Testimony…

The sudden coronavirus epidemic interrupted Peng Yinhua and his wife’s planned wedding, and the undistributed invitations were still in the drawer. As a respiratory physician at the First People’s Hospital of Jiangxia District in Wuhan, when the epidemic came, Peng Yinhua had the responsibility to go to the front line of the war against the “epidemic”. Chinese New Year’s Eve two people stood two or three hundred meters apart, facing each other, and talked on a phone. People have no way of knowing what they’re saying.

The next day, Peng Yinhua was infected and never had the opportunity to stand in the postponed wedding and be the one who kissed the bride. Less than a month later, the plague snatched the 29-year-old groom-to-be from his lover.

Also taken away by the virus was Wu Shilei. He and his wife Xia Sisi are both doctors and have been together for 11 years. “From the time she was hospitalized until she left, she hid it from her children. But now, I don’t know what to tell my child that I lost his mother. On February 23, Xia Sisi’s death made this big man cry.

An epidemic has made many people feel that love is stronger than death, that the water cannot be extinguished, and the water cannot be submerged. After the pandemic, we need to love each other. However, for others, being forced to be imprisoned at home with their families and looking at each other 24 hours a day also magnifies the contradictions that have never appeared before, and love is not easier because of the epidemic, but more difficult. Some people say: As soon as the epidemic passes, we will go to divorce. Being imprisoned at home, looking at each other and not pleasing each other’s eyes, and unable to love each other, has become a stronger cage for us, as if we can imprison people for a lifetime.

Those who were left

Looking back at December 2019, the movie “The Man Taken by the Light” released on the last quiet days of the year, it seems to have a special feeling. Coincidentally, this film happened to be filmed in Yichang, Hubei Province. Director and screenwriter Dong Runian presuppose an extreme situation similar to the plague in the film: a magical white light suddenly descends, and people in love mysteriously disappear in pairs. Under the sci-fi shell, the camera focuses on those left by the light.

White light seems to be the judge who understands the true meaning of love, dividing people in two according to secret standards. When the pair of “Liang Shanbo” and “Zhu Yingtai” who were summoned by the white light disappeared, how should these people on the earth who were abandoned by love live? The plague is a bit like that white light, enclosing us in a small space, forcing us to ask ourselves whether the person who once swore with us, shared a bed, and met with the white head is still true love.

The film chooses several different sets of protagonists to express different love dilemmas. Liu Jiayi, a rich woman, secretly took the household registration book and planned to get married to her boyfriend. Due to the opposition of their parents, their love suffered setbacks, and the appearance of white light made Liu Jiayi doubt love. Faced with Liu Jiayi’s suspicions, her boyfriend jumped down from the stairs – is it, not true love to die for her beloved? Is this desire to desperately possess the other person’s love? “In order to possess you, I will not hesitate to die”. If you can’t get it, you don’t hesitate to destroy your girlfriend by rape, and then destroy yourself.

Whether there is love between them or not, it is certain that they have passion. Many couples who have been married for many years have even exhausted this passion. Wu Wenwen, played by Huang Bo, and Zhang Yan, played by Tan Zhuo, are a middle-aged couple with a daughter who is in middle school, a family of three, firewood, rice, oil, and salt, just like the neighbors we met walking in the community. The seemingly harmonious husband and wife relationship has cracked with the appearance of white light, or in other words, cracks have long existed, and white light makes it invisible.

Wu Wen’s mother gave a verdict on behalf of Bai Guang: “She doesn’t love you anymore, you don’t love her anymore, you don’t love her anymore.” There are only a few possibilities. Although Wu Wen has always tried to deny it, his heart gradually doubts and wavers about the love between the two. As an excellent teacher, Wu Wenwen has never crossed the thunder pond in the face of the emotional offensive of female colleagues, and their relationship is simply exemplary compared to many bloody couples who eventually break up unhappily.

But on the other hand, two people under the same roof have long lost their passion, and even the bed scene of the husband and wife at the beginning of the film is halfway through the discussion of martial arts title evaluation. It’s a scene like Eliot’s poem, “Thank goodness, this is finally over.” In addition to the evaluation of professional titles, the husband and wife seem to have no intersection, and love is like being in the “wasteland”.

Under the illumination of white light, this bland and tasteless husband and wife relationship can hardly be called “love”. Therefore, Wuwen used “family affection” as a cover in front of his daughter, and created the illusion that love was still there in front of colleagues and friends. Conversely, it is scarcity that camouflage is needed. The cruel years left the couple with only trivial matters, except for the children’s tuition and grades, washing pots and dishes, and living expenses, the two can no longer think of other common topics.

Where is love?

When Wu Wenwen discovered the ambiguous text messages between his wife and his daughter’s classmate Zhao Feng, perhaps on the one hand filled his chest with anger, on the other hand, he breathed a sigh of relief, it turned out that the fault was not me, and his wife was responsible for the loveless marriage. Perhaps the wife is not responsible, the crux of the marriage problem lies with the third party, driving him away, and their marriage will be completely new. Therefore, Wu Wen found Zhao Feng and swore that if Zhao Feng had not appeared, there would be no rift in the relationship between him and his wife. Unexpectedly, Zhao Feng asked: “Why do you think that the problem between the two of you is me, why don’t you face the reality – you just don’t love each other?”

Zhao Feng saw through the hypocrisy of martial arts at a glance, “I used to be as hypocritical as you, and I always felt that if I admit that there is no love, the husband and wife can’t face each other… It wasn’t until this light appeared that I suddenly realized that this light was the final judgment that warned us not to lie again. It tears off the pretense of all of us, everyone is equal and everyone is real. ”

For those who believe that love is the foundation of marriage, it is difficult to admit that there is no love between husband and wife, which means that the legitimacy of the existence of marriage has been fundamentally shaken. For many people, two seem to be difficult to have both fish and bear’s paw, and it seems that to maintain a marriage it is necessary to say goodbye to love, and to find love it is necessary to endure the breakdown of marriage. Wu Wenwen received a confession text message from a female colleague at this time, marriage or love?

The way Zhao Feng and his wife face a loveless marriage is to neither save the marriage nor save love. Since the camouflage has been torn, then the jar is broken and broken, and it falls to the end. Under the empty shell of a marriage, they openly lived a life of sexual promiscuity. Wu Wen was persuaded by Zhao Feng to admit the fact that there was no love between himself and his wife, but he still looked forward to love, so he accepted the confession of his female colleague, intending to rediscover the passion of love outside of marriage.

However, is true love outside of marriage? This question was answered by the director through Li Nan, played by Wang Luodan. When the white light occurred, Li Nan was waiting outside the Civil Affairs Bureau to go through the divorce procedures with her husband, but her husband disappeared. It is neither herself nor the mistress who cheated on her husband and disappeared with her husband. In this way, by mistake, Li Nan began to track down the truth of her husband’s disappearance with Xiaomian to know who his true love was.

In the pursuit, the women who have emotional entanglements with their husband appear one by one, allowing her to discover the harsh reality of love. When he first got married, his husband felt that he had found the other half of his dreams, and he loved Li Nan’s independence. However, time passed, and Li Nan’s independence gradually became a lack of interest in her husband’s eyes, and love slowly disappeared. He began to look for love outside of marriage. He fell in love with the enthusiasm of the mistress, but he couldn’t stand the entanglement of the other party… The husband began to look for love from relationship to relationship, but love was always elusive and came and went in a hurry. Finding love by constantly changing people is like drinking to quench your thirst. In the end, Li Nan’s husband did not disappear with any lover but died unexpectedly in a car accident. Until his death, the husband could not find true love in anyone.

Save yourself before you save the love

When Li Nan learned that her husband was looking for love from a woman, she felt very relieved, it turned out that the problem was not in herself or in the mistress, but that her husband “loves everyone, and no one loves.” In other words, the reason why love disappears is not so much that the other person is no longer cute, but that he is incapable of love.

Wu Wen and his female colleagues opened a house and began a journey to find love outside of marriage. What he will face in the future may be the same as Li Nan’s husband. But the director reserved a little reflective ability for martial arts. While waiting for his female colleague in his hotel room, Wu Wen was anxious and struggling, and at one point wanted to escape. When he finally invites his female colleague into the room, he realizes that it is futile to find salvation outside of marriage, because the crux of everything is not in others, the root of the problem is himself.

Clearing his wife’s affair partner will not save his marriage; looking for another relationship will not save his love, all he needs is to start with himself. The white light that broke into the couple’s life forced his marriage into a corner, and he could not continue to pretend that everything was business as usual. Just like the plague at the turn of winter and spring, it can have the same effect on your and my lives.
                     

“Subconsciously, I want to say that the responsibility for me and my wife not being taken away by the light is not mine. I asked you out to get revenge or for some other reason, but I was thinking about myself. I’m a hypocrite. Wu Wenwen said, “I quarreled with Zhang Yan before, and I hated her.” Even thinking about the brain slipped away, thinking that she encountered some bad pictures… Actually, over the years, I know you like me. Often when I face you, I even think of some dishonorable things. After slowly realizing it, I will take my thoughts back. When I was younger, I had more dirty thoughts, and at that time I would secretly feel inferior, and I would worry that others would detect my thoughts and look down on me. Later, I slowly began to forgive myself and explain all this in terms of ego, id, and superego. ”

After listening to the self-analysis of martial arts, the female colleague agreed, “We are all too confident, we feel that others are hell, what about ourselves?” and “We are no longer in love”, which are the reasons that many couples give themselves. The deeper reality observed by Wuwen is that “we are no longer in love because my brain often slips around because my thoughts are full of dirt.” The bigger truth is that “I am a selfish sinner.” How to redeem a loveless marriage? Like Zhao Feng, husband, and wife fall into sexual depravity together. Like Li Nan’s lover, chase ideal love everywhere outside marriage? The film points to the third way through martial literature: dealing with one’s own problems in marriage.

