the results came down, the score was far better than when I usually did the mock test, which can be said to be “super level performance”. My husband and I knew in our hearts that it was God’s gift for my little weak faith that I had first believed. So, having just come to faith and most afraid to speak in front of people, I testified in the church fellowship that “I found favor at the first faith.”
The lonely earth looks back on the road he has traveled in this life, and it can be said that it is very smooth. I grew up in a harmonious family, my parents loved me, and my siblings were close to each other. My studies have been smooth sailing, from primary school to university, I have always been a good student and class cadre in the class, and after graduation, I was assigned to work in a research unit in my hometown with an absolute counterpart, and I was also reused by the leaders and listed as a “key training object”. When I reached the age of marriage, I married a gentleman who loved me and loved me, and had good quality and character. In the eyes of the world, I have everything I should have materially and spiritually, and I should be very satisfied. But why do I still feel empty and irritable, and why do I still feel a lingering sorrow in the bustling streets, after a short period of happiness?
In the past, I thought that this was because the earth was lonely in the vast universe, so people on the earth also had an innate loneliness and despair. Now I realize that I have this feeling of loneliness and hopelessness because I have left God, so I have no peace of mind. As the philosopher said, there is a hole in the human heart, and this hole cannot be filled with anything in the world – money, fame, health, friendship, family affection, love – only God can fill it. I think it’s because we are God’s creation, and in his own image. He puts the “Spirit” in our hearts, so that we will only find true satisfaction and peace when our Spirit is connected and communed with God.
