Behind “Xiao Huanxi” lies the “heart crisis” of middle-aged people
The plot covers several types of mid-life crises. Fangyuan’s unemployment is a workplace crisis, Liu Jing’s cancer is a health crisis, and Qiao Weidong’s derailment is an emotional crisis. In fact, the midlife crisis is not a crisis of work, but a crisis of the heart. Work, marriage, and children, which were so strong in the first half, are no less exciting. Are you satisfied with your life? In middle age, crises expose why we live.
“Little Joy” is a hit drama this summer, and the topics triggered by the plot of the drama are frequently on the hot search list. Although the TV series tells about the different situations faced by the children of the three families in the college entrance examination, it actually reflects a phenomenon unique to middle-aged parents-the midlife crisis. The child is just a contact point that detonates the crisis.
In the play, Fang Yuan, played by Huang Lei, graduated from a prestigious university and was originally a veteran of a company. After the company’s merger and acquisition, he thought he was going to be promoted, but he was the only one in the company who was fired. At the age of 45, he was laid off. There were seniors and juniors in high school, and his wife was also demoted. Faced with the family’s living expenses and children’s education expenses, the stability and comfort that has always been shattered, Fang Yuan realized that he was at a loss, and finally broke down and cried.
The crises experienced by the three families can roughly summarize several types of midlife crises: career crisis (Fangyuan is unemployed), health crisis (Liu Jing suffers from cancer), economic crisis (Fangyuan’s parents were defrauded of 800,000 by pyramid schemes), emotional crisis (Qiao Weidong cheating). All these crises have one thing in common: fickleness. They are beyond our control. When problems arise, we discover that what we thought we could control is actually controlling us.
It is this kind of experience that resonates with many middle-aged parents. When a crisis like this strikes, can we get through it safely? It’s either danger or a turnaround
The dramatic plots experienced by several families in the play can be called “triggering events”. For Fang Yuan, the sudden unemployment triggered his crisis; for Qiao Weidong and Song Qian, the divorce caused a crisis for the whole family;
The three families are initially unaware of neglected issues in their busy lives until a “trigger event” seems to open their eyes. What they experienced was not a bad thing, and they were given this window into a life they never had. What we can be sure of is that when we hit middle age, we are either in great danger or at a turning point in our lives.
When something is taken from us, people tend to become fearful, distressed, restless or discouraged. This reveals exactly what we really live for, what really rules us. Whether career, money, power, or love, when we believe that we can’t live without them, when these things disappear or let us down, we feel that life is also leaving us, and we have lost our way.
Maybe your eyes are full of your own children. When they leave the house, you feel like your life is over and you don’t know what to do with yourself. Children are the whole meaning of your life and the motivation to get up every morning, just like the single mother Song Qian in the play.
Once Yingzi broke down completely and ran to the beach to commit suicide. Until this time, Song Qian, who is a mother, was still asking: “Mom just doesn’t understand why you have to go to Nantah!” Yingzi cried: “I don’t want to go to Nantah, I just want to escape from you.” !” Yingzi said: “You are good enough for me. You cook for me every day, give me lessons, and take care of my life. I know that it is not easy for you. I think too much. I, I am not worthy of what you give me. my love!”
For Song Qian, her daughter Yingzi is everything to her. Even for the sake of her children, she can ignore her emotions. The food must be the healthiest, such as bird’s nest, sea cucumber, whatever is nutritious and what to do; learning must make a scientific plan, every second counts, and you must pay attention to and monitor the dynamic graph of the results; the child’s room must be soundproof, and blinds should be installed outside for easy observation. In Song Qian’s eyes, all of this is for the good of Yingzi, but Yingzi is overwhelmed by these pressures. Song Qian’s “love” for her daughter Yingzi suffocates Yingzi. In the name of great motherly love, Song Qian selfishly deprived the child of her freedom, because once the child became independent, she would have no way to deal with herself.