Wu Wen not only reflected on what he did but more importantly, on what kind of person he was. This brief self-reflection may not be unfamiliar to us. When arguing with our lover, we may also experience the dryness of love in ourselves, and sometimes solve our marital difficulties through fantasies about others. In either case, according to martial arts, the root is that “I am thinking about myself.” “The people left in the camera who are left with light are essentially loving themselves more, despite the different cloaks they wear.

Stop loving people like fish

Contemporary Jewish Rabbi A. Abraham J. Twerski has a wise talk about love.

“The word love has almost lost its original meaning in our culture. A rabbi met a young man who was enjoying a meal of fish and asked, ‘Young man, why are you eating this fish?’ He said, ‘Oh, you love this fish.’ So you scoop it out of the water, kill it and cook it. Don’t tell me you love this fish, it’s not love, you love yourself. You think the fish is delicious and eat it. ’”

In Tversky’s view, most of the world’s so-called love is similar to the love of young people in the story about fish. It means that the man sees in the woman that the other person can meet his physical and emotional needs. At the same time, the other party also thinks that he can feel the so-called ‘love’ from the man. But both parties are just looking for their own needs in each other, not love for each other. The other person becomes a tool to meet their own needs. There are too many so-called ‘loves’ in the world, just the kind of love for fish. Tversky argues that true love “is not about what I get, it’s about what I give.” 

True love must be the experience of selfless pleasure. And most of the couples in the film have lost the ability to get pleasure from sacrificing for each other. Wu Wen’s female colleague said, “We… She continued, “Who can control hell?” Through the mouth of a female colleague, the director may want to express that this love that only cares about himself needs to be saved, but the question is where does salvation come from?

The modern prevalent ethic of self-actualization can destroy marriage. Christian theologian Hou Huoshi said: “This ethic holds that the purpose of marriage and family institutions is primarily to achieve personal fulfillment, to make us whole and happy. This theory assumes that there is a person who is the best fit for us, and if we look carefully, we can find that person. In fact, the point of marriage is… Learn how to care for the stranger you marry. ”

Self-centeredness is the most damaging problem in many marriages, and it is a cancer in marriage. American pastor Timothy Keller believes that there is no way out for today’s culture to preach “self-centered marriage”, and that only when both parties continue to put each other’s happiness before their own can they find their own happiness.

When the Bible refers to marriage, it compares it to a great mystery that symbolizes Jesus’ relationship with humanity. The most important manifestation of the love of husband and wife is a sacrifice for each other, “love is not seeking one’s own good”. The source of this self-serving love is Christ. “Jesus… He sacrificed everything so that we might be united with Him… This practice has completely changed our attitude and way of life. Keller’s advice is straightforward: “What God has done for you in Jesus, you will do for your spouse, and everything else will fall into place.” ”

As in the interactive topic “Love in the Plague Period” before “Realm”, a female doctor once said in the heart: “I have confidence in the epidemic, but I have no confidence in our feelings”. When the white light flashes, when the plague dissipates, may you and I experience self-sacrificing love from the source of love for the rest of our lives and use it to love the people around us.

见证篇180.《被…

生命福音[143]…

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「这就是神在基督里，叫世人与自己和好，不将他们的过犯归到他们身上，并且将这和好的道理托付了我们。」【林后5: 19】

神与人和好的第一个阶段，叫原来远离神的罪人，在基督里得以亲近神并与神和好。神既已将我们的过犯藉主耶稣的宝血洗凈，也是祂代替我们受罪的刑罚，神就没再将过犯要我们还。将这和好的话语放在我们里面，叫我们尽这份职事。

史无前例有过像主那么仁慈的救世主嗎？那充满怜悯、耐心、和慈悲。“神啊，有何神像你赦免罪孽” 祂的怜悯超过我们的想像；伟大的怜悯、丰盛的恩典、仁慈的神就是我主耶稣基督。

神勉励灵魂的呼召和应许都在邀请你。永久的门户向你是开着的，神提供我们丰丰富富的救恩 – 得以进入天国。

人若生活在无知，与主疏远中，这是因为他们沈迷在罪的世界里，不愿寻求神的道。

使徒保罗劝人与神『和好的职分』，乃是根据基督藉十字架使人与神和好的救赎工作。所以真实基督的仆人，必定只作基督所作的工，绝不在基督的工作之外，另作别的工。

耶稣的血是我们亲近神的根据，我们每一次来到神面前，都是靠着主宝血的功效。基督十字架救赎的功效，涵盖了天地万有，信徒若还有狭窄的宗派、地域观念和个人主义，他就还不够认识救恩的丰满。

事奉神的工作，都是环绕在劝人与神和好这一个中心上。缺少了这一原则，所有的工作都不是事奉。

人的思想与行为息息相关：有时是行为影响思想，因恶行以致心里与神为敌；有时是思想影响行为，心里与神为敌，以至行为邪恶。在不属神的世界中，无神论者可以容忍坏人坏事，却目中无神。信徒们是重生归正者，最大的使命是叫世人与自己和好；引人归入神的国，效法基督的榜样，如神与人和好一样。感谢神 ! 奉主蒙恩 ! 阿们 ! 

生命福音[142]…

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“我今日所警教你们的，你们都要放在心上；因为这不是虚空、与你们无关的事，乃是你们的生命” 【申32: 46】。

基督耶稣告诉我们，除非重生归正，否则人的生命无法被拯救。人在属血气的光景中，没有完全彻底的归正，将永远不能进天国。

人心里稳藏的罪。像似修剪罪恶的树枝，若保留腐败的树根，仍然没有用。因已经上瘾的罪。要悔改！要把成群的罪恶都赶走，要把箭射向心里最深的罪！

人心里要坚信，得帮助必是圣灵在自己的行为之外 – – 并非随意祷告、读经、听道、认罪、或改善行为，就能医治自己。

我们接受祂全部的三个位格。将自己交托祂来掌管，我倚靠祂的护理、依赖祂的供应，在祂的管教之下，进入祂的内室，我往祂名下藏身。弃绝自信；要在灵里面倚靠祂。

接受圣灵为我们的成圣者、我们的中保、指导者、安慰者，纠正我们的无知的老师，我们得基业的凭据。“北风啊，兴起！南风啊，吹来！吹在我的园内”【歌4: 16】 “至高者的灵，来啊，这里是你的殿；你要在这里安息到永远；居住在这里。我要属于你，完全属于你；我交给祢我心里的钥匙，好让里面的一切都属于祢。把一切都交给祢，完全为祢自己使用，好让我每一项才干、每一个肢体，都能作祢的工具，为祢行义和遵行我天父的旨意。”

我们必须接受神一切完美的属性。我们厌恶所犯的罪，借祷告打击它们，我们永不让这些罪在心里安居！”弟兄姐妹们，你们一切愿意这样接受基督的人，祂就要作你们的神。”

基督劝我们与神和好，欢迎我们接受祂，与祂同住。倘若我们灭亡，那是因为我们不肯到祂那里去得生命。

我们把自己献给主。将身体献上，当作活祭。主所要的不是人的产物，而是人本身。一个真正接受基督的人会把所有的才能都献给祂。祂值得我们的尊敬、值得我们选择、值得被拥抱、被爱慕、被赞赏，直到永永远远。

我们必须时时刻刻选择基督的律法，不论富有或是遭患难。一直到底；以祂的法度为永远的产业。

我们不要只满意于顺服一般的诫命，免得欺骗自己，要遵守基督详细的命令下顺服神。不可当神的诫命与我们自己的意图有冲突时，人就拒绝顺服。这就是在神的律例上完全的方法，好让我们不致蒙羞。

忽略祷告的人是一个亵渎、未成圣的罪人。神会说：“如果我非有恩典不可，那在我得到之前，我决不放弃。我不会停止迫切地恳求，会与神和我自己的心摔跤，一直到神借祂大能的恩典叫我重生。”

除非人决定拒绝并避免犯罪的引诱，否则人永远离不开罪恶的纏繞。我们要禁食祷告，谦卑自己的心；好让自己的心更深入地醒觉到罪恶的悲惨结局。主今日警醒我们的话，都当放在心上；让归正者得重生的生命。感谢神 ! 奉主蒙恩 ! 阿们 ! 

Testimoni…

There is a lot of darkness and dirt in our hearts that is not easily perceptible. All people are between light and darkness, and although there is still darkness in your heart, that yearning for light is actually the beginning of the light emerging in your life: He who works well in you will fulfill it on the day of Christ Jesus. But this requires a process, which is fraught with struggles.

The key is not speed, but the direction

Sexual crime is essentially intercourse with the wrong object of lust, which can occur on a practical level or in the imagination. The human heart is always using, abusing, and misusing God’s grace and other people, without caring about the purity of others, making otherwise good sex dirty and terrible. The victim feels guilty and ashamed of what others have done to her, and in the midst of all kinds of strange filth, there is unclean pain and unclean pleasure.