Ever since I came to know God, I have finally found my place in life, and since then my wandering mind has found peace. I know where I’m coming from, where I’m going, and I know the true meaning of life. I began to learn to cherish every day of my life and my marriage even more. When I got married, I didn’t have the luxury of having a happy marriage, because I didn’t believe that there would be any happy marriages in the world, and I didn’t believe in the “fairy tale ending” of “staying together for life” and “growing old”.
After I became a Christian, I came to realize that I was selfish, self-willed, strong, and unloving, and I realized how considerate and caring my husband was for me at every turn. In the past, I used to look forward to a “vigorous” life, but now I have experienced God’s care and the beauty of life in my seemingly ordinary life day after day. Three years ago, God gave us a lovely little baby, and for three years I have been studying, working, and taking care of children, and we have experienced God’s presence in the ups and downs. Not only did we come one step at a time, but our family was very loving. I would say that the greatest blessing of my life has been the knowledge of Jesus Christ. In the future journey of life, I may encounter all kinds of difficulties and trials, but I have no fear of facing tomorrow, because I am convinced that “no matter what the circumstances, I have been led by the Lord”.
恩典见证 27.一…
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如果你去问周围的朋友信不信上帝，你会惊奇地发现，不信者的理由都是相似的（理性主义、唯物主义等等），而信者的理由却各不相同。每个基督徒信主的经历都不一样，其过程在非基督徒朋友眼里似乎都有点离奇、不合逻辑、轻率。但对於一个有切身体验的人来说，却是那麽真实可信。