Maybe what you care about most is health or beauty, but the health and body shape of middle-aged people can no longer return to the best state they used to be. Perhaps the financial success and material comforts are so attractive to you that when they are lost, you become discouraged. There is also a possibility that the big house that you worked hard for in the first half of your life is still there, but the luxurious decoration and exquisite furniture can no longer attract your attention, and the high-end cars are no longer as impressive as when you just changed the car. You can’t put it down, and even your spouse has begun to tire you.
Qiao Weidong experienced such a crisis. As a big boss, he owns everything including a house and a car, a successful college romance, his wife is a teacher, and his daughter is a top student. But in middle age, Qiao Weidong began to be dissatisfied with life. He thinks that his wife controls him tightly, “just like managing his son”. Taking advantage of his wife’s suspicion of cheating on him, Qiao Weidong actually left. The reason was – he was bored. I used to think that he was a “good wife and mother, and everything is fine”, but in middle age, he looks beautiful on the surface, but he has unspeakable depression and difficulties in his heart. His wife’s thoughtfulness is gradually no longer a kind of sweetness to Qiao Weidong but the contrary. become a burden.
This is exactly one of the typical manifestations of a midlife crisis: dissatisfaction with life. Suddenly, you start looking around and you don’t like your life. Life becomes goalless, routine, and dull. You may experience constant boredom and disappointment. The bottom line is that you are dissatisfied with the life story you have lived through. This dissatisfaction is not necessarily for a specific thing, but a general dissatisfaction.
These grievances are often hovering in our hearts, and when there is no real hope of solving them, people are easily manipulated by the desires of the flesh. Qiao Weidong then felt that his wife could not satisfy him, leading to cheating. People will constantly look for substitutes in an attempt to satisfy themselves. Some people overeat when they can’t be satisfied, some people cope by getting what we normally perceive as satisfying, and some people become so numb to their pursuit of leisure or indulgence that they lose hope altogether.
Not a crisis of things, but a crisis of the heart
We are all easily seduced by power, success, acceptance, appreciation, possessions, status, respect, performance, control, and comfort. Paul Tripp, the founder of a well-known American psychological counseling ministry, believes that the midlife crisis is fundamentally rooted in inner idol worship, and these idols have a strong temptation.
There are often such temptations in the Christian life. When a crisis arises, we, like the Israelites at the foot of Mount Sinai, begin to dedicate ourselves to other things. Forged with human hands, the golden calf has no thoughts, no feelings, no strength, no life, just an inanimate object. In ways we don’t realize, we give up our trust in God and give our hearts to things we can see, hear, and touch.
These things became our plan B. We ask them to give us what only God can give. We wanted to create something that would give us meaning and purpose, a sense of identity and security. We want houses, cars, careers, experiences, and people to satisfy our hearts. These are very real in the play.
Disturbingly, the idols we worship in the Middle age are often revealed to be incapable of delivering on their promises. Think about it: the golden calf that the Israelites worshipped ended up being a disappointment. The same goes for anything created, they can never fill the void in our hearts. We become sad, angry, and frustrated when something we have always trusted, such as our body, career, family, etc., fails us.
It is important for us to recognize that the struggles of midlife are windows into deeper, more fundamental struggles. The most basic form of a midlife crisis is actually not a crisis of something, but a crisis of the heart.
Tripp believes that many people are in what they call a midlife crisis because they don’t know the source of their identity. They grieve not just because they’re getting old, or will never achieve their dreams, or for some other reason to regret, but because they identify with experiences, relationships, or successes.
“The more advice I give to those who lose their way in midlife, the more I become convinced that the question of identity is not only one of the most important themes in biblical storytelling, but an essential part of a midlife crisis,” says Tripp. We’ve been seduced by false identities that will always fail us. We think we know who we are, but suddenly it’s not. At this moment, we’re a lot like Adam, Eve, or wandering Israelites” .
Stop being seduced by false identities
Once we see our accomplishments as an identity, we become slaves to a constant stream of potential success. This means that our purpose in life comes from our talents and efforts, so we cannot say no or slow down. If it takes away our ability to work on our next success, we feel frustrated and annoyed. Fang Yuan is frustrated because the job of defining his worth has been taken away from him.