“is not an exclusively male issue. We must recognize that women are fully capable of committing the same sins as men. But sometimes men and women have different mentalities. The typical female mindset is usually to find love and relationships. I know many lesbians who have a strong desire for intimacy, and when they find that other women can satisfy them, they gradually erode the relationship. Porn sites may be a problem for many men, but romance novels may be women’s porn sites: only they appeal to romantic lust, not naked lust. The beautiful woman on the cover of the novel is wrapped around the strong arm of a man, loved and protected, which is one of the salvations given by the world.

Marriage does not solve sexual problems. Fear, guilt, and bad memories can all carry into marriage. Even though you no longer sin, guilt still haunts you, you feel like a damaged item with a discounted value. Christ’s redemption will work on all dark places, not just on lust, but on unholy suffering, on lack of intimacy, on anger that is vented through sex.

The darkness we face is wider and deeper than we think, and the battle is longer than we think. We often think of discipleship and counseling as quick-acting remedies for holiness, as if simply studying a verse, remembering justification by faith, and constantly gathering to hear the Word will solve the problem. When things are still the same, we are overwhelmed. Looking at history, you will see that God seems willing to work on His people over generations or even centuries. Because love is patience. When you put this truth personally, God is willing to spend decades working in your and my lives. A disciple is a lifelong learner. This is a battle that will last until the end, and there will be a glorious outcome in the end.

The process of sanctification is very diverse, and some people, like leaping antelopes, get rid of all kinds of filth at once. Maybe your life is more like walking smoothly, developing discipline, and learning step by step. There are also times when you struggle to move, and even sometimes you are crawling and moving forward with your fingernails. Do you know? That’s good too. What really matters is not distance or speed, but direction. Although sometimes you may not even be able to move, at least you are facing in the right direction—you face God and put your faith in God.

When Jesus says “repent,” He wants believers to spend their entire lives repenting. It’s amazing! We usually think of repentance as simple, as doing something wrong and turning back. Martin Luther’s statement is closer to the Bible, writing, “We are not yet what we should be, but we are growing toward it.” The process is not over but is ongoing. This is not the end, but the road. All this has not yet shone in glory, but it is being cleaned. ”  

2. Lust is just the exhaust valve that you drain from other pressures

The battle is wider than we think. Like a multiplex theater with a sign that says this week’s hit movie: a blockbuster of lust, with several plays inside, the battle is actually unfolding in multiple theaters at the same time. In my ministry to those struggling with sexual sin, I have found that they often breakthrough in other theaters, which in turn changes the outcome of their battle against sexual sin.

A 35-year-old single man who began a 20-year erotic struggle with his conversion at the age of 15. He is exposed to pornography and masturbation from time to time, sometimes up and down. I tried everything, including mutual accountability, memorization, prayer, fasting, and even strenuous exercise and cold showers, but I couldn’t get rid of it. He was discouraged, “Am I really a Christian? “Why work so hard?”

As his pastor, I didn’t want to tell him a bunch of things he tried but couldn’t, so I started with the simple question, “Can you make a note?” Write down when and under what circumstances you were tempted, try to find patterns, and if anything else is happening related to sexual crimes. ”

He laughed and said: “I already know the answer, I will only be weak on Friday or Saturday night. Because I had a tantrum with God. Surprised, he continued, “I come home from work every Friday and come back to my apartment alone, most of my single friends are out on dates, my married friends are spending the night with their wives, and I am the only one who is self-pitying.” At nine or ten o’clock in the evening, I would say to myself, ‘You can relax today, after all, God has deceived you.’ Then I fell.”

Many problems are breeding grounds for sexual crimes. This man didn’t just face lust, he had two thoughts, one thought, “I did all the right things, but God didn’t reward my wife, so I blamed Him.” On the other hand, he directed his guilt and accusations at himself: “I still haven’t overcome, if I win, I can get a wife!” God made him see that his life was built on fragility—a completely corrupt mentality that needed to be cleansed of trying to earn God’s reward for his performance.

We spend a lot of time dealing with his self-righteousness and longing for his wife than we do with pornography. Whether at the level of fantasy or behavior, lust is like the exhaust valve of a steam furnace to man. When a person encounters too much stress, failure, and frustration, he wants to find a false refuge and use sex to relieve it. This battle must expand, and “sex” is embedded in your whole life and is related to many other levels of problems. Normal stress in life should be dealt with by faith, not sin.
03. The dirtiest sins are actually the easiest to solve
The battle went deeper than we thought. Facing sexual sin is like playing a video game, you start with the lowest level, the enemy moves slowly, and you fly away in a few strokes. In level 2, enemies will get a little faster. When you reach level 42, enemies are elusive and fast, and you will lose many times. In sexual crimes, the primary enemies are the simplest, like adultery, and fornication, because they are obvious, in order to commit these crimes, you have to tell a lot of lies to hide your eyes, so to some extent they are relatively easy to get rid of.
The intermediate sin may be pornography. Pornography is more difficult to deal with than adultery because it is less detectable, and easy to obtain but harder to detect. Just go online and click the mouse a few times and delete the history. The more advanced ones may be lustful, more imperceptible, you don’t have to do anything, everything happens in the head, leaving no trace. Although you are not messing with others, you are also full of sin. As the battle progresses, there will be more and more imperceptible enemies.

This is true not only for active criminals but also for passive victims. Being in a masochistic relationship is difficult but relatively easy to escape and break. But it’s harder to really deal with the fear the other person throws at you, and it’s even harder to deal with fantasies of despair, hurt, and compensatory lust.

Above lust, there is also a situation: you are not looking for sin, but sin is looking for you. The woman in the advertisement who has almost no clothes comes to you, not you actively looking for her, you are tempted to see more. No one will be punished by the church for this, but this may be a difficult battlefield to solve.

To go up one level is to judge people’s subconscious account of their appearance, just as someOne Likes to Measurers by Wealth or Position. But what you have not about your nature. It is possible to cultivate a pure subconscious, but it takes a lot of prayer, reflection, struggle, repentance, and much wrestling with oneself before one can see the opposite sex as someone who needs to be cared for, cared for, and loved, and others as sisters, brothers, and friends, regardless of their appearance. Our view of sanctification must go deeper, and we must not stop adultery and pornography because we have stopped thinking that the problem is solved. The dirtiest sin that seems to be actually the easiest part to solve.

One of the profound truths about holiness is that, on the one hand, you are moving toward the light, with more love, joy, and faith than before; On the other hand, you are also aware of how deeply you are corrupted. In Calvin’s words, “We have the embers of evil in our hearts that will burn again at any moment.” “The deeper you go into sin, the more you realize that from the deepest sin we are basically the same, whether it is external behavior or imagination in our heads, whether it is lust or a second glance at something you shouldn’t see, or unknowingly judging human character. The deepest sin is not what you did, but why you did it.

04. We are all fighting, but the enemies are different

In the case of the 35-year-old man just mentioned, sexual desire was his true motive for committing the crime, but it was linked to other motives, including “I want to have a wife” and “God owes me a wife.” All idolatry is the replacement of God with something from creation. Man seeks refuge outside God. This is multi-layered idolatry. We may be very different from that man, but we also have the same idolatry.

Idol worship is about something you want and where you flee when life gets hard. Sexual crimes have many particular motives, and in addition to sexual desire, people sometimes commit this crime because they desire intimacy and to be loved. Many girls with a very messy sex life, the appearance is not outstanding, when the boys say to her “You are so beautiful, I love you so much”, although she knows that it is a lie, she is willing to be deceived, in order to experience the feeling of being loved.

Some people commit sexual crimes because they want to manipulate each other’s reactions sexually, and their deeper pleasure comes from being able to experience the feeling of manipulating each other sexually, and they are eager to seduce and play with others. There is also a desire for depraved obedience to authority, making it impossible to escape abuse. In addition, money is also one of the motives for sexual crimes, of course, not only the motives of prostitution, pornographers, and other direct targets of money but also more difficult to detect patterns. My church once had a single mom with financial constraints whose landlords allowed her to trade sex to offset rent. She didn’t like the landlord and thought he was dirty, but she was tempted financially.

If you’re counseling and disciplining such people, you’d better not assume that all temptations to commit sexual sin comes purely from sexual desire and that there is one last motive for sexual sin: revenge. I’ve seen a lot of sex crimes out of anger. For example, “You were unfaithful to me, so I went to sleep with your best friend”; A couple had bitterness toward each other after an argument, so the husband ran to watch, and the wife flirted with people online.

We have to deepen this battle, and then you will find that we are all fighting the same way. Some people fight with pride, some people fight with lust, some people fight with control, some people fight with the sense of chaos that is controlled, some people fight with anger, and some people fight with money worship.

05. Our goal is not just to stop crime

It is also important that we remember the goals of our battles. There are two common mistakes, one is to only set the goal as “stop crime” and “I haven’t been on sites for half a year”, and they think that this is what victory looks like. Another wrong goal is to target the conduit of grace and ignore the purpose of grace. It is as if the goal is simply to have accountability mechanisms, to memorize Scripture, or to go to a church that preaches the truth, not as a means to achieve the Lord’s goals.
The Lord’s goal is to renew our relationship with God so that we can love others. Yes, God wants you to stop sinning, but he wants you to have a real relationship with Him, need Him completely, and cry out to Him from the bottom of your heart. Blessed are the poor in heart, God has no interest in creating people who can be good citizens by self-control, but He wants people who need Him, love Him, seek Him, and take pleasure in Him. Then He calls us to love, “Please keep me from sinning, and help me to be a conduit of grace so that my faith may be expressed through love.”