行乐须及春和所有“生在新中国，长在红旗下”的中国人一样，我从小受的是无神论教育，相信马列主义，并且立志“为×事业奋斗终身”。当“改革开放的春风吹遍祖国大地”的时候，我还是个无忧无虑的大学生。带著好奇与兴奋，我开始接触各种各样的“世界观”和人生哲学。结果在短短的时间内，十几年灌输教育的那些观念，便被我抛弃。
虽然并不是真正的了解，但我相信自己接受了“存在主义”、“实用主义”等等西方思想。那时候我最喜欢的一句话是“凡是存在的都是合理的”。我不再相信世界上还有任何绝对的东西，我相信一切都是相对的：真理、是非、道德……趁著年轻及时行乐、享受人生，便成了我的目标。
我一天到晚所思所想就是怎样赚钱，怎样享受。但是当梦寐以求的物质生活一一实现了的时候，我发现这些东西并没有真正的吸引力。我的心更加空虚，那是一种灵魂深处的空虚。我仰望苍天：茫茫宇宙为什麽我要在此时、此地存在？如果一切都是偶然，生存原本就是荒诞的，那麽真的像有的哲学家所说，自杀便是唯一的出路？
当时三毛的死曾引起我的同龄人的迷惑与不解：一个事业有成、经历如此丰富的作家，怎麽会想到要结束自己年轻而美好的生命？可是我认为我理解三毛。对一个内心极端孤独的人来说，如果生命原本没有意义，结束也就谈不上可惜，相反地倒可能是一种解脱。
痛苦的时候我也想到过自杀，但是我心又不甘，总认为生命应该是有意义的。於是我开始对宗教感兴趣，看佛教、道教的东西，也看过圣经，去过教堂。但是这一切并没有真正让我解脱。我真的是像水面的浮萍，不知道要飘向何处。未来也对我失去了吸引力，我的心终日烦燥不安。
“抢救”丈夫在人生的道路上极度无望、空虚迷惘的时候，我来到美国。那是因为结婚後不久，先生就赴美留学，半年後我也放下在国内的工作到美国探亲与先生团聚。对美国，我从来没有抱太大的希望。在我的印象中，美国是一个“精神文明”的荒漠，虽然它的“物质文明”在世界领先。我透过美国现代派小说家的眼睛所了解的美国，是一个每个人都为了名利（或者所谓“自我价值的实现”）而不停地奔波、拼命地奋斗的国家。而在拥有了名利以後，他们要麽走向荒诞，要麽拥抱虚无。所以我相信我的答案不在美国。
不过美国毕竟是一个陌生的世界，既然我的先生选择了到那里学习深造，我也愿意“出去”看看。然而让我大为吃惊的是，我先生刚刚去了那里几个月，便在我们的“鸿雁传书”中告诉我，他已经“信主”成了一名基督徒。这个消息让我意想不到，因为我一直觉得先生是挺有思想、不会轻易迷信盲信的人。
这个消息也让我有点悲叹起来：我先生这样一个“明白人”，怎麽就一下子变成了宗教的奴隶？我想他一定是一个人在外太孤单、太需要爱、心灵太空虚，所以才选择了宗教。我当时的心情真的是为他很心痛。同时我也暗下决心：一定要给先生更多的爱和关怀，把他从教会拖回来。我当时就给先生邮寄了几十公斤的中文书籍，都是我认为属於“几千年来人类文明的精髓”的。我希望有了这些“精神粮食”，先生就不会再需要宗教这个“精神鸦片”。我也做好准备，到美国後一定要好好用温柔的爱，把先生从我不愿意相信的宗教里面，“挽救”回来。
我来到美国後，先生好像越信越深，没有一点被我“挽回”的迹象。倒是我，因为先生每周参加查经班活动的缘故，开始接触基督徒和基督教信仰。我先生就读的地方，是阿拉巴马州的一个小小的大学城塔城。在那里有一个小小的华人查经班：塔城华人基督徒团契。一进到这个查经班，我立即被那种友爱温馨的气氛所吸引，同时让我吃惊的是，查经班的绝大多数成员，都是我先生就读的这所大学的留学生和教授。他们个个都是充满活力、自信能干的样子，并不像我想像中的那样要麽是大字不识的文盲，要麽是软弱无能的妇女。对基督徒的信仰的好奇，加上受到基督徒的爱心的吸引，我几乎每周都去查经班，而且因为我当时还没有上学，所以也有时间读一点圣经。
一万条理由但是我觉得我不需要信基督教。当基督徒有什麽好处？内心的“平安”？我觉得自己从来就是个随遇而安、知足常乐的人。为了认识人的罪性？我早就承认“人非圣贤，孰能无过。”我承认自己虽然不杀人、不放火，但在本质上是有罪性的。但是既然人人都如此，我也并不为此感到羞愧，也不想改变。再说我在很多方面比有的基督徒做得还要好呢？我有自律的能力，不需要通过宗教才能行善。