If we use children to define our identity like Song Qian, the children’s future success and rewards to their parents will become the driving force behind our lives. We live indirectly through our children as if their success is our success. When we need our children’s success to feel good about ourselves, we do everything we can to support their success. We tell ourselves it’s for them, but really, it’s for us. It is this layer that the Chinese are least willing to reveal.
We become suffocating, bossy, success-obsessed parents, but we turn a blind eye to it because we can always say it’s for the best of our kids. Finally came the day when our kids started leaving home for school, and work and we became overwhelmed. It is a loss of identity as if we are losing our reason for being alive.
We know identities shape our thinking, choices, and behaviors, but we have a hard time getting them right. This question is an important part of the midlife crisis. Here’s the point: When our definitions of who we are are derived from horizontal factors such as family, work, marriage, children, possessions, appearance, success, and position, we run into confusion and trouble. Because essentially man should define himself from the vertical relationship with the Creator.
Such was the case with David, king of Israel. All the efforts in the first half of his life were exchanged for the status of a prominent king. It is difficult for David not to focus his status on the crown. When the years of struggle came to an end and life entered the intermission, he wandered boredly on the platform of the palace and peeped at a beautiful woman taking a bath. He committed fornication, married another man’s wife, and arranged for the man’s murder. God did not let him continue to be lost, but let him see his own corruption in a crisis, and his status as a king could not save him. God rescued David from self-pride and lust so that he could stand up amidst disappointment, weakness, delusion, and temptation.
When David focused his identity on God above the sun, he was able to overcome difficult circumstances, even the betrayal of his own son. The third Psalm was written by David when he was fleeing from his son Absalom. When he faced a crisis in his life, he didn’t question whether it was worth all these years of obeying God. All David did was put himself in the hands of the Father again. He reminded himself that he was a child of God, “The Lord is my shield around me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.”
What we know about who we are can powerfully shape our responses to crises. Many people experience insomnia from middle age. David had every reason to go through nights of sadness and uneasiness. But again, he surprises us by not being an angry insomniac because he hasn’t lost his source of personal security, stability, and joy—the God who defines his identity. “When I lie down and sleep, and when I wake up, the LORD protects me. I am not afraid even if tens of thousands of people come around and attack me.”
David’s sense of security did not come from his status or property, but from his relationship with God. For God was his fountain of rest, and he could sleep in the wilderness as peacefully as in the palace. Even in moments of great grief, he can lie down and rest. David’s experience shows us that what people encounter in middle age is not that God wants you to go nowhere, but the pain of transformation necessary to welcome you into a new and better life. When we focus the meaning and value of our lives on God, our crisis will become a turning point.
Dr. Warren W. Wiersbe wrote: “Middle age? It’s just another stage in the abundant life that a loving Heavenly Father has in store for us. I want to keep growing… There is no growth without challenges, There is no challenge without change. When I was young, change was a joy; now, it often becomes a threat. But I need change—to experience more deeply, to hold firmly to that unshakable country.”
“God loves reluctant leaders”, no leader volunteers to stand before God, because reluctant leaders are not easily tempted by power, pride, and ambition. They know the truth about leadership, they must sacrifice themselves, they must be broken, so if it is for their own comfort, they resolutely refuse.
A friend has participated in a training on successful learning. In one class, one person sits in the middle, and other students form a circle, criticizing a certain point of view or practice of the middleman with various negative words such as belittling, scolding, and ridiculing. It is said that this can exercise people’s “psychological endurance”. Others let practitioners go to the streets to beg, and then send the money from begging to nursing homes.
Many of the most popular books in the market are about how to be successful and how to manage. Open it and look at it, remove the superficial layer of fashionable new terms, and some hidden values are as decadent as Qin Shihuang’s policy program. Those who believe that “a man should be cruel to himself” and endure the unbearable in order to succeed are just modern copies of Han Fei, Li Si, Qin Shihuang, and others who believe that human nature is evil and fanatically pursue success. The most explicit expression is Ma Yun’s sentence: When you are successful, everything you say is the truth.