Through this wonderful transformation, you will begin to be zealous in protecting the purity and happiness of others, you will no longer regard others as objects to satisfy the lusts of your eyes, you do not want to see them polluted by lust, and you certainly do not want to pollute them. You will long for your loved one to be holy.

This positive vision only uses three classifications of “family, spouse, threat” to look at each member of the opposite sex. In the case of men, for every woman I meet, only one is a spouse, and my sex life belongs only to her. My mother and daughter are my family, and in this corrupt culture, we will protect them from sexual sin. There is also a category called “threats” that may tempt me sexually. I should stay away from them, not be drawn to them. This helps people love each other and be safe with each other.
Now you have to think, what exactly is your struggle at the moment? Your current struggle is that you need Christ today to satisfy your content. He has put the gospel in you: “I will never leave you, I will never forsake you. “Let’s say the darkness in my life has been hurt by someone, so sex is scary for me. If He really never forsaken me, then there will really be light in my life. Or you are facing guilt because you have sinned a lot in your sexual life, and He is not surprised by your filth,

Now you have to think, what exactly is your struggle at the moment? Your current struggle is that you need Christ today to satisfy your content. He has put the gospel in you: “I will never leave you, I will never forsake you. “Let’s say the darkness in my life has been hurt by someone, so sex is scary for me. If He really never forsaken me, then there will really be light in my life. Or you are facing guilt because you have sinned a lot in your sexual life, and He is not surprised by your filth, He was born and died to wash away your filth, and “I will never forsake you” is what he says about your guilt.

If your problem is a temptation to flirt with others, if you are a predator, what does the phrase “I will never forsake you” mean to you? One of the meanings is to make you fear God. He can see all your work, and you can’t hide it. But there is another meaning: He is always there for you, and He will help you. If you look for Him, you will find Him. With a cry, He came.

Pray that God will show us the true face of this battle and help us understand all enemies, both obvious and hidden. Broadening our horizons allows us to deal with the ups and downs of the entire process of sanctification, helps us understand the breadth and depth of this battle, and helps us see our destination. We don’t want to just stop doing evil in our actions, we want good things. Most of all, Lord, let us meet you where we need to meet you.

and “I will never forsake you” is what he says about your guilt.

If your problem is a temptation to flirt with others, if you are a predator, what does the phrase “I will never forsake you” mean to you? One of the meanings is to make you fear God. He can see all your work, and you can’t hide it. But there is another meaning: He is always there for you, and He will help you. If you look for Him, you will find Him. With a cry, He came.

Pray that God will show us the true face of this battle and help us understand all enemies, both obvious and hidden. Broadening our horizons allows us to deal with the ups and downs of the entire process of sanctification, helps us understand the breadth and depth of this battle, and helps us see our destination. We don’t want to just stop doing evil in our actions, we want good things. Most of all, Lord, let us meet you where we need to meet you.

见证篇179.更广…

我们心里不易察觉的黑暗和脏污很多。所有人都在光明与黑暗两边之间，尽管你心中仍有黑暗，但那份对光明的向往，其实就是光明在你生命中浮现的开始：那在你里面动善工的，必在基督耶稣的日子里成全这工。但这需要一个过程，其中充满了挣扎。

01. 关键不是速度，而是方向

性犯罪本质上就是与错误的情欲对象交合，可能发生在实际层面，也可能发生在想象中。人心总是在使用、滥用、误用上帝的恩典和其他人，而不在乎别人的纯洁，让原本美好的性变得肮脏、可怕。受害者因为别人对你做的事而感到愧疚和羞耻，在千奇百怪的污秽之中，有不洁的痛苦，也有不洁的快感。

“色情”并非专属男性的问题。我们必须认清，女性完全有能力和男性犯下同样的罪。但有时男女的心态会不同。典型的女性心态，通常是寻找爱与关系。我认识许多女同性恋者，她们对亲密感的渴望很强，当她们发现别的女人能满足她，就将这种关系渐渐情欲化了。色情网站或许是许多男性的问题，但浪漫小说可能就是女性的色情网站：只是它们诉诸于浪漫的情欲，而不是赤裸裸的情欲。小说封面上美女被男人强壮的手臂搂着，得到关爱和保护，这正是世界所给的救赎之一。

并非结婚就能解决性问题。恐惧、罪咎感、不好的回忆，都可能带入婚姻。即使你已经不再犯罪，但罪恶感仍缠着你，你感觉自己像受损的物品，价值打了折扣。基督的救赎将要对一切黑暗之处动工，不只是对情欲动工，它也对不圣洁的痛苦动工，对亲密感的缺乏动工，对那种透过性来发泄的愤怒动工。

我们所面对的黑暗比我们想象的更广、更深，争战也比我们想象的更长。我们常常把门训、辅导当作成圣的速效药，似乎只要研读某节经文，记住因信称义，不断聚会听道，问题就迎刃而解。当事情依旧，我们就不知所措。观察历史，你会发现上帝似乎乐意用几个世代甚至几个世纪，来对祂的人群动工。因为爱是恒久忍耐。当你把这个道理放在个人身上，上帝愿意花几十年在你我生命中动工。所谓门徒，就是终生的学习者。这是一场会持续到最后的争战，最终会有一个荣耀的结果。

成圣的过程非常多样化，有些人像飞跃的羚羊一下子摆脱各种污秽。也许你生命比较像是平稳走路，养成纪律，逐步学习。也有些时候你举步维艰，甚至有时你在爬行，用指甲前进。你知道吗？这样也很好。真正重要的不是距离或速度，而是方向。尽管有时或许你连动都动不了，但至少是面对正确的方向——你面向上帝，把信心放在上帝身上。

当耶稣说“悔改”的时候，祂要信徒用一生的时间来悔改。这很惊人！我们通常把悔改想得很简单，就是做错事要回头。马丁·路德的说法比较接近圣经，他写道：“我们尚未成为我们应当成为的样子，但我们正在朝它逐渐成长。这个过程还没结束，而是正在进行。这并不是结束，而是道路。这一切尚未在荣耀中发光，但都正在被洁净。”

02. 情欲只是你排解其他压力的排气阀

这场争战比我们想象得更宽广。就像一间多厅影院门口招牌上写着本周热门电影：情欲大片，里面有几部戏，这场争战其实在多间影厅中同时展开。我在服事那些在性罪中挣扎的人时发现，他们常常是在别的影厅中有所突破，反过来改变了他们与性罪争战的战果。

一个35岁的单身男子，从15岁信主就开始了长达20年的情欲挣扎。他不时接触色情、自慰，时好时坏。虽试过所有方法，包括彼此问责监督、背经、祷告、禁食，甚至还有剧烈运动和冷水澡，但仍无法摆脱。他很气馁，“我真的是基督徒吗？”“何必这么辛苦呢？”

身为他的牧师，我不想跟他说一堆他尝试过但做不到的道理，我从简单的问题开始，“你能不能做个记录？记下你何时、什么情况之下受试探，试着找到规律，是否还有其他跟性犯罪有关的事正在发生？”

他笑着说：“我已经知道答案了，我只会在周五或周六晚上软弱。因为我和上帝闹脾气。”我感到惊讶，他继续说，“我每周五下班回家，孤伶伶回到公寓，我的单身朋友们大都出门约会了，已婚朋友则正和妻子欢度良宵，只有我独自一人自艾自怜。到了晚上九、十点，我就会对自己说：‘今天你可以好好放松一下，毕竟上帝欺骗了你。’然后我就跌倒了。”

许多问题都是性犯罪的温床。这位男士面对的不只是情欲问题，他有两股念头，一方面想，“所有正确的事我都做了，但上帝却没给我妻子作为奖励，所以我责怪祂。”另一方面，他又把罪咎感和控告指向自己：“我仍然没有得胜，只要我得胜就能得到一个妻子！”上帝让他看见自己的生命建在脆弱不堪的基础上——试图靠自己的表现赚取上帝的奖赏，这种彻底败坏的心态需要被洗净。

我们花了很多时间处理他的自义以及对妻子的渴望，多过我们用来处理色情影碟的时间。无论是幻想层面或行为层面，情欲对人来说就像蒸汽炉的排气阀。当一个人遇到太多压力、失败和挫折的时候，他想去寻找一个虚假的避难所，用性来缓解。这场争战必须扩大，“性”与你整个生活是嵌在一起的，与其他许多层面的问题有关。生活中正常的压力，我们应当凭着信心来处理，而不是犯罪。

03. 最肮脏的罪，其实最容易解决

这场争战比我们想的更深入。面对性罪就像玩电子游戏，一开始你的等级最低，敌人行动缓慢，几下就被你打飞了。第2级，敌人会变快一点。当你到了42级的时候，敌人难以捉摸，行动迅速，你会输很多次。在性犯罪上，初级的敌人最简单，像通奸、淫乱，因为它们显而易见，为了犯这种罪，你必须撒很多谎才能掩人耳目，所以某种程度上它们是比较容易摆脱的。

中级的罪可能是色情。色情比奸淫更难对付，因为它不易察觉，容易得到却较难被发现。只要上网点几下鼠标就可以了，然后删除历史记录。更高级的可能是意淫，更不易察觉，你什么都不用做，一切都在脑袋里发生，不留痕迹。虽然你没有跟人乱来，却同样充满罪恶。随着争战进展越来越深入，不易察觉的敌人会越来越多。