至於天堂和地狱，我认为那根本是“神话”，而且我也不在乎那麽遥远不可测的东西。更何况如果天堂里面只有绝对的美好，那美还有什麽价值？美要跟丑相对立才能显出其美丽麽。天堂里面信徒天天跟上帝在一起，做的事情只有唱歌赞美，岂不是太枯燥乏味？更重要的一点是，如果真要信一个宗教，我为什麽一定要相信基督教呢？世上有这麽多宗教，都说自己是真的，我又怎麽知道到底哪一个是真的呢？总之，我有一千个理由不信，却没有一条理由信。
从大陆来的人几乎都有相似的经历：我们曾经很很纯真地相信了一些“美丽”的谎言。当旧有的信仰被砸碎後，重新建立信仰就很难了，因为要上过当受过骗的人再相信什麽是很困难的，更何况新旧信仰之间表面上还有一些相似之处。
记得我刚来美国时参加过一个福音营，有一位讲员问大家：“你们有没有见过七美元的伪钞？”大家齐声回答：“没有。”讲员又问：“为什麽没有呢？”大家都不知道怎麽回答。讲员说：“因为没有真的，所以就没有假的。”这使我深思：世上有这麽多假神的存在，是不是恰证明了有一位真神存在？而且，凡“假冒伪劣”的东西，总是要在外表上尽量模仿真的。人们常说最高明的骗子是在百分之九十九的真理中掺入百分之一的谎言。由於有假的，人们即使遇到了真的，也会怀疑，不敢相信，我是否也是因为碰上过假的，就连真的也不敢信了呢？
我还曾经见过这样的一个“赌注论”（据说原话是法国大思想家帕斯卡说的）：如果真有上帝，你成为基督徒就大赚，不是基督徒就惨了；如果没有上帝，你当一辈子基督徒有平安喜乐，也没有任何害处，所以把宝押在“信”上是只赚不赔的……可我不能拿自己的信心当“赌注”。我还是不愿意盲信。
我看了不少的书籍，希望真正地探求真理。我看了《铁证待判》，这本对很多人都有很大的帮助的书，让我对圣经的真实性不再怀疑；我看了《科学创造论》，对“进化论”不再迷信；看了《世界几大宗教》、《基督教与回教的比教》、《摩门经》等，对其它非基督教的宗教信仰有了更多的认识与了解。又在读圣经的同时看了一些解经的书，对解答圣经中一些一直困惑我的问题也很有帮助.
理性上的很多障碍都已经消除，但是我还是不愿意成为一名基督徒。要说感情上，我身边的很多基督徒已经给我做了很好的榜样，我也希望能够跟他们互相友爱，希望像他们那样对他人充满爱心。可我为什麽仍然不愿意成为一名基督徒呢？现在再回过头去看，其实在很多藉口的背後，还是我的硬心拒绝接受神。因为在心灵深处我很清楚，当一名基督徒就意味著我不再属於这个世界，我必须与自己的过去告别。而我对这个世界、对自己的过去仍然有太多的留恋，有太多难以割舍的东西。
另外一个“理由”，是我当时正在准备GRE考试，我想要凭自己的能力去考，要证明自己是靠实力而不是靠上帝的保守，实现自己上学的理想的。有人说，信仰有几个方面：感情、理性和意志。确实，当我在感情和理性上都对基督教信仰认同以後，我仍然“选择”不信神──这就是意志所做的决定。
超水平发挥有人对我说，你先生比你先信主，你在他後面，受影响，再成为基督徒应该是顺理成章的。其实这一点我先生最清楚：我是个“逆反心理”特别重的人，喜欢跟人抬杠。你若说基督教不好，我可能会为基督徒“辩护”几句，你若说当基督徒好，我就会拼命挑刺找出反对的理由。所以我去了查经班一年多，每次都是乐於跟人争辩，成了一名老“慕道”不信主的“资深慕道友”。先生是个急性子人，但是在我信主的事情上，倒是知道急是急不来的，所以还挺沉得住气，也从不催逼我。
那年的圣诞节我跟著先生一起去亚特兰大，参加一个基督徒的聚会。因为我还不是基督徒，所以只能参加“慕道班”。这个班上大部分人都是刚从国内来美国不久，对基督教和圣经了解很少。他们提的问题我觉得都很“初级”、肤浅，都是别人已经问过无数次、我也听基督徒回答过无数次的问题了。我就忍不住“帮助”主持的基督徒回答，搞得人家很奇怪我为什麽还没有信主。聚会的最後一天，我们熟悉的一位牧师说要带领我祷告。我马上就很“警觉”，我可知道什麽叫“决志”。我赶紧申明我不会决志，牧师笑说还是可以一起祷告麽。於是我跟著牧师做了这样一个祷告：“神啊，如果你真的存在，求你帮助我，打开我的心，好叫我认识你、接受你”。