From the perspective of psychoanalysis, a psychologist believes that there is often a kind of “inferiority” hidden behind such a strong motivation for success in Legalism. They are very confident on the surface, but in fact, this kind of self-confidence is just a compensatory psychology caused by their distrust of others. These people are not lacking in ability, but from a mental health point of view, they are often the most unhealthy people. The methods they use to manage the team are nothing more than the old three of “law, art, and power”-the law of rewards and punishments, the art of deception, and status and power.
Is this the truth about Chinese management and leadership?
In recent years, some high-end training often talks about Jewish wisdom. In history, there was a great Jewish leader—Moses. His life as a leader is exactly in contrast to many phenomena in Chinese culture.
Be a leader as a “nurturing father”
The “Bible’s Old Testament” records another ancient nation in the east – the outstanding leader among the Israelites, and Moses is one of the most respected. He received the mission from God to lead the men, women, and children of the entire Jewish nation to escape from Egypt, make a strategic shift, and enter the land of Canaan.
The “Bible” does not beautify the various unbearable behaviors of the compatriots he led. Whenever they encountered a little difficulty, they wanted to run back to Egypt and continue to be slaves. They ate Egyptian meat pots, cucumbers, and leeks, which tasted similar to Chinese people. And he was able to lead such a large group of “unscrupulous” subordinates, endure their complaints, forgives their offenses, and pray for God’s grace and mercy for them, not just a day or two, but forty years!
In the end, because they were irritated by their disappointment, they were forbidden by God to enter Canaan, which was close at hand.
According to the records of the Old Testament, Moses’ life was divided into three stages: the first forty years because he was adopted by the princess of the Egyptian Pharaoh and became the prince of Egypt; years as a shepherd; the last forty years as a leader leading the Israelites out of Egypt.
But behind Moses’ halo, we hear him complaining to God about his own suffering as a leader: “Why did you treat your servant so hard, why didn’t I find favor in your eyes, and put this burden of government over my people on me? Was these people my womb, was it my birth? You said to me, ‘Take them up in your arms like a foster father with a suckling child until you have sworn to give them go to the land of our ancestors’… The responsibility of managing this person is too heavy for me to bear alone. If you treat me like this, if I find favor in your eyes, please kill me immediately, and don’t let me see my own misery .”
The prayer in which Moses poured out his heart to God under extreme pressure revealed a detail, that is, God required Moses as a leader to be responsible for the lives of the led like a father, “like a nurturing father”. It can be seen that an important characteristic of a leader is to be like a mature father.
I often think, if the leaders of all major units are people who have really raised children, have seen how difficult life growth is, and as long as they work hard, they will really see the results. Wouldn’t it be possible to avoid many mistakes of eagerness for quick success and instant benefit, harsh criticism, and suppression? Woolen cloth?
But who was Moses’ father? The literature of the Israelites records only that he was a Levite named “Amram”. Because of the experience of being abandoned, his family life is incomplete and deformed. Although his biological mother was taken to the palace by the princess who adopted him to be his wet nurse, his father figure is undoubtedly missing. This negative influence is a big challenge for him to become a leader in the future.
During his forty years as a prince, Moses “learned all the knowledge of the Egyptians, and was able to speak and act.” He is also full of self-confidence, feeling that “I can” in everything, and sometimes it is obviously his own blood, and he thinks that he is doing justice for the sky and resisting the persecution of Pharaoh.
Moses originally thought that with his status and ability, if he called out from the heights, there would be crowds of people responding. But his assumption was completely wrong. When he went to mediate the disputes among his compatriots, they questioned his qualifications, “Who made you our leader and judge?” An Egyptian’s “criminal record”.