不仅主动犯罪的人如此，被动受害者也是如此。处在受虐关系中，虽然艰难但还算比较容易逃离和打破。但要真正处理对方带给你的恐惧就比较困难，而去处理充满绝望、伤害与补偿式情欲的幻想，更是难解的问题。

在意淫之上，还有一种状况：你没有寻找罪，而是罪寻找你。广告里几乎没穿衣服的女性找上你，不是你主动找她，你受试探想多看一眼。没有人会为此受到教会惩戒，但这可能才是很难搞定的战场。

再升高一级就是按照外貌判断人的潜意识，就像有人喜欢用财富或职位高低来衡量别人。这种罪无关你做了什么，而关乎你的本质。纯洁的潜意识是有可能培养出来的，但需要经过许多祷告、思考、争战、悔改，多次和自己摔跤，然后才有办法看待异性为需要被关怀、被在乎与爱的人，视他人为姐妹、弟兄和朋友，而不受他们的外表影响。我们对成圣的看法必须更深入，不能因为停止了奸淫与色情，就以为问题解决了。看起来最肮脏的罪，某种程度上其实只是最容易解决的部分。

关于成圣的深刻真理之一就是，一方面你正朝着光明前进，比以前更有爱、喜乐、信心；另一方面你也意识到自己败坏的程度有多深。用加尔文的话说：“我们心里有邪恶的余烬，随时都会再烧起来。”你越深入了解罪，越会发现从最深层的罪来看，我们基本上都是一样的，无论是外在的行为或脑袋里的想象，无论是意淫或看了不该看的东西第二眼，或是不知不觉就对人品头论足。最深层的罪，并不是你做了什么，而是你为什么做。

04. 我们都在战斗，但敌人不同

刚才提到的那个35岁男子的案例中，性欲望是他犯罪的真实动机，但它与其他动机相关联，包括“我想要有妻子”，“上帝欠我一个妻子”。所有的偶像崇拜，都是用受造界的东西来取代上帝。人在上帝以外寻找避难所。这是多层次的偶像崇拜。我们也许和那个男人截然不同，但也有同样的偶像崇拜。

偶像崇拜关乎你想得到的一些东西，以及生命变艰难的时候你逃往何处。性犯罪有许多特别的动机，除了性欲之外，人们有时会因为渴望亲密感和被爱而犯这种罪。很多性生活很乱的女孩，外表并不出众，当男孩们对她说“你好美，我好爱你”，她虽然知道是谎言，但甘愿被骗，为了能体验到被爱的感觉。

有些人性犯罪，是想要在性方面操控对方的反应，他们更深层的愉悦来自能在性方面体会操控对方的感觉，他们渴望诱惑、玩弄别人。还有对权威的堕落服从欲，让人无法逃出被虐待的情形。此外，金钱也是性犯罪的动机之一，当然不仅是卖淫、色情作家之类以金钱为直接目标的动机，还有更难察觉的模式。我的教会曾有一个经济拮据的单亲妈妈，房东让她可以用性交易抵租金。她并不喜欢那个房东，觉得他很脏，但她遇到的是经济方面的试探。

如果你在为这样的人做辅导和门训，你最好别假定一切性犯罪的试探都单纯来自性欲，性犯罪还有最后一个动机：报复。我看过许多性犯罪的行为，是出自愤怒。例如“你对我不忠，所以我就去跟你最好的朋友上床”；一对夫妻争执后彼此心怀苦毒，于是先生跑去看色情片，太太则上网和人调情。

我们必须深化这场争战，然后你会发现我们大家都一样在战斗。有人和骄傲争战、有人和情欲争战、有人和控制欲争战、有人和被控制的混乱感争战、有人和愤怒争战、有人和拜金争战。

05. 我们的目标不只是停止犯罪

同样重要的是，我们要记得自己争战的目标。有两个常见的错误，一个是只把目标订为“停止犯罪”，“我已经半年没有上色情网站了”，他们认为胜利看起来就是这样的。另一种错误目标就是把恩典的管道当成目标，忽略了恩典的目的。彷佛目标就只是要有问责机制、背经文，或进到传讲真理的教会，没有把这些当作手段，用来达到主的目标。

主的目标就是和上帝的关系得到更新，使我们可以以爱待人。没错，上帝想要你停止犯罪，但更要你和祂有一段真实的关系，彻底需要祂，从心底呼求祂。心灵贫穷的人有福了，上帝没有兴趣创造靠自我控制就能成为良好公民的人，祂要的是需要祂、爱祂、寻求祂、以祂为乐的人。然后祂呼召我们去爱，“请让我别犯罪、帮助我作恩典的管道，好让我的信心能藉由爱而表达出来”。

经历这样的奇妙转变，你会开始热心于守护别人的纯洁与幸福，你将不再把别人当作满足你眼目情欲的物品，你不想看到他们遭受情欲的污染，当然自己也不会想去污染他们。你会渴望你所爱的人成为圣洁。

这种正向的眼光，只用三种分类方式“家人、配偶、威胁”来看每个异性。以男性为例，我遇到的每个女性，只有一位是配偶，我的性生活只属于她。我的母亲、女儿是我的家人，在这个败坏的文化中，我们会保护她们免受性罪污染。还有一个类别是“威胁”，可能在性方面诱惑我。我应当远离她们，而不是被吸引过去。这可以帮助人们彼此相爱、安全相处。

现在你要思考，你此刻的挣扎，具体是在什么事情上？你目前的挣扎，就是你今天需要基督来满足你的内容。祂在你里面放了福音：“我永不离开你、永不抛弃你。”假设我生命中的黑暗是曾经被人伤害，因此性对我而言是充满恐惧的。如果祂真的永不离弃我，那么我的生命就真的有亮光了。或者你面对的是罪咎感，因为你在性生活上犯了许多罪，祂对你的污秽并不惊讶，祂正是为了洗净污秽而降生受死，“我永不离弃你”就是对你的罪咎感说的。

如果你的问题是受试探去和别人搞暧昧，如果你是一个掠食者，“我永不离弃你”这句话对你又有什么涵义呢？其中一个意义，是让你敬畏上帝。祂看得见你一切的作为，你无从隐藏。但也有另外一层意义：祂总是在你身边，祂会帮助你。你若寻找祂，就会寻见祂。只要一声呼求，祂就来了。

求神让我们看清这场争战的真面目，帮助我们了解一切敌人，包含明显的和隐蔽的。增广我们的视野，让我们能处理整个成圣过程中各种失败和起伏，帮我们了解这场争战的宽度和深度，帮我们看见我们的目的地。我们不想要只是在行为上不再做恶，我们想要美好的事物。主啊，最重要的是，求你让我们在需要遇见你的地方遇见你。

生命福音[141]…

🔊 Play 音频 三分钟

「所以我告诉你们，被神的灵感动的，没有说『耶稣是可咒诅』的；若不是被圣灵感动的，也没有能说『耶稣是主』的。」【林前12: 3】

我们不但要习惯式的读圣经，并且要认真地读，抱着渴望、计划、盼望，和期待神要藉着圣经使人归正的心态耒就读。每一次听道时，盼望神现在就进来，这就是神所使用叫我与他和好的人。每当神给人去教会的特权时，自己的心要这样仰望神：“主啊！求你在这个安息日中，将你重生的救恩赏赐我。巴不得以后人要说，这个人是从神生的。”

当神叫人知罪时，不要抑止。不要不与祂合作，求主使人归正。“不要消灭圣灵”；不要拒绝祂，不要抵挡祂。人要谨慎，免得自己因着与恶人聚集或忙着世俗，压抑了知罪的心。当人因犯罪和惧怕自己属灵的光景而感到痛苦时，求神只在以下的光景中赐人平安：那就是彻底地弃绝人一切的罪，使自己心里厌恶罪，且毫不犹豫地一心将自己献给基督。自己要对神说： “主啊！你要把这工做到底，不要半途而废。祢要彻底除掉我的腐败，祢要完全治死我的罪。”自己要这样让圣灵运行在自己心里，扬帆顺水让这大风随意吹你向前。

忽略祷告的人是一个轻藐、未成圣的罪人。不经常祷告的人是假冒为善，除了忽略不是他平时的习惯，是因某种暂时的引诱。归正的结果之一就是：会使人开始学会祷告，因此人要开始尽这个本份；要天天早晨和晚上拨出时间，私下认真地祷告。并且， 人也要求自己的家人，天天一起敬拜神。如果时曰到了，人是不求告神名的家庭，人就有祸了。

当人态度冷淡、要死不活的灵修，连天堂一半的路程都到不了。人必须努力地前进，如果人想得福，必须像雅各一样摔跤、流泪恳求神。若人在恩典之外，必要灭亡。所以自己要开始寻找恩典，不要放弃，一直到蒙恩。坚定下决心说：“如果我非有恩典不可，那在我得到 之前，我决不放弃。我不会停止迫切地恳求，决心悔改归正远离罪恶，当与神和我自己的心摔跤，一直到神借祂大能的恩典叫我重生。”

除非人决定拒绝并避免犯罪的引诱，否则人永远离不开罪恶。除非神带领，使你舍己，好避免犯罪的引诱，否则，人的归正途径也太遥远了。当人处在引诱中，最害人甚至最致命的一个引诱就是：邪恶的同伴。在属灵上，许多本来处于指望高的人，因为邪恶的同伴，他的指望很快就受阻挡了！邪恶的同伴曾毁坏何其多的灵魂、财产、家庭、和城市！人必甩掉这些邪恶的同伴，否则见主面难呀 ! 愿圣灵时时感动我们，并称耶稣是主。感谢神 ! 奉主蒙恩 ! 阿们 ! 