从那个聚会回来，我又开始忙著准备GRE考试。没有特别的感动，也没有什麽奇蹟出现，我也忘记了跟牧师做的祷告，只是每天睡觉前听先生为我的考试祷告。我的英文根底不太好，要考GRE真的是非常愁苦，常常为复习多时没有进步而烦恼，先生的祷告和鼓励倒是给我很多安慰。
直到有一天去主日崇拜，牧师讲完道後大家唱一首以前听过多次的歌：《照我本像》（Just As I Am）。那是一首词曲俱佳的歌，非常动人。那天我听著听著，眼泪就止不住地掉了下来。我知道我的时候到了。神对我一再宽容、忍耐，也因为我的硬心给我很多机会，现在我该回头、该归回了。我便说，神啊，求你赦免我的顽梗和骄傲吧，我愿意接受你做我的救主，我生命的主，我要把自己的一生都交给你，让你掌管……这是我第一次要别人“掌管”我的生命；但是，我是俯伏在天地万物的创造者面前，又有什麽可羞愧的呢？
二月份的GRE考试很快就到了，我跟以前每次面临重要考试一样，觉得自己还没有完全准备好，十分紧张，害怕上了考场就脑子里面一片空白。考完出了考场，等候在外面的先生过来问我感觉怎样。我说刚进考场时有点紧张，於是我开始祷告，後来便一点也不觉得紧张了，题也答得挺快，有好多题彷佛“似曾相识”，又想不起来在哪里看到过。先生没有多说什麽。等成绩下来，分数远比我平时做模拟考的时候好，可以说是“超水平发挥”。我和先生心里知道这是神给的，他眷顾初信的我的微小软弱的信心。於是，刚信主不久而且最害怕在众人面前讲话的我，在教会团契中开口做了“初信之时，我蒙恩惠”的见证。
孤独的地球回首自己这一生走过的路，可以说是非常顺利。我生长在一个和睦的家庭，父母疼爱我，兄弟姐妹之间亲密相处。我的学业一帆风顺，从小学到大学，一直是班上的好学生、班干部，毕业後分配在家乡一个专业绝对对口的研究单位工作，也很被领导重用，列为“重点培训对象”。到了婚嫁的年龄，又嫁了个爱我疼我，素质、人品都好的先生。在世人眼里，物质上、精神上该有的我都有了，我应该很满足了。可我为什麽还是一直感到空虚、烦躁？我为什麽仍然常常在热闹的街头、在短暂的快乐之後，感到一种挥之不去的忧愁？
以前我认为，这是因为地球在茫茫的宇宙当中是孤独的，所以地球上的人也就有一种与生俱来的孤独与绝望。现在我才明白，我有这种孤独和绝望的感觉，是因为我离开了上帝，所以心灵得不到安宁。正如哲学家所说：在人心里有一个洞，这个洞用世上任何东西──金钱、名利、健康、友情、亲情、爱情都不能填满，只有上帝才能够填补。我想这是因为我们本是上帝所造，且是照著他自己的形像所造。他把“灵”放在我们心中，因此，只有当我们的灵与上帝接上、相通的时候，我们才会得到真正的满足和平安。
自从我认识了上帝，我终於找到了生命的归宿，从此我那漂泊不定的心灵得到了安宁。我知道了我从何处来，要往哪里去，我知道了生命真正的意义。我开始学会珍惜生命中的每一天，也更珍惜我的婚姻。当我结婚的时候，我根本没有奢望有幸福美满的婚姻，因为那时我根本就不相信世界上会有什麽幸福美满的婚姻，我也不相信“终身相守”、“白头到老”的“童话故事结局”。
在我成为基督徒以後，我逐渐认识到自己的自私、任性、好强和缺乏爱心，更体会到先生处处都对我那麽体贴和关怀。以前的我曾经期盼过一种“轰轰烈烈”的生活，而今的我在日复一日、看似平凡的生活中，体会到了上帝的看顾和生活的美好。三年前神赐给我们一个可爱的小宝宝，三年来我读书，先生工作，还要带孩子，我们在酸甜苦辣中经历了神的同在。我们不但一步步走了过来，而且我们的家庭恩爱有加。我要说，我一生中最大的福分是认识了耶稣基督。在今後的人生旅途上，或许我还会遇到各种各样的困难和考验，但是面对明天，我毫无惧怕，因为我深信“无论何环境，我已蒙主引领”。
恩典见证 26.我…
音频 8 分钟
旅美科技工作者。四川成都人，复旦大学化学系毕业。1992年赴美留学，1995年至今在美从事化工科研开发工作，曾任研发工程师、技术经理，现为咨询公司主管。1995年始触中文网，十年来在中文网络上发表大量文帖，内容涉及宗教、科学、社会、文化等方面，被称为“网络先锋”。美国校园特邀讲员，网络电视台嘉宾。创建管理“基甸连线”网站和“哈比人博客”，著有《穿越网络的信仰思辨》。
我一直认为，每个人信主的经历本身都可以说是一件“神迹”，因为太多看来完全不可能信主的人，都被那位又真又活的宇宙万物的真神寻见。就说我自己吧，以大陆年轻一代“知识分子”的背景，又是学自然科学的，今天能够信主得救，真的全是神的恩典。