The absence of his father made him unaware that the authority of a leader, just like his father’s authority at home, needs to be established with long-term love. Propaganda, corporate culture, and promulgation of laws and regulations will not play any essential role. Before Moses established the prestige of leadership, he took it for granted that he could lead and exercise leadership by gift and blood, which naturally caused a backlash and failure was inevitable.
To be a leader is to realize your own incompetence There is a Weibo joke on Xinhuanet: Recently, the abilities of some leaders in various places have been greatly improved: some can hold umbrellas by themselves, some can open doors by themselves, some can carry bags by themselves, some can hold water glasses by themselves, some I actually wrote the speech myself… In fact, the people’s expectations for leaders are not very high, as long as they can take care of themselves basically!
Comparing the so-called leadership in the above situation, it is not difficult to understand why God valued Moses. Although Moses’ method of seeing injustice was inappropriate, his motivation was what God valued: He saw the responsibility that he could do in the needs and mistakes of others. This is the most important quality of a leader – willingness to take responsibility and willingness to give. He never lost his sense of responsibility and courage, even when he fled to Midian and saw the seven daughters of the local priest being bullied, he still stood up to help.
Moses was exiled to Midian and made a living by herding sheep. In the second forty years of his life, God spent time and space in the wilderness to hone this self-righteous prince until he realized his own impotence-“Who am I to go to Pharaoh and destroy Israel? brought it out of Egypt?”
In order for Moses to lead others, he had to suffer through his own lack of leadership skills. He first had to deal with his own feelings of powerlessness and unwantedness, doubts that the Israelites would listen to him, and pained by his clumsy tongue. But Moses’ self-doubt did not prevent God from giving him the task of leadership. We have found a very thought-provoking phenomenon in the history of the Jews, that is, God only chooses those who are unwilling to be leaders.
American scholar Allen De came to a wise conclusion in the book “The Faltering Leader”, “God likes reluctant leaders”. No leader volunteers to stand before God because reluctant leaders are not easily affected by The allure of power, pride, and ambition. They know the truth about leadership, they must deny themselves, and they must be broken. Therefore, if it is for their own comfort, they resolutely refuse. They don’t aspire to be bigger, better, and more, and they don’t think it’s okay to “make it happen” and ask others to bleed for their ideals.
Aiming at Moses’ impulsive and fleshly weaknesses exposed when he was young, God let him work with sheep every day, grinding him bit by bit. As for the practice of family life, I think it also helped him a lot. Perhaps he discovered that the first person to challenge his authority as a leader and test his forbearance was none other than his wife and children. If he could not lead them well, How could he lead millions of Israelites?
This was very important to Moses. On the surface, he won a marriage for himself because he saved the daughter of the priest of Midian. In fact, this family saved him, especially the father-in-law a father who provided him with the same-sex affirmation and acceptance that are necessary for the growth of a man. Moses learned to be a husband, a father, and a shepherd during this time. Later, his father-in-law also became his management consultant when he was the leader, and gave him suggestions on building a team through authorization and avoiding authoritarianism. There is a mature father figure to assist, which helps Moses avoid many detours.
Interestingly, Confucius and Mencius, the founders of Confucianism who had the greatest impact on Chinese culture, lost their father at the age of three, while Mencius lost his father at the age of two. They also lacked a father’s role model in their growth experience.
Scholar Zhu Jianjun wrote in “China’s Human Heart and Culture” that his father’s early death prevented Confucius from having the opportunity to understand that a real father always has both advantages and disadvantages. The father in fantasy can be perfect, and Confucius often dreamed of the Duke of Zhou. In the mind of the son, this father can almost be a god. Confucius then had the same fantasy about the king, hoping and believing that the king would love his subjects like a kind father loves his children.
But the best fathers are not gods, and the best leaders are also people who make mistakes. This seems to be common sense, but it is not easy for someone who grew up in a family without a father figure to understand. The disadvantage of the result is that the Confucian culture lacks an effective restraint mechanism for the possible problems of the king. Too idealistic about the “monarch father”, with too much expectation and too little precaution, causing the people of the country to be injured repeatedly. To whom does the leader’s psychological garbage go?