每日活灵(256)…

🔊 Play 音频 三分钟

「我们晓得万事都互相效力，叫爱神的人得益处，就是按祂旨意被召的人。」【罗8: 28】

在宇宙中有一个愿望，就是神的愿望。因为这愿望是神所定的，所以无人无物能推翻这愿望。在地上发生的每一件事，都是为着这个定旨。我们这些神的众子，有神的恩典在我们身上洋溢，我们乃是祂定旨的中心点；万有都为我们效力。这奥秘乃是神将祂自己分赐到我们里面，为祂自己产生召会。神在祂自己里面定了这个愿望。

万事，所有的事，都是神在那里安排。所有的事都叫我们得益处，没有一件事不是叫我们得益处的。

我们必须信一切都互相效力，叫我们得益处。甚至我们的仇敌也叫我们得益处。没有一件事是忽然临到我们身上的，我们没有偶然的境遇。从我们看来，我们遇见的事是千头万绪、杂乱无章；我们看不出里面的意思，我们不懂得是怎么一回事。

在信主的人身上，一切遭遇都是万有的主宰所安排的，为要叫我们得着属灵的益处。所以基督徒不该承认运气问题，更不该去作预测运气，或碰运气的事。

惟独有一种人能得着益处，就是爱神的人。如果你不爱神，就恐怕没有一件事给你效力。神没有改变万事，神乃是改变你的心。如果你爱神，就虽然万事仍是那样，却于你有益处。

我们所遇见的每一件事情，都是有一定的价值的。但是，神在那里作的时候，我们可能叫自己得益处，也可能拦阻那一个益处。这与我们的态度大有关系。我们如果是爱神的，那就一切出于神的都是使我们得益处的。『你若认识神，爱是最短路程』。

我们遇见事情的时候，如果我们里面不爱神，在神之外有自己的寻求、欲望、兴趣，那么神所要给我们的益处就要耽搁了。我们即使受了许多对付，但在灵里并没有留下甚么东西。

神给我们的祷告的答应，常出我们意外。我们求忍耐，神却给我们患难，因为患难生忍耐。我们求顺服，神却给我们苦难，好使我们因所受的苦难学了顺从。

圣灵照着『神的旨意』替我们祈求，而我们这爱神的人乃是按『祂旨意』被召的人；这话告诉我们，神的旨意乃是一切属灵事物的起头。可见我们属灵的追求，包括祷告神和爱慕神，都应当以神的旨意为先。

神的喜悦是神在祂自己里面豫先定下的。这就是说，神自己是祂永远定旨的起始、来源和范围。神有一个计画，一个愿望，并且照着祂的计画，祂有一个定旨。宇宙的存在是照着神的定旨。天、地、万物、以及人类，都是照着神所定的愿望而有的。最终，这一切都要归结于神的愿望。奉主蒙恩! 阿们! 

见证篇178. 那…

我该怎样原谅这个消失这么久的父亲？我甚至没有力气叫他一声“爸爸”。他看着我，惊讶得下巴快掉了。我忍住眼泪让自己坚强，我心里留着沉重的恨，对这样一位老人还有什么意义？我把他当做本该熟悉却又陌生的成年人，问他二十多来不曾问过却想知道答案的问题。

我出生在天津郊区，家附近有一条漂亮的小河，有时候可以看到啄木鸟在林间飞翔。我最喜欢的事是躺在棉花田里发呆，任小狗在旁边依偎着我睡觉，或者偶尔舔舔我，央我回家。记得上小学时我不爱说话，但很喜欢写作文，喜欢用纸和笔记录树木花鸟，这样的恬静让我快乐。

我不想回家，因为爸妈隔三差五就会吵架，有时爸爸还会打妈妈，幼小的我只能无助地抱着小狗，躲在一旁哭个不停。大伯偶尔会来劝架，可惜收效甚微。多少次争吵过后，妈妈拉着我走长长的路，跨过小河，走过小桥，跑到亲戚家。一路上，妈妈不停流着眼泪，几乎无话。我也没有心情像平常一样“探险”周遭的环境。往往过一段时间后，爸爸会来跟妈妈道歉，再接她回家。

吵闹越来越频繁，我的童年不再有恬淡的日子。他们两人似乎也厌倦了。六岁那年的一天，爸爸问我，如果他俩离婚，我想跟谁生活。很显然，多次陪着妈妈流泪“逃走”的经历让我毫不迟疑地回答：“我跟妈妈，因为你老是让她哭。”一纸协议后，妈妈把所有和爸爸有关的照片都撕掉了，仿佛也把他和我所有的联结都带走了。从那以后，我再也没有见过爸爸。

8岁那年，妈妈嫁给了继父，但我从没叫过他爸爸，因为我知道他不是。那时的我并不懂得“破镜难圆”的道理，心里仍然期待着生父的出现。每年生日前后，我都会坐在学校操场边上，望着校门口的方向。我多么希望那个男人会提着东西来看我，抱抱我 . 我想他了，不知道他是否也会想起我？

那时候，每年生日总是赶上阳历的四月，如果又恰逢周四，我就会想，“四”是多么不吉利的数字，我会不会在那天死去！那么在我临死前见一见爸爸，这个想法不过分吧？可是现实仍然让我无数次的失望，这种等待没有任何结果。“爸爸”这个词在我的生活里逐渐消失了。我不禁要问，给我生命的男人啊，你为什么把我带到这个世界上？

1. 在异乡渴望被爱

为了远离这样灰暗的生活，高考后表哥帮我填写了志愿，我来到离家很远的内蒙古上大学。距离并没有给我的心带来任何安慰，每当夜半被噩梦惊醒时，我还是会默默流泪。生我的父亲都不爱我，还有谁会来爱我呢？

大学期间，我参与组织了一个同心结爱心协会，和同学一起去城市周边的小学慰问、义卖筹款，支援“母亲水窖”。我想自己还年轻，可以有不断的爱去帮助别人。但当我一个人的时候，心里非常清楚，这个破碎的自己更需要有人来爱。

一个冬日下雪的晚上，协会的一位学妹在服务点等人来捐衣服。我透过宿舍的窗户看到她，觉得好心疼，便下楼来对她说：“回去吧，太冷了，明天天气好再来！”没想到她特别开心地说：“没事的，姐姐，你知道吗？人的爱是有限的，神的爱是无限的。”听到这句话，不知怎么的，我鼻子一酸，眼泪便涌了上来。我在心里问：“竟然有这样一位神吗？祂可以让我不再流泪吗？如果是真的，我想认识这位神。”

后来学妹邀请我到她家里参加聚会。素昧平生，她的妈妈和朋友对我满是关切，这深深触动了我。以前，我经常告诉自己没有家，只有妈妈在的地方才是家。但现在我身处异乡，竟然体会到了久违的温暖，第一次有了家的感觉。

我是多么渴望得到爱啊，我又追寻起爱情来。大学期间我谈了恋爱，毕业后为了离家近一点，我来到北京工作，与男友也变成了异地恋。距离使感情变得淡漠，男友打电话的次数越来越少，最后爱情也走了。我觉得这遭遇和妈妈好像，小时候看她流泪等爸爸来接她回家，我竟然也奢望以流泪为代价让爱情回来。结果显而易见，我浑浑噩噩捱过了三年灰心失望的生活。

02.我打通了给父亲的电话

神的爱再次向我伸出了手。我被同事邀请去教会，听到了那首《这一生最美的祝福》，“在无数的黑夜里，我用星星画出你……这一生最美的祝福，就是能认识主耶稣……”泪水瞬间决堤，一股温暖的力量从心里升腾起来，苦涩的泪水仿佛都变成了甘甜。如果说我在以往的日子里流了一公升的眼泪，那个时候我开始相信“流泪撒种的必欢呼收割”，我也相信在我心里有个和我同喜乐同哀伤的灵在医治我。

这之后我受了洗，开始参与在教会主日学的服侍。回看来时的路，心里充满感恩，我深知自己一路上是如何被撒种、被浇灌，又是如何在主的帮助下得释放的。我想回报这位救我出黑暗入光明的主。

随着对主认识的加深，我对自己的认识也更清楚了。有一次参加退修会的集体祷告时，过去的伤痛又被牵引出来。我把自己沉浸在祷告里，任凭眼泪不止。然后我听到神对我说：“我是你的父亲，我给你爱，你不要觉得孤单。”我又看到了小时候那些父母吵架的场景，看到妈妈难过的在我面前撕照片，“这些都不会再有了，因为我要用我的爱充满你。”这个声音温柔地引导我，其中“饶恕”这个词被重复了五次。

这次经历后，神透过牧师的讲道、灵修文章分享，以及我自己的灵修祷告，和肯德尔牧师（Robert Tillman Kendall）关于“完全饶恕” 的讲道，帮助我明白了神的心意：原谅这个世界上伤我最深的人，因为天上的父亲喜悦我这样做。随后，我通过表哥寻找父亲的联系方式。原本没有抱太大希望，毕竟二十多年没有联系了，结果第二天表哥就把父亲的电话号码给我了！

一想到要面对这么多年没见的父亲，心里实在忐忑。我清楚地记得拿到电话的那天下午，我蒸了一只一斤半的英国面包蟹，吃了两个小时之久。大概快到晚上9点时，我意识到不能再拖了，再不打电话这一晚上就过去了。既然决定好了就行动吧。我拨通了电话，对方接起来却没有说话。我咽了咽口水，壮着胆子问：“请问是祝先生吗？”“是，你是谁？”“我是你的女儿。”