我出身於一个大陆知识分子家庭，父母都是医学院毕业，毕业後被“分配”到生活艰苦、气候“高寒”的四川藏族地区工作。我从小由外婆带大，才得以留在城市受一些的教育。小时候算是一个“听话懂事”的孩子。读中学时高考制度已经恢复，我虽然年纪尚小，但头脑中已经知道只有考上大学才是唯一的“出路”，才能摆脱回父母那里工作的“命运”。於是更加发奋努力读书，後来考入复旦大学。大学期间除了专业（化学）方面的学习，也拚命吸收其它方面的知识，对西方思想、文化渐渐产生兴趣，同时也形成了一种建立在自我上面的“个人奋斗”的“人生观”。
那时的我虽然对“官方”的意识形态已经怀疑、反叛，但在信仰上并没有太多的思考和追求，内心还骄傲地认为：“除了自己，什麽也不信。”大学毕业後回到成都工作，进入社会，仍然是没有信仰可言。一方面在打麻将这样的“娱乐”中消磨光阴，一方面却又还有点“不甘沉沦”，因著心中那一点点残存的中国“知识分子”传统的“忧国忧民”之心，也还想追求一点点“理想”。尽管当时的“理想”概念是模糊的，大概也就是“为国家、为人民做点有益的事情”之类的想法吧。当时觉得自己挺不错的，总比完全对“理想”这一类东西漠不关心的同辈，“垮掉的一代”好一点吧。
青年知识分子 – 精神上最大的苦闷其实就是没有一个立命安身的信仰，对人生意义和自己的价值的迷茫。我拚命试图摆脱这种迷失，但是对名利的追求让我不能得到真正的满足，“劳民伤财”的“娱乐”无异於“饮鸩止渴”，社会上的世态更让我认识到人心的诡诈险恶。我开始认识到“问题的核心是人心的问题”，同时更看到自己的渺小可悲：以自己身上无可救药的“人性的弱点”，连自己都无法“超越”，还谈什麽“修身、齐家、治国、平天下”？
痛苦当中我朦胧地意识到对一种超越的信仰的需求。我开始更多地看一些哲学、宗教方面的书。从西方哲学，到中国传统思想，从佛、道、老、庄，到存在主义，甚至气功、命相，我从这些当中偶尔也能看到人类智慧的闪光，但是这些东西并不能给我生命意义的答案。关於基督教的书我也读了一些，其中多半是怀疑、批判、甚至谩骂攻讦的。少数比较公允的也只是把基督教思想作为西方精神支柱之一的一种哲学思想来加以介绍。倒是有一本名为《拯救与逍遥》的书
从“比较哲学”的角度把基督教信仰体系同其它东西方哲学宗教放在一起“比较”。书中虽然没有什麽结论，我看完却对基督教信仰产生很深的景仰，对这种对上帝的信仰产生了向往。就在这段时间内我通过认识一些基督徒，对活生生的基督教信仰也有了一些接触。1990年我为了挣些“第二职业”的“外快”去考了业馀英语导游的执照。当时有一个英国“气垫船长江科学考察团”的中方陪同通过旅行社雇我去当翻译。这个考察团是要用气垫船往长江上游“探险”，逆流而上直到长江源头。
我觉得很有意思，加上也想挣点钱，所以向单位请了假参加这次不同寻常的“长漂”。後来我才知道这个团里几乎所有成员都是基督徒，他们在英国都有自己的事业和家庭。他们自愿组队，每个人自己掏腰包到中国来搞这次活动，并不是为了旅游消闲。除了地理、地质、材料、医学等方面的科学考察研究外，他们还有一个重要的目的，就是利用气垫船这一现代交通工具尝试给长江上游这样的闭塞地区传医送药、引进现代科技，进行人道援助等等的可能性。但是他们这一活动几经周折，不但历经艰险，要与长江上游恶劣的自然环境抗争，还要克服各种人为的阻碍。尽管他们有国务院的批文，还是不得不成天与官僚主义和一些唯利是图的中方人员打交道，有时连我这个翻译都不免沮丧。但是我看到他们这些基督徒却是耐心地祷告，仰望他们的上帝，用极大的爱心来宽恕、理解别人。
在长江上游和他们朝夕相处，风雨同舟一个多月，他们并没有机会系统地向我传讲福音，但是我从他们面对艰难险阻的态度，从那种超越的信仰的自然流露中，看到了他们的信仰带给他们的力量，看到了对上帝的信靠对他们生活的积极影响。这种活生生的“见证”远比书本上的哲学真实可信，让我对基督教信仰有了好感，也在无形当中抵销了一些先入为主的成见和误解。这次“长漂”以後，我的一位学英语的朋友告诉我他已经信主，并且邀请我去参加他们一邦青年基督徒的“家庭聚会”。我於是有机会见到了新一代的中国基督徒，看到、听到这一群跟自己背景相似的年轻人怎样祷告、查经、唱诗、分享。不过我当时只是抱著“看看”的态度，对基督教信仰的认同仍然还是停留在文化、知识的层面上，我自己想都没想过要去“信主”，让这种信仰同自己的生命发生关系。