In the third forty years of his life, Moses realized that no matter whether he thought he was a thorn or dross or was despised by the world or rejected by his fellow countrymen, as long as he was willing, God would add His own power to him who was weak. He knew he was relying on God, who made him a leader.
Jack Welch, the former CEO of General Electric Company in the United States, had a classic summary of what a leader is. In his view, a leader should have a vision and make the team share his vision, be full of energy and infect the passion of the whole team, and should dare to try challenging tasks and make difficult but meaningful decisions. This definition is like it was made for Moses, except that Moses’ vision came from God. Therefore, when the Israelites fought against their enemies, Moses did not choose to take the lead but went up the mountain to call on God for the people. He correctly maintained the relationship with God, and he knew that only the power of God could help the people to win, instead of being brave and rushing into the fighting team to win the applause of the crowd for a while.
Some economists believe that there is a transactional relationship between leaders and the masses. People ceded control to their leaders and expected rewards from their leaders: when danger and persecution came, they expected the leader to be the one who could take the risk for everyone. Once they doubted their rewards, the leader would not be popular.
Therefore, whenever there is discomfort, people will resent and rebel. Moses even encountered the jealousy and slander of his relatives and assistants Aaron and Miriam, as well as the rebellion of Korah’s party. His handling was “exceedingly humble, more than any man in the world.”
By constantly turning to God, Moses poured out his inner negative feelings to God, not being infected by it, and even collapsed before God, and then returned to the people. It wasn’t that Moses was strong psychologically, but that his relationship with God enabled him to go before God at any time to unload his burden and regain his strength. Think about Jobs, he regarded the employees of the Apple empire as his “subjects”, vented his dissatisfaction at will, and spoke harshly. It is hard to expect such a man to be competent for the role of father, so I saw media reports that he could not accept himself before his death His own daughter is not surprising.
In addition, Moses was able to handle his aggressive personality well. In fact, everyone has a more or less aggressive character in their hearts. Whether a man can become a mature man or become a yes answerer often depends on whether he can handle an aggressive personality well. This kind of aggressiveness was manifested in his killing when he was young, and although he was gentle and humble afterward, he still sometimes had a violent temper.
He broke the tablets of the law, wrestled and accused God when he was talking to God, and never gave up easily. Aggression also helps him persevere in reaching his goals without giving up. Moses often climbed the mountain alone and retreated on the mountain. These exercises helped him deal with and properly use his aggressive personality and became a source of strength for God. If Moses tried to defuse his aggressiveness by constantly finding new enemies or launching new movements for the group he led, it would undoubtedly lead to disaster for the Jewish nation.
Although Moses was reused, mistakes were inevitable. He was stirred up at Kadesh by the people asking for water, and he did not sanctify God and suffered loss himself. He accepts his dark side flares up. Only those who allow themselves to make mistakes will allow others to make mistakes, truly accept others, and lead a good team. Moses paid the price of not being able to enter the Promised Land, but he never complained about why God was so strict with him. There are powerful enemies or persecutions outside, which will never be an excuse for a godly leader to let go of his own sins. Because he is the leader, a little pride in the leader will encourage the whole country to flatter.
Moses was not born to be a leader. His first attempt at leadership failed miserably and he was forced into exile for forty years, which shadowed his leadership nightmare. The good thing is that God never uses a great man, but a man who preaches a great God. In the process of co-working with God, his character was re-established, showing excellent leadership qualities and leadership skills.
The “Bible” truly records the strengths, weaknesses, and mistakes of every great figure in the history of Israel. It can be said that it is a book that records the truth about leaders. In some whitewashed cultures, the truth of the leader is the most hidden part, and people are deceived and deceived. Maybe people don’t like it, so when more than 2,000 employees from different companies were asked to list the leadership qualities they valued most, integrity and honesty ranked first, followed by competence.
Companies in the world are still like this, and faith groups should introspect themselves.