我感受到了他的惊讶，他连连问：“你怎么知道我的电话号码的？”“之前很多从北京打来的电话我都没有接，是你打的吗？”“你要见面吗？”“你遇到什么困难了吗？有什么困难你要说。”

眼泪早就在我脸上肆意流淌，听到久违的关切，我感受到刺心的痛楚。“如果你这么在意，为什么这么多年都不联系我？”这句话我忍住了没有问出口。神啊，我该怎样去原谅这个消失了这么久的父亲？我甚至没有力气叫他一声“爸爸”，心里不情愿极了。挂电话时，他说要保持联系，并问我：“如果有什么问题的话，我可以给你打电话吗？”我说“可以。”多么艰难的开始！但我也清楚地知道，神在帮我释放，因为“一宿虽然有哭泣，早晨便必欢呼”。结束通话后的晚上，我流着泪在沙发上祷告着睡着了。

第二天，我照常去学校上班，午休时和同事来到附近一家咖啡店吃东西。坐定后，我开始在祷告笔记上写出对昨晚通话的疑惑：为什么他接到电话时问我怎么找到他的电话号码？他真的想念我吗？他真的会见我吗？他怕不怕我对他有所图谋、对他有仇恨……写着写着，泪水又打湿了眼眶。突然手机响了，泪光中我看到是父亲的来电，便接了起来。

他急切地提了一连串的问题：“我忍着等到午休的时候给你打电话。你昨天打来，我吓坏了，不知道你发生了什么事？你的工作还好吗？你喜欢现在的工作吗？你具体做什么？”我们聊了约有30分钟，刚刚写下的疑惑在这次通话中一一得到了解答。我深深知道是神在指引我，感谢祂预备的丰盛恩典。此时我也意识到，我必须要正视自己的内心，让自己得到医治。挂了电话，我忍不住哭了起来，桌上的纸巾堆成了小山。旁边的同事甚至都怀疑我是不是被学校辞退了，打击这么大……

熟悉这里的人都知道，店里的客人都是学校的老师和附近的外国人，很少有陌生人来。就在我哭得不能自已时，一位衣着朴素的老妈妈来到旁边问我是不是感冒了，要不要去医院。由于实在忍不住要哭，我求神帮我找一辆顺风车载我回家，果然3分钟之后我坐上了一辆天津牌照的顺风车。终于只有我独自一人了，在车上我尽情地让自己哭了个痛快，如同约瑟见到他的那些哥哥一样，哭声震动埃及全城。

03.父亲看着我，惊讶得下巴快掉了

慢慢的，想见父亲的念头越来越强烈。一次在赞美的时候，我在祷告中请求神激动父亲的心，使他能主动联系我。我低头，泪水落到手机上，父亲发来的短信赫然映入眼帘：“我们保持联系吧，有困难一定告诉我！”我知道神在指引我快快去饶恕，便回复他：“我联系你是因为想告诉你，我原谅你在我生命里的缺席。你不要有负担。我不怪你对我所做的，我想见见你。”

后来我又先后给他发了两条长信息，告诉他我过去二十几年的生活，那些没有他的日子里，我在哪里上学、工作，所有的思念、怨恨，以及由此带来的对男生的仇视，我通通告诉了他。同时我也表达了并不想介入他的生活，更不需要他的经济支援。对于联络他的缘由我也如实说了，我是怎么认识神的，如何被神引导要去原谅。因为神把我放在祂翅膀荫下，把我视作祂眼中的瞳仁，我知道天上的父亲爱我，想让我成为更好的自己，所以我能不去追究地上的缺失，可以坦然无惧地原谅地上的父亲。

看了我的信息，父亲回复说，觉得自己很愧疚、很不是滋味。他打算订一家饭店，要我去见他的家人和孩子。考虑到自己当下的承受能力，我拒绝了。我说目前只想见他一个人。我们约在了一家星巴克。

那天我如期赴约，进了屋就在前台点一杯抹茶拿铁。他恰好走进来问，这里是不是星巴克，却不知道站在旁边的就是他要找的人。他一开口说话，我就从声音里认出了他。我忍着没有说话，想看看他能否认出我来。可惜他没有。他转身想去二楼确认地址。眼见着他就要从我身边走开，我走上前去说：“你是不是在找我？”他看着我，下巴快掉了的样子。毕竟二十多年没见，这样吃惊也属正常。我虽然认出了他，心里却也带着惊讶。在我心中他是三十多岁的模样，如今他都快六十了，自然衰老了许多。

我俩坐下来，他说我眼睛像他，下巴像妈妈。面对这位生我却不养我，曾经让我思念、等待、仇恨的父亲，我忍着眼泪让自己坚强。我不知道心里留着那样沉重的恨，对这样一位老人还有什么意义。索性我把他当作一位本该熟悉却又陌生的成年人，问他二十多来不曾问过却想要知道答案的问题。两个人就这么聊了大约三个小时，以往的许多伤心难过都释然了，我好像更了解了约瑟和他哥哥们相逢同席时的心情，原来饶恕可以让人这么轻松！

04. 神是一切的答案

都说时间是一剂良药，而今的我却想说，唯有神才是一切的答案。感谢神拣选我成为祂的女儿，教我真理，给我爱和温柔，并引导我与地上的父亲和好。

面对这位在我生命里缺席26年之久的父亲，所有的辛酸和愁苦开始褪去，饶恕让我得到释放。“我们又藉着祂，因信得进入现在所站的这恩典中，并且欢欢喜喜盼望神的荣耀。不但如此，就是在患难中也是欢欢喜喜的。因为知道患难生忍耐，忍耐生老练，老练生盼望；盼望不至于羞耻，因为所赐给我们的圣灵将神的爱浇灌在我们心里。”

正如神的爱浇灌了我，我得着了满足，便“从腹中流出活水的江河来”。我不禁也想让父亲认识神，为他祷告，可以得到永恒的盼望和福乐。“惟有基督在我们还作罪人的时候为我们死，神的爱就在此向我们显明了。”“但你们在那里必寻求耶和华你的神。你尽心尽性寻求祂的时候，就必寻见。”

因为得着了神的爱，地上父亲的遗弃变得不再重要。经历了这一切，我深知是神把我从苦毒中拯救出来。惟愿神可以使用我的分享，帮助有类似经历的你，洗净你的泪痕，与神爱的活水相连。

Testimoni…

That day, I went to see my father, who had abandoned me for 26 years

How can I forgive this father who has disappeared for so long? I didn’t even have the strength to call him “Daddy.” He looked at me and his jaw dropped in surprise. I held back tears to make myself strong, I had a heavy hatred in my heart, what was the meaning of such an old man? I treated him as a familiar but strange adult, asking him questions he hadn’t asked in more than twenty years but wanted to know the answers.

I was born on the outskirts of Tianjin, with a nice river near my home, and sometimes woodpeckers can be seen flying in the forest. My favorite thing to do is lie in a daze in a cotton field, let the puppy snuggle up next to me to sleep, or occasionally lick me and let me go home. I remember that when I was in elementary school, I didn’t like to talk, but I liked to write and write down trees, flowers, and birds with pen and paper, which made me happy.

I didn’t want to go home, because my parents would quarrel every third and fifth, sometimes my father would beat my mother, and I could only hold the puppy helplessly, hide on the side, and cry. The uncle would occasionally come to persuade but unfortunately had little effect. How many times after the argument, my mother pulled me on a long walk, across the river, across the bridge, and ran to the relatives’ house? Along the way, my mother kept shedding tears and almost didn’t say anything. I’m also not in the mood to “explore” my surroundings as usual. Often after a while, Dad would come to apologize to Mom and take her home.

The noise became more and more frequent, and there were no more quiet days in my childhood. The two of them also seemed tired of it. One day when I was six years old, my dad asked me who I would like to live with if they divorced. Obviously, the experience of “escaping” with my mother in tears many times made me answer without hesitation: “I talk to my mother because you always make her cry.” “After a piece of agreement, my mother tore up all the photos related to my father, as if she also took away all the connections between him and me. I haven’t seen my dad since.

When I was 8 years old, my mom married my stepfather, but I never called him daddy because I knew he wasn’t. At that time, I did not understand the truth that “it is difficult to break the mirror”, and I still looked forward to the appearance of my biological father. Every year around my birthday, I would sit on the edge of the school playground and look in the direction of the school gate. How I wish that man would come to see me with something and hug me… I miss him, I wonder if he will think of me too?

At that time, every birthday always coincided with April in the solar calendar, and if it happened to be Thursday, I would wonder, what the unlucky number “four” is, and will I die on that day! So seeing my dad before I die, isn’t that too much? But the reality still disappointed me countless times, and this wait came to no avail. The word “dad” faded away in my life. I can’t help but ask, O man who gave me my life, why did you bring me into this world?

1. Longing to be loved in a foreign land

In order to stay away from such a gloomy life, my cousin helped me fill out the volunteer after the college entrance examination, and I came to Inner Mongolia, far from home, to attend university. The distance did not bring any comfort to my heart, and I still wept silently whenever I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare. The father who gave birth to me didn’t love me, so who else would love me?

During my university years, I participated in the organization of a Heart Together Association, and I went with my classmates to elementary schools around the city to offer condolences, charity sales, and fundraisers to support the “Mother Water Cellar”. I think I’m still young and can have constant love to help others. But when I am alone, I know very well that this broken self needs someone to love more.