〔求学美国〕92年8月我来到美国求学。每个从大陆出来的人都有一大篇出国的“过五关斩六将”的曲折故事，我当然也不例外。单位的“挽留”，考“托福”、考GRE、申请资助的困难，更不在话下。我在成都签证时就在美领馆前面排了四天四夜。更“玄”的是，直到签证前一天的下午我才拿到第二次寄给我的I-20表！我当时虽然还未信主，也恍惚感到冥冥之中有一双慈爱的手在带领。
刚到美国的时候（我当时在阿拉巴马大学），生活上的不习惯、与妻子分开的孤独，让我一下子面临很多困难。但是我一到阿拉巴马，就有同乡、同系的“老刘”到机场来接我（我以前并不认识他）。他们一家在那段时间更是从各方面给我很多帮助，用车载我跑这跑那成了常事，而我很快得知他们那时刚刚信主成为基督徒。通过他们，我又渐渐认识了更多的华人及美国人基督徒朋友，这些“弟兄姐妹”从生活上、精神上给了我很多的帮助，也带我去“查经班”和教会。
我从他们身上看到满有上帝之爱、满有平安喜乐的生命闪光，让我再次对这种真实的生命背後的信仰产生向往。在“查经班”查考圣经更让我有机会直接、真实地了解基督教信仰的基本要义。开始时我当然也有问不完的问题，不过因为查经班的气氛非常自由、活跃，我也就毫不客气、大胆（甚至刁钻）地向基督徒朋友们提问，与他们辩论，而弟兄姐妹总是耐心解答、谦虚讨论。我渐渐意识到自己以前对有神论、对基督教信仰的偏见和误解，也开始突破一些以前自己以为是“科学理性”的阻拦。圣经的真伪、进化论与神创论的比较、基督教与其它宗教的区别 – 反覆的思考、讨论，使我越来越从理性上认同基督徒的信仰。圣经和主耶稣的话更是常常震撼、感动我的心灵。
〔生命的改变〕92年10月的一个主日，我在当地的一个美国教会参加崇拜。当天美国牧师证道具体讲的什麽我都记不得了，但我的心被上帝之爱深深感动。当牧师讲道後“呼召”，请愿意在那个时刻接受主耶稣的人走上前去的时候，我虽然心里仍有挣扎、仍有那麽多不能明白的问题，但是我的感动是如此之深，我好像身不由己，移步走向前台，当众表明自己的决定，接受主耶稣进入我的生命，做我个人的救主和生命的主，让他管理我的一生。信主以後，我的生命在不知不觉中发生了非常多的改变，正像“瞎眼今得看见”一般，我的世界观、人生观、价值观彻底更新。以前以自我为中心、道德上自以为是、否定上帝存在的我，现在认识了神的创造和人的罪性，神也给我一颗顺服上帝、常常感恩的心。
以前对人生的意义苦苦探寻却一无所获，现在能够因著接受耶稣基督的爱而认识那一位创造宇宙万物、也创造生命气息的神，而且可以通过祷告、读神的话圣经，与神亲近，在生活中经历神的带领，每日出入得蒙神的看顾，劳苦愁烦时有了“精神支柱”，遇到困难时也有了力量的源泉。以前的我性格暴躁、自私好斗，现在靠著活在基督里面、靠著神的带领，我的脾气慢慢变好，在教会也能学习以爱心待人。最明显的例子，要算跟太太的夫妻关系。现在大家看我们都说是“恩爱、体贴”，其实我们俩原来性格、脾气并不都是那麽好，完全是因为信主後俩人能够时时一同祷告，按圣经的教导“彼此顺服”，美好的家庭生活才如此蒙神保守。我深深感到成为一个基督徒、做神儿女，使我的人生有了终极的信仰、目标，也给予我积极向上的人生态度。
我漂流的心灵不再流浪，迷失的灵魂回到了永恒的故乡。我自己在以前的学业、觅职及现在的工作等方面都得到神慈爱的带领，在精神上更是享受到神所赐的“更丰富的生命”，这样的“生活方式”带给我的是满有平静安稳的心境和超越环境的心灵满足与快乐。回顾我信主走过的路，我对神在我身上的恩典充满感激。以前曾经感叹命运像“上帝的骰子”，其实在上帝那里根本就没有什麽“偶然事件”。今天回头一看，我这一路“信仰之旅”，每一步无不是神恩手的牵引，每一程无不是神亲自的看顾。神的爱让我叹其奇妙，仰其深高，也巴不得能和自己的亲人朋友分享。朋友，如果你愿意打开你的心门，如果你真心渴慕寻求真理，我相信神也一定会将你寻著，让你也能享受到这“奇异恩典”，得著这永远的生命。因为这是神的心意，也是神的应许。“你们祈求，就给你们；寻找，就寻见；叩门，就给你们开门”。（太7：7）