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I often feel that the world is full of people looking out the window.

They all had a common look on their faces, empty and disappointed. Like a tired mask. When I look out the window, I seem to be indifferent to everything I see, and I am indifferent to what I see. Any streetscape is like a frivolous cloud, drifting in and out, without attracting the slightest attention from them. In their blank eyes, what they see is emptiness, and what they can’t see is trembling—a tremor that we forcibly suppress within each of us. One issue of the Times magazine published its famous cover story, “The Death of God,” which mentioned that God was not a problem and was not in danger. Prayer is the center of death, and the problem is the death of prayer. It seems that although modern people are busy pursuing spiritual things, praying to God, worshiping Buddha, burning incense, and making wishes, many of them are only attracted by the divine phantom. Some people reach out and cry out for a great desire in their hearts, but more often they are cynical atheists. We are no longer simply reaching out and praying for divine contact. So God did not die, but people no longer sought God. Yet, the tremors are still there and always will be. That’s why there is so much sorrow and helplessness in the world. But if we seek it earnestly with trembling, it is not that there is no way to ask for help. Martin Buber once said, “All men can come to God, but every man has a different entrance. Our greatest opportunity lies in our differences. God’s fullness is manifested in the infinite possible ways to reach Him. Each of these methods is open to a certain person. For years, I sought with a desire, not knowing that God was leading me to Him through my different needs—identity, family, or belonging.

It was through these nostalgias and longings in love that I finally realized that there was a longing within me, a desire for something greater than me, or a power to satisfy me. It’s the hunger and deep needs of a family, friends, and oneself that can’t be satisfied. It was with that sense of powerlessness that I began to lift my eyes to God. So I experienced that believing in God makes it hard to stay at the level of knowledge. All the answers to life come with a certain passion that touches our deep depths.

Paradoxically, while we yearn for Him in every bone of our body, longing is sometimes the greatest obstacle to drawing closer to God. We are afraid that we will create a god out of our desires, as Voltaire said, “If God does not exist, we must create Him.” But many facts prove that when falsehood arises, we have to abandon it after temporary gratification. Then, we have to face the anguish of the next pursuit. Sooner or later, we will find that what we desire is not a subjective experience that we can have in our existing plane. So C. S. Lewis said, “Longing itself is proof of God’s existence. Therefore, it is painful for intellectuals to pursue God with arguments. Since longing exists in the heart, how can it be solved with the mind? That’s a kind of heart-to-heart questioning. A prompt, a wake-up, sometimes tight and sometimes loose. But it is a real force, not vague, not seeming, but a kind of insistent truth, insisting that you face and listen. Then seek. But knowing the Lord is such a humble experience. It is like walking through a dark and secluded path, without romance and beauty, only to see your soul painful and rotten. At that moment, for the first time, I wanted to escape the pain of my soul, and I wanted to do something sharply and urgently, and it was a heart-piercing pain. At the same time, it is mixed with joy, like first love, and the heart is full of infinite joy. It is also the first mourning, a deep feeling of what a spirit of sorrow and contrite is. Originally, my knowledge of sin was always on the outside. I feel that all battles are fought in the universe of the outside world. It is the people who bear the people, and the people who bear me.

After knowing God, I realized that the greatest battle between good and evil in the world is still in the heart of man, in the depths of my heart. But this discovery made my heaven and earth tilt suddenly. All at once pushed me out into the sea from the shores I had been familiar with. And all my struggles in the sea can not be swept aside by intellect and reason. It was a reversal of life, an inner crisis, and I had to think deeply inside me that I had never faced before. also met his abyss naked for the first time, without concealment or escape. This struggle with self was the first time in my life, but it was by no means the last time on the path of faith. Of course, there will be uneasiness, because it will have to be cut off from all the familiar emotions of the past. Resolutely, unties the cable and releases the boat, enters the unknown sea, and does not know when he will be able to land again. But there is an honesty in the face of one’s sin. To face oneself without running away from it is also necessary to have a kind of illumination. The important thing is that at a certain point in the struggle, a critical point will suddenly be crossed, and in an instant, all resistance and doubts will turn into peace and obedience. In a flash, the light boat has passed the ten thousand mountains.

Looking back on myself, although I was born into a Catholic family, I have a little concept of God and a little foundation in Bible stories, but I have never actively sought to know the Lord of the universe. Unconsciously, faith was lost in my life. But faith is not the same thing, which can be lost, like losing a key or a purse. To lose the true meaning of faith is to stop using faith to shape one’s life. Wandering around, without roots and bottoms, I live like a homeless child living at home, and I don’t know my father, Heavenly Father. Eventually, I became an “outsider” of the faith, living in despair and loss. But it is clear that God has not given up on me, and He has set up clues for me to search all the way home if I change my mind one day.

I remember the day after I was baptized and the day after I “went home,” a classmate called me and asked me how I felt. Once, he and I took the same position and criticized the thriving effect of this overseas Bible study school, all because of nostalgia and recognition, so a bunch of people got together to keep warm.

At that time, I didn’t understand that I only had a “human” perspective and a narrow and shallow view of spiritual things. He must have wondered, how did I “brainwash” all at once? What I said and did was like those Christians, and I was here for real? At the time, all I could say on the phone was, “Good, I feel good now!” The words were abhorrent to the point of abhorrence. But how can I explain that the new mood is really like the spring rain and the new green, the world that I look out of my eyes is full of halos, even if the place where I live is still lonely, and the people I care about have no other arms. The external situation has not improved in the slightest, but there is a constant stream of joy flowing out of the world. How do I explain that the boundless sense of loss has disappeared in an instant, and the view of life has changed from gloomy to hopeful and that after a day, a month, a year, and another year, it will still be deeply moving? How can I explain that my belief in the Lord is not because of fear of death, but because of anxiety about life? There are two paths in front of my eyes, one that seems difficult and impossible, but gives me the strength to live.

The other is easy to look at, with no need to change, but there is hopelessness and helplessness. Is it necessary to choose the most important and avoid the light? These are all superficial when placed in words, but after being reflected in life with time, they show the weight of perseverance like a mountain and a long stream of water. The transformation of life cannot be done in two or three sentences! However, life has been completely turned upside down. * Not long after I came to faith, I was faced with the question of my future. Work, identity, and where to go? is a problems that all overseas travelers face, but every time they face it is fragile. Some people can’t find a job, so they have to go on with one degree after another, master’s degree, doctorate, or post-doctorate. Some people can live in a lonely small city that is out of the dust, and they can’t turn over for a few years. Coupled with the single status, the world is so big, and it seems that there is nowhere to live. Now, however, I find that feeling of panic gone. I learned to give and pray.

So on the one hand, I actively threw away my autobiography and looked for a job, and on the other hand, I felt that if I couldn’t find it, I would do well if I stayed at Purdue University in the Midwest of the United States. It is a sense of certainty and steadfastness about the unknown life. It wasn’t long before I heard back from Hughes Aircraft in California who asked me for an interview. In the midst of this, I learned to pray and throw stones to ask for directions. Sure enough, it didn’t take long to get the offer. However I didn’t expect to apply for status for work, and when I pulled out my diplomatic status documents for eight years in the U.S. State Department, I was surprised to find that my status had already expired. Suddenly, I became an illegal immigrant! The mistake was entirely because when my parents left, they were young, they didn’t care about anything, and they didn’t have any idea about identity documents, so they were delayed.

This is a major matter of survival in the United States! At that time, I had everything packed and ready for work, and my apartment was surrounded by walls. I sat in a pile of cardboard boxes and thought about my way out. It’s strange, obviously like a refugee, but the bottom of my heart is very calm. I know that there are thousands, tens of thousands of illegal immigrants in the United States, and they still breathe the American air, work and live as ordinary people. There are still roads, but the question is how do I go by myself? When I consulted with a Bible study counselor at the time, he mentioned that since he was a Christian, “illegality” was never a good testimony. Therefore, it is best to follow the legal route to see how to change from illegal to legal. Yes, so I contacted Hughes to see if there was anyway. The company replied that it would ask a lawyer. Alas, people are superficial, who is the company that has to pay the price, to fight for to stay? During the waiting period, the future is uncertain, but the fire of the first letter held me up, and there has always been a kind of peace in my heart. In between, a friend committed suicide and was hospitalized. Thinking that his belief in the Lord was also because of his love, he volunteered to go to the hospital to take care of her and explain his faith to her, hoping to pull her out of emotional confusion. Every day, I go out early and return late, almost forgetting that I still have unresolved matters. One day, when Fang returned home, an immigration officer came to the door. Take out a notice of deportation. This is very fatal for illegal immigrants. At that time, I was unusually calm, thinking to myself, that I had just passed through a ghost gate life and death struggle, and nothing in this world could scare me anymore.

But strangely, the six-foot-tall, blonde-haired, white-dressed immigration officer was so kind that he offered to tell me, “Don’t be afraid, you have a lot to do. For example, Hughes can help you get it back. Then he got in touch with Hughes’s lawyer on the phone, and the two of them were very pleasant. After hanging up the phone, he stressed that most people have a misconception of immigration officers, thinking that they are all cross-eyed and will carry illegal immigrants by the collar and rudely throw them out of the country. But in fact, they are very polite and have a process for doing things, so don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid. This sounded familiar, and then I remembered that it was in the Bible that an angel appeared to Mary. An immigration officer who deported me behaved like an angel? It’s grace, I know. So leaving the country is inevitable.

The world is so big, where can I go? After some thought, I chose to go back to Taiwan. After going abroad for eight years, I didn’t know that I was a guest in my dreams. I often dream that I am in Taiwan, but when I wake up, I find that I am still in a foreign land, which is very sad. Can a dream that cannot be fulfilled in eight years take shape under such circumstances? I know that this is also the fulfillment of God. However, many well-meaning friends advised me to think twice, and if I said it, I might not be able to come back, especially in Taiwan.

Is it that you can’t come back? Is it important? For a Christian, as long as he has a Bible, where can he stay in the north and south of the country? With God’s presence? Why should I be afraid? Finally, on the day of my departure, I got on a small plane that took off from Pudu, and looked out of the small window at the land that I had lived in for three years, and little by little, it became distant. All the joys, sorrows, loves, hatreds, and hatreds that have happened in them are now far away. All the shackles and shackles are also freed. I am now a bird, and my world is a wider sky. Sighing and shifting my eyes, I looked at the sun high above the clouds, and my heart was full of infinite longing.