One snowy winter evening, a student of the association waited at the service point for someone to donate clothes. I saw her through the window of the dormitory and felt so distressed, so I came downstairs and said to her: “Go back, it’s too cold, come back tomorrow when the weather is good!” Unexpectedly, she said happily: “It’s okay, sister, you know?” Man’s love is finite, and God’s love is infinite. Hearing this, somehow, my nose soured, and tears welled up. I asked in my heart, “Is there such a God?” Can He stop me from crying? If it’s true, I want to know this God. ”

Later, my junior invited me to her house for a party. In my life, her mother and friends were full of concern for me, which touched me deeply. In the past, I often told myself that there was no home and that only the place where my mother was was home. But now that I am in a foreign land, I have experienced the warmth of a long absence, and I feel at home for the first time.

How I longed for love, and I sought love again. I fell in love during college, and after graduation, in order to be closer to home, I came to Beijing to work, and my boyfriend and I also became a long-distance relationship. Distance makes feelings indifferent, boyfriends call less and less, and finally, love is gone. I feel that this encounter is similar to my mother, when I was a child, watching her cry and waiting for her father to take her home, I even had the luxury of letting love come back at the cost of tears. The results were obvious, and I lived a life of disappointment for three years.

02. I got through to my father

God’s love reached out to me again. I was invited to church by my colleagues and heard the song “The Most Beautiful Blessing of This Life”, “In countless dark nights, I draw you with stars… The most beautiful blessing in this life is to know the Lord Jesus…” Tears burst in an instant, a warm force rose from the heart, and bitter tears seemed to turn sweet. If I shed a liter of tears in the old days when I came to believe that “whoever sows with tears will reap,” I also believe that there is a spirit in my heart who is happy and sorrowful with me that is healing me.

After that, I was baptized and began to participate in Sunday school service in the church. Looking back on the road, I was filled with gratitude, and I knew how I was sown and watered along the way, and how I was released with the help of the Lord. I want to repay the Lord who rescued me from darkness into light.

As I became more aware of the Lord, I became clearer about myself. Once, while attending a group prayer at a retreat, the pain of the past was pulled out again. I immersed myself in prayer and let the tears endure. Then I heard God say to me, “I am your father, I give you love, don’t feel alone.” I saw the scenes of my parents arguing when I was a child, and I saw my mother tearing pictures in front of me sadly, “None of this will be again, because I will fill you with my love.” The voice guided me gently, and the word “forgiveness” was repeated five times.

After this experience, God helped me understand God’s intention through pastor sermons, devotional article sharing, my own devotional prayers, and Reverend Robert Tillman Kendall’s sermon on “total forgiveness” to forgive the people in the world who hurt me the most, because my Father in heaven pleased me to do so. Subsequently, I looked for my father’s contact information through my cousin. Originally, I didn’t have much hope, after all, I haven’t been in touch for more than twenty years, and as a result, my cousin gave me my father’s phone number the next day!

The thought of facing a father I hadn’t seen for so many years made me feel really apprehensive. I vividly remember the afternoon I got the phone, I steamed a pound and a half of English bread crab and ate it for two hours. It was almost 9 p.m. when I realized I couldn’t delay any longer, and the night was over without calling. Now that you’ve decided, let’s act. I dialed the phone, but the other person answered without speaking. I swallowed my saliva and boldly asked, “Is it, Mr. Zhu?” “Yes, who are you?” “I am your daughter.”

I felt his surprise, and he asked again and again: “How do you know my phone number?” “I didn’t answer a lot of calls from Beijing before, did you call?” “Do you want to meet?” “Have you encountered any difficulties? What difficulties do you have to say? 

Tears had long flowed down my face, and I felt a piercing pain when I heard the long-lost concern. “If you care so much, why haven’t you contacted me for so many years?” I held back this sentence and did not ask. God, how can I forgive this father who has been gone for so long? I didn’t even have the strength to call him “Daddy,” and I was reluctant. When I hung up, he said to keep in touch and asked me, “Can I call you if I have any questions?” I said, “Yes.” “What a tough start! But I also knew very well that God was setting me free, because “though you weep overnight, you will rejoice in the morning.” The night after the call, I fell asleep praying on the couch in tears.

The next day, I went to school as usual, and during my lunch break, I went to a nearby coffee shop with my colleagues to eat. After sitting down, I began to write my doubts about last night’s call on my prayer note: Why did he get the call and ask me how to find his phone number? Does he really miss me? Will he really meet me? He is afraid that I have some plans for him and hatred for him… As he wrote, tears wet his eyes again. Suddenly, my phone rang, and in tears, I saw that it was my father’s call, so I answered it.

He eagerly asked a series of questions: “I’ll bear to wait until my lunch break to call you.” You called yesterday and I was terrified and didn’t know what happened to you. Is your job okay? Do you like your current job? What exactly do you do? We talked for about 30 minutes, and the doubts we had just written down were answered one by one in this call. I knew God was guiding me and thankful for the abundant grace He had prepared. At this point, I also realized that I had to look inside myself and allow myself to be healed. Hanging up the phone, I couldn’t help but cry, and the tissues on the table became a hill. The colleagues next to me even wondered if I was fired from school, the blow was so big.

Those who are familiar with this place know that the customers in the store are all school teachers and foreigners from the neighborhood, and few strangers come. Just as I was crying uncontrollably, an old mother dressed in simple clothes came to me and asked me if I had a cold and if I wanted to go to the hospital. Since I couldn’t help crying, I begged God to help me find a hitchhiker to take me home, and sure enough, 3 minutes later I got on a hitchhiker with Tianjin license plates. I was finally alone, and in the car I let myself cry as much as Joseph had seen his brothers, and the cry shook the whole city of Egypt.

03. My father looked at me and was so surprised that his jaw was about to drop

Slowly, the thought of seeing my father became stronger and stronger. Once, during a time of praise, I prayed that God would stir my father’s heart so that he could reach out to me. I looked down, tears fell on my phone, and a text message from my father came into view: “Let’s keep in touch, tell me if you have any difficulties!” I knew God was directing me to forgive, so I replied, “I contacted you because I wanted to tell you that I forgave you for your absence in my life.” You don’t have to be burdened. I don’t blame you for what you did to me, I want to meet you. ”

Later, I sent him two long messages, telling him about my life in the past twenty years, where I went to school and worked in those days without him, all my thoughts, resentments, and the hatred of boys that came with it. At the same time, I also expressed that I did not want to intervene in his life, let alone need his financial support. I also told the truth about the reason for contacting him, how I knew God and how God led me to forgive. Because God has placed me under His wings and regarded me as a pupil in His eyes, I know that my heavenly father loves me and wants me to be a better version of myself, so I can forgive my earthly father without being afraid to pursue the shortcomings of the earth.

After reading my message, my father replied that he felt very guilty and uncomfortable. He was going to book a hotel and ask me to meet his family and children. Considering my current capacity, I refused. I said I only wanted to see him alone for now. We met at a Starbucks.

I went to my appointment that day as scheduled, and when I entered the house, I ordered a matcha latte at the front desk. He happened to walk in and ask if this was Starbucks, but he didn’t know that it was the person he was looking for standing next to him. As soon as he spoke, I recognized him from his voice. I didn’t speak, trying to see if he could recognize me. It’s a pity he didn’t. He turned around and wanted to go to the second floor to confirm the address. Seeing that he was about to walk away from me, I stepped forward and said, “Are you looking for me?” He looked at me, his jaw almost dropping. After all, I haven’t seen it for more than twenty years, so it’s normal to be surprised. Although I recognized him, I was also surprised. In my mind, he looked like he was in his thirties, and now he is almost sixty and has naturally aged a lot.

We sat down and he said I had eyes like him and a chin like Mom. Faced with this father who gave birth to me but did not raise me, who once made me miss, wait, and hate, I endured tears to make myself strong. I don’t know what it means to such an old man to have such a heavy hatred in my heart. I simply treated him as a familiar but strange adult, asking him questions he hadn’t asked in more than twenty years but wanted answers. The two of them talked like this for about three hours, and much of the sadness and sadness of the past was relieved, and I seemed to understand better the feelings of Joseph and his brothers when they met at the same table, it turned out that forgiveness can make people so easy!

04. God is the answer to everything

It is said that time is good medicine, but now I want to say that God alone is the answer to everything. Thank God for choosing me to be His daughter, teaching me the truth, giving me love and tenderness, and leading me to reconciliation with my earthly father.

In the face of this father, who had been absent from my life for 26 years, all the bitterness and sorrow began to fade, and forgiveness set me free. Through Him, we have entered by faith into the grace in which we stand now, and rejoice in the glory of God. Not only that but also rejoice in the midst of affliction. For we know that adversity breeds patience, patience breeds sophistication, and sophistication breeds hope; There is no shame in hope because the Holy Spirit who has been given to us pours out God’s love into our hearts. ”

Just as God’s love poured out on me, I was satisfied, and “a river of living water flowed out of my belly.” I couldn’t help but want my father to know God and pray for Him so that he could have eternal hope and happiness. “Only Christ died for us while we were still sinners, and God’s love was revealed to us here.” “But there you will seek the Lord your God. When you seek Him with all your heart, you will find it. ”

Because of God’s love, the earthly father’s abandonment no longer matters. Through all this, I knew that God had saved me from my misery. May God use my sharing to help you who are going through similar experiences, wash your tears, and connect with the living waters of God’s love